<p>Our oldest graduated from an in-state state university and our D currently goes to a private LAC. The LAC tuition for one year is roughly equivalent to all 4 years at the state school. The state school was his choice, we would have allowed him to go to a private university. Now, he is grumbling a little about the discrepancy in expenditure. (He is on his own and is feeling the pinch, financially.) </p>
<p>So, parents, how would you deal with this situation? Do you feel obligated to spend equally for each child’s education, and if the costs are variable, would you compensate in other ways?</p>
<p>You’re not ‘obligated’ to pay at all and certainly not to spend exactly the same amount for what ends up to be two different people in two different situations. I don’t understand why your S would be grumbling about it. What does he expect you to do - write him a check for the difference? Or does he feel that he should go to a more expensive school just so he can consume more of your money and feel that your expenditure was more equitable (at your expense of course)?</p>
<p>If he’s doing anything other than being very thankful that you’re funding this for him he’s being ungrateful and unappreciative. He should be thanking you for funding his college. I don’t really understand the comment about ‘feeling the pinch’ if you’re funding his college. If he feels he doesn’t have enough spending money a small p/t campus or other job should provide more than enough.</p>
<p>I’d feel perfectly comfortable spending unequal amounts for these unequal situations and I wouldn’t try to compensate with some kind of gifting. Of course, this might leave you with more funds to extend his education with a study-abroad or something which you might decide to do if desired but that’s for his college education still and not just a handout.</p>
<p>We have 2 kids and we’ve decided that we will spend equally on each. We don’t have enough saved to fully cover 2 college educations (especially after last year’s market dive) so they will both need to take out loans. If one kid’s college is cheaper, then they will just owe less when they graduate. They both know that going in, so they can use that information when they choose their college. Our d was accepted to a couple of prestigious schools, but in the end she chose the state school mainly because of the price difference. But she also turned down a school that offered her a full tuition merit scholarship because she just didn’t feel that it was the right place for her.</p>
<p>We try our best to treat both our kids equally. Sometimes it gets a bit tricky, as they have different abilities and develop at different rates. The younger D is going to graduate before the older S for eg. Recently their grandmother wants to give them a sum of money. She thought she should give the S more as “he needs it more”. She asked for my input. I said to divide the funds equally because I do not want D to feel as if she is less important nor I want the possibility of ill feelings between brother and sister.</p>
<p>"You’re not ‘obligated’ to pay at all and certainly not to spend exactly the same amount for what ends up to be two different people in two different situations. "</p>
<p>I agree. The OP’s son picked a cheaper college, and that doesn’t mean that his parents owe him money since his sib picked a more expensive one. The OP’s son needs to learn gratitude for the opportunity that his parents gave him.</p>
<p>Just wanted to clarify that our S has graduated from college. He is living on his own and is self supporting but is having a hard time. He never complained before about the discrepancy. I think he’s just learning some of life’s hard lessons about financial independence.</p>
<p>I don’t think this has anything to do with your son being ungrateful. He’s probably just now realizing how difficult it is to earn enough money to make ends meet and he’s frustrated about his current situation. Whether you choose to help him out financially right now is your decision. If you do decide to help him out financially, try not to offer the money as compensation for choosing the cheaper college. Don’t make the connection between the financial help and the price of his college. Instead, offer the help because you’re his parent and you see that he could use the help right now.</p>
<p>Again, you are under no obligation to help. Struggling through hard times is part of life. Sometimes it’s best to step back and let our kids struggle and learn to adapt to difficult times. Sometimes it’s best to lend a helping hand.
Do what you feel is right for the situation.</p>
<p>This is a little off-the-wall suggestion, but if you are feeling (even more) generous than you already have been, you could consider offering to put some money in an IRA for him for a couple-few years (maybe until your D graduates). If he’s feeling the pinch now that he’s on his own, then he probably has no $ left over for retirement savings, and you could get him started on this financially healthy habit. Imo, he should continue to endeavor to support himself with his current earnings and not get into the habit of looking to you to make ends meet whenever he can’t.</p>
<p>It’s certainly true that you don’t “owe” him anything and that he should be grateful that you’ve footed the bill for his education. However, this step, if you can afford it, might appear to him as an acknowledgement/reward for having chosen a less expensive school, which may be a good thing for family peace.</p>
<p>I do not think you should give money to your son to equalize the difference between your D’s private school tuition and his state school tuition. He chose the college he attended and your D chose her school. Life isn’t always equal in every regard. </p>
<p>You might help him out with car repairs or some other expense, just as an offer of help since he is having some hard financial times. But don’t get into the trap of trying to make things “equal.” It’s not a good idea to get into that, as you have many decades ahead with grown children.</p>
<p>You are always allowed to gift your children money…if you want to and can afford to. But, no matter how hard you try, you’ll never really be able to be “equal” in the amount you spend. For example, one might have five children and the other might not have children, would you then be obligated to give the birthday and holiday gift money amounts to the one who has no children? However, nobody is ever going to tell you it is illegal to “help” out your newly graduated son.</p>
<p>While I agree that you are not obligated to pay for either kids college expenses, it would be good to try to even the contributions up if you are able. Maybe part of S1’s choice to go to the public school was not to stress your finances, knowing that there was a brother to follow? Even if he never articulated that, it may have been something he did for the good of the family. </p>
<p>We intend to spend the same amount for each kid. D1 is at a private school, D2’s current first choice is an in-state public. The cost difference would be 6K-8K per year (older D has a merit scholarship). We plan to make up the difference by contributing to younger D’s book expenses while she is in school (D1 pays for her own) and offering her the rest at graduation time to either put towards grad school or use for living expenses as she starts her independent life. Of course, all bets are off if we can’t afford it</p>
<p>In a way you have treated them equally as you are paying for each of their educations. </p>
<p>D told me recently a friend whose parents paid full expenses for first daughter informed other daughter, just before senior year, that they will not be able to pay much, if anything, for second d’s tuition. (Possibly this is result of the market downturn) BUT oviously this disparity in parental support is a big inequity in this case.</p>
<p>My husband was the second son and his parents would only pay for a cheaper state college, while his older brother was sent to a more expensive out of state LAC. However, in your son’s case, he chose to go to his college (first), you didn’t force that on him, so his jealousy is not warranted.</p>
<p>We’re dividing it up pretty evenly. The kids know that and the choices they make and consequences will be theirs. You could set up your wills or trusts to reflect the differences, but it seems easier to me to be “equal” as we move along through life.</p>
<p>I think it’s best to try to treat kids as equally as possible, but it’s not exactly an obligation. If you’re a Bible-reading family, you might ask the grumbling child to read Matthew 20:1-16 for some perspective.</p>
<p>My inclination at this point is to pay for undergrad education whatever it costs. If a kid said to me I’ll go to the free ride for undergrad if you’ll pay for grad school, I’d listen though.</p>
<p>This topic has come up on CC before. I feel we are very cognizant about treating and doing for our kids equally (we have two girls two years apart). But what I term “equal” when it comes to education is not the same as what you consider as equal. In our case, both kids were afforded EQUAL OPPORTUNITY. Both could attend the college of her choice. We don’t compare what one costs to the other one’s education costs or if one got a better aid package than the other. Both got their college educations paid for by us and could choose wherever they wished to go. Same with their many extracurricular activities and summer programs growing up. Also, one of our girls is going to a 3 1/2 year graduate school that we are funding. The other daughter is not going to grad school as she did a professional degree program as an undergrad and doesn’t need grad school for her career. While that may sound unequal to you that we are supporting one D for 7 1/2 years of schooling and only supported the other one for 4 years, they both had equal opportunity because if the other one wanted grad school, we would have paid for her as well. But that child, who is actually the younger one, graduated college this past May and is now expected to be self supporting (and she is…in her field as well). I expect the older one to pay her own way when she gets out of grad school too. The equal part is that both would be funded for their years in school. </p>
<p>Other things we pay the exact same amount for each kid…such as food money in college (when they were not on meal plans) and allowance in college. Same with clothing allowance and gifts for birthdays and holidays. But if one kid’s books for college cost more than the other, it didn’t matter as both got school supplies paid for and we did not match that up dollar for dollar as they had an equal opportunity to have their books/supplies paid for. </p>
<p>I’m not into supporting adult kids after they are out of school, but I do think if your son is struggling and you want to help in some capacity like insurance or car, etc., you could but I would never tie that to the cost comparison of both your kids’ educations. He chose his school and your D chose hers and it doesn’t sound like you limited your son’s selection any more than your daughter’s. I would keep the cost of the education out of the discussion of any way you might opt to assist him if he can’t make ends meet but is at least employed.</p>
<p>We are not quite there yet because we still have a younger one in HS. If D2 should choose to go to a school with full merit aid, I would be inclined to pay for her graduate school, whereas we have agreed that we wouldn’t for D1 because we are paying full fare for UG.</p>
<p>I would help out my kids financially if I think it’s necessary, and that’s a big IF. Again, we get back to parent’s making a judgement call on a child’s spend. At the same time, I would be conscious of if I were to give D1 a down payment for her first house then I would make sure I would have enough money to help D2 out if she should ask for it someday, and it could be for something else. I am not sure if I am a believer of helping one kid out more than another because one is more or less financially secure.</p>
<p>Thanks everyone for the thoughtful responses.</p>
<p>nysmile, You hit the nail on the head:
</p>
<p>He is not an ungrateful, entitled child by any means. He has never asked us for money, ever, even when he was starting his own business or moving into his new apartment.</p>
<p>I think it’s the symbolic nature of the situation. I agree that we are not “obligated” beyond what we have already done-- given them equal opportunities-- but I’m thinking that a gesture would go a long way. I like Austinhills’ suggestion of starting an IRA for him. I was actually thinking along those lines. Maybe even help towards a down payment for his own apartment some day.</p>
<p>I’m hesitant to outright help him out with living expenses at this point though. He’s a newly minted working man and I think he needs to learn financial responsibility on his own, struggles and all. I’m afraid that if we help him out now it will foster dependence and undermine his own sense of confidence and autonomy.</p>
<p>mousegray - I also feel the same way about subsidizng livng expenses. I would rather help with one out of plan item that would mean a lot to him (house, car, new equipment for his business). When you help out with living expenses, sometimes you may get upset with how he is spending his money. If he should decide to splurge on a flat screen TV, you may question his decision (all of us have our vices). Whereas if he was paying for his everyday expsenses then it would really be up to him how he spends his money.</p>