Am I Indulging My Kid?

Parent Cafe
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<p>We fund everything except vacation with friends. I am also not a big fan of Spring break “girls gone wild” vacation. I kind of see a laptop as a necessity for school, but I think we probably will get our daughter a new one for her birthday instead just giving it to her.</p>

<p>It sounds like your son eats a lot, as a boy should, but I would stay away from pizza and fast food. Our daughter’s biggest expense right now is still her clothing. I can’t help myself in picking up something for her in a store if it’s cute. Both of my girls still let me buy clothes for them. They always tell me that I have such a good taste, but I think they know it’s a good way to get me to buy clothes for them. It is as much of an indulgence for me as it is for them. I hope to get a few girl grandchildren someday.</p>

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<p>DS is driving to Canada to ski with friends over January break. He’s paying for it himself. He didn’t ask us to fund it, and if he did I’d have said “Is that what you want for Christmas?” His laptop is 3 years old, and I told him we’d buy him a new one for his birthday, which is the end of next semester. I’m hoping the old laptop lasts till then; if not he’ll be getting an early birthday present. But the laptop will be pretty much all he gets for his birthday.</p>

<p>Only you know what your budget is; however to give your son a does of reality I’d give him a monthly/yearly allowance, then tell him if he wants something he needs to budget it out of his allowance. </p>

<p>$300/month sounds like a lot to me. If my kid was getting $300/month, and wanted money to travel, I’d tell him to budget it out of his $300/mo.</p>

<p>I pay for tuition, room, meal plan, books, and car insurance. Any extras (including EC’s) are up to him. We don’t give him any allowance.</p>

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<p>As the wise posters have already shared with you, it really is a family decision as to when you are crossing the line into indulgence territory. As far as I am concerned, once a plan as been discussed and agreed upon as to how expenses and needs are to be met, anything above and beyond that is an indulgence unless it is truly a necessary emergency expense that could not be foreseen. I did not hesitate a moment to throw extra money into a medical emergency, for example, but a spring trip would not be my idea of falling into that category. When my car was borrowed for moving and it died on the roadside, I dug out my visa card to keep the momentum moving for them as a necessary expense. I also helped out when son lost wallet and money, though I let him know I expected a payback plan. If S’s computer blows up, I would help him out, as I know that it is important in the way he operates for school and work. If a neater, cooler better computer comes on the market that he wants, that is an indulgence.
Things that fall into a gray area are terrific opportunities that arise that need seed money. Needing money to travel for an interview, opportunity or audition could fall into this category. An important seminar, a needed class that could free up the schedule if take in the summer, again are in the gray areas, where I would cough up the money unless the family is strapped for things that are more important. My son had an opportunity to go abroad for a term, and though we would have paid for it, we did let him know that it was an indulgence, given the extra cost, and asked him to weigh it carefully. He decided after research and thought that it was not worth the money and would not be a big plus on his resume. Maybe a different program would have had a different assessment. S is looking at the most wonderful sounding summer course that I have ever seen. But it is $2000+ in expenses. Though I love the idea, I have told him that he needs to think it over as it is an indulgence. Even though it is something I want to give him it is not something that is needed. If he can come up with a good reason for it, which I don’t think he will, it could become a worthwhile use of assets, but otherwise, we need to work out some arrangement for him to pay some of it. We just can’t pay for indulgences with little return at this point in our lives, as much as we would like to do so.</p>

<p>As a mom, I would love to give my kids everything they want. A month in China in the summer, an Odyssey trip, the latest computers, a bigger allowance, a car. Oh, how I wish I could do it. But if we did, we would lose the flexibility to be able to step in when a true catastrophe, need or opportunity arose. So, it 's not that I blame any parent for giving their kids indulgences. I do, in smaller dollar amounts, and cannot in the larger amounts due to financial constraints and family situation. I don’t know where I would draw the line if I had unlimited resources in this area. I have had the lines drawn for me so I have not had to make that decision.</p>

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<p>I think you would still draw the line even if you had unlimited resource.</p>

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<p>Spending additional money on food instead of the meal plan meals is a waste of money – and the amount can add up surprisingly quickly.</p>

<p>Spending additional money on food in addition to the meal plan meals may be necessary, but the amount should not be nearly as great as in the situation above. </p>

<p>Also, if the meal plan includes breakfast, a big eater would be wise to eat it. It’s already been paid for. </p>

<p>Strategic eating can help college kids save significant money, which could then go toward some of the things your son wants.</p>

<p>Also, in my opinion, $300 a month is quite a large allowance for a kid at a rural school (it might not be in NYC). My daughter is also at a rural school (the Ivy League’s other one) and gets less than half of that.</p>

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<p>In talking about this with my son (who is living at home this year thus no direct experience), he claims that the size of the meal plans is a common concern of his athlete buddies. If the meal plan is not all you can eat, he says that they are supplementing the meal plans daily - and are definitely spending more than they had budgeted/planned. </p>

<p>I would consider food as an essential item and not an indulgence - but would want to understand what is already covered and what is not. From what I can glean from this thread, it seems to me that the OP might want to put her son on a higher meal plan - and/or look for other ways to supplement the diet.</p>

<p>New laptop - might be an indulgence might not be - depends on why the old one is not sufficient. </p>

<p>Spring break trip - an indulgence in my book - but if the student has burned through his money paying for food (in a reasonable manner), I’d probably look for a compromise.</p>

<p>In general, I think budgets for oldest child, first semester at school are going to be best efforts on the part of both parents and students - and that they should be assumed to be in need of adjustment (both ways) at the semester / Christmas break.</p>

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<p>Oldfort, I think I would have paid for the abroad trips. It’s just that we are tighter than I like and it is expensive. My youngest came home with an opportunity to spend a week in DC with some program and his eyes were all shiny with the prospect, and his best friends are going to go. It is terribly, terribly expensive. And for a sixth grader! I would have paid in a heartbeat, Oldfort, but it would mean digging into some funds that may be sorely needed. We are really at a brink, and with our family situation the way it is, we really need more of a buffer, not less. So, truly, I am drawing lines out of financial necessity. </p>

<p>My youngest wants to try skiing. He has never skied. His older brother skies only because his best friend’s family has a second home in Vermont and he has been going regularly with him for years. S3 is paying for his own skiing at college, but he and the older boys did learn when we lived closer to ski country and were able to go on some ski trips cheaply. For us to go now, would mean expending more money than in the budget for this winter. The money just isn’t there. Every cent is accounted for, and everytime something happens that HAS to be addressed, we put off something else. We have a broken dishwasher, and have had one for 6 months. We have two toilets that are out of order, but since we have two that work, we have just closed off those bathrooms. Still have not replaced dining room curtains that got pulled down and wrecked. We are not scheduling any vacations this winter or next year. We are going to keep the old 150K mile car another year unless it really goes. We are not fixing the dent in the side of the house until 2010 at earliest. No theatre or other such entertainment unless tickets fall into our hands for free. No eating out except for pizza, burger fare, and then once every other week. No charitable contributions at the end of this year, though I had to break on that one for holiday donations at the little one’s school. Inexpensive Christmas gifts. Careful grocery shopping. Starbucks twice a month for me instead of twice a week. We visited MIL for Thanksgiving, and it was a such a struggle insisting that we spend $0 there. Make do with what we have. MIL was not at all helpful either. Everything she wanted to do cost money. Movies cost money, an extra trip to the grocery store costs money, checking out the outlets costs money, bookstores cost money, and eating out costs money. We had the turkey and leftover for the next two days. She actually broke down and spent her own money on us because I refused to budge. She gave us the turkey leftovers as she says she is now sick of the turkey, and I took it along with anything else from frig and larder that she did not want. </p>

<p>If I had unlimited resources, or even some more resources than we now have, I would have broken down and spent the money. I am a spendthrift at heart but not in bank account.</p>

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<p>At Dartmouth the meal plan does not “include” any meal. It’s simply a debit card really. DS used up the biggest plan before Thanksgiving. Did I mention he’s 6’4", 210 and runs 8 miles/day?</p>

<p>So, I hear most saying we’re giving too much. So I’d like some advice on handling specific matters. Do we say no to Spring break? We’re not talking Florida, he’s been invited by a classmate to visit his home in Asia and several kids are going. I think it would be a wonderful experience. </p>

<p>None of the things we give any of our kids is a hardship for our family but I’m not sure that matters.</p>

<p>Sybbie, would love to hear your daughter’s view on what she saw at Dartmouth. DS insists most all on his floor have the money to do the things he’s doing.</p>

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<p>I think that it’s very important to somehow help our kids understand the concept of money as something that does NOT grow on a tree in the backyard. How you do that is up to you … but you must figure out a way to do it, somehow. </p>

<p>We pay for D’s school and we help out with some expenses. She is going on a trip for Alternative Spring Break … not a fluff trip and pretty inexpensive, so we are paying for it. She really wanted to go to Africa for a very awesome school trip … but when they announced the price of $3500 (excluding airfare) at the meeting, she knew without thinking twice that she wouldn’t be going. She told me that she envied the girl next to her, who didn’t blink at the price … but at the same time, she felt that it was ridiculously expensive. We are not rich, not poor … and we have helped our kids understand that there are choices to be made in life. If we were well off, I would still like to think that we would try to find a way to help our kids understand the choices that must be made when it comes to money.</p>

<p>Personally, I can’t imagine spending $300 per month … D goes to school in an urban area and doesn’t spend anything remotely close to that! If she received an allowance of $300 per month, not only would all of her costs be covered, but she’d also be able to save. I think that this would be the place to begin helping him understand the consequences of spending what he doesn’t have … tell him that $300 is a reasonable allowance & anything he spends in excess of that amount HE must find a way to finance. He certainly won’t starve in the process!</p>

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<p>6’ 4" and 210 ---- and runs 8 miles a day … sounds like 6-7000 calories a day to me…</p>

<p>I am not so sure that $300 a month covers that level of food supplements - it sounds like most of my son’s friends - and my son. Unbelievable how much food it takes to keep them running - and what it costs…</p>

<p>I’d sit down for a food budget chat first… and then many of the other issues will unfold from there.</p>

<p>(BTW - to feed one of my friend’s sons during his senior year was over $500 a month - living at home - at least that is how much the food budget has decreased since he has left according to his mom…) He is a D1 level swimmer who was burning 8000 calories a day on his training schedule (and losing weight when he dropped below that).</p>

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<p>My son goes to the state school. You would think that things would be more down scale, but the number of cars in the student lots exceed the spaces available. I see kids ordering carry out/delivery all of the time. ALso some of those kids live in awfully nice off campus apartments, and the vacations, abroad programs, and extras fill up fast. I think our family is higher income than the average who has a kid there; heck, I know it. But we have five kids, fixed costs in an expensive house in an expensive area, emergencies from relatives, and unexpected expenses galore this year. I know from what I have seen that there are many kids who somehow have extra spending money. We just aren’t there. </p>

<p>If you are having qualms about your son’s expenses, go online and look at what some of the opportunities at his school are. Also look at the COA for your S’s school. That is the amount of money that financial aid covers. Considering about half the kids are on fin aid, that gives you some idea what the school expects would cover the costs. Of course, you need to make adjustments where your kid’s situation deviates from the average, say you live a longer distance that requires more for transportation, more food, given you have a big strapping boy, things that your S’s major or interests may require. My son who is performing arts spends more than the average kid for shows since that is his field of choice and even at student prices and with some freebies, he needs to cough up some money to go to shows that relate to his studies. Many times the dept will have coffee, meals around the show, and though, yes, it is an indulgence, it is one we feel we want to budget into the expenses. But, we do save on books, as he has few required. S2 is heavy on books with his required subjects. He wanted to buy a bunch of books that he originally borrowed from the library, as he wanted to mark them and keep them. We gladly sent him the money. He decided to play club rugby, and we sent him money for equipment though it was an indulgence. For skiing, he has to find the money out of his budget, and the same for joining a fraternity.</p>

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<p>I think this is really important and college is a great time to learn how to budget, to say no when you can’t afford things and defer gratification until you can afford them. As the commercial says, these lessons are “Priceless!” </p>

<p>In my D’s group of roommates, during senior year the group split between 2 plans for spring break. The ones who had worked for an investment bank during the summer went to Greece. The ones who couldn’t afford it flew to San Diego, stayed with one set of parents, drove a car up to SF and stayed with another set of parents, before flying back to school. </p>

<p>I would be leery of ponying up for every trip he wants to take.</p>

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<p>We pay for more than we should. My daughter was very reasonable and not a huge drain on the family bank. WildChild is a different story. Everything about him is expensive, including the city where he resides to go to college. Dental work, knee surgeries- it never ends. Yes, we indulge. However, iphone was his birthday present, ski lift tickets for January trip with friends are the Christmas present. He paid for his own summer trip and the ski trip (college friend’s parents have huge house in upscale resort- of course…). He works more hours a week than I would prefer at a good paid internship, which is money he uses for his social life. I don’t mind funding groceries, rent, books and clothes. Just 1 1/2 more years…</p>

<p>I do think he is starting to “get it” and has a respect for the current economic situation and how nervous we all are. I am seeing some maturity and better decision making.</p>

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<p>My goodness, an athletic kid that size is definitely going to ring up some food bills. I’ll bet you are saving at least $400 a month in food at home. In that case, the allowance is going for a necessity, so I’ll amend my stance. </p>

<p>On the trip to Asia - we paid for one son to do something similar, a trip to Thailand, with the idea that it was kind of a once-in-a-great-while treat. However, I would still have the traveler handle a lot of the arrangements and attached expenses himself. It would be a great motivator in getting a campus job, and/or arranging to earn money over Christmas break.</p>

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<p>My son now wishes he’d gotten a better laptop last year and wanted to know if we’d subsidize a better one. The deal we made was that I would buy his old laptop and he’d set it up for me over winter break. We pay for tuition, books, room and money in lieu of the food plan (less than the cheapest food plan), and trips home. He pays for anything else. Trips for spring break would be on his dime - though I agree if he were doing something like building Katrina cottages, I’d be open to sponsoring him. He’s lucky that he was very well paid last summer and won’t have to work this year, though I believe he is planning to TA in the spring.</p>

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<p>We’re like soozievt - we pay for most college-related expenses, but anything beyond that comes from D’s summer jobs. And she pays completely for any ‘just for fun’ trips. This past summer she did a study abroad program in Paris, for which we paid airfare and tuition, but the living expenses were on her. She had an apartment in a building owned by the program, shared with another girl, and did a lot of her own cooking once she realized how expensive it was to eat out.</p>

<p>As far as a computer, if hers died we would buy her a new one, since we consider that a school necessity. But she has only a simple cellphone (on our family plan). She could have upgraded recently, but didn’t want to spend her own money to do it. And if either she or S goes over the family plan minutes, they pay. That happened once, and now they’re both very careful!</p>

<p>D has a credit card, linked to H’s, which she uses only when strictly necessary. She has never abused the privilege, and has always paid us back when it was something we wouldn’t pay for otherwise. I already know that S won’t be as disciplined, so we may not do the credit card when he goes to college and just limit him to a debit card.</p>

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<p>PS: We give our kids all the money they need for the term at the beginning of each term, then they write the checks for school & personal expenses, so they do have ot learn to budget or they run out of money!</p>

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<p>Neither of my kids had a monthly allowance of any sort in college – my understanding with them was that basically I paid whatever was billed directly from the college; they were responsible for the rest. So, for example, they paid for text books, but if there was an extra lab fee for taking a class that was added to the tuition bill, I paid it. </p>

<p>They each attended colleges with mandatory meal plans first year only – so I paid for the meal plan the first year, they were on their own afterward. (They have had cooking facilities available - so its not like they had to eat out all the time). I do send off care packages from time to time – when they are cooking their own meals, the packages are filled with easy to prepare packaged meals, canned tuna, peanut butter, etc. </p>

<p>They worked during the school year & summers to earn extra money. I did pay for 2 round trip air fares home – they have paid for extra travel home or for travel elsewhere. </p>

<p>I have paid for cell phones & cell phone bills, but not for replacement of lost or drowned cell phones. The cell phone thing is for ME – its the only way I have of contacting the kids sometimes – I sent my son off to college without one and ended up buying him as a phone as his birthday gift because it was frustrating to go weeks on end without contact. My daughter simply stayed on the family plan we’d set up in high school. She’s a junior and needed a replacement laptop this year – she paid. </p>

<p>I also pay for all sorts of extras when I have visited them or they are home – restaurant meals, clothes shopping. I do this because its fun for me – these are gifts I want to give, not things I feel pressured into buying. </p>

<p>This is what worked for OUR FAMILY. I’m a single parent, my kids are on financial aid, and I think I like this approach mostly because it avoids us having to discuss finances most of the time. I haven’t been giving them cash, so I don’t have to ask how they spend it – and they don’t have to worry about their college bursar being paid. </p>

<p>I would like to note that my experience with east coast private colleges has been that, no matter what the stats say about the number of kids on financial aid, there are a LOT of very privileged kids who get a lot of money from home attending those schools. So my kids do feel different than their peers, and they have run into the problem of not being able to afford the same lifestyle many of their classmates take for granted - or at least having to plan more carefully. They actually have done plenty of traveling and spending, its just that they had to budget and/or work extra hours to get what they wanted. </p>

<p>But the point is – your Dartmouth son is probably telling you the truth about what other kids are getting from their parents. But I’ve never cared what the other families are doing … its all about what I can do.</p>

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<p>I agree with soozievt. In our opinion, going to college is our son’s “job.” He works very hard, and we don’t expect him to work at anything other than schoolwork during the semester. We pay for everything. He earned money over the summer for “extras,” but he really hasn’t had time for them. The only movie he’s been to was when he was home on break. He doesn’t have a car. His ipod died during the semester and we bought the new one. Because he’s a music major, it’s an essential tool. He got a new laptop for hs graduation and knows that, barring catastrophe, it’s intended to last for 4 years. However, we would not pay for a pleasure trip for spring break.</p>

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<p>Really, there is nothing wrong with indulging your kid, as long as that is what YOU want to do. We indulge our kids on occasion and indulge ourselves as well. We’d do more if we had more money. It becomes an issue if you think that this is becoming a problem in terms of life style expectations that your son is getting. My oldest has gotten a true shock in living on his own. He no longer is living at our standard of living and it is no pleasure for him. He did not get a lot of indulgences in college, but it was still a big difference when he had to pay his own way. I hurt for him a lot, and wonder if I could have made it an easier transition. He is now lower class economically after living all of his life in the upper middle.</p>