<p>My exhusband and I co-parent our son, who is now 15. We’ve been doing this since spawn was 6. Our marriage didn’t work, but we are very much a team in parenting. We have joint physical and legal custody, and our son splits his time between the two houses.</p>
<p>It wasn’t always easy, especially during the divorce process, as my ex hired a very aggressive attorney. I finally had to sit my ex down for a chat about his attorney, what his attorney was trying to do, get him to think about how much the attorney was costing him (arm and a leg at least), and how much he would be “benefitting” from what the attorney was trying to get from me. It turned out that my ex would have been better off taking what I initially suggested than what ultimately was worked out with the “help” of his attorney.</p>
<p>I was very committed to keeping a good coparenting relationship with my ex, and keeping my eye on that goal helped me deal with some of my baser reactions to some of the stupid things my ex’s attorney did.</p>
<p>I absolutely concur with the suggestion to talk to an attorney before you go to mediation. In general, I like mediation, but only when all parties are aware of their rights. The collaborative law option sounds excellent.</p>
<p>Also concur with the direct deposit of child support (and really, I concur with everything toadstool said!). Because I didn’t really need the pittance in child support that came out of the state formula for day-to-day support, I forewent that; ex deposits that amount monthly to a 529 plan instead, one that he controls. I wasn’t sure what he’d do about college funding, and this ensured that there would be at least some contribution from him, and he didn’t have to hand money/write a check to me every month. I’ve known plenty of people who resented paying child support to their ex, regardless of how much they loved their kids, and I wanted to avoid any resentment. Direct deposit should help with that.</p>
<p>She apparently lives in NY, thank god, we have already heard from Texas guy on Texas rules – as to how easy to avoid support.</p>
<p>Be careful if X controls 529 – if he has future children with new wife (even if says no future Mrs. X in picture) it can end up being split between kids.</p>
<p>My ex and I used a mediator when we divorced after 2+ years of separation. Like owlice, we co-parented our children (50/50 time split). We threw out the CA state rules on child support, and drafted a list of child costs we agreed to share (again 50/50). We had one checking account (in my name) in which we both deposited a set monthly amount. I called it the ‘money manager model’. I managed most payments, but if he spent any money I reimbursed him. He just had to tell me the amount to be reimbursed. </p>
<p>We pretty much knew what we wanted in the agreement. It helped that we didn’t file for divorce until after a few years of living apart. That way, we really knew what worked and what didn’t work for us. We had so-so experience with the mediator, she raised a few good points, but made numerous errors on the papers which we then ended up having to point out and then pay for the time to correct.</p>
<p>When we told our children (then 5 and 7), we also informed their teachers beforehand so there was a good support system for our kids. When we changed elementary schools, we met with the principal before the school year started. We were (and are) committed to parenting our children. It became easier once there was no ‘us’ in the equation. We certainly had a financial hit from the divorce, but in the scheme of things this was a small price to pay for a healthier family.</p>
<p>Some people, including child care “experts”, question 50/50 for teens. It is hard for them to manage THEIR interests if they are being shuttled back and forth.</p>
<p>I am not divorced, so take this with a grain of salt. How old are the children? Are they teens, almost college age? If your husband is the bread winner? If I was in your position, unless he was abusing me or I have met the love of my life, I would suck it up until the kids are out of college.</p>
<p>I think man tend to forget to love their children when they do not see them any more (so many dads are going to tell me I am wrong now). They then stop caring about paying for the kids’ school’s tuition. I’ve known so many fathers that stop paying for their kids’ private school tuition once they get divorced. Divorced couples spend so much time arguing about money, even when it’s for their children.</p>
<p>Many divorced men move on to start their next family, and so many first marriage children get short changed. If I couldn’t afford to pay for my kids’ college tuition by myself, I would wait until they are out of school before I get a divorce.</p>
<p>Oldfort, there are surely exceptions, but my ex fits right into that category of men who thought private school (not just college, but elementary through high school) was a great idea while we were married, but has not coughed up a dime for either lower or higher education since the divorce. And those who dole out financial aid at the college level think I should be able to get him to do so… At least our private high school has been understanding, and has allowed me to file for financial aid without his income.</p>
<p>Oldfort - feel free to PM if you like. Believe me, the separation is warranted, and setting the best example for the children (as much as is possible in a bad situation), is of course part of the decision. It’s far past the limits of ‘sucking it up,’ which is what I’ve done for the last couple years. I would never want my daughters to put up with such a situation, and think I’d be setting a lousy example if I continued to do so.</p>
<p>That said, I’ve heard of a number of families who waited until college to separate, and who did a pretty decent job of hiding their problems from kids. In several of those cases, though, the kids ended up feeling guilty or blindsided, even though the parents’ intentions were good. Every situation is completely different - there is no one-size-fits-all solution. In our case, it will be eight years before youngest is in college, which is a pretty long time.</p>
<p>As for H being kept away from them, it will not happen in the least. If anything, I think he may try to be a more involved parent from this point on. The separation is mutual, and he agrees they are better off living with me.</p>
<p>As for legal advice (thanks, all) it’s clear that both H. and I were pretty naive in thinking we could work things out as easily as hoped. The mediator no longer sounds like the way to go, unfortunately. Just spoke with a family friend who was initially happy with mediation, but three years down the road regrets it. Have found a few websites which spell out the basics of NY divorce law, and they have been helpful as well. Have an attorney recommendation and will meet with him next week. I probably sound like a chump, but at this point H. and I really are trying to work together. Am hoping this sense of cooperation can weather the financial issues and legal process.</p>
<p>Mommm
bless you and all best. you have a very constructive spirit…and I hope that post the mucky part immediately ahead of you, that you and your children and husband will find both healing and surprising renewal…
my parents divorced when I was getting out of college. If I could give you one piece of advice, it would be to also find someone professional to vent to regarding your emotional journey out of this marriage…even if only monthly. Not that I am implying that you are the most damaged/injured–you sound like a great parent with a balanced outlook about others and your soon to be ex. But if you do this, you set the example for your children…that they are also allowed to have private lives, private unique, not like yours… injury from this divorce, and they should be encouraged also to talk to a neutral person at times if possible…or with you and your neutral party now and then.</p>
<p>This sends a message to them when they also enter the waters of relationships, disappointments and breakups in their adult lives…that these are experiences to be respected, reflected on, mourned and learned from…and passed through to something better…</p>
<p>I found that in my twenties, I wasted a tremendous amount of time fretting about both of my divorced parents --delaying focusing on my own life…and my parents received zero help from counselors…and then when I was about 30 I realized they were totally over it…and they have never realized how much it cost my sister and myself in angst and worry about their mid-life money, poverty, losses etc. </p>
<p>Kids, teens and twenty-somethings don’t have the long view. They see that you are worried about money, you are grieving… in the next year or two and it seems like forever to them.</p>
<p>Both of my parents are happily remarried (OK…Dad’s is a third marriage)…and have had 25 years of new lives…and years and years with entirely new people in them. </p>
<p>Your children won’t be able to see ahead that far…so you must help them realize you are going through a dark phase but it is not going to define the rest of your life. </p>
<p>help them integrate the past, the present and the future by making sure they are talking about how it feels now…they are likely more concerned about you and your husband then they let on as they need to know you will be OK most of all. If they are reasonably sure their parents are OK, they can keep on with their own developmental tasks…</p>
<p>Mommm - I am very sorry about your situation. This must not be easy. If you really feel it’s unbearable, then you need to do what you need to do.</p>
<p>Mommm, you may still be able to work things out pretty easily; the point about having an attorney before mediation is good for both of you. I did not want my ex to feel that our agreement was a bad one for him; I was committed to making it as fair as I possibly could to us both. If both you and your husband are able to take the long view about the agreement, and recognize that an agreement that is fair to both of you will serve you best in the long run, the chances are good that you’ll be able to work things out.</p>
<p>I told my ex to get an attorney. I didn’t want him regretting our agreement in the future and wanted him to have representation so he knew what HIS rights were. (I didn’t expect him to get one who was so… ahhh… self-serving, let’s say, but that’s neither here nor there.)</p>
<p>You are not a chump, and mediation may still work. You and your stbH will be able to approach the mediation armed with information you need once both of you have seen attorneys, and that’s a good thing. </p>
<p>One thing you (and he) may want to do is to let your attorney(s) know that maintaining a good relationship with your stbx is of great importance, that you place a high premium on that. That will set the tone for how your attorney should work, how you want your attorney to work.</p>
<p>After getting so much good advice here, I realize I’d be foolish not to meet with an attorney. But yes, Owlice, that advice is good – I think we should make it clear to whoever we use that we want to try our best to keep things civil. Am sure there will be many details re: payment specifics, duration, etc to get hung up on, but am hoping we can work it out.</p>
<p>and thanks, Faline–
I’ve thought about that too. I also want them to feel that it’s OK to need and ask for help.</p>
<p>Do most people feel counseling is in order whether the kids want it or not? Am guessing the girls will probably be OK with it, but have a feeling the boys (older) will probably not be too keen on the idea.</p>
<p>Mommm, one more piece of advice on the attorney. If you are not comfortable with the attorney when you meet with him/her, find another one. The first attorney I met with told me it would be a waste of time for me to pursue physical custody (in spite of some safety issues for my kids). My instincts said that was not true, and I sought out another attorney (in the same practice, it so happens). I ended up with physical custody, and am happy that I listened to my gut. The attorney I chose was also someone with a thriving mediation business, so I knew she could be collaborative when it was needed. We had to wait to start the divorce process because she didn’t have an appointment for several weeks - - but it was totally worth it in the end.</p>
<p>Regarding counseling, I am sure some here will have success stories. We chose not to pursue it. D1 has fabulous coping skills, and did not need it. D2 is so introverted that we would have paid for her to sit in silence for the entire session. We are 3 years past the separation now, and so far I do not regret skipping the counseling. Again, it may be different for your kids. I did talk to the school psychologist and principals for each kid to give them a heads up about this change in their lives, though (much to D2’s dismay!).</p>
<p>Thanks, intparent. I hope the recommendation I have works out.
Was also thinking the same about giving the school psychologists a head’s up. I’d like them to be aware of the situation, but at the same time not barrage them with “are you OKs?” and make them feel that problems are inevitable. Am guessing they’ve had plenty of experience with this sort of thing.</p>
<p>Our 50/50 schedule changed over time as our children grew up. When they were teens, we had a two-weeks on/ two-weeks off schedule. This was primarily chosen so there was continuity for school work. </p>
<p>On the counseling question, we also did not pursue it for our sons, but ex- and I were in counseling for quite some time before we reached our mutual decision.</p>
<p>We always communicated to our sons that two happy households was better than one unhappy household. </p>
<p>I think we did pretty good. My sons are now 20 and 23. They are very close with each other and have a relationship with both parents. There are successful divorces - they take just as much work as a successful marriage; just in different areas.</p>
<p>Mommm, good luck with the attorney meeting. My main recommendation is that, if possible, don’t rush the process. It is better to have it be a good agreement, then a fast one.</p>
<p>One of the best situations for joint custody is a couple I know who made sure that they continued to live in the same school district. The kids could split physical time with each parent without leaving school, friends, extracurriculars. And both parents were involved in the kids’ “real life” - didn’t have the dichotomy of the “school parent” and the “vacation parent.” As they got older, and realized that this wasn’t the norm for divorced parents, the kids were really grateful that their parents did this.</p>
<p>Be careful of counseling, particularly forced or required. Spouse can require content of what is suppose to be private conversation be revealed in divorce proceeding (it is not privileged). If you try to fight for the child’s right to privacy (and trust in adults), you end up as the bad guy looking like there is something to hide. </p>
<p>Also DO NOT SEEK ANY tracable COUNSELING FOR YOUR SELF. Spouce can use your health insurance record showing counseling diagnosis codes to prove that you have a problem. </p>
<p>Include a clause om the agreement that a child may not be asked, pressured, or encouraged to seek counseling. If the child asks for it in high school then it is allowed.</p>
<p>Court is just the first step. If they loose there, they go after you outside of the courtroom using psycologists and “the best interest of the child,” possibly the most abused phase in all legaldom.</p>
<p>Wow. I actually hadn’t planned on counseling for myself, but that’s good to know. We have done marriage counseling in the past. We were going to speak to the pediatricians and see what they suggested for the kids.</p>