<p>My mother is thinking about moving in with my brother. She says she finds living alone lonely and is not looking forward to dealing with winter. We are going to be discussing it soon, are there any issues I should be bringing up with my brother? Their house will probably want to add a bathroom on the ground floor, but they have tons of room so that should not be difficult. It’s been a large chaotic family, but they only have one kid in high school left at home. I think there is some potential for my mother to get overwhelmed by some of the big personalities in the house. I love them, but I am not sure I’d want to live with them 24/7, which I guess is my source of concern.</p>
<p>Are there any expectations on your brother’s part of your supporting him in this arrangement? Financially? Time off?
Will your mom have her own social outlets in his neighborhood?
(We’re thinking of doing the same…)</p>
<p>A couple of things…</p>
<ol>
<li>How will privacy for all parties be guaranteed?</li>
<li>How will expenses be handled?</li>
<li>How will responsibilities for all the rest of you siblings be handled?</li>
<li>How will you ALL handle this when/if your mom’s situation warrants a change in living OR if the living with brother doesn’t work out?</li>
<li>What will you do if mom has issues you don’t currently know about (e.g. that others have found…hoarding, compulsive behaviors, etc).</li>
</ol>
<p>Not wishing to be pessimistic, but I’ve seen issues with family friends who have had parents live with them.</p>
<p>If there is no other living option for your mom, can you assist her somehow to alleviate the “overwhelming” elements?</p>
<p>This is also a big question for me as my parents continue to age…</p>
<p>Our family considered a similar arrangement and abandoned the idea in favor of finding the parent a very nice apartment in an age restricted place that is a very short distance from the kids.</p>
<p>We moved my mom in with us 10 years ago. The first house we had was a split level house- she had the bottom 1,000sf and we (4 of us) had the top 1,000sf. It didn’t work out for us and after an accident (mom fell down the stairs), we bought a colonial house with an unfinished basement. We finished the basement to her liking and made sure everything had an open fell to it. She has her own bedroom, bathroom, full kitchen, and living room. There are some days that go by where I don’t see her.</p>
<p>If you are going to add on to a house, make sure everything is made with wheelchair access in mind. Wider doorways, walk in shower, taller toilet seat, and had rails everywhere that there’s a possibility for falling.</p>
<p>Some of the things we have had to deal with- going with mom at least once per year to her doctor, to make sure she is doing what she should be doing. She doesn’t hear too well and won’t ask the doctor to speak up.</p>
<p>Mom still drives her own car, but our rule is that she has to be home by dark- her night vision isn’t the greatest. No driving on I-95, city streets only. She has to go to the 55 alive program every 3 years so I get a break on my insurance which she is on. We cover the utilities, phone, car insurance, cable, and sometimes food- if I’m out and she needs something I’ll buy it for her. She covers her own health insurance, life insurance, dental insurance, food and gas for her car. She doesn’t have much in SS so I fill out her food stamp application every year. She also has SSI that covers her medicare Part D.</p>
<p>We have rules about when we’ll come and “visit” her. We knock on the wall before entering her basement and the kids hal sort of learned how to not stomp like elephants. ALthough with mom’s hearing not being too good, it works out.</p>
<p>I pay her bills online with her account- I’m listed as a joint owner. I hate to say this but she’s very much like another child…but one who doesn’t have to listen to what I say. Sometimes it’s great, otehr times it’s a burden; but we see more of my mom than my brother and sister. They live 3,000 miles away and have their own issues.</p>
<p>My hubby and I have talked about how we will hanlde things when mom gets older and needs “daycare”, we’ll hire a companion to come in during the week to keep her busy. Hopefully that will be after both kids are through college…</p>
<p>I’ve noticed that the more active and social older people are, the less negative and pessimistic they tend to be. The only bad side I have noticed is that when there are emergencies, our leave balance at work takes a plunge. We’re still trying to recover from a fall she had last year in PA- about 150 miles from home. Other than that things are working out.</p>
<p>I’d suggest having a sit down discussion with both parties to lay out expectations, that will help a lot. Don’t assume anything.</p>
<p>It has also helped that Mom has a very active social life- quitling club, ceramics, senior center. If she didn’t have that, she would be miserable. </p>
<p>I would make sure there is something in the area that she can do to keep busy. Sometimes having friends their own age can do wonders.</p>
<p>I believe the key is the in-law of the parent. They must not only be on board they must really be on board.</p>
<p>^^ Tom^^
VERY VERY true. My hubby gets along so much better with my mother than I do. We would have divorced a long time ago if he hadn’t. PLus in all the arguments we have had over the years, never once has he thrown my mother back into my face…even though we have supported her for over 20 years and the 10 years of actually living with us.</p>
<p>We are truly sandwiched.</p>
<p>It ends and then you are sad. The more you can do to help, the better. That is just my two cents. I had my mother live with me and we had a live in since I was working full time and she could not at 97 have been on her owm. I was there when she died. I am glad she was with me.I miss both my parents and we had a rocky relationship over the years. At the end of their lives when they needed me, I was there.</p>
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<p>Lots of good points have been made already, but your opening statement gave me a reason to pause. As others have mentioned, one of the keys to this arrangement working, is the parent’s outside interests. Your mom may have unrealistic expectations of how she will be involved in the family’s activities. If she thinks your brother and his wife are going to be her new best friends - that will difficult. I am not sure how your sister-in-law will enjoy this new role. </p>
<p>I guess why this troubles me so much, is that other more tangible issues can be investigated and ironed out in advance. This is far more nebulous and yet it has the potential to lead to hurt feelings, resentment, etc.</p>
<p>I know that when my folks moved into their new retirement apartment, they did NOT get involved. My dad was admitted to the hospital on the very day they moved in, so my mom got off to a bad start. Since that time, they have never really bounced back and so I KNOW I am the best part of their social life. That’s not good. </p>
<p>It’s great your brother has you. You can point out things that maybe your brother can’t say - like don’t expect his wife to want to go to lunch with you every time she takes you to an appointment.</p>
<p>Good luck & keep us posted.</p>
<p>My parents moved to our town after my Dad got a terminal diagnosis, he lived for a few years, but they needed the help. But like post #10, my mother never got involved in the area as she was 100% absorbed with him and his journey. Now he is dead, she is mid 80s and does not drive and does not know many people here.</p>
<p>It is extremely difficult to find a new social life in a new town. When you are 80+ most people your age are dead or infirm so local social events, be in church related, community related etc, have a younger group attending, all of whom as sweet to you, but none who share common experiences and are going to call for a chat.</p>
<p>Then there are hobbies, how can one sew, knit, crochet, garden, even write letters as arthritis sets in. I am having a rough time finding activities and friends for my mother and very much am aware that our family is her primary human contact. Luckily my husband is a man of character who also cares deeply for her so he makes it easy on me.</p>
<p>Another recommendation is to analyze the sibling situation and know what your reality is. If you have a sibling far away will they help you out by making a weekly phone call and annual visit- just to give your parent something new to think about!- or are they ‘too busy?’ What about nearby siblings? Will they help only when asked? Will they get involved?</p>
<p>I was extremely frustrated, expecting some of my siblings to pitch in more than they did. I mean, hey, I am responsible for every physical and social aspect of her life 24/7, would a 15 minute phone call or a monthly lunch really kill you? Apparently the answer is yes 
But now that I have adjusted my expectations to know that it is me & my family 24/7 and anything any one else may do is gravy, I feel better. I know it is all on me and I am including her in most of our family activities and not making a big deal of calling and including the others in decisions. I am just taking care of her in the ways she needs.</p>
<p>We went through this three years ago. My mother/stepfather were balking at assisted living and were becoming less and less mobile. My mother is wheelchair bound. We all agreed on an addition to my sister’s house (her husband totally bought in and the 2 kids were at college) paid for with our parents’ money. It was expensive, but not as expensive as the buy-in for the nicer assisted living places up there. Unfortunately, my stepfather died the day we broke ground, so only mom moved in. It is fully handicap accessible and has a basement with bed and bathroom for guests or aides. My sister did a great job of lining up aides for mom- awesome women who are now like family members (and facebook friends). We have 4 that we rotate and right now that is only daytime help and occasional overnights. The addition has a full kitchen, living room, bedroom and bath, and connects to my sister’s house with a shared sunroom. Mom loves it and enjoys all my sister’s animals who share her space (3 Greyhounds, one of which is a certified therapy dog for seniors and 5 cats). It is NOT inexpensive, and we pay the aides a lot, but we chose to do this to get the type people we wanted. I agreed at the outset that the improvement to my sister’s house and the addition in value would be theirs alone since she was doing all the work with Mom. I think part of why it all works for us is that I offer emotional support and visit every 6 weeks or so (which Mom loves), but I don’t interfere. We haven’t had one argument about any of it.<br>
It is touch and go for us because Mom needs help transferring (chair to bed to toilet etc) and we are doing everything possible to keep her in the home. She’s 85. My sister and brother in law have busy lives and jobs, and Mom jokes that she sees me more than she does my sister, but that’s part of why we made sure the aides are fun companions and good caregivers for her. They get her to the hairdresser every week (the world would end if Mom didn’t get her hair done every week…), doctor appointments etc. So far, this works for our family.</p>
<p>My mother lived with my brother & his family in another state for a time-( but maintained her own home in WA) however this was more because he wanted a live in babysitter for his young child, than because my mom couldn’t live alone.</p>
<p>I think it could work if it is your mothers choice AND if she is not dependent on your brother & his family for all of her transportation.</p>
<p>I wanted to make our detached garage into a MIL apt for my mom to live in. She was living in a condo, but needed more supervision ( for meds). However her medical issues escalated and she died before we could make a place for her- which pains me, because I don’t think those things would have happened if she had been here.</p>
<p>Congrats on having a mom that is willing and able to make this decision like an adult. I have a 93 year old father-in-law that we hve been trying to get to move in with us for the past 4 years. He still drives (but has been in a number of accidents the past year), he lives alone, and he has trouble with ambulation. He lives over 2 hours from any family member, and has limited resources close to where he currently lives.
We renovated our home a few years back, and set the home up to accomodate him as he continues to age, and in the event that he has a health issue that requires him to move in immediately. We keep hoping that it will not come to that, but are well aware that it might.</p>
<p>Thank you all for sharing.</p>
<p>@MoWC:</p>
<p>How wonderful that all sounds! I too hope my parents’ care can be “paid for with our parents’ money”. They’ve planned, but “this economy” is throwing many for a loop!</p>
<p>Congrats on having a mom that is willing and able to make this decision like an adult.</p>
<p>That is often not the case- I have seen many of my friends parents have to be all but drug out of their homes because their kids are frightened they will burn the place down or have some other mishap while alone.</p>
<p>I wonder if the mother in question has concerns that are more specific than being lonely or dreading the winter that perhaps she isn’t ready to voice?</p>
<p>I agree Emerald…that it is not always the case, and that mom may have other concerns. Either way, it is much easier when the parent makes the decision on their own instead of having to be forced into the decision by their kids.</p>
<p>I think if Mom is still fairly healthy and there is a way to make an independent living space for her, that would be ideal. If I lived in England I would love to have a “granny flat” for my Mum where she would have her independence but would be close by. My brother bears nearly all the responsibility as I live on a different continent. The most difficult thing is getting her to acknowledge to outsiders that she needs help. He took her to the doctors this week fof a blood test and when they mentioned she was due a flu shot in a few weeks he asked them to come to the house to do it (UK docs still make house calls). They said they could only do that if she was housebound, she immediately said she was not housebound, he jumped in and said she is unable to leave the house alone so as far as he was concerned she is housebound. They now have her registered as housebound. He is having an organization called age concern come by to talk to her about outside help. He had them come last year but she said no to almost everything (except safety rails on the steps to the garden). He thinks she is closer to accepting the need for outside help if she wants to stay in her home - plus will be there when they come this time, so hopefully can turn the nos into yes’s. </p>
<p>Completely agree with the in-law having to be on board. It would not work for my Mum to move in with my brother as she and my sister-in-law do not get on. Much as I love my Mum, I completely understand why my SIL would not be on board with this - my Mum has always been unpleasant to her. I used to dread my SIL coming to my Mums when I was visiting because of my Mum’s attitude to her - after last Christmas now she has completely stopped coming. </p>
<p>My son has come up with the idea that he would like to buy a house with a few acres and his Dad and I build a little house on part of it. Love the idea. Hope he still thinks it is a good idea in a couple of years time (and that, if he has a spouse by then, she would be on board with the idea). Probably a pipe dream. Rather a nice one though.</p>
<p>Swimcatsmom…they actually have inlaw cottages exactly for what you are talking about. And they can be kinda nice. Plus easy to put up. This is one of the companies, but there are more out there. I saw one at one time that is completely self contained.
[Inspired</a> In-Law](<a href=“http://www.inspiredinlaw.com/index.php]Inspired”>http://www.inspiredinlaw.com/index.php)</p>
<p>My sister and brother in law also have HIS mother, who is turning 94. She is in an apartment about 5 miles away. They forced her to move to PA from NH because she really needed more help. She wasn’t thrilled, and insists on staying in the apartment, even though she needs helpers, too (but not as much as my mother). The plus is the two old gals get together and really enjoy each other.</p>