After prom party at our house... advice needed!

Parent Cafe
1

<p>My D and her friend are not going to prom -they went last year and hated it- but want to dress up. So they’re having an alternative prom party in our (small) basement. A handful of kids will likely be here during regular prom hours, but they expect most of their friends to arrive after prom. They’re inviting 40 (!!) kids and expect half to show up. But of course you never know…</p>

<p>We’ve had a couple of more formal, much smaller parties (like the pre-prom dinner last year) at our house, but obviously those were much more supervised, with multiple parents in the same room as the kids. While we intend to be at home, definitely, we won’t be hanging out downstairs at the party. I’m trying to figure out how to balance our responsibility as parents/hosts with making sure we give them all enough space to have fun. They’re seniors, after all, and will be on their own at college soon, so a totally “chaperoned” event just doesn’t seem right.</p>

<p>There must be some way to find a balance between being responsible and being such kill-joys that no one has fun. Because providing a safe place for them to celebrate makes more sense than them all driving around going to some potentially UNsafe party, right?</p>

<p>I just don’t know what that balance is. For instance, what do you do if some kid arrives -or worse, starts to leave to drive home- and you suspect he/she is drunk? Do you breathalyze the kid? How mortifying! Yet, what if he is drunk and gets in an accident? How would we ever live with ourselves?</p>

<p>Last year, some local parents were charged with providing a place for underage drinking. They claimed they did not know it was going on, but the police received an anonymous tip and found kids vomiting and “evidence of underage drinking and marijuana use”. I can’t remember what happened but I know the parents were facing fines and jail time… and they claimed they didn’t realize it was happening.</p>

<p>We’ve been through a lot with my D and I trust that she, personally, won’t partake, but I can’t be so sure about the other kids. I kind of doubt my D’s friends would be that drunk and messy, but -especially with the number of kids being invited- it seems possible, if not likely, that SOMEONE will have at least a joint or a at least a small amount of booze.</p>

<p>I want to support my D in hosting this party, but I want to be responsible as well. What would you do?</p>

2

<p>To me, you seem very uncertain yourself on what you would allow and what you would not, which is IMHO a recipe for disaster. As hosts, you can be held legally and financially responsible for anything that happens under your roof. If you think its ok if they drink (what does “that drunk and messy” mean anyway?) are you sure that every parent of every underage minor attending would agree also?
Parents I’ve heard who have attempted to host these, do it with very clear guidelines and often the assistance of other adults. Keys are taken, bags are searched upon arrival (or taken) and alternate entrances are supervised as well. Room is searched for stashes ahead of guests arrival and guest list is strictly adhered to. </p>

<p>And the adults take turns staying awake to ensure rules are adhered to later in the night as well.<br>
I had one daughter attend an after party and left when a lot of guests arrived that she did not know and my other D chose not to attend one. It’s a difficult situation to be in. I am sure others will lots of more specific advice. </p>

3

<p>I appreciate the fact that you are thinking through this ahead of time. However, if your response to checking to see if a attendee is drunk is “how mortifying!”, I am concerned ! Not all kids drink of course, but 40 is a large number to invite to know “be sure” that none of them might drink on the premises or before arriving. Risk the chance of mortifying someone as opposed to putting anyone (including your responsibilty) at risk.</p>

<p>I would sit down with your daughter and her friend (or a couple of her closest friends who would be involved) and spell out - on paper - your expectations and limits. And, open the door to giving them permission to come to you that night with ANY concerns about their friends with your word that you will not share that they “squealed”. If they see something questionnable happen, they should come to you without having to provide a lot of detail, but to give you the chance to intervene.</p>

<p>While you don’t have to hang around the party, you might hang around the entryway when people are arriving and/or departing. :)</p>

4

<p>Thanks-</p>

<p>When I said, “drunk and messy” I was referring to the kids at the local parents’ party I’d just referenced: vomiting, etc.</p>

<p>I am not naive. I know that many of D’s friends do drink occasionally. We are talking about a flask of vodka smuggled into a slumber party type of thing, NOT the sort of vomiting, alcohol-poisoning situation I’d just mentioned. I also know that a good number of them smoke pot. It is ridiculously “normalized” in our community… don’t even get me started on that!</p>

<p>My H and I are making it very clear to D & friends that drinking/drugs will not be tolerated. We’re taking precautions like locking side rooms in the basement. There’s only one door in/out of the basement, and it is through our kitchen so we will be able to monitor kids coming and going easily.</p>

<p>I have always been critical of parents who said things like, “well they’re going to be drinking -or doing drugs, or whatever- someplace, so I might as well provide a safe place for them to do it.” Believe me, that is not AT ALL what I am suggesting here! I do NOT think that it’s OK if they drink, and we have (and will continue to be) very clear to my D and her friends that is the case.</p>

<p>That said, she’s inviting people we have never met and who don’t know us. Some of those people are bringing prom dates who are even more unknown. Teenagers being teenagers, it seems possible that one of these kids is going to make a bad decision and/or not care to respect our rules. What happens then?</p>

5

<p>When my girls were in high school, it was very hard to find parents who would host post-prom parties, pre-prom, yes. One set of parents agreed to do it for D1’s group of friends. I think they had 35-40 kids. The parents took everyone’s car keys as soon as they arrived and they weren’t given back after breakfast. People who weren’t invited were not allowed to come in. Both parents stayed up all night. The father sat by the stairs so no one could sneak up to the bedrooms. Few years later they were still finding beer cans behind counters. </p>

6

<p>abasket, thanks. You are quite right, I would never want to avoid being safe just because something is embarrassing. I meant that using a breathalyzer might be mortifying… which is not to say I wouldn’t do it, but there’s that fine line trying to decide whether to do it or not. How drunk would the kid have to appear before you pulled them aside and breathalyzed them? Clearly if someone is obviously intoxicated we would not hesitate to confrot them if they were driving, but where’s that line? I’m hoping to hear from people who’ve been in that position before.</p>

7

<p>also, thanks for the thoughts on how to address D and her friends. I especially appreciate the part about inviting them to come to us with any concerns that night. I would not have thought of that! Much better for us to be the heavies (my H will be fine in that role) by confronting any kids they worry might be drunk/driving.</p>

8

<p>oldfort… ack. She sent the invites out yesterday without clearing it with me first, and she wrote “till the break of dawn” on them. I’m NOT okay with that long a party. She’s going to have to change that line ASAP. Luckily it is a facebook event invite so she won’t have to resend them all. I will ask her to make a post noting the change!</p>

<p>H and I have been talking about this a lot today and the feedback from this forum will be really helpful in speaking with D tonight about it. Keep it coming, thank you!</p>

9

<p>So what time do you expect the party to end??? Are you more comfortable sending kids out in the middle of the night than dawn? Around here prom doesn’t end till midnight. </p>

10

<p>Prom ends at 11 here, and when she came up with this plan it was not so much an after-prom party as an alternative-to-prom. When she pitched it to us, and we agreed, it was mainly something to do INSTEAD of prom, and someplace for kids to come after they’d put in an appearance to prom but not stayed the whole time.</p>

<p>I understand that, her school doesn’t do a very good job with prom and the music and decorations are pretty lame. So this seemed okay and fun to us. The idea was to have a party they could dress up for and feel special, even though they weren’t going to the actual prom. It now feels like it has the potential to morph into a REAL after-prom party, which was never the intention. I definitely do not want 40 kids (even 20 kids!) spending the night here. We have a tiny, tiny house. It’s just not happening.</p>

<p>I hadn’t thought about “kicking them out in the middle of the night” because I’d been thinking it would only last a little longer then the real prom, ie till about midnight/1 AM or so. </p>

11

<p>Lots of old threads on this, including one I wrote with a blow by blow description of the event, which was pretty entertaining. Heres a link to a list of do’s and dont’s" learned after the event <a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parent-cafe/350384-do-s-and-dont-s-for-hosting-the-post-prom-party.html”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parent-cafe/350384-do-s-and-dont-s-for-hosting-the-post-prom-party.html&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;

12

<p>It’s probably better to keep them all night, honestly. That will prevent disaster if somebody shows up there already drunk.
One rule you should impose: nobody leaves and then returns. If somebody leaves, that’s it. Otherwise they will leave, drink, and then return.
Tell your daughter that you will stay upstairs–except you will occasionally pop in to bring more snacks. Without warning.</p>

13

<p>Something to consider is that I’ve always avoided driving after midnight on prom night in my town, because I don’t want to get hit by a drunk driver leaving prom or a post-prom party. Just as I prefer to avoid being on the road at that time on new years eve. If it were me, I wouldn’t have invited more people than could stay over if it was planned to run over after prom ended. Sending them home at 12-1 doesn’t seem like an amazing idea.</p>

<p>Why did your D send out invitations before you were finished discussing this?</p>

14

<p>One note: an “all-night party” isn’t necessarily the same as a “co-ed sleepover.”</p>

15

<p>I know, I know. She’d shown me the first draft a month ago and I assumed she would run it by me before actually ending it. But her best friend was over yesterday and they got into the guest list thing and sent it out. I’m not happy about it. She thinks we’re over-involved parents to begin with and she probably figured she’d already showed me so it was OK. I’m not pleased :(</p>

16

<p>I will also add to Ema’s last comment - if already your D has done a couple things NOT in agreement or settled on - sending out invites, turning it into more than an “alternative to prom” party, etc. - clearly she is already taking the reins and you as the adult hosts of the party are losing the reins. I would put a halt right now to any further plans to become public until you are fully clear of your expectations. </p>

17

<p>Hunt, how is an all-night party not a sleepover?
I can’t imagine they’d all stay up all night! Her drama club has had all-night cast parties every year and everyone (okay maybe 95%) always falls asleep and, yes, there’s always some inappropriate sleeping arrangements.</p>

18

<p>Argh. Clearly we need to rethink all this. </p>

<p>Basically she jumped the gun sending the invites without asking us yesterday. We had intended to have a lot more discussions about things before she did so, which would have clarified a lot of this.</p>

19

<p>

It’s not a sleepover if nobody sleeps.</p>

<p>I’m being a bit facetious, but I think the best way to handle a party like this is an expectation that the kids will stay up, watch movies, dance, whatever, and have breakfast at some point, and then leave–ideally, get picked up by parents.</p>

20

<p>Thanks, Hunt.
Ugh, that’s so NOT what we signed up for!
We’re going to talk to D this afternoon about it. We need a clearer idea of her expectations. If she wants it to be a normal post-prom party like that, we can discuss it I guess. I do hear everyone’s concerns about them not driving home late.</p>