Advice to the lovelorn/ Being grown up/ Adjusting to post-college life in new towns

Parent Cafe
1

<p>A couple of my various DDs friends are experiencing “I just graduated” break ups.</p>

<p>Some are people who planned to be in the same city based on the other one being there, chose employment based on that etc and now that they are away from college friends and support groups, just beginning internships or jobs in a new city, all of a sudden the relationships have gone sideways.</p>

<p>Aside from the usual relationship advice, these kids have made adult choices and taken jobs, they cannot just run home. What are the best ways to get involved in a new city, now that there are no longer classes to put same age peers together?</p>

<p>Any advice for jumping into the transition with two feet whilst still getting over the angst of being ‘stuck’ there and knowing the SO is also there?</p>

2

<p>Getting involved with things in the community are very helpful. Joining a place of worship, sports team, alumni club, professional organization, volunteering, participating in community theater – all can be wonderful ways of meeting like-minded people. If they are progressive-minded they may find that the bulletin boards at places like their local natural food store may list lots of local events that would attract people whom they’d have lots in common with. </p>

<p>It’s also important that new graduates realize that people of all ages can become their friends: That includes developing friendships with people who are decades older than they are. Consequently, they should act like adults of all ages are their peers, not people who should be called “Mr.” and “Mrs.”</p>

<p>If they only seek friendships with people who are about their age and are single, they’ll miss out on many opportunities to become friends with interesting people who have lots in common with themselves.</p>

3

<p>The first 4-6 months in a new town are generally spent figuring out where stuff is: the grocery store and drug store/Target type places first, some neighborhood eateries, and then things like the dry cleaners, better stores, movie theaters, and so on. </p>

<p>I think it’s often the next 4-6 months that are particularly difficult; the newness has worn off, you know where things are, and now… the loneliness sets in.</p>

<p>As NSM says, get involved in the community. Join at least two organizations, clubs, activities, whatever. (I have advised others to pick one volunteer activity and one arts or sports activity, at a minimum. Volunteering helps one feel useful and good, in addition to putting one in touch with others.) </p>

<p>Get a book of things to do in the area – the best one for the DC area is, IMHO, one published by a local school and lists things to do with kids! – and commit to exploring one new thing every week, whether a park, neighborhood, museum, hiking trail, building, festival, whatever. </p>

<p>If so inclined, join a house of worship. They typically offer many ways to build connections with others. </p>

<p>Take a class one evening a week, just for fun. Learn how to draw, speak Irish, line dance, mime (okay, maybe not mime!), juggle… whatever strikes your fancy.</p>

<p>If so inclined and able to, foster a dog. Walking a dog is a GREAT way to meet people in a new place! </p>

<p>In my experience, it takes about two years for someone to feel a new place is really home. It’s in the second year that the deeper connections are made, with people, with work, with the town, so suggest that these young people be patient with themselves, and give themselves time to settle in.</p>

4

<p>Number 1: What NSM said
Number 2: These days, don’t quit your day job until you have another one signed, sealed and delivered, no matter how much you want to leave the city you thought would be “together heaven”</p>

5

<p>The advice of getting involved is good, if you belonged to a chapter of something in college see if you can bring it with you to your new location. I’ve belonged to the same social organization since high school, already considering adults my peers because they were the primary make up of the organization. Organizations just for being social can be great outlets from job stress and to meet new people because they allow you to let your hair down and relax as well as get advice from others in your industry without having to worry that you’re looking stupid. </p>

<p>I realize I’m young, graduated May 2008, but it’s really helped me to feel established here to belong to my organization. Those closer to my age will sometimes hang out together, see a movie or a concert, etc. but I also have no trouble talking to someone in their 70s or older as a friend and peer. It’s a great confidence builder as a young person to be a part of an organization where you can help others and they can help you all while sharing a mutual respect.</p>

6

<p>As far as calling older people Mr. and Mrs. goes… if you want a mentor relationship with someone, consider using Mr/Mrs until they ask you to use the first name. It implies a level of respect for their wisdom that creates a specific first impression. </p>

<p>I think the church/volunteer/etc. advice is good, but it’s not advice I’ve ever taken myself, despite having moved too many times. I find work is the best way to meet people. If a group is going out to lunch, ask nicely if you can join them. If they ask you, GO! Then ask them for advice! “Who’s the best dry cleaner? Where can I find a nursery so I can buy some plants for my apartment? What’s your favorite restaurant?” People LOVE to give advice. LISTEN, don’t talk!</p>

<p>Organize something–if three people are saying “I want to go see the new movie” then ask the three people to join you. </p>

<p>If you take the same bus every day, take the headphones off and smile nicely at the people you see every day. If you say good morning every day, after a week the conversation may move on to the weather… and from there, to the news. If you’re going to be on that bus for a year, you might as well be friendly.</p>

7

<p>When we started out in a new city after graduating we found others in the same agency within a couple of years of being equally new and formed an informal activity group. We did some happy hours at first then migrated to international themed dinners, rafting trips, ski trips, plays and movies. The group was large enough (about a dozen) to almost always have someone else who was able to do something. Those of us who were better at organizing stepped forward to do that part. It helped all of us adjust to our new surroundings.</p>

8

<p>DS hates to live in a single setting. He will do anything to be around people. He found a house with a group of people in his age group (23-33, ) that have individual rooms in a house and share the common areas. No door is locked. Something is always happening. All are working or in grad school. Currently, 4 girls and 2 boys. </p>

<p>This type of living <em>friends</em> forces a cooperative situations and is a good transition to full adult independent living. Also inexpensive living.</p>

9

<p>I was in this situation right out of college. Got a great job and moved to a place where I knew no one. For the first time in my life I wasn’t surrounded by a bunch of other people my age. Best thing I ever did: join a gym. It gave me a place to go after work. I took some classes and met people that way. When it was hot and I had no AC at my apartment I could hang at the gym after class, showering, jacuzzi, steam, etc.
Eventually I met my husband through mutual friends from that gym.</p>