Advise on essay

<p>The promt:
"Is progress possible without sacrifice" </p>

<p>*This was my first essay since the last 4-5 months (before that I had inly written one essay). RocketReview graded this an 8.1, I was just wondering what I am missing. Please holistically grade this, and if possible advise on how to improve. (I realize I used to Historical examples, and very few vocab words.)</p>


<p>Progress cannot be made without sacrificing. "Progress" is to move forward or to advance. During the 1840's, the United States believed they were destined to expand into the West, but to do this they had to give up a few things. Gandhi made many sacrifices so that he could relinquish India from British rule. Throughout history, progress was only possible when great leaders made sacrifices. </p>

<p>For example, when James K. Polk stepped into the White House in 1945, he brought with him Westward Expansion, a movement to expand US territory "from sea to shining sea." Also during the 1940's the Manifest Destiny became very popular. It was the belief that the United States was destined to expand from the Atlantic seaboard to the Pacific seaboard. The United States grew dramatically during this era. It acquired Texas through the Texas Revolution. The US also gained California and New Mexico from Mexico, and the Oregon Country from Britain. By expanding into the West our economy grew, likewise, our territory. Johann Wolfgang once said," He who moves forward, goes backward." </p>

<p>Furthmore, when Gandhi realized violence wasn't the answer to freedom, he started passive resistance through food strikes, and marches. To make an impact, Gandhi had to make incredible sacrifices. Gandhi gathered thousands of people and led them on a food strikce, in which they refused to eat food for days. To save their reputation Britain was forced to abandon India and return to their homeland. Gandhi and his followers progressed India into an autonomy by putting their lives in jeopardy and sacrificing their health. </p>

<p>Ultimately, both Westward Expansion and the Indian Revolution showed that to move forward one must sacrifice, otherwise progress is not possible. Martin Luther King Jr. had once stated, "Human progress is neither automatic nor inevitable ... Every step toward the goal of justice requires sacrifice, suffering, and struggle."</p>

Post </p>

<p>I'm prob not going to write another essay today, so I need any advise is cruical to me, because I will be following this advise on the SAT Essay.</p>

<p>Paragraph 2: Before you go on talking about Manifest Destiny and Westward Expansion, you might want to get the century right. It's the 1840's, not the 1940's. In 1945 the US bombed Hiroshima. Also, what were the sacrifices? All you did was give a brief history lecture about westward expansion. You're trying to argue that progress is not possible without sacrifices. I don't see ANY part of the paragraph that supports that statement. </p>

<p>I want to get this into your brain: Support your thesis!</p>

<p>Here's an example of what you did:</p>

<p>Thesis: Progress is not possible without sacrifice.</p>

<p>In 1775 the U.S. declared independence from Britain. They fought in the Revolutionary War, which ended in 1783 in the Treaty of Paris. The United States gained several important territories, and they were finally independent. The U.S. then took the steps to establishing a constitution.</p>

<p>Um... Do you get the message?</p>

<p>Second body paragraph: What's with "Gandhi HAD to make incredible sacrifices"? You didn't support that in your essay. And you're trying to argue that progress isn't possible without sacrifice; in other words, sacrifice is necessary. I see absolutely no evidence that sacrifice is necessary for progress.</p>

<p>Your problem is not that you used two historical examples or that you used very few vocab words. Nobody cares if you used two historical examples. There's no difference. The problem is that you didn't support your thesis at all. </p>

<p>I think RocketReview was a bit too nice on you.</p>

<p>Haha oops I wrote actually wrote 1845, but typed it wrong (twice!?) </p>

<p>You have an excellent point. I thought to myself, about the sacrificies, but got carried away and never stated the sacrifises directly. I'll make sure on the real SAT, i'll write down exactly what I think, and try to define/explain the area in 1-2 sentences. </p>

<p>Dchow when you say support your thesis, what exactly do you mean. Is it just state the 2-3 examples you will be using. Say you thesis in another way? I need to know, so I dont make the same mistakes when I actualy write the essay.</p>

<p>Thanks for the honest advise</p>

<p>Okay, here's an example of supporting the thesis:</p>

<p>It's better to have high expectations than low expectations.</p>

<p>Frederick Douglass had high expectations of himself. His efforts in becoming the best he could be led to his eventual freedom. If he had low expectations of himself, he would have remained a slave for all his life. Therefore, it is better to have high expectations than low expectations.</p>

<p>That supports the thesis, because it gives evidence that shows why you're right.</p>

<p>This following paragraph would not support the thesis at all:</p>

<p>Frederick Douglass was born in ___ in the town of <em>_. His parents were named blah and blah. He was born a slave, but at the age of _</em>, his master freed him. He eventually wrote a book and informed many Northerners about the harsh reality of slavery.</p>

<p>When you read this, you wonder, "So what?" How does this explain that you are correct? What does this have to do with your point? </p>

<p>It's sort of like when you're having a conversation with your friend and someone says, "The Communist Party is the best party in the world." You ask him, "What do you mean?" In other words, "Why do you think the Communist party is the best in the world?" If your friend just lectures you about Karl Marx and Mao Zedong and Fidel Castro, you would not be convinced that the communist party is the best.</p>

<p>But if your friend supported what he was saying (gave examples, evidence that suggests that he's right), you might be more convinced.</p>

<p>Read the paragraphs I wrote about Frederick Douglass and ask yourself which one convinces you more that the thesis statement is correct. Why is the first one more effective? Because the first one actually gives an example and comments and explanation of how it's better to have high expectations. Whereas the second paragraph doesn't support the thesis at all.</p>

<p>So when I say that you didn't support the thesis, reread the paragraph about westward expansion. Imagine that your friend was talking to you, and he/she said that Sacrifice is Necessary to Make Progress. And imagine your friend saying all the things about westward expansion that you wrote. It's not convincing at all.</p>

<p>You need to back up what you say with facts and examples. That's what it means to support your thesis.</p>

<p>dchow08 - lol are u going to be a writer when u grow up? good advice on essays. is the ACT essay similar?</p>

<p>YIKES! SAT TOMORROW! :eek:</p>

<p>So would this be supporting the thesis:
Thesis: Progress cannot be made without sacrificing
Support: Mahatma Gandhi made sacirfises to help his country. India progressed because Gandhi sacrifised his dignity, health, and ultimately his life. Had he not made these sacrifices India would not have been the same country that it is today.Thus, one must sacrifise to move forward.</p>

<p>That's more like it! Of course, you would explain how he sacrificed his dignity, health, and his life. How did he sacrifice his dignity, for example? And then you would explain how those sacrifices were necessary. Why was sacrifice necessary for progress?</p>

<p>In other words, you need to explain the direct impact Gandhi's sacrifices made toward India's progress. And you need to explain why if Gandhi didn't make sacrifices, there wouldn't have been progress.
"Had he not made these sacrifices India would not have been the same country that it is today." You need to explain that. EVERYTHING you say needs to be supported by facts or historical evidence, personal life experiences, and everything you say must support your thesis statement.</p>

<p>Ok, sweet. This makes sense now.
Thanks for the great advise dchow.</p>

<p>Yeah. As you're writing the essay, ask yourself, What does this have to do with my thesis? Write a few sentences (2-4) explaining the background and then write some comments, explaining how this incident, example, whatever, directly backs up (proves, supports, whatever) your point.</p>