<p>DS2, a college freshman, lives a charmed life. He has a $300/mo allowence and has not been asked to contribute to anything other than his expenses over that. He did save most of his summer earnings and I know he uses those funds too. While home this week he hit us up for clothes, a new (laptop to take to classes) computer and a new cell phone. Today he asked for money to travel with friends on Spring break. It’s also clear he and his friends eat out often.</p>
<p>DS2 is a hard working, high achieving kid. He never asks for anything over the top–the clothes were needed for extreme temps and his cell phone had died and he didn’t want an expensive one. He’s good to us and really gives to the family. Yet, I’m wondering if we’re too indulgent.</p>
<p>I really don’t want him to work this year and I think the travel is good for him, but there’s a little voice inside asking if I’m teaching him the value of money. He insists all of his college friends have equally generous parents.</p>
<p>hmom5,
Every family does what is most comfortable for them to do and so no judgement as far as I am concerned. I’ll share what we do. </p>
<p>We also give our college kids a monthly allowance. We pay for tuition, room, board, and all books and related supplies for their coursework. Our kids have also earned money in summers, as well as before college and saved up for additional spending money on top of their allowance (and currently reside in cities). We also pay for their clothing (yearly budget for that). Now that you mention the phone, we also pay for the phone (my kids have basic cell phones and unlimited calling/texting). We pay for all travel home or to relatives. So, in lots of ways, we are doing what you are doing. </p>
<p>But there is one difference I am observing. We do not pay for other extras or trips they want to take. My kids have traveled and my older one has done quite a bit. When she was here over the break, she booked a trip to Cambodia and Laos for winter break. She pays for all those sorts of trips herself. We don’t pay for trips. If they live away in summer (which both opt to do every summer), they must pay their living expenses to do that. Both also receive gift money from grandparents and this helps with that sort of thing too. But we don’t fund those extras. They get a birthday present and holiday present as well. My kids have it pretty good but on the other hand, they have earned money and do fund the extra spending money each month and their own summer endeavors and trips and other extras themselves.</p>
<p>I think your son is telling you the truth re many other generous parents. That said, it is not necessarily best for the children. I think many young people have these large “expense accounts” (I wish I had a guardian angel so generous), and do not realize how to live within their means. It is my impression that girls are worse than boys, but that is just anecdotal. Some kids keep coming back to the parents even after marriage and children. If this is a style that will be ok with you, then it is not a problem. If he can truly understand what things cost, and that eventually he will need to foot the bill, maybe it will be ok.</p>
<p>We currently have a situation with married adult children with children who do not know how to live within their means, and it is frustrating. I can say that we did not cause this, because due to a divorce and many other complicating issues, we had almost nothing to do with the raising of the child. However, we are looked at as the bank of mom and dad, and it is not good, imho.</p>
<p>I don’t have in answer for you, but we support My D in a similar way, except for the “allowance” part, which we expected to come from summer earnings. Three months into the semester she has spent almost all of her ($1,500) summer earnings, and we are wondering how to proceed. Most apparently goes to food which we MAY have under budgeted for (meal plan covers about 10 meals per week and includes the mid-range of additional food points), but some went to i-tunes as well. She made mention of a spring trip her choir will take that is “too expensive” for her, but did not ask us to pay for it.</p>
<p>Did he get a new laptop at the beginning of the school year or is he going to school with his old laptop. Who uses a cell phone? Every one blitzes (not even text messages). Is he talking about getting a blackberry or a iphone so that he can retreive his blitzes?</p>
<p>If he is going through $300 eating out, he is going through a lot of $$ for Hanover (molly’s/murphys is not that expensive). </p>
<p>I totally understand where you are coming from because there are a number of students that do not work and live throught he bank of mom and dad. While you understandably do not want him to work the first year, he should do something productive with his time outside of the classroom (he will be applying for internships before his time is over).</p>
<p>I felt, my responsibility was to pay for direct school expenses (chicky is on the home phone plan - no bells or whistles unless she is paying for them). I told Chicky that she had to have some skin in the game. This meant that all her extraneous expenses (greek dues, spring breaks, going out, going over on Dash) were on her and as a result, she worked. I contributed to these expenses if I wanted to, but I did not feel as if I had to and for the most part, D had it covered (however I did chip in (emphasis on chip) to help pay for the last hurrah trip after graduation with the friends). </p>
<p>She was one of the few people she knew who worked and paid their own way. In hindsight, she is glad that she worked because it did help her to both effectively manage her $$ and her time.</p>
<p>It’s up to your family to make your decisions about what to fund…but the spring break trip with friends would NOT be on my dime unless it was a community service project (spring break doing Habitat or Katrina work or something of that sort). A vacation with friends…well…we didn’t fund that.</p>
<p>Our kids’ spending money (we paid tuition/fees/room/board…they paid everything else) came from summer earnings AND working during school. Both worked up to 10 hours a week during school. Both worked and earned a bit less than $4000 in the summers. That money was plenty to pay for books, clothes and any discretionary spending. BUT that was our family decision…some families prefer to give their kids an allowance and not have them work. Different strokes for different folks.</p>
<p>I will say…my kids were MUCH better at managing their spending when THEY earned the money than when I just gave them money. They knew their money was not a bottomless pit, and they were very careful and thoughtful with how they spent it. </p>
<p>Anyway…the spring break vacation with friends would be off the table at our house.</p>
<p>Holy cow, $300? My monthly allowance has never exceeded $0. o.O</p>
<p>Nonetheless, if he’s saving the majority of it, then I think he’s not being too “lavish”. I can’t imagine why anyone would spend in excess of $300 in the span of 30 days, other than to perhaps purchase a car or a laptop. I personally have never had a cell phone, but then again I’m fairly atypical so you might as well purchase your son one. Thought I would question the fact that he needs “new” clothes, a “new” laptop, and a “new” cell phone. If the turnover rate of his materialistic possessions is particularly high, there’s a good chance he’s not being taught the “value of money”.</p>
<p>Here is how we do it. DS is in a course of study that permits him to apply for summer internships that pay pretty well. He has worked every summer at such an internship since starting college. We pay tuition, fees, room, and board. His savings from the summer are used for books, additional food, travel (except for trips home, which we happily finance–even though I said we couldn’t when he was deciding whether to go far away :eek:), leisure, and other incidentals.</p>
<p>We also receive some financial aid, so DS knows that the constraints are not entirely artificial.</p>
<p>This kid is very frugal and debt adverse, though he will graduate with some student loans. I am not worried about his ability or inclination to mange his money in the future.</p>
<p>Sybbie, lots of texting going on but I’m thinking it may be just one girl! DS went to school with only a desktop.</p>
<p>Indeed we thought rural NH would be cheap. DS is a big eater and Dartmouth food is not an all you can eat affair. It also doesn’t offer the great plan that includes local restaurants that some schools have. He says it’s actually cheaper to eat in town but the school requires a meal plan for all 4 years!</p>
<p>Given that over half are on aid I was thinking that spending would be more modest than in his affluent high school crowd.</p>
<p>Mafool bring up another point. He will most probably be doing unpaid internships/service projects/foreign study most summers/off terms. We do not expect he will make his own spending money due to this. While I see the downside in terms of financial responsibility, I think in the long term the plan will help in terms of future employment and grad school admission.</p>
<p>While my kids get an allowance, it is NOT instead of their working. They both work every summer. They worked prior to college and saved up four years’ worth of extra spending money. But a lot of their summer earnings (not always ALL of them) also fund their summer expenses to live where their summer jobs (in their field) take place.</p>
<p>Really? Do list the restaurants he goes to and the costs of his meals. We travel to Hanover often and the food in town is NOT cheap…not at all. We know a number of students at the college and they say the dining service is fine. It’s not a restaurant…it’s a dining hall. </p>
<p>As said…it’s personal preference what you pay for…but you are being mighty generous with your $300 per month.</p>
<p>My kids have to have a cell phone as it is our means of communication with them. I feel they need it for other reasons as well. They are on our family’s cell plan. My kids have very basic cell phones when their college pals have Iphones and Blackberries and the like. This is something we want to fund even for our own peace of mind. Actually, when D1 goes to Third World countries in a month, we are going to rent her special phones on our dime for our own peace of mind to have a way to connect with one another. We simply are not paying for the trip.</p>
<p>We fund tuition, books (a budgeted amount), room&board-based on living in the dorm, if they live off campus they need to survive on the same budget, the basic cheap ticket home (not the last minute full fare!); medical insurance and expenses and a $250 monthly stipend. </p>
<p>They pay for their own cell phone, car insurance if they are home driving or if one wanted to take a car to school and any travel.</p>
<p>Any financial aid or merit $ are credited to me and I provide them the net amount.
Any work study $ are theirs to spend, so they can choose what is best, work study or not. Summer earnings are theirs to spend. </p>
<p>They do have to pay for their own cell phones, monthly bill and actual phone.</p>
<p>DD in a pricey area saw a ton of yuppie kids with Daddy’s credit card and always wished we would give her more money. Now a grad student she is on her own, managing her money well and feeling proud of herself and is critical of those kids who live off the largess of their family. She has several friends who are out of school and living in a big city apartment funded by their parents- she does not respect that choice, though she envies them the option ;)</p>
<p>The monthly stipend covers pocket money, clothes, etc and is really not very much, We do not buy much else, birthday and Christmas gifts and a grocery run when we visit them at school.</p>
<p>Put the ball back in his court. Between the phone, laptop and trip, he is asking for a great deal, and this is on top of a very generous allowance! Since the new cell phone is a done deal, mention that you were thinking of spending, say, $500 on his holiday present, and you would be willing to put it towards whatever big ticket item he wants.</p>
<p>You’ll be surprised at how fast the “must-have” becomes the “can live without” when the kid has to pay for them. When items are outside our comfort zone, we have always asked our children to contribute the amount over what we felt was reasonable (or comparable to what their siblings got.) The effect is amazing. </p>
<p>The other thing we did was to send them to school with a set amount of money for the year and no allowance. This was a combination of summer earnings, their savings, and gifts. Both of our college-aged sons have gotten campus jobs without any prodding when they saw how fast an account gets drained with no income. Working 5-10 hours a week on campus has helped them stay focused, get valuable experience and keep fit. I think, after a certain age, allowances create dependency and foster a sense of unreality. In these times, one of the most valuable skills a kid can have is money management.</p>
<p>I tend to think that you are being indulgent. It seems with his requests (new computer etc.) that he is unaware of it. Being in college myself I personally don’t spend much money and have to limit my social life because of not having money. I work very hard for my money and am 100% for all my expenses beyond tuition, room and board. I have taken out in my name loans for my tuition as well. I am extremely appreciative of the help I get. I have two spend about $200 dollars a month on co-pays because I have a chronic illness. It is not easy being poor and I pay for it. </p>
<p>However with all this said I know for a fact that if my mom could afford it she would give me as much as you are to your son. It is only natural to want to help your children. None the less spending like this now is not going to serve him well later in life when he is responsible for his own life. It is great that he works during the summer but you might think about cutting back on what you giving him now so that the shock of the real world is a little less extreme. Good luck.</p>
<p>Lots of good ideas. Spring break just became his Christmas present!</p>
<p>Thumper, the meal plan at Dartmouth has kids paying for everything as though they were in a restaurant. $6 for the sandwich, $2 for a drink…he says male friends average $15 for lunch or dinner. He tells me he can have the same meal for less at local pizza and sandwich shops or a muffin and coffee at Lou’s for less.</p>
<p>Everyone has different lifestyles, budgets, etc., so it would be difficult for others to fairly assess whether or not you indulge your child. In our case, DD doesn’t get an allowance. Her school costs ~$35k per year … we pay $10k per year of that and the rest is covered by scholarships. She will pay for law school (loans). We do pay for her cell phone and her car insurance and she is covered on our health insurance. DD works full time during the summers and works on campus during the school year. She is currently studying abroad. Her semester is paid for through an exchange program and she receives a monthly stipend for food, etc. She still has a small amount of money in the bank that she uses for traveling, entertainment, Christmas gifts, etc. She is our only child and we tend to be fairly generous at Christmas and birthday time. Obviously, if we ever thought DD was having financial difficulty, we would offer assistance. Fortunately, she has taken her finances seriously, has an excellent credit score and is doing well. I can only keep my fingers crossed that she will continue along that path.</p>
<p>I just posed this question to my D and she asked 'What is he spending $300 a month on? Does he have a gf and he is paying for everything for her too?"</p>
<p>Using this term as a jumping off point, you will get an idea as to if/how much you need to increase his meal plan (has he gone over?). While your son is a big eater, is he going out every night? </p>
<p>Most people don’t have time for a sitdown breakfast at Lou’s other than the weekend. But I must say that I was at Lou’s one saturday morning and we were sitting across from from some students who were on the lightweight crew team. They did eat an obscene amount of food. I have also seen the football players eat as if they have not been fed in a long time </p>
<p>here are a couple of threads that will hopefully give you some perspective</p>
<p>I think you should do what feels right for your family. Given the information you gave us, though, I don’t think you should pay for those extras unless they’re big gifts for Christmas (if you celebrate it) or his birthday. Asking for extras on top of an allowance is, in my opinion, a little crazy. How did you intend the allowance to be spent? I do this it’s excessive that he’s spending +$300/month at Dartmouth. My sister just graduated from Dartmouth and talked frequently about how she almost never had to spend money at her school to take full advantage of the college (though she did pay sorority fees after first year) as opposed to my urban college where students need to pay for their own entertainment, transportation, and food one day a week when the dining halls are closed. From everything I’ve seen, it’s very easy to be frugal at Dartmouth. I am assuming you did not grant him such a generous allowance in order for him to over-spend but instead wanted to support him when it comes to additional costs (like extra food and needed clothes), big items he wants (like a new phone or a computer), and perhaps increase his savings. There are solutions to his “problems.” He can get a new phone for free when he renews his plan (or when you renew his plan). He can save up for a new computer with summer savings and maybe split the cost with you for his next birthday present. He can find cheap hotels for a spring break trip, and you can give him the airfare in frequent flier miles for Christmas. His allowance should be more than enough to cover food over the meal plan and necessary clothes. He can spend some summer earnings on anything else that comes up over the amount you give him for allowance. Your son is getting a tremendous amount from you already; at this point, I think he needs to learn that Mom & Dad are not a bank, and money does not grow on your front lawn. I am a college junior, by the way.</p>
</p>
I am a college junior, by the way.</p>