aging parent update.

Parent Cafe
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<p>Well poor mom.
I call her almost every day,( only one who does) I come over once a week to check on her- but I admit I haven’t sat down with sibs to lay out a schedule. ( she also has a PT/OTcoming in twice a week as well as a housekeeper)</p>

<p>While I spoke to her Friday, and she told me that my brother was coming over the next day, I didn’t call her Sat, because I was wiped out from the week.
She apparently had fallen, couldn’t get to the phone, & laid there because brother was coming over.
However, he didn’t , so she drug herself to the phone after lying on the floor all day & called 911.
The Dr called me the next day, as I was the only one that could be reached, although I am a little farther away, and I contacted the sibs.
I had tried to get sibs to pitch in for one of those Lifeline systems, she could wear around her neck since she falls so much, but they didn’t think it was necessary.
Guess full time care will be more cost effective. :confused:</p>

<p>So difficult to talk to sibs.
When I got to hospital, she had, had a stroke and she was talking gibberish phrases, although she could be understood every once in a while.
She desperately wanted someone to take her stuff home ( her purse etc) which I understood, as other times things have been " misplaced", like her bank cards & her shoes.
However, because I don’ t have power of attorney ( I did originally- but sis threw a fit) & because she wasn’t able to speak clearly, security guard wouldn’t release her things to either I or my brother. So my sister, who * is* the one with power of attorney, had to come in, even though she was loathe to interrupt " family home evening".</p>

<p>Boy was she ticked. Funny thing, the security guard thought my younger brother was my * dad<img src=“he%20is%20overweight%20and%20looks%20%20older%20than%20he%20is-%20as%20is%20my%20sister-%20they%20are%20not%20happy%20when%20people%20think%20I%20am%20younger%20than%20they-%20not%20my%20fault,%20its%20not%20like%20I%20wear%20knee%20socks%20and%20pigtails,%20but%20they%20already%20weren’t%20happy%20because%20of%20the%20%20local%20&%20national%20election%20results.%20;” alt=“/i”> I barely rubbed it in at all)</p>

<p>I went back Monday with younger D, mom was doing much better, she was speaking clearly & had passed swallow test so she could eat, but very anxious. Kept saying she couldn’t breathe, even though she wasn’t coughing constantly as she does at home & her oxygen level was very good.
I suggested to her, that anxiety can feel like something pressing on lungs and tried to find a distraction & I was getting her to cooperate when brother came- but I saw that he jumped on any little complaint she made as something for the nurses to deal with immediately & that made her complaints ( and anxiety IMO, increase)</p>

<p>OMG those poor nurses-</p>

<p>Today I am going to try and get him to hear, that while I think addressing complaints is valid, and important, I also think that when you pay undue attention to every little thing they are magnified, and you don’t really get at, the main concern.</p>

<p>It also doesn’t help me feel maternal when my mothers racist/sexist behavior comes out when she is stressed. The Asian nurses are * cute* , she asks the black nurses where they are from( implying not from around here), the males she assumes are Drs ( even when they are orderlies!), and she pays more attention to them, than the RNs ( when they are female).</p>

<p>But this helpless dynamic that she has when she is around my brothers " male authority" really drives me nuts. It just feeds into his inferiority/superiority complex.</p>

<p>I am going to have to learn to deal with it though, because we are going to have to get a plan of action.</p>

<p>Any ideas?</p>

<p>Although I am the oldest in family, our dynamic has been that I am dismissed- even though per medical issues, I am probably the most familiar with health care, given my reading and experience.
I think I will email first my ideas to sibs- that way they can’t talk over me.
;)</p>

<p>I know I am not the only one dealing with parental health care- feel free to release your concerns and share ideas on how you take care of yourself.</p>

<p>Now that my H is back at work, I am definitely rejoining the gym, even though I am active- I want to be like my neighbor who still hikes @ 94, not my mom who is in & out of hospital in her 70’s.</p>

2

<p>Sorry to hear of your mother’s illness, but it does sound like she is on the mend.</p>

<p>I understand family issues well! I think an email where you can have your thoughts in orders and your siblings can not interrupt your every thought would be in your best interest. If they are like my siblings, they will say you think you know everything and will turn anything you say around.</p>

<p>Start with the email and see where it goes from there. Does your mother have a primary care physician that you could speak to in private to see what he/she suggest? Sometimes someone that is not so personally involved can speak the loudest! When you siblings hear from the doctor that your mother needs XYZ, they might be more inclined to listen.</p>

3

<p>I completely understand what you are going through. All I can do is tell you that I hear you and can relate. Hang in there. I’m sorry your siblings are a PITA and not willing to work with you on a constructive basis for the benefit of your mother.</p>

<p>We are dealing with our elderly mother who is wheelchair bound and suffering from some moderate (not yet extreme) dementia. My stepfather died fairly suddenly in early September. My sister and her husband are quite competent- perhaps a little on the controlling side but I’m not complaining. They are the ones who are geographically close and are about to move Mom into a large addition they have built onto their home for her (was supposed to be for both our parents). I couldn’t have done what they are doing, so I have the utmost admiration and gratitude. I try to get up there every 4-6 weeks to help with the packing and visit with Mom. I am a minor player, but I think my ability to be more calm/less stressed than my sister is a relief to Mom. I, of course, am able to do this because I don’t have to deal with the whole thing at the level my sister does! We have a brother who is a street person and alcoholic who we won’t allow in our mother’s home because he is destructive and unable to remain sober. She obsesses about him and has allowed him to basically ruin the quality of the last 30 years of life for her and my deceased stepfather. My sister and I keep expecting him to turn up dead due to his lifestyle, which would not be a bad thing. He hasn’t seen our mother for 6 weeks (the last time we threw him out of the house drunk) but has been offered every opportunity to meet her for lunch somewhere- just not at the house. He’s a loser, which is a gross understatement.
We have struggled (again, mainly my sister) to find competent home aides for our mother. We have the resources available (Mom’s) to pay, but the people you get just aren’t that great. They start out OK, but are lazy and take advantage of the situation. We will have much less need for help (a couple hours a day and some weekend help) once we get her moved into the addition at my sister’s house. For now we pretty much need help 9-5 and still have the worry during the unstaffed hours. </p>

<p>I think it is a difficult stage of life (mine)- still worrying about young adult children and now also having the concern about the elderly parents. I still have a mother, stepmother and father alive, so I’m just beginning the process of losing them.</p>

4

<p>I anticipate that while I wouldn’t consider my mother and I * close*, outside of my brother and sister, I really don’t have any relatives that I have seen since I was little, so her failing health is maybe hitting me harder than I expected.</p>

<p>It sounds like it is really hard to find care. A local place that supplemented salaries from state funding with donations is having to close-( I think because of state budget cuts)
Looking at our 401K, I think we are going to have to stay healthy or else move to the woods to eat nuts and berries.
Momofwildchild, Have you read * the Glass Castle*?
I went through a period where I read lots of memoirs re: dysfunctional childhoods- ( I should save them to give to my kids), it is amazing what some people have to deal with and still be able to see the silver lining.</p>

<p>I agree that email is good way to go. I often write out things when I want to talk about things with my H or D, because it seems to be less combative ( not that I don’t like a good discussion), I dont want to say that they aren’t articulate, but it gives them a chance to process the situation or request without getting on the defensive so much.</p>

5

<p>We use a Radio Shack auto dialer with remote, listening-speaker phone function and multiple number dialing. Tried LifeLine, don’t like it. Although we live only 2 miles from the homestead, I now live eves and lunches with Mom, other times with FIL at our home.</p>

6

<p>“I completely understand what you are going through.” And I too am sorry about your predicament. It really does help to vent a little to people who care. Come her anytime. If there is any consolation in all this (which IMHO there may not be), it’s that things could definitely be worse. Please make an extra effort to take care of yourself!</p>