<p>Am I crazy to be mad about a thread I posted on the grad forum asking a question to other students what their opinions are & why they wanted to go to grad school to be a professor? A little background: The profs at my sons undergrad school are really pushing him to go to grad school yet at the same time are having problems with tenure etc. My son suggested that he would like to take a year off before applying & the profs are mortified. So I went on the grad forum asking a question. Let me state again I am not researching something for my son & he did NOT ask me to post a question for him. I just wanted other peoples thoughts on what they are thinking, etc. </p>
<p>I was told by a person claiming that he teaches at college & has his PhD that my son is being coddled & will not be able to go to grad school because I am researching something for him. Other people are now saying that this parents forum (because it is so large) is a testament to what is wrong with todays kids. It went from a completely innocent question to something completely different. I AM furious. Obviously, it will do no good to post anything else & I haven’t posted since it became so “heated”.</p>
<p>I am sorry for ever making that thread & I asked for it to be removed but no such luck.</p>
<p>When I get a really over-the-top reaction to something, I realize it’s more about that person than myself. People bring their own stuff to the threads and can’t tell our intentions when posting, so I tend to just ignore an inflammatory response. You see a curious mom asking an innocent question just to gather different opinions; they see a controlling, domineering mom who won’t cut the apron strings. You know the truth.</p>
<p>Also, people seem to misunderstand the parents forum, I think.</p>
<p>What, are you trying to start an inter-forum fight? ;)</p>
<p>You posted. Some people on the Internet did not like your post. It happens. I wouldn’t take it to heart.</p>
<p>It sounds like what you did was reasonable enough and the one person was confused about what you were doing, but his response apparently hit a nerve with other posters, who took it from there.</p>
<p>For myself, I really appreciate your thread on this topic on the parent’s forum. I found it extremely interesting and lots of good info that I would feel good about being able to pass on to any student considering entering into a PhD program. I don’t see how you satisfying your own curiousity translates into coddling your son. It just shows you have an inquisitive mind.</p>
<p>It’s okay. Ignore it. Don’t worry about it! </p>
<p>If I ask a question it might be out of curiosity (I’ve been known to ask things about musical theater and believe me, that is neither of my kids) or it might be about how I should advise one of my kids. Even if I misspeak and say, “What should I tell him to do?” it goes without saying that my DS may or may not take my advice. </p>
<p>We have control over what we say, and we are all trying to do a good job as advisers - as good parents, we want to give the best possible advice and point out to our sons and daughters all of the pros and cons we can come up with on our own or with our friends and advisers, be it on-line or over coffee.</p>
<p>This question is about the appropriate role for parents as our children become older. </p>
<p>Overly involved parents drive faculty and administrators nuts. But given the high stakes game and the financial burden carried by parents, they’ll just have to get over it. A healthy balance needs to be struck, one that allows increasing growth for the student, and assurances for the parents who are footing the bill.</p>
<p>Unspoken in the question is who is paying for the year between and paying for Grad school.</p>
<p>Sorry, mom2ofOH, you seem to have fallen victim to the unofficial “Helicopter Parents Patrol.” From my viewpoint, more information is always better. Asking questions is absolutely fine! Even university faculty members don’t necessarily have a good view of the prospects and set of expectations for new faculty in other fields. Also, the view of interruptions between undergraduate work and grad work differs from field to field. In some fields it’s expected, in other fields it’s neutral, and in some (I think) it’s viewed as slightly detrimental. Grad school requires a substantial time commitment, so of course you want to know about it!</p>
<p>If I am not mistaken, Richard Feynman’s father asked a professor of Feynman’s at MIT whether his son had a future in physics. Feynman became a professor at Caltech, Nobelist, and cultural icon in physics–one of his biographers titled the work “Genius.” I think that Karl Friedrich Gauss’s father asked a similar question considerably earlier. (Answer: “the best mathematician in all Europe.”) </p>
<p>A direct question to a professor actually seems intrusive to me. But your posting a question in the grad forum? Totally fine.</p>
<p>I’ve encountered some name-calling in the student sections of the forum. With a few exceptions, I stay over here.</p>
<p>Okay guys, sorry that I posted this. I do NOT want anyone going over to that thread and starting problems. I think it is time to ban myself from collegeconfidential. So thanks for all the advice & I wish you all well.</p>
<p>mom2ofOH: you don’t need to leave CC, really. Just stick to the Parent Cafe and the Parent Forum. If heated discussions aren’t your cup of tea, you probably don’t want to wander into the Elections area of the cafe, either. </p>
<p>The anonymity of the internet seems to bring out the worst in many people. A student who thinks his parents are too involved in his life will direct his anger–not at them!–at another parent who annoys him… Why not? It’s an anonymous forum. The key is to remember that anyone who’s that angry isn’t angry at YOU.</p>
<p>dmd77 is absolutely right! Hang out here with us. You’ll find lots of friends here and thoughtful advice from folks who have been there and done that. I have learned a lot from some very patient people.</p>
<p>I don’t think you should feel bad for asking the question. It is a good question to ask imho. Did you read the Chronicle article someone gave a link to on the Parent’s Forum? Benton approves grad school for various circumstances including: “You come from that small class of well-connected people in academe who will be able to find a place for you somewhere”. Some students looking at grad school have academic parents and don’t need to ask these sorts of questions because they have grown up hearing the answers. Others are fortunate enough to have undergrad professors, tenured full professors at the top of their field, who are able and willing to successfully mentor them through the process. And I, for one, have been wondering---- What has your family decided about the MA degree?</p>
<p>Sometimes the most innocuous threads and questions strike a nerve and attract a lot of attention. I don’t think it’s any issue that you are interested in what the incentive is to go to graduate school. It’s a perfectly valid question. </p>
<p>Clearly, your son shows promise in his field since his professors think he should continue his studies. There are a number of reasons why a break in studies is not encouraged. A major factor is the loss of momentum. That is something that can drastically reduce the quality of someone’s work and interest.</p>
<p>mom2ofOH-
When I first started posting, I was shocked at the animosity some of my innocuous questions generated. My advice, stay in the Parents’ Forums. For heavens’ sake, we’re all just trying to get and share some information.</p>
<p>I very rarely venture out of the parents forum. I have been known to direct people here from another national forum when posters ask about the College Search process. A few times when I’ve done that, people have said that this site (CC in general) is full of students that slam each other and I just recommend that they go to THIS Parents forum and take everything with a grain of salt.</p>
<p>The world is a confusing place and is very different from the one we grew up in. My parents, for example, were appalled at how often my sister changed companies and feared for her career. In their world, you pretty much joined a company after graduation, worked your way up the ranks, and retired from the same company. Maybe you changed once. Obviously, that is not what happens in today’s world of corporate take-overs, outsourcing, and hiring from without. Similarly, I may have perceptions about the business climate that are outdated too. It’s wise and helpful to ask questions–if only so you can relax about the wisdom of your child’s choices.</p>
<p>OP- don’t stress it and try not to take it personally. Every one answers on this board from their experience level. The guy who was coming down on you seems to interact with many coddled students and there are overly coddled students out there- parents talking to their university profs about grade issues???!!!</p>
<p>But you asking questions does not mean you are one of those people. If you did not grow up learning this info, how are you supposed to be offering normal family support? A friend of mine has a DH who works as a very high up guy in a very well known company. A client asked him for help with an internship for his son, the guy got the kid an internship and also asked for the return favour and his DD got a great internship, internationally, for the client’s company. I cannot offer that aid to my kids, but I can offer the knowledge I do have. Why wouldn’t I take the time to learn and support my kids?</p>
<p>Just try not to take it personally. If some one is really attacking you, I have read that you can filter our posts by certain people ;)</p>
<p>OP, You’re not the only parent who has gotten flamed on the grad school forum just for asking a question. There are some very insecure, snarky posters on that forum [ as well as some very helpful ones]</p>
<p>That guy was just using your question to persue his own pet peeves, it seems to me. I am a parent here and I post on the grad boards and have never got someone as hostile. And he is a new-ish poster too. So don’t take it as representative.</p>
<p>I do also try to be informed as to advising my own grown up 21 year old about what to do. That’s the greatness of this site, but it hasn’t quite translated to the grad site. She will do what she wants, but we have likely discussed it from an informed standpoint.</p>
<p>My kid goes to school across the country from me, she has to deal with everything herself. I don’t have money to give her for grad school like you do. So good for you.</p>
<p>My daughter is a Senior in college, so she has her professors to talk to. But she does bounce things off me and I spend a lot of time being aware and smart about her choices. I am interested, and I have the time to do it.</p>
<p>I am at least proud that I found her study abroad scholarship. She always makes herself overloaded and too busy.</p>
<p>Ignore that stupid guy. He is generalizing, and doesn’t know your son’s area anyway.</p>
<p>So here is one person who has had a kid that lets me get involved, who is aggressive about her research, does not listen to mom about overscheduling, does bounce important essays by me (and Grandma who has a MFA in writing!) but does write them herself and evaluate our feedback herself.</p>
<p>And she is in an area we can’t help with (Math/CS), but she has got into a top CS program for a PdD. Despite being coddled by her involved single mother it seems.</p>
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