<p>We gave our kids the budget of the state flagship school. Two went to UCs, one did 2 years CC and 2 years LAC, worked out approximately the same pricing. Especially when factoring in the overall COA.</p>
<p>On the other hand, one UC student got more merit aid than the other and we did not give that back to her, we used it to reduce our costs pout of pocket.</p>
<p>Also, one had to choose USC vs UC and she would have been liable for the loans and did not choose USC and is now glad she had no UG loans :)</p>
<p>Also, some parents do offer a budget of XYZ$ and if the student goes cheaper for UG, then maybe the parents fund part of grad school.</p>
<p>In HS our kids had different experiences, different ECs, different travel options, etc, and we did not worry about spending the same money on each, we did what each needed us to do.</p>
<p>I wonder if your son felt any sort of obligation to go to the cheaper college. One of my sons is extremely obedient - sensitive to what he thinks we want. One year, he heard us bemoaning not being able to afford something. He got it in his head that we were poor, and the next day presented us with a homemade card, filled with the entire contents of his piggy bank. I think he was probably around 8 or so at the time. </p>
<p>We have to use a sterner voice with talking with our resident princess about appropriate spending, but we don’t dare talk like that with this son or he’ll quit eating.</p>
<p>It’s all water under the bridge now - your son is already graduated. But I wonder if he purposely chose something that he thought would help the family, only to have his “sacrifice” ignored and to see his sibling benefit from it.</p>
<p>binx, that’s an interesting observation. Our S is currently at an extremely pricey LAC (not top tier by any stretch) where he qualified for little merit aid. School does not meet full need. So far we’ve invested around $32k in his “education” (which is another story). He has loans as well and is midway through his sophomore year. Money is no object as far as he’s concerned. D attends state flagship, nationally prestigious. We are paying nothing. It was not her first choice. We were more than willing to foot the bill for her first choice but she didn’t think it was prudent. It would have been a huge stretch for us and I think she knew it. </p>
<p>Son now thinks he will drop out. When I mentioned this to D, she was angry. And reading your post I think I realized why- she made a choice that she thought would be best for her father and I financially and now to see her brother squander his opportunities is just a bit too much for her. </p>
<p>D is aware that we will be helping her with future education and hopefully that lessens the disappointment a bit. I was blessed to have parents that paid for all of my education (through law school). I plan on doing the same for D.</p>
<p>binx – that’s what I was thinking. Probably because of my experiences growing up. We didn’t have much money, so I knew better than to ask for too much and learned to take care of things I had. My brother did not. I remember feeling penalized because I kept my things in good working order, so my parents wouldn’t have to replace them. My brother would trash his things (crash the bike, lose his baseball glove, etc.) and my parents would replace them, yet I was stuck using my same old stuff because I didn’t break things.</p>
<p>Not the same magnitude of money, but still…if the older child chose the cheaper school because of (perceived) finances, he probably feels a little unappreciated.</p>
<p>binx, our S chose the school because it was the only one he got into and he was very happy with it. I agree with your point, though. It’s not fair for the prudent, considerate and thrifty child to be “penalized”. That’s what’s so hard about trying to be equitable— you have to take into consideration the temperaments and maturity level of each child. Our S was a terrible student from HS on and he knew it and would never have expected or wanted to go to a private HS, which D ended up doing. </p>
<p>It’s also his temperament that makes me leery of helping him out now. Like oldfort says,
I don’t need that kind of problem! He is a wonderful human being but is not always as realistic or hardworking as he needs to be. I could see how subsidizing him could open up a whole new world of annoyances for me, just when he’s finally moved out on his own.</p>
<p>D, on the other hand, is responsible to a fault, sort of like binx’s son. She’s the type of kid that can be entrusted with her own credit card (on my account) for emergencies only. She has never touched it. We don’t give her any money other than paying her school tuition and board. Everything else, she’s expected to pay for out of her own earnings and savings. Sometimes I try to buy her treats and it’s always an argument. I don’t think I’ll have the same worries about her post-college as I do about S, especially when it comes to helping out (she’ll flat out refuse it, I’m sure).</p>
<p>Thanks for clarifying it (S is now out of college, struggling on his own). Since he’s done with college and the situation is actually different I think you should separate the idea of what was spent to educate him vs your other child from this situation. It sounds as if you’re considering helping him financially not because of anything to do with college but rather, because he’s currently ‘feeling the pinch’ while on his own. If he hadn’t been feeling the pinch I suspect this subject would have never come to the forefront.</p>
<p>Given that separation, you now have the choice of whether and how much to financially support your adult post-college offspring. Personally, I think it’s best to avoid financially supporting the offspring at this stage in life unless it’s a very dire situation. Struggling a bit can build character and can teach one how to work hard, how to budget properly, how to make choices as to what to spend money on or not, and how to value items and services. They might end up deciding to stick out their current situation or decide to switch gears and enter a different career path, forget about being self-employed at least for now, etc. I don’t see anything wrong with a bit of struggling when one is starting out. Beyond that if you always had in mind to give them a bit of a boost with helping with a home purchase downpayment, purchasing a car to help them get started, or something similar, that’s a personal decision that doesn’t really have any connection to the college expenditures (assuming there’s enough discretionary money ‘left-over’ for such things of course).</p>
<p>Yep, he’s certainly learning the value of a dollar! He has no interest in an iPhone, has no cable, no car, and only goes out on wednesdays to the local bar for $1 beers. I did recently buy him a new fall jacket because he was cold! I think some shoes might be next on the agenda.</p>
<p>Given his finances, every little bit helps. My son has been self-supporting since age 20. Once when he came home to visit and he had moved into a new apartment, we went shopping for bedding. I spent about $60 on a comforter & new sheets for him. It was a nice gift from me, useful for the home, and much appreciated. I kind of enjoyed the shopping trip – the kid I knew in high school wouldn’t have been caught dead shopping for sheets with his mom, so it was fun for me. </p>
<p>Other options: encourage your son to create a wish list at online shopping sites like Amazon. I’ve bought my son items like a coffee maker or rice cooker over the years --these are items that are $25 or less, easy for me - but again very much appreciated by a newly minted grad trying to make ends meet.</p>
<p>I like buying these very practical gifts – I enjoy giving, and it is something that is in my control, so I don’t feel any sort of resentment over how he spends his money. </p>
<p>One more suggestion: its easy to send a care package from time to time of basic food staples. You can pack a small flat rate box full of stuff like spaghetti & canned tuna (or whatever you think your might appreciate). Again, small expenditure on your part, very much appreciated on the other end.</p>
<p>Part of the issue when you have a self-supporting adult child and are still spending tons of money on the younger sibling is that the older sib simply feels a little cut off from the family. So it isn’t all about wanting a monetary equivalent – its also about wanting to know that he is still loved and valued as part of the family, even though he is now living on his own. That’s why little gifts can mean so much – it shows that you are thinking about him and still care about him, even though you also respect his independence. </p>
<p>And no, there is no way to make it “equal”. With the rising costs of college, even if the older sib had attended a private school, you would be finding that it costs more dollars out of pocket for the younger sib – what needs to be equal is your love and emotional support. Things will change over a lifetime. My son paid his own way through his last 2 years of school, and meanwhile I financed travel abroad for his younger sister in high school and a private college. But now my son is settling down and there is a grandchild on the way – and I’m quite certain that with the arrival of the grandchild in the spring there will be all sorts of attention and monetary gifts going to his “branch” of the family – just at the time when my daughter is graduating from college and stressing out at the prospect of supporting herself for the first time. The point is that you stand ready and willing to help, as needed and appropriate, and to the extent that you are able, for each child at the appropriate time.</p>
<p>If it was me, I would help not as a symbolic gesture, but because he needs the help, if he does. In fact, the first thing I would do before even proceeding with the next step in the conversation is to request that he refrain from linking his request for help with the cost of the education of his sister in any way. I am a believer in equal opportunity and fairness, but do not at all feel the need to divide everything equally in each case. Each of my kids always had what was appropriate for them, when it was appropriate. Even if I knew it was out of frustration, the idea of my kid sitting there with a calculator in his head adding it all up and dividing in half would just be completely distasteful to me - I would refuse to buy into it. </p>
<p>What I would do, though, is evaluate the situation on its own merits, while making it totally clear that one thing has absolutely nothing to do with the other. In your situation, if I felt my S was doing the best he could, and not able to live in a safe neighborhood, drive a safe car or had another good reason for needing the help, I would most likely help to the extent of my ability. That would hold true for either child in such a situation - regardless of the degree or how much it had cost me.</p>
<p>“You’re not ‘obligated’ to pay at all…”
“While I agree that you are not obligated to pay for either kids college expenses…”</p>
<p>I have to say I disagree with both of these statements; if a parent want his/her child to attend college, then he/she should foot the bill. Now if said parent doesn’t care whether or not his/her child gets a degree, then they aren’t obliged…But it would strike me as inane and wrong if a parent expected/wanted their child to attend college but felt no obligation to contribute financially.</p>
<p>^^ There are plenty of parents (not many on CC) who have no expectation that their child must attend or needs to attend or even will likely attend college. A parent is certainly not obliged to pay for college although many choose to. Some would like to but simply can’t afford it. There are plenty of people who attend college without their parents’ help through scholarships, veteran benefits, finAid, etc. IMO the recipient should be grateful if their parents (or grandparents or anyone else) chose to pay for part or all of the kid’s college.</p>
<p>My perspective on this is a bit different. Older D chose a VERY pricey LAC, turning down full rides and highly respectable schools. I warned her that if she took this route she was on her own for medical school. So be it. </p>
<p>Two years later S is choosing the large state university because he needs to stay close to his medical team. Is this his first choice? No. Does he feel ripped off in a number of ways? Yes. </p>
<p>What I have said is that the same money that went to his sister will be there for him for graduate school, buying a house, buying a franchise and so on. He’s not going to use it to buy groceries, but I do believe they are both entitled to the same “launch” money. If he can’t use his for a pricey school, well, then, let’s find another venue.</p>
<p>^^similar handling in our home—soph s at private lac on full ride, he made decision partly based on knowing that $ I saved for him for college would be there for grad school, it’s still “his”. fresh d at public in state also w scholarships, is using some of her funds, but will still have some for grad school as well. in my mind, each of my three kids will have approx same amount available to them, though it may not get used specifically for college…I felt strongly that it was my responsibility to put each of my kids thru college, their responsibility for grad school, etc. so if they “earned” scholarships, I felt they still deserved to have that college money available to them.</p>
<p>In reading this thread, I realized that back when I went to college, my parents paid for 5 years for my college education, 10 years for my brother’s. (and he went to two of the most expensive schools in the country for two undergrad degrees and med school.) It never occurred to me that mine cost “less” since my path was totally my choice. Who knows how the numbers all worked out overall, because my parents did help each of us in different ways later (such as they paid for my wedding!)</p>
<p>I just hope that parents can give what they feel is needed for each child, trying to balance the child’s need and what they are able to pay. Hopefully there will be the understanding on all sides if the love and support is there.</p>
and can teach one how to work hard, how to budget properly, how to make choices as to what to spend money on or not, and how to value items and services. They might end up deciding to stick out their current situation or decide to switch gears and enter a different career path, forget about being self-employed at least for now, etc. I don’t see anything wrong with a bit of struggling when one is starting out. Beyond that if you always had in mind to give them a bit of a boost with helping with a home purchase downpayment, purchasing a car to help them get started, or something similar, that’s a personal decision that doesn’t really have any connection to the college expenditures (assuming there’s enough discretionary money ‘left-over’ for such things of course).</p>