<p>How about this for a rule: nobody is allowed to drive home from the party (because they will be “too tired” to drive safely). Everybody has to get picked up by somebody else (or perhaps you or your spouse could take some of them home). This would address most of the real concerns.</p>
<p>It’s her party, but YOUR house and responsibility in the end. Make sure when you sit down with your D that you are in the drivers seat so to speak on “ok-ing” aspects of the party. So if I’m you, I would change my mental thoughts to “a clear idea of MY expectations” as opposed to her expectations. That might not be the way you’d do it, but since you ask for our thoughts, I’m telling you that’s the way I’d handle it. </p>
<p>Make a list:
-# of invites - and you get to review that invite list.
- time frame of party
- food to be served at party
- drink to be served at party
- planned activities
- physical space - only in the basement? Which bathroom do they use? etc…
- what if “things go wrong” protocol for communicating </p>
<p>and so on. ON PAPER!!! :)</p>
<p>abasket, great advice!</p>
<p>Don’t let anybody in who wasn’t invited.</p>
<p>I think the idea of every one getting picked up (say at 1) is a great one. I would think other parents would go for it (although some might try to do a carpool).</p>
<p>Pickup at 1 is probably too early if you are expecting kids to come to the party after the prom.</p>
<p>(I’m old…my preference if it were my kid would be everyone goes at 9:30!)</p>
<p>My advice:
- Nobody leaves your house until daylight unless a parent picks them up. You do not want kids driving home at 2AM on prom night. Too many drunk drivers out.
- Nobody brings ANYTHING like a purse or backpack or jacket with pockets into your house unless they are willing to hand it over to you to keep. Put those items in a safe place where you can supervise them.
- All car keys are handed to you to keep. Be sure you check each car to be sure it is locked (booze gets stashed in the car to be brought in later.)
- Nobody brings in a waterbottle (vodka) or open container of Coke or Gatorade.
- Keep an eye on all the doors, not just the front door.
- Do not plan on sleeping at all.</p>
<p>Have fun!</p>
<p>Whatever you do, I think it is essential that one of you cruise through the party at reasonably frequent intervals, so that any illicit activities can be interrupted. In the Steubenville case, for example, there was a gathering in a house where the parents were home–and eventually told their S to get rid of the surplus “guests,” who IIRC included the rapists and their victim–but it did not sound as if they ever actually went down and checked out what was going on.</p>
<p>Our school is having an all night grad party but there will be many parents supervising this event in shifts at a community hall. i wouldn’t feel comfortable being responsible for so many kids. If something goes wrong then the host is held responsible. I know some parents are hosting a pre prom dinner at their home but that is completely different. If possible talk to some of her friends parents to see if they could help. Or if the kids are not going to the prom make sure it ends by a certain time. Start the party earlier so that it finishes at a reasonable time. </p>
<p>Before you let these kids set foot in your house, you should learn what your state’s social host laws are. Here in MA, if a kid is in a situation where underage drinking is occurring, he/she can be charged with “constructive possession” even if the kid is not drinking. The cops don’t even have to do a breathalyzer to charge them with this. And any adults in the house are also legally assumed to know what’s going on. It’s on them to prove otherwise.</p>
<p>Even if no one gets hurt (alcohol poisoning, drunk driving), if the party gets busted, you can take a major financial hit. In one case I know, a family of a girl who lost a scholarship because she attended a party where underage drinking was going on (the girl had just arrived and wasn’t drinking when the cops showed up) sued the host family. They settled out of court, but it sent fear through a lot of would-be social hosts in our community.</p>
<p>If you know your daughter’s friends drink, then you should expect some of them to try it at your house, and take precautions to prevent it. Don’t hope they won’t. Assume they will, and invite other adults to help you chaperone. I never allowed my kids to attend a party with that many kids where only the host’s parents were present. This wasn’t because I don’t trust my kids, but because of those pesky constructive possession laws. It’s not only the drinkers who get in trouble from underage drinking.</p>
<p>ETA: When we hosted our D’s graduation party last year, we had about 60 kids and 30 adults in our backyard. The adults were always running back into the house to get more platters of food and check on the bathrooms, etc. The adult beverages were in a cooler on the patio, and there was always a parent watching it. The worst part about the party was the expense (!!) and cleaning up, but thanks to parental vigilance, everyone’s kid went home sober.</p>
<p>True story about a “well supervised” post prom party:
The parents took all the car keys, made everyone promise not to leave, and allowed some booze. All was quiet, so the parents went to sleep on the main floor couch. Kids were in the walkout basement. Nothing bad happened all night…</p>
<p>Until 5AM, when the police came to the door, looking for the owner of a car that had been abandoned one street over. The car had been left in the middle of the street, with the driver’s door wide open. A neighbor had gotten up early to get the paper and found it. The driver (very drunk young lady) had thought she had parked the car, and had cut through the back yards to the party house’s basement sliding door. The police found her passed out in the basement bathroom, along with all the beer and booze and sleeping kids from the supervised party. </p>
<p>A lot of people got into a lot of trouble that morning, including the parents.</p>
<p>Hi all-
Just wanted to update you 
We spoke with D and she is completely on the same page as we are. She quickly amended her FB invite to make sure everyone understands this is completely chem-free; she already had a plan in place for monitoring her guests and making sure no one was intoxicated, and we’re changing the hours to be essentially the same time frame as regular prom. She’s making it clear this is not a regular after-prom party. We talked about various rules such as no one bringing in any bottles of “water” or anything else. The number of guests will be limited and she’ll make sure people understand this is not an “open” party. She’s giving our number for other parents to call. - She’s totally on board. </p>
<p>Good luck - I hope your D has a better experience than my middle son two years ago. He threw an after-prom party and made sure everyone understood that it was chem-free. At the last minute, all but ONE of the invited guests suddenly were “too tired” to come. I think they decided to go to other parties that were more “interesting.” My son is outgoing and has a lot of friends, so he was devastated.</p>
<p>Oh that’s so sad, MaineLonghorn! I hope that won’t happen to her. </p>
<p>Some pointers on having a teen party from various wised-up parents. There was an epidemic of wild parties in our area freshman year. Your own kid may be the nicest, most-trustworthy teen around, but you never know about other kids who are invited or just show up. </p>
<ul>
<li>Take away any purses, coats, bulky sweatshirts or any other hiding place when kids come in. Stash the purses somewhere safe so they aren’t stolen. Warn the kids to keep their phones on them at all times. Do not allow any outside drink or food in, even water bottles can contain clear alcohols.</li>
<li>Search the room where you will have the party very thoroughly right before the party so nothing is hidden. Remove furniture that could hide anything and any breakable items, including pictures on the walls. Expect your walls to get marked up from dancing and other activity.</li>
<li>Lock any entrances to the basement and any rooms you don’t want the kids in. Search your window wells for illegal items and keep an eye on them during the evening. Kids will put things in them to be retrieved from the inside.</li>
<li>Greet every kid that arrives yourselves so you can assess their condition. If anyone appears drunk or high, do not let them in and call their parents if possible. Be careful with large groups coming at one time and make them come in single file so they don’t sneak anything past you.</li>
<li>Do not allow kids to come and go. Once they are there, they stay. If they leave, they cannot come back. Otherwise, they will go outside or to their cars to drink/get high. </li>
<li>Have other parents or some friends help you. You will need a few adults to handle the crowd if things get overwhelming and so they can’t distract you to do something they shouldn’t.</li>
<li>Let your neighbors know you are having a party and have them contact you if there are any disturbances. </li>
<li>Word of a party gets out fast; be sure to only let kids in that are invited despite all pleading at the door. Limit the number of kids in the house. Once you reach the limit, don’t let any more in (again despite all pleading at the door). </li>
<li>Be very comfortable with telling the kids no and getting involved in what they are doing. You might get some eye rolls or annoyed comments, but this is your house and you set the rules. </li>
<li>Periodically go down to the basement where the party is to see if everything is going okay.</li>
<li>Provide water bottles and some snacks for the kids so they don’t get dehydrated or have sugar lows. </li>
</ul>
<p>Good luck!</p>
<p>Why not make sure that no-one drives to the party. Have them all dropped off and picked up by their parents or siblings. No risk of driving. I personally wouldn’t want to have taken this on. All after prom parties include alcohol or as MLH noted above, no-one comes. The saddest story I have heard was about a young man who stayed overnight somewhere so as not to drive drunk, but later the next day fell asleep at the wheel because he was so tired and died. </p>
<p>@MaineLonghorn The party is tonight and I’m worried that we might have a repeat of your son’s situation. It’ll be such a shame because she’s created this fabulous space in our basement with a cozy hang-out room and a second open room for dancing with amazing professional club lighting & sound system that my musician husband borrowed from his friends. It’s super cool. But her respondent list is tiny! I’m going to be very sad if the majority of her friends decide go to a “rager” intead…</p>
<p>Wishing good luck to you staceyneil! Hope the party works out!</p>
<p>@stacey-
I hope it goes well, I feel for your daughter,because it sounds like she understands the risks of having a party and you allowing it, yet she could pay the price because other parents either don’t know or are okay with a party like that. That said, please don’t feel guilty if it turns out the kids decide to go elsewhere, especially if your D in her upset blames you, if she does, it is just her expressing her sadness sideways. It is so awkward, because the kids feel like they are grown up but still in many ways are immature, and where as parents we want to give them leeway but also know we can’t entirely, that even if they are good kids, other kids may not be so mature. Sadly, the only way for something like this to work would take parents stepping in where they don’t want to tread, and basically telling the kids that they can go to something like D’s party, that they trust, and as someone else said, dropping them off to make sure they go there, but few parents would feel comfortable doing that, and I can’t entirely blame them, though if it were my son I also would want to know where he was going and who was throwing the party (though to be honest, I suspect the kind of party he would want to go to had kids playing chamber music all night <em>lol</em>…just the way he is), knowing the way prom night is and the culture. </p>
<p>I think you have done the right thing here, among other things the risks of throwing a party and letting the kids loose is just too risky, these days between the law, that once upon a time pretty much turned a blind eye to high school kids drinking (when I was growing up, no one would bust a parent if drinking went on at their home during a party, especially if it was evident they didn’t know), and the penalties for drunk driving or for letting someone drink were a lot more loosely enforced back them, today they go after everyone involved. Not saying that there isn’t a reason, I was on a rescue squad for a bit and every year I ended up at an accident scene pulling kids out of a wreck ,trying to keep them alive and seeing often tragic outcomes, but unfortunately you can’t tell many kids that age the reality, and their parents, who want to maintain a good relationship with the kids, don’t want to be seen as ogres or old farts…</p>
<p>I hope it works out and it turns out better than you thought. It could be tough if it doesn’t, but know that a)your D will survive b)and you have helped make sure she will survive:)</p>