Am I a bad parent? Son not welcome at home this summer

Parents Forum
61

<p>Only in New York would a 21-year-old be still getting child support - only if still in college. And personally I think that is absurd.</p>

<p>We (meaning me and my older son) get along much better when he doesn’t come home for very long breaks. He wants to do what he wants, and it is better when only he has to face the ramifications for his choices.</p>

<p>AND he has to work hard to pay room and board in order to NOT come home.</p>

<p>He has learned a lot and grown up a lot that way.</p>

<p>There is certainly nothing wrong with requiring him to act like the adult he wants to be.</p>

62

<p>Hmmm interesting thread. First of all…where does this kiddo get his spending money for college if he doesn’t work in the summers (except for VERY part time) and doesn’t work during school. </p>

<p>Perhaps he needs to be told WHY he needs to work…in other words…tell him what he will be responsible for paying…we had our kids pay books, and ALL discretionary spending including clothing. Both worked during the summer AND about 10 hours a week during school. Otherwise they wouldn’t have had a dime of spending money.</p>

<p>When our kids were home for the summer, they were responsible for cooking a meal once a week…including buying the ingredients…and also for doing all of their own personal chores (think laundry and cleaning). AND they were NOT allowed to use our cars unless they left them with a full tank of gas. They HAD to work to meet that criteria. We didn’t GIVE them any money.</p>

<p>My kids know they are always welcome here. But they have shown us a level of responsibility. </p>

<p>I will say…the winter during 8th grade, I DID tell my son he could NOT stay home all summer. I told him he needed to find SOMETHING to do…anything. We would pay…but he couldn’t stay home because the previous summer, he lazed around. He found a fabulous summer program that he went to for three years (and little sis went there too for three years). </p>

<p>Maybe the OP HAS told the son that he needs to work to meet some expenses. I didn’t read all four pages of this thread. BUT if he doesn’t NEED to work…why bother?</p>

63

<p>I haven’t read through the entire thread, but based on post #29, it sounds like you have more problems than just a kid who doesn’t want to work a job. Certainly something else is going on here if all his friends willing work jobs and yet he won’t even clean up after himself after dinner. Elementary school age kids are capable of doing that!</p>

64

<p>I think the boy needs an attitude adjustment. Better his mother is doing it than leaving it to his significant other to do it someday.</p>

<p>Who gets turned down for study abroad? You are giving someone money, and they are turning you down?! Way to go, son.</p>

65

<p>If you’re a bad parent, then count me in, too!</p>

<p>But…no… you’re not a bad parent. You have reasonable expectations. Your son is taking advantage of you. Don’t let him. It’s tough love time.</p>

66

<p>I was wondering about that too, oldfort. Maybe his grades were not good enough? I think most, if not all, study abroad programs have GPA requirements and some require letters of recommendation from professors. And, then of course, with some programs there is a personal statement in which a student must write about why they want to study abroad and how the particular program will help them in their academic major, career path, development of foreign language skills, etc.</p>

67

<p>Sass - This is so interesting. Please make sure you let us know what happened. Thanks.</p>

68

<p>The only thing I have to say is think carefully before you tell him that he couldn’t come home without a job, make sure you could carry out the threat. It’s a game of chicken. If you blink then you would lose all credibility. Don’t threaten if you couldn’t carry it out.</p>

69

<p>I expect my children to find a place to live and money to support themselves during the summer. For two years my son has worked part time jobs, shared a sublet apartment, picked up spare work where he could. He doesn’t apply for internships when he should, and then scrambles to find something for the summer each year. That said, he is really becoming more responsible because of it. Last year he didn’t have enough to pay the last month of his summer rent, so he ended up using the credit card his bank had pushed on him (which had been unused for two years) and then repaying it a month later out of his fall financial aid. </p>

<p>I think of “can you support yourself there over the summer” as an important factor for the children to consider when choosing between aid packages, because of this. It’s a lot easier to afford shared rent in Portland than in NYC, for example.</p>

<p>PS: As for the bad parent question, well, you may still be – I know I am. <em>grin</em></p>

70

<p>I wonder what the college application process was like for him.</p>

71

<p>

</p>

<p>I totally agree with this. At this point I think it will be too frustrating for Sassafrass to try to change her son’s behavior and he is almost an adult anyway. He is allowed to act the way he wants to act. Since his behavior is at times unacceptable it will be easier on everyone if he does it in his own living space.</p>

72

<p>My D, with my encouragement, applied for two summer jobs in February; she was offered one, did not hear from another one, and was offered another job for which she did not even apply. So that’s two job offers and two applications. I believe that a teenager who wants a job can find one this summer. Granted, it might not be glamorous, but -.</p>

73

<p>Since it sounds like you are giving him spending money for the summer and school year – I would try this. He is welcome to live at home. You will not give him summer spending money, he is responsible for this. At the end of the summer, you will match the money he has saved. This match is all that you will give him for spending money for the school year. Be firm, not mean. If he chooses not to work, fine. Do not open your wallet. It’s his choice. </p>

<p>Also, I would tell him that this is the last year you will give him any spending money. In the future, this will be his responsibility. It sounds like he is like most of us --wants the privileges of age but none of the responsibilities.</p>

74

<p>this is an interesting thread…I have to respect your perspective, and the issue you’ve had in previous summers with your son. I have a different take on this…I enjoy having my kids return home, as they will not do it much longer…I enjoy sharing the time etc. I also see each year they mature a bit more, and take on more responsibility…last summer neither my rising freshman or sophomore had a full time job, due to the lack of jobs, but they did take on things around the house, they also slept in, relaxed, had fun etc. I didn’t find this distressing as they have worked very hard in college, and in obtaining scholarships, so my focus was on accepting the summer as a down period…we all make choices that make sense for our families, I just would be concerned telling my kid he isn’t welcome to live home w/o a job. my relationship w my kid would be as important to me as his/her becoming responsible/working.</p>

75

<p>It sounds like your S might have underlying problems that are causing his behavior, esp. the procrastination and resistance. Laziness, lack of motivation, even unrealistic ideas of entitlement can stem from fear-- fear of failure, fear of succeeding (and increasing expectations), or even just plain, old immaturity. </p>

<p>This isn’t to excuse his behavior. I truly sympathize as I’ve been in your shoes and honestly, could not wait until my S moved out. I adore my S but I figured it would be much better for our relationship if I didn’t know exactly what he didn’t do every day. It wasn’t until he had to deal with the consequences of his own inactions that he got it together.</p>

<p>Basically, nothing will change for your S until he has real life consequences for his behavior. I don’t think you will motivate him by continually prodding him to look for a summer job in December. I know, I know, early bird and all that, but that is simply not his time frame. And his time frame won’t change until it has to. (My S finally learned this year, at 25, the wisdom of planning ahead and paying quarterly estimated taxes, even though I’d been telling him all year. He just got his tax bill. He won’t make that mistake next year.)</p>

<p>So I suggest that you think through all the details if you do decide to tell him to live elsewhere until he changes his ways. You have to stand firm or it will be worse than if you did nothing.</p>

<p>Also, I suggest backing off with the constant reminders. Say it one more time if you have to (“These are our expectations…”), then stop! If you want to give him a deadline, give him one but do not keep reminding him of it. </p>

<p>I have a feeling things will get worse before they get better. He may try to “get back” at you and act out to make you sorry. You might both be better off if he were to stay in his college town rather than return to his hometown. </p>

<p>Would you consider having him go to a therapist/behavioral coach? That would be a gesture of support. I doubt he likes being the way he is but doesn’t know how to get out of the rut.</p>

<p>Finally, even though you are feeling at the end of your rope, try to find a way to do all this out of love–out of the loving realization that he needs to grow up and become a man, and in order to do this he needs to leave the nest. Make sure to tell him he is welcome back at home when he is willing to live up to his responsibilities. Don’t let him feel abandoned, even if he <em>deserves</em> it. Maybe he will hear you.</p>

76

<p>Thank you all for your thoughtful, insightful responses. Mousegray, you are probably right about there being underlying issues related to his refusal to actively seek summer employment. I need to think some more before I decide how to handle this issue.</p>

<p>This son’s GPA is under 3.0 which probably played a role in him not being selected for the international internship or study abroad program. He had some money saved for college from birthday and graduation gifts and that is what he has used for incidental expenses so far. I have paid for college, books, travel etc. Also because he has been provided with a not-fancy car and cell phone and his car insurance is paid for, his expenses have been minimal. (He hasn’t even had to pay for his own gas.)</p>

<p>I will report back on what I do and how it turns out.</p>

77

<p>I was exactly like you son when I was his age and my parents were not very firm with me. I “intended” to get a summer job. Now I know it was fear of rejection and failure which led me not to go through with it. It’s something I’ve struggled with all my life.</p>

78

<p>To all the posters who maintain that jobs are there if the kids only look: that really depends on the region in which you live. I live in Michigan. Last Sunday there were exactly 3 help wanted ads in our paper: 2 for professional health care providers and one for a factory supervisor. Stores and restaurants are not even taking applications any more. For months there were none. I think our unemployment is somewhere around 15%;“underemployment” is in the 25% range. </p>

<p>I do not say this to excuse laziness. There are plenty of ways that a college student can be productive. But we cannot assume that our circumstances can be broadly projected to others.</p>

79

<p>wow, don’t have time to read entire thread but I didn’t know there were clones of my son out there. I’m actually MORE concerned about next may when he graduates. he thinks the world is waiting to hand him a silver spoon. I will be telling him to enlist in the military if he doesn’t have a job lined up after graduation because I don’t need his attitude living with me.</p>

<p>he is living this summer in NYC (where he goes to school). Me (the evil mother) is paying for him to sublet my brother’s studio apt from May 10-may 11 (It’s about the same as an NYU dorm, esp if you consider it’s for a full year). He works at the school gym for $8 an hour. He’s a politics/history double major (according to him, I can’t figure out if he’s telling the truth) and he has NEVER had a job, volunteer position or anything of substance going on related to his major(s). </p>

<p>he does plan on taking the test for foreign service officer and I am praying he gets it, but I know it’s a longshot. And this is a kid with a genius level IQ but a narcissistic attitude.</p>

80

<p>His GPA is under 3.0. What amount of work is he doing at school? Did you also make him fill out the college applications, or was that his own choice?</p>