<p>Am I missing something? In the first place it is my impression that Honesto mentioned a hypothetical situation (referencing himself) that is in no way close to what I have been considering.</p>
<p>In the second place it is/was my intention that this son graduate from college without any debt. I have paid tuition, room, board, and travel to and from school. I told him it was his responsibility to pay for personal expenses. To do so, I figured he could find a summer job. In past years he hemmed and hawed about looking for summer work so he finally just worked a very temporary, short-term job, and laid around most of the summer, resulting in an incredibly miserable summer for everyone else in the family last summer. S’s money cushion (that he used to help pay for personal expenses freshman and sophomore year) is gone, and he still has shown little initiative to find a summer job.</p>
<p>Honesto, I have not kicked him “out of the house and ended any and all financial contributions, thereby setting (him) up for failure.” He doesn’t think finding a summer job is terribly necessary or important or urgent. I am trying to help him see the connection between WORKING and HAVING THE THINGS YOU WANT. I told him he could not live at the house again this summer without a full-time job or volunteer position. He has done nothing to attain something in his hometown, and very little to find something elsewhere. If he ends up living in his college town and volunteering there, he will need to take out a loan to pay rent there and figure out how he will pay personal expenses at college in the future. (I will continue to pay tuition, room and board, and travel to and from school, but I think I will stop paying for his cell phone in the future.) Also, I have considered not paying for him to go to school for at least fall semester if he does not arrange something for him to do this summer, so he has more time to find a job and get acquainted with the world of work. </p>
<p>I work hard to provide for him. This is not the first summer this has been an issue and last summer was pure h3ll for the rest of the family with him laying around at home while everyone else was working. He is 20 years old. It is time he puts himself out to contribute at least minimally to covering his own expenses or to giving back to his community.</p>
<p>I take a broader view to this situation. As parents we won’t be around forever to take care of our kids. It’s doing them a favor by expecting them to be able to take care of themselves. That’s how I was raised, that’s the attitude I’m planning to take with my own kids. I’ll be there in the case of unusual circumstances if they need help temporarily, but for the most part they need to be self sufficient. Both my parents are gone now and so I really understand what it means to not have them to turn to.</p>
<p>In my opinion my in laws don’t do enough along the lines of letting their kids sink or swim by their own actions. (They also didn’t do as well by their kids educations as they could have, again in my opinion.) Consequently they now have two adult children, (not my husband), who don’t stand on their own two feet. Neither my mother in law or father in law will be around much longer and I doubt their two dependent adult children will suddenly be able to function independently when they are gone.</p>
<p>Sounds like a lot of the problem revolves around the kid’s attitude–if he were already helpful at home, I don’t think his mom would take this stand. I think its a good idea to make him figure out what he’s going to do without total family support over the summer, rather than making him pull out of college.</p>
<p>If I’m getting up for work early every morning, while my freeloading kid is snoozing, heads will be rolling. They don’t get a free pass for a three month vacation while I’m working to feed their already adult rear ends. </p>
<p>Any way to get him on his own two feet sounds totally reasonable, but I was raised by people who put me out the day after my 16th birthday, so coddling doesn’t come naturally to me…</p>
<p>Sassafrass, keep in mind he’ll remember this when he picks out your nursing home. I could see you taking this attitude after he graduates, but while he is in school let him enjoy summer vacation the way his professors do.</p>
<p>My opinion on that that people who work, are also doing housewive’s jobs. they do not mention that, so to be fair, nobody is considering it as paying job, because EVERYBODY is doing it men and women, no matter if they work outside of home or not.</p>
<p>Eits, My husband is a professor. Neither he or his colleagues take a summer off. He teaches summer courses and tries to stay current in his field. Sorry, my son is “enjoying” tuition, room and board. He is not owed a summer vacation just because he is in college. If my son wants to come home for the summer (which he doesn’t so no worries. He is much happier in the mountains), he needs to make arrangements.</p>
<p>Sassafrass, You have my sympathy and I applaud what you are trying to do for your son. Please keep in mind that he’s gotten away with this behavior in the past, so although it’s reasonable to increase your expectations, don’t make the mistake of over-correcting. Your frustration is understandable, but you may get better results if you tone your expectations down just a bit. First, I do not think your son should come home this summer if he causes discord, especially with the younger child. Not fair. A compromise would be to pay his rent this summer, period (no food or other expenses). He will need to find some way to feed himself and with zero $ for living expenses, he’ll get the message that it’s ditto for this fall. I think that will motivate him to earn at least some money. Best of all, you won’t be further antagonized by having to watch him figure it out (or be tempted to help). Just a thought. Good luck. You ARE a good parent.</p>
<p>GTAlum, from your post alone I’m pretty sure I understand why your son isn’t interested in coming home. Hanna, my point wasn’t that her son was in the right being rude, only that he’d remember being forced to get a summer job to come home when the time comes to pick out her nursing home.</p>
<p>eits25, you’re probably right that S will remember that I “forced” him to get a summer job at age 20 but forget that I worked hard to pay four years of college tuition, room, and board for him and the millions of other things I did for him while he was growing up. Which is why I plan to pick out and pay for my own nursing home.</p>
<p>I like how you put ‘forced’ in quotes even though you made a thread asking if you are a bad parent for pretty much not letting him come home unless he gets a job. I don’t think you’re a bad parent, but when you say stuff like:</p>
<p>“I am starting to think that if he does not get a summer job, he should stop school until he has taken and worked at a job for a year”</p>
<p>sassafrass- I do think that if your son ever gets married and has children (which is a pretty big “if” considering his present self-centered attitude) he will most likely appreciate what you have given him, including your efforts to help him grow up and become more responsible.
Sometimes people have to live in their parents shoes before they see the sacrifices that have been made on their behalf. It may not be until he’s 40, but my bet is that it will happen.</p>
<p>But you may not be alive to see it. lol</p>
<p>Yep, mommusic- I agree, and wonder how this has happened. I’m amazed at the support from the younger crowd here.</p>
<p>There is an upside to working. It helps a person feel productive, they earn their own money, it gives a structure to their day. I wouldn’t even find it enjoyable to spend a summer lying around.</p>
<p>My older daughter lost interest in playing piano when she was in 10th grade. I insisted on her continuing with her lessons with very little pressure on practicing. There were few arguments about it from time to time. Last week D1(a junior in college) said to me, “I wanted to quite piano, but I am glad you made me stick to it. I think I would make my kids take up an instrument someday too.”</p>
<p>Who knows, maybe someday she won’t hate me for making her goo to bed early, do her homework, no drinking in high school…</p>
<p>It’s always easy to say yes to our kids, it’s much harder to get them to do the right thing. I wouldn’t spend similar energy on someone else’s kids. OP - your son will thank-you someday.</p>
<p>eits25, the issue is why I should have to “force” him to get a summer job. I have been working hard to provide him with everything he needs and lots of what he wants for almost 21 years. He did not have a job during high school nor during the first two years of college.</p>
<p>I already pay for his college tuition, room and board, books, transportation, health and car insurance, and other expenses, with my own retirement looming (hopefully) in 10 years or so. If my S is not working and contributing anything financially to pay his personal expenses, isn’t he “forcing” me to do it?</p>
<p>“GTAlum, from your post alone I’m pretty sure I understand why your son isn’t interested in coming home.”</p>
<p>Wow. Sorry if I said something that made you retort with an insult. But OK. It is my job to raise my kids to leave home at some point. Really, it’s OK if you want your kids home with the summer off. It’s just not my parenting style.</p>