<p>Wow, HImom, she really shouldn’t be living alone. :(</p>
<p>Well, the medical social worker (MSW) said she was OK to be discharged to return to her home to live alone and not suitable for skilled nursing. MSW admitted that she DOES get confused and forgetful but reorients well and is cheerful and is able to conduct activities of daily living. I have concerns about whether she will remember to or be interested in eating if no one is there to remind her to eat and how often she will take/skip/duplicate her meds w/o supervision, as well as other safety issues. Hopefully her S will take a critical eye and notice these issues and figure out how best to address them in his whirlwind visit. Not sure how long he plans to remain here and whether his visit will be long enough to get her safely situated. He & his sister really need to step up as it is clear if they care about her safety.</p>
<p>It was the meds issue that caught my eye; as you know, what finally decided us to move my parents was that my dad was forgetting how many pain pills he’d taken, and also deliberately doubling up on his sleeping pills. When he was hospitalized for an overdose, we decided we had to act. </p>
<p>Parenting your parents, or other senior family members – everything about it is hard. Your family is blessed to have you keeping an eye out for potential problems.</p>
<p>Yes, the medications concern me as well. When you live alone and can’t remember whether you’ve taken a med or precisely what meds you are supposed to take, it is definitely problematic and I’m not familiar with the various systems available & which one would be most appropriate OR whether it would take a person to check in on a regular basis to see whether the right meds are being taken at the correct time.</p>
<p>It DOES get scary. I am NOT telling anyone what to do or reaching any conclusions but am passing on my observations to her children, so they remain informed and can decide what to do about the information. Personally, I would not know what to do if it were MY parents, especially if I lived 2500 miles away. I WOULD try to learn more instead of believing “everything is fine,” no matter how much more palatable that is.</p>
<p>Yea, it is the meds that poses an immediate threat–cholesterol med, antibiotics and some other pill (perhaps a diuretic–can’t remember). When she’s that forgetful about meds, I also wonder if she will “forget” to eat and/or drink. She showed signs of this while we were there as well–stating that she wasn’t hungry & wouldn’t eat (even tho it was her regular dinner hour). When we heated the food and insisted she eat with us, she ate everything on the plate, including the cut fruit and drank two glasses of water, plus took the two pills I handed her.</p>
<p>I am not convinced she would have eaten if we didn’t heat the food and eat with her, as she kept insisting she wasn’t hungry.</p>
<p>For my Mom her neurologist was our biggest help … she the medical expert who would help us with my Mom’s long-term care insurance company about paying for in-house care and adult day care. HiMom my suggestion is to find a doctor who specializes in treating the elderly who will advocate for help for her.</p>
<p>I work for Visiting Angels. You might want to check them out. I’m a new employee, but a companion. I do laundry, make beds, change sheets, empty dishwasher, drive my lady to get groceries, etc., fix meals. I am not a nurse, though. Just someone to help with daily activities. I choose not to take jobs where I would be bathing people, though. And, somehow, I don’t think we are allowed to actually handle the medication, but can remind them and make sure they take it.</p>
<p>Thanks–yes, we have a visiting angels branch in HI, as I have seen their van from time to time. I really hope her S can work with her doc to help figure out what she needs & be sure she gets it so she can continue to live safely! I hope they also address her driving and taking medications.</p>
<p>The S is in town from Thursday through Tuesday, leaving on the red-eye. He has gone with her to her doc and is arranging to have someone look in on her for an hour every day & see how that goes. He admits that she has very limited and unreliable short-term memory, for things such as taking medications. He put pills into an elaborate pill container but no assurances as to whether this is or is not enough or overkill & it may depend on her state of mind which can vary greatly from moment to moment.</p>
<p>He is hoping his sister will sell her place & move back to HI to help the mom but I have never heard his sister express any such interest or intention. Neither of them have lived in HI for over 40 years and all their friends are in CA. Oh well, hopefully they will figure things out between themselves.</p>
<p>You’ve certainly done all you can do, above and beyond the call of duty, in fact. This new arrangement is better than nothing, no question. I’ll say it again: your extended family is lucky to have you.</p>
<p>Make sure that there are good working smoke alarms. One of the frightening things about having her home with short-term memory issues is cooking. It is very easy for her to put something on the stove or in the oven, and simply forget it. If a fire broke out in the house, could she might have a difficult time getting out.</p>
<p>The son MUST take away her car keys. She must not be allowed to “reorient” her car into a mother pushing a stroller on the sidewalk or a kid crossing the street. As LasMa said, she needs to stop driving now, before the horrible accident.</p>
<p>My 89 year old mom has lived with me for nearly 5 years. I find when she is hospitalized that she becomes even more confused and frail. And, when she gets back home, it takes a lot of hands on to get her back to where she was. Hope a few days at home with support will help clear some of the fog.
When my dad was still alive and driving when he shouldn’t have, we took his spark plugs out of the car!</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>We’re in the same boat–father in Hawaii, we’re all in CA. Fortunately, he is still in relatively good health at 80, but recognizes that he could be needing more supervision sooner rather than later. So he has decided to move back to the Mainland sometime this year. (I’ll believe it when he hires a RE agent.)</p>
<p>Is there any way that the mother will move to CA?</p>
<p>HImom - you are a saint. There is a special place for people like you.</p>
<p>I have not read or commented on this thread because I check in with CC to have a few lighthearted moments and I am being consumed by this issue IRL. </p>
<p>Just a couple of thought. All of us will handle out folks and elderly loved ones differently. After what I have been through with my pig-headed Irish dad I know that some of what informs our decisions are the leftover issues from growing up. </p>
<p>When push comes to shove, it is very hard not to revert to patterns from years gone by. I may be well respected professionally, but to my dad, I am still the daughter, the woman, and I certainly can’t know what I am talking about. It has taken me three long years to finally concede defeat. So, I will continue to be responsible for many things in his life, but if he wants to do something that I know is ill-advised, if is not going to hurt my mom or another person - so be it. </p>
<p>One quick story. Dad had a colostomy 22 years ago. Because of surgery to repair a hernia, a new type of bag is needed. He doesn’t want to use the new type of bag. I understand, he had more control before, it is something new to learn, etc., etc. I understand, but (call me crazy) I thought it was important to re-order bags before he ran out of these newfangled ones he despised. I ask if I could place order for him MULTIPLE times, but he declined. He said he thought he had some old bags that would work. I said, “Dad, you don’t want to be stuck in bed with a Hefty bag attached to your stoma.”</p>
<p>A couple of weeks later I got a call from pharmacist at retirement home. Dad had run out of bags. Well, he had one on - but it was his last one. I happened to be sick that day. Not just feeling well, but on the floor, two feet from the bathroom, sick. I said I was sorry but I couldn’t start calling places to see if they carried bags for him. I called my brother and said I truly couldn’t do anything. Bro found a place and paid $70 to have them shipped. </p>
<p>It was the most important day of my relationship with my dad. I still offer help, but I am a different person. I have talked to critical people in the retirement home and if he tries to do certain things that would be a danger, I will get involved. But I know, that he will NEVER listen to my advice. He has always needed to control the women in his life and he is not going to stop now. In fact, as he loses his battle to aging, he is becoming more resistant to suggestions. </p>
<p>So - we all do what we can, but some of us are still locked in patterns that were established long ago and although WE may have changed, our folks may want things to stay as they were.</p>
<p>Not sure–they’re all pretty stubborn & set in their own ways. None of them even visits with the others for longer than a week perhaps once/year. Don’t have any idea if the mother would EVER consider moving. Her home is far from the very limited bus service & quite isolated. Both the S & D are working full time, so am not sure how much time they would spend with her even if she DID move. Ions back, her best friend moved into a condo & she contemplated moving into the same building but decided it was too much work to downsize from her huge home to a small condo; I suspect she would find it even more daunting at this time.</p>
<p>I have no idea what the S & D & she are discussing. Believe the S is realizing how easily she gets confused with this visit. Am not sure how she will get out & about w/o her car as she is used to driving and has not gotten HandiVan, which is available but requires significant waiting and advanced arrangements. I do not have authority to forbid her to drive but have written to her S & D that prior to this hospitalization, she was always the designated nighttime driver of herself & the BF.</p>
<p>Relocating is not easy on any one, especially as folks get older and more fragile. They also get more easily confused in new surroundings. I believe the S has had some discussions with the medical social worker & the doc about the care of his mom. The doc was the one who recommended some names of people to come in & check in on her.</p>
<p>Yes, I think this woman has a pretty good relationship with her S and actually listens to him more than most others. When her brother tried to get someone to come to her home to help out, she flat out refused. She appears to be cooperating MUCH more with her S. He is planning to have HIS S come & visit her for less than a week in May. Now that he is here, he is starting to realize that he may have to come with the S to help the trip be a better experience for everyone involved.</p>
<p>Family patterns ARE very tough to change. I am fortunate that my folks actually do seem to listen to me and rely upon me for some things & I let others handle the rest. It is important to know when we need to let others take a role rather than “interfering,” no matter how obvious and well-intentioned things seem. These matters can get pretty sticky.</p>
<p>I’m kind of on the sidelines on this but am trying to think of ideas to help. My 94 year old MIL is currently in assisted living recovering from a stroke a few months ago. The home is in NYC where my SIL lives, but MIL wants to return home to New Haven. SIL has been very active with researching and making arrangements over the years, as has a senior care advisor who has worked with the family for years, including with late FIL. The advisor likes to work with agencies, but MIL is very concerned with costs and in the past has used non-agency help with various success. MIL is very adamant about not letting her kids help financially although she doesn’t know that DH and SIL have been paying the advisor all along.</p>
<p>She will need 24/7 for a while then tapering down to maybe 16 hours a day. I was wondering if this is the sort of work a nursing or other health field student might be interested in doing over the summer. I would welcome opinions from those of you who know such students - are they hurting for summer employment? Would they be interested in overnight work with room and board? She doesn’t really need medical care although some assistance with speech therapy would be beneficial. Mentally she’s OK. A few years ago she fell and broke her hip while alone and took about 8 hours before she could reach a phone and get help so no one wants to have anything like that happen again. She was also alone when she had her stroke and we only found out about it because my husband called soon after and she couldn’t talk. He feels somewhat helpless since we live in a different part of the country. She’s healthy enough to go home now but can’t do it until help is arranged. The problem seems to be finding someone economically priced who isn’t looking long range. I’ve also seen a few people advertise on Craigslist but that seems pretty chancy.</p>
<p>This is a bit of a standoff between what MIL insists on, and what her children and adviser feel is best. So I’m trying to think of a compromise even though I haven’t been involved in making decisions.</p>
<p>One thing I would STRONGLY recommend is that your MIL get some sort of an assistance necklace/bracelet or other device that can sense when she falls or she can push if she needs assistance. The device triggers a service that calls the patient to see if everything is OK and if no response calls the two number pre-designated by the patient & then 911 for emergency help. It was what was purchased for our loved one & because there is actually a service, you pay in installation plus a monthly charge. There are other devices that you just install and have no monthly charge but do not have a service involved. It just calls the numbers that you have programmed (often one or two nearby folks & then 911).</p>
<p>The interest & availability of help depends on the location of the dwelling, proximity to school, and employment demand in your area, among other factors. One thing about relying on students is that they graduate or move on (literally & figuratively) & then you need to recruit & hire again. Quality varies, like everything else. If your MIL does have extra space in her home, she might find someone who is interested in free rent and nominal stipend for lodging and perhaps a few duties, as rentals & housing prices are challenging for many. Be sure to do a thorough background check, since most folks are not bonded and you don’t want them stealing from MIL or possibly abusing/neglecting her.</p>
<p>MIL got the bracelet after she returned home from the hip, but didn’t even realize anything was wrong after the stroke so hadn’t pushed it. When DH called (we were driving home long distance) he kept telling her to push it but didn’t know if she did. He then called SIL who called a neighbor who came over and called 911. </p>
<p>I think the family would prefer someone who could start full time then switch to part time, which is why I thought of students, especially with summer break coming. That would give them a few months to investigate long term ongoing care. I thought of students because I think Yale has a School of Nursing, and I don’t think the employment situation is too rosy around there!</p>
<p>^^
At my parents’ Assisted Living, they are required to wear a necklace/bracelet, but the director told me that they often forget to push the button when they’re in trouble. And of course, if the person is unconscious for whatever reason, they can’t push it. Given that your MIL has had two incidents while she was alone, I’d feel nervous about leaving her alone even 8 hours a day.</p>