<p>I’m several years away from an empty next, but I just can’t get over the fear that I will have nothing to look forward to.</p>
<p>We’ve had an empty nest since 2005. How about volunteering for your S’s/D’s college? When D was in school, we would host the local admissions gathering for accepted students. It would keep us engaged with what was going on at the school (without being intrusive) and give us the opportunity to get involved. Also continue to do welcome phone calls to parents of incoming freshmen for the parents committee.</p>
<p>In your neighborhood, how about volunteering at your local library? With your teaching background, you could help out a wonderful resource that is suffering from financial cutbacks throughout the country.</p>
<p>And, you have my sympathy about your job loss. I got laid off twice but was lucky enough to land jobs both times. My H was laid off four years ago and now works from home. He does a lot of volunteer work in his field and volunteers for a town committee. He also works town elections (for which he gets paid).</p>
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<p>I think this is probably more to do with your feeling of ennui. The hardest transition I’ve made was the one from working world to SAHM. There’s a real sense of isolation after having been around adults all day and then losing that. Took about 3 months for me to adjust…</p>
<p>Last year was our first year with both kids out of the house. It was definitely weird at first. Mostly I just kept thinking about how old I was now and how quiet the house was. It was a big transition for me since I was a stay-at-home, homeschooling, sports-and-music mom.</p>
<p>I did many of the things others have suggested here; made more coffee dates with friends, volunteered at the high school to help kids with college apps, reorganized the house, got a part-time job. That is all good stuff, but also it just takes time to make the transition regardless of what you do.</p>
<p>I’m pretty much around the corner with it now, I find, going into our second year. I’m back in school full-time for this year, the house has gotten a much-needed freshening up with some deep cleaning, new stuff, and some painting here and there. I still volunteer at the high school, still miss my kids, but also enjoy the new rhythm of the days we have when they’re not here. And, they still turn up at Christmas and some visits in the summer. We visit them when we can (which isn’t often at all).</p>
<p>It’s really turned out to be just fine, but you can get to that point without going through the more difficult stuff. Stay busy, but don’t expect that to make the empty feeling go away. Only time seems to really work… as usual. ;)</p>
<p>I wrote what is below to another woman who had a similar set of issues but who had also lost her husband in the same year. I’m going to put more flesh on this in a subsequent post. Let me know if this is useful or drivel.</p>
<p>There are a few reasons to have external activities including but not limited to work for pay. One is income, necessary for many but not sufficient for a satisfying life. A sage friend of mine says that happiness (or at least mental health) probably requires that one’s life include community, meaning and structure. When one is gone, life can still be OK (and some people don’t need community although I think there is evidence that people who don’t have a real community die younger and have worse physical health, among other things). Structure just means that one has to be certain places at certain times, do certain things each day, etc. Structure can be self-generated, but many people do not do generate their own if left to their own devices. Without a sense of meaning to our lives, a sense that our actions are tied to some higher purpose or are consistent with our vision of ourselves as human beings, people tend to be unhappy or depressed. External activities including but not limited to work can help provide community, meaning and structure. Work for pay can give all (and I have the good fortunate to have work that provides community, meaning and some structure) but it may not. Many jobs don’t feel connected to higher purposes and for some people, sap a core kind of energy.</p>
<p>I would seek activities that provide community, meaning and structure – and income if you need or want it (because you need it or like to spend or because you or people whose opinions you value include it in assessments or the worth or people’s activities). But, if income is not as necessary because of your husband’s savings, insurance, etc., I’d focus on the things that give you the holy trinity of happiness. These could be employment but they could involve volunteer work, setting up a non-profit charitable organization, coaching younger people, etc.</p>
<p>For those of you who need or want to be an employee, the other thing I would do is to use the time in which you are not employed and are waiting for the job market to turn around to invest in yourself. Learn a set of skills or develop some area of knowledge that make you distinctive, differentiable from other applicants, and likely more desirable as an employee. Really learn a language that would be useful in your school district or in other settings. I’m no expert on elementary education, but I raised two kids with high IQs and learning disabilities who were always in mainstream classes. The first was severely dyslexic and had somewhat slow processing and delayed speech but was a brilliant academic performer. Maybe being the person who knows how to work with what are now known as twice exceptional kid would make you valuable to school systems. Who knows?</p>
<p>Lots of good ideas and support .I guess what I need to do is make new friends.I don’t know anyone who is available in the daytime,except for much older people .CC is a great resource. I am planning a trip abroad in March,so that is a nice distraction .Hopefully I will start subbing again soon,but it’s slow now.</p>
<p>fauxmaven, here’s a little more depth. </p>
<p>As community, purpose and, to a lesser extent in your case, structure fade away as they have in your case, it is easy to become depressed. I’d consider figuring out ways to rebuild each. I’m not religious, but being part of a religious community can provide community, meaning and structure. I’m Jewish and have seen groups like Chabad take an individual and fold them into their structure (support, worship, volunteering, …). But it has to be something you believe in. You can’t fake being an evangelical Christian – without belief, you are not their kind of Christian. [The good thing about Judaism in this regard is that you don’t have believe in God to participate in a Jewish community/synagogue, you just have to act in the prescribed ways – deeds matter and espoused beliefs don’t].</p>
<p>Community. When my father died, my mother, who was quite active in Jewish organizations, received and still receives lots of community support. People would call her to offer to drive her to various events (talks, meetings, etc.). More generally, I would seek out some organization whose ultimate purposes you value and figure out a way to spend your time with others in the community that feels meaningful to you and whose members are people you respect, find comfortable as potential friends, etc. This could be people concerned with hunger or literacy or the Sierra Club or historic preservation or the Tea Party (though it would sadden me if I inadvertently sent someone to the Tea Party Movement as it seems a lot more about anger than about meaning, but maybe I’m ignorant). Use the activities of the community to build relationships.</p>
<p>Meaning/Purpose. Is there anything that would feel like you were doing good in the world and helping others? Helping alleviate illiteracy or hunger, making the planet cleaner, reducing taxes, protecting women who are abused by husbands/boyfriends, helping poor kids get a good education, reducing regulation, … . Pick one or two. Join organizations to foster those values (see above). Figure out ways to volunteer your time/skills. As someone suggested above, it could be mentoring students applying to college who don’t have the parents/resources to know what to do. Opticians volunteer in the third world fitting glasses. Can teachers do something like that? Being generous makes people happier. Generally, be generous to others. My observation of my ultra-generous wife is that it comes back to her in multiples (most of the time, there are some takers who never give) because she gives without an immediate expectation of reciprocity. [She frequently volunteers my time as well].</p>
<p>Structure. Keep going to the gym. Take some classes. Maybe lots of scheduling of meals with others or around your group activities. Be systematic about building a set of skills you’d like to have (for a job or for your personal life). But, be conscious about maintaining some kind of structure in the 12 hours your husband is gone.</p>
<p>Rewiring Your Brain. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy really works for people who are depressed or getting there, and that sounds like a risk here. Consider seeing someone who does CBT. [If it is not obvious where to go, you may be able to get a referral to someone in your area by calling the appropriate unit at MacLean Hospital in Belmont, MA. See <a href=“http://www.mclean.harvard.edu/patient/adult/os.php.][/url”>http://www.mclean.harvard.edu/patient/adult/os.php.][/url</a>] Studies show that CBT actually rewires one’s brain to make one less susceptible to depression. Also, take a look at Victor Frankl’s extraordinary book Man’s Search for Meaning.</p>
<p>My advice here is obviously generic, but I hope it gives you a general strategy and that you can fill in the specifics given the facts of your own life. The good news is that there is research that supports almost everything I’ve suggested above. It does work. Let me know what you think.</p>
<p>Missypie, I had that same fear. I was thrilled to get the dates for Parents Weekend; something to look forward to once we had the empty nest! Slowly but steadily the calendar if filling up. </p>
<p>I remember being pregnant and worried because even though I’d been a nanny, I could not picture my day to day life as a Mom. But it came to pass and as my day to day changes once again it’s also falling into place.</p>
<p>I also highly recommend therapy, it’s been so helpful in addressing my fears and getting unstuck.</p>
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Nothing personal pmk, but I hate the generic “try therapy” advice. To me, seeing a therapist means one more doctor visit when you’re not sick!!, so it’s really, just an excuse to get out of the house. Therapy isn’t bad, per se, but I think it’s actually healthier to find other “excuses” to get out of the house. Try a visit to the library, try stopping by a friend’s house on impulse, get a new puppy (and meet new people at the dog park) for goodness sake. </p>
<p>I don’t think you’re over-the-top, need-to-see-a therapist depressed. This is a natural event and you’re still in transition. Okay, I’m obviously NOT a doctor as noted by my earlier comment, but faux, it’s okay to feel sad and lonely. It’s normal and you’re still adjusting. Give it time. You’re doing everything right. Kids are where they need to be. That leaves you feeling empty, but this is natural.</p>
<p>We have different opinions on when therapy is appropriate. I have a therapist that I see for “tune-ups.” I get stuck. Really stuck. And with that comes the sorrow. I can try to wrestle that to the ground myself which takes a long time…or I can get myself to therapy and move the process along much faster.</p>
<p>As it so happens, I am mentally ill; depression for 20+ years and anxiety for 10+ years. My empty-nest stuff is not mental illness; it’s normal and the new normal will feel just fine eventually. But in the meantime, I find it tremendously helpful to go for a few weeks of therapy at a time like this in my life. </p>
<p>You don’t have to be sick to see a therapist, in my opinion.</p>
<p>An out of work teacher who enjoys small children should check around the area preschools. Preschools are always looking for lead teachers with an education degree.
Our nest has been empty since '08. I don’t have a teaching degree(mine is nursing) so took a p/t job as a preschool asst. teacher. The hours are great…8:30-2:00 daily. We run on the same schedule as the public sch. system so we have the long Thanksgiving ,Christmas and Spring Breaks off plus the whole summer. I really enjoy it. It fills my days but still gives me free time for other activities.
Most of the half-day preschools in our area are housed in church facilities.</p>
<p>limabeans: I think you have an inaccurate idea about what therapy–especially CBT, which shawbridge mentioned–is about. I would suggest a quick google search for “positive psychology” and see what turns up. Competitive athletes, for example, use CBT to improve their performance. They are not sick, just not as well as they could be.</p>
<p>Thanks Amesie. I know a lot about Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and I know it has a lot of value for many. I know it’s about teaching yourself to say and feel what’s good for you and refrain all the negativity (like saying “the agony…”). It’s just that I don’t think it’s always necessary to “resort” to finding a therapist when you go through a transition like this. It’s a natural process in life.</p>
<p>You will find that your free time will not be yours for long. After years of backing out of family get togethers because of my son’s busy extracurricular schedule, I now find the month of October no longer full of swim meets, but family birthday parties, get togethers. I had a couple of weeks of empty nest, but I filled them with taking long drives beyond the areas I was in for errands, work, et cetera. No longer having to be at the swim meet, parent teacher conference, and every other thing that seemed to come up, restricted my time for exploring my surrounding area. It is also nice to find little getaways which are just a drive away, no need for expensive plane tickets, hotel stays.
I have often found myself in wooded areas, water areas, and coming upon some fascinating birds, ie, bald eagles, hawks, herons. You will be surprised to find beautiful surroundings that are within a few hours drive, even if you live in the city or suburbs. You just have to open your eyes to find them! Just go to Google and type in Weekend Getaways from, blah, blah, or peruse your local Triple A magazine!</p>
<p>I think the critical part of my advice is reconstructing community, meaning and structure. CBT is helpful in enabling someone who is blocked from doing this by ideas they hold and is remarkably effective when people are depressed. I’m not a psychiatrist or psychologist and don’t know fauxmaven, but I am a keen observer of humanity and do concur with my sage friend that when someone loses 2 of the 3 of the holy trinity of happiness, depression is likely and when they lose all 3, depression is quite likely. Rebuilding these is the key and CBT may help people more rapidly do that rebuilding.</p>
<p>Believe me,the therapy end is covered on my end .Dad is retired psychologist,therapy has been in my life on and off ,I attended Lifespring and Est in Marin County where I grew up and am very good at sharing my feelings .I have had several bouts of depression that lasted awhile ,and had good therapy when I needed it! Definitely adding new activities to my day ,taking up more social offers that pop up in the mail …</p>
<p>I have been an empty nester for three years. My second graduates college in June. I aso work full-time and have a very engrossing hobby. I have friends.</p>
<p>Still, I have to stay I still have a lot of sadness about my empty nest. I wouldn’t call it depression.</p>
<p>Happiest times of the week are those I communicate with my kids.</p>
<p>I have just accepted that this will always be so for me. I know it isn’t for everyone.</p>
<p>I am not depressed and really enjoy an active life filled with responsibilities and leisure activities. </p>
<p>Nothing before the arrival of my kids gave me as much a joy as my relationship with them and nothing has since.</p>
<p>C’est la vie. I don’t have a 24 inch waist anymore either, but I do still have some cute clothes.</p>
<p>Life has stages. Some are our favorites. I have come to think that’s alright.</p>
<p>^My after work activity replaces visits to therapist. If you enjoy doing something for many hours, you will be looking forward every day to do it, it takes your mind of everything else that seems to be missing in your life. Nobody can have everything or be at many places at same time. Being content with your current activity makes one being at peace with who they are at any stage of thier life. I guess, feeling that you belong somewhere with certain group and feel connected either thru job, hobby, exercise, even walking the dog should make you happy with your life in general.</p>
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<p>Gosh, mythmom, if I wasn’t sitting at work right now, I’d be sobbing over that statement. It’s so true and so sad. My mom used to say that she missed my sister and I as babies. I was always sort of insulted by that but I understand now…BabyMissyPie and MissySister were probably adorable and sweet and there’s no going back to that.</p>
<p>I guess we just have to make sure that we still try to live healthy lives in the present. Your statement explains why some folks are stuck in high school - maybe haven’t changed their hair style since 1983…high school was their favorite stage. Or why others cheat on their partners…to try to regain that “new love” stage of life.</p>
<p>I couldn’t resist clicking on this thread, even though I am some years away from an empty nest (S2 just turned 12). I dread the prospect of an empty nest, even though I have a satisfying full-time job. Of course, by the time S2 goes to college, I will be at about retirement age (he was a very late-in-life surprise). So I may be dealing with a double whammy. I probably shouldn’t have chimed in with this negativity. Anyone know of someone who does CBT in Westchester County, NY?</p>
<p>babyontheway, it sounds as if you are expecting a late-in-life child, as well? If so, my very best congratulations.</p>