<p>Jonri - are you still there? Your message box is full-</p>
<p>Momm, if, as someone indicated, you live in the State of New York, I do not believe that what toadstool said about counseling is correct. By statute (the New York Civil Practice Law and Rules, sections 4504(a), 4507, and 4508), communications between patient and physician (including a psychiatrist), between patient and registered psychologist, and between patient and certified social worker, are privileged to an extent roughly equivalent to the scope of the attorney-client privilege. </p>
<p>The privilege applies even when the patient is a minor, unless the communication is with someone retained (as by a law guardian) for the specific purpose of evaluating the child for the court in a disputed custody situation.</p>
<p>Under CPLR 4508(3), a communication between a child under the age of 16 and a social worker is not privileged if the information obtained by the social worker indicates that the child has been the victim or subject of a crime.</p>
<p>There are exceptions to these privileges when a parent places his or her emotional or mental state directly in issue, as in certain contested child custody situations, or when a ground such as extreme cruelty is the alleged basis for a divorce. Even then, there has to be a showing that the communication in question has some bearing on that issue, and (I believe) the exception would generally apply only to communications made during the time that (for example) the alleged cruelty was taking place, not during the divorce proceeding itself.</p>
<p>In any event, I don’t think there’s too much reason for concern that if you or your children see a counselor, the substance of your communications will end up being disclosed in the divorce proceeding, so long as there’s no dispute on child custody, and the ground for divorce isn’t something (such as your having been subjected to extreme cruelty) that puts your mental state at issue. </p>
<p>Keep in mind, though, that New York is one of the few states left (and might even be the only one) that doesn’t permit “no fault” divorce; there has to be a ground for divorce within the scope of Domestic Relations Law section 170:</p>
<p>(1) The cruel and inhuman treatment of the plaintiff by the defendant such that the conduct of the defendant so endangers the physical or mental well being of the plaintiff as renders it unsafe or improper for the plaintiff to cohabit with the defendant.</p>
<p>(2) The abandonment of the plaintiff by the defendant for a period of one or more years.</p>
<p>(3) The confinement of the defendant in prison for a period of three or more consecutive years after the marriage of plaintiff and defendant.</p>
<p>(4) The commission of an act of adultery, provided that adultery for the purposes of articles ten, eleven, and eleven-A of this chapter, is hereby defined as the commission of an act of sexual intercourse, oral sexual conduct or anal sexual conduct, voluntarily performed by the defendant, with a person other than the plaintiff after the marriage of plaintiff and defendant. Oral sexual conduct and anal sexual conduct include, but are not limited to, sexual conduct as defined in subdivision two of section 130.00 and subdivision three of section 130.20 of the penal law.</p>
<p>(5) The husband and wife have lived apart pursuant to a decree or judgment of separation for a period of one or more years after the granting of such decree or judgment, and satisfactory proof has been submitted by the plaintiff that he or she has substantially performed all the terms and conditions of such decree or judgment.</p>
<p>(6) The husband and wife have lived separate and apart pursuant to a written agreement of separation, subscribed by the parties thereto and acknowledged or proved in the form required to entitle a deed to be recorded, for a period of one or more years after the execution of such agreement and satisfactory proof has been submitted by the plaintiff that he or she has substantially performed all the terms and conditions of such agreement. Such agreement shall be filed in the office of the clerk of the county wherein either party resides. In lieu of filing such agreement, either party to such agreement may file a memorandum of such agreement, which memorandum shall be similarly subscribed and acknowledged or proved as was the agreement of separation and shall contain the following information: (a) the names and addresses of each of the parties, (b) the date of marriage of the parties, (c) the date of the agreement of separation and (d) the date of this subscription and acknowledgment or proof of such agreement of separation.</p>
<h1>'s 5 and 6 are the closest New York has to a “no fault” divorce. Which is why divorcing spouses in New York who don’t want to wait to get divorced until a year after a formal separation agreement or decree often decide (even if they don’t really believe it’s true) that one spouse will allege something like “abandonment” (i.e., a refusal by the other spouse to have sex for at least a year), and the other spouse won’t contest it.</h1>
<p>Yes, I am a New York lawyer, and have been one for the last 30 years. I’m not a matrimonial lawyer, and my own agonizing 4 1/2 year process of separation and divorce took place in New Jersey, where I live, but I know people who’ve gone through the process of divorce in New York, and the information I’ve mentioned is pretty basic stuff.</p>
<p>I don’t know if you live in or near the City, by the way, but if you do, it can be difficult to find a matrimonial lawyer who will charge less than $10,000 as a retainer. (In New Jersey, I had to put down $5,000, which I thought was a lot, but the divorce ended up costing me something like $25,000 in attorneys’ fees – same for my ex – before it was over, even though the case eventually settled before trial, and, thank God, custody was never an issue.)</p>
<p>Thanks, DonnaL -
One thing that has surprised me throughout the little bit of research I’ve done is the length of time it takes for a divorce to go through. Three years almost seems to be the norm, and I’ve heard of much longer.</p>