Am I over reacting?

Parent Cafe
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<p>For those of you “old timers” may have read about odd things my mother has done. I really can’t predict what she will do, because I don’t understand how her head works. ( we are both adults and I have my own adult or almost adult kids)</p>

<p>My youngest who is a senior in high school, is going on a class related trip to Ghana in a few months. My mother, apparently thought that was enough cause to strike up a conversation with a man working at a movie theater that she guessed was recently from Africa ( she was correct, he was from South Africa), in order to tell him that her grandaughter was going there.</p>

<p>That doesn’t bother me so much, although it does bother me but not surprise me that she couldn’t remember exactly * where* D was going, but since Africa is such a “small and cozy place” someone from South Africa, would know equally all about Ethiopia in east Africa,( which is where she decided that D was going) as they would about Ghana in west Africa- after all South must be in the middle right? :rolleyes:</p>

<p>But- what really bothered me, was that she gave him my name and phone number so he could contact me.( Im not sure why- I don’t think she remembered this group has already been to Ghana six times, Im sure she meant well, but if I wanted to get information about Ghana from someone who has been to Africa- I do have friends and aquaintances who grew up there-) Im sure he is a perfectly nice man, but I don’t give my kids phone numbers out to people I * know*, without asking them first, let alone give out their numbers to strangers- that just bothers me.
( So if I ever go to Ghana, should I be expecting grandmothers to ask me all about Florida, even though I have never been east of the Missouri River, and that not since I was three?) :confused:</p>

<p>She doesn’t have Alzheimers, she has always been like this, she has always been very impulsive and does what ever she feels like.
We don’t have much of a relationship, although I do call her to check on her, and to listen to her tell me about her day.
So when I called so she could tell me all about her day & she told me all this, when I was incredulous that she gave out my phone number * She hung up on me!*</p>

<p>Do I have anything to apologize for?</p>

2

<p>No, you were not wrong. Your mother was wrong to give out your number to anyone without your permission.</p>

3

<p>I agree with NYmomof2. Still, if you wish to remain on cordial terms with your mom, you might want to acknowledge the kind intent of her action while asking her not to give your number, address, etc. to strangers. You describe her as “impulsive,” so that indicates she lacks the ability to clearly think through the implications of what she’s doing, and I doubt that trait will ever change. While she’s impulsive, she does seem to be proud of your D, and was in her strange way trying to help your D.</p>

<p>I’m saying this with lots of empathy as I had lots of problems with my mom.</p>

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<p>I’d appologize, only because she’s your mom and she won’t be around forever, and you’d hate to have a rift between you.</p>

<p>You bring up a good point about ignorance of Africa, however. Dallas has quite a few African immigrants of late, and I feel bad that I don’t have a clue what countries they are from…of course they don’t look or sound alike, but I can’t tell a Nigerian accent from a Kenyan accent from a Ugandan accent. I don’t even know East from West. I can recognize African last names, but I don’t know what part of Africa they are from. Of course, we can all pretty much tell a German accent from a French accent from an Italian accent. I guess we’ll eventually all learn, but it makes me feel pretty ignorant right now.</p>

5

<p>As a practical suggestion, I would suggest you ask your mom to give out your email or cell phone–something untraceable–instead of your landline. I doubt if she will stop talking to people, but you can make it feel less threatening.</p>

<p>In my family we give out emails and phone numbers with some abandon, often to people who will just be visiting the area. I’ve met a lot of nice people that way, when they call and say “your sister (cousin) said I should call.” (As in, oh, you’re going to London, why don’t you see if you can have dinner with our distant cousin Vicky?)</p>

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<p>well, mom seems to be trying to help and doesn’t know how</p>

<p>You say you don’t have much of a relationship, and believe me, I get that, but maybe there is a way to include her somehow a bit more</p>

<p>I don’t know the history, etc, and she may indeed be someone not to have a tight relationship with</p>

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<p>emerald - I have such empathy with you! My mother memorized the SSNs of all 8 of her kids and even though she now suffers from Alzheimer’s, she can and does spout our #s all the time, to anyone who’s listening. My bro tried to get his changed - couldn’t. </p>

<p>I learned a long time ago not to let her have personal info, and dmd77 is right about the cell phone (if you can get her to use it).</p>

<p>Good luck! Maybe this nice man from SA will ignore your mother and throw your # away?</p>

8

<p>You know em, </p>

<p>Moms are moms…:wink: The more things change the more they don’t…</p>

<p>I would ask myself…“did she do this trying to help or hurt?” and go from there.</p>

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<p>You learn that you don’t have to tell your mom everything. You don’t have to tell her about these sort of things until 20 minutes before the plane take off. And then only when she asks; where so and so is and you say; “Oh yea, she’s in Aftica”.</p>

10

<p>… to continue #9…and then she might say, you did not tell me. You never tell me anything! LOL. </p>

<p>EK, I sent a PM to you.</p>

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<p>No, you don’t need to apologize. Your mom’s judgment is not that great, as you have said before, and she does things like this often, but I guess some things can still catch you off guard, so you’re human, you reacted. You are a very loving daughter to call her so often and check on her.</p>

12

<p>I realize she thinks she is helping in someway- but I don’t know how.
Long history of doing things without thinking though- one of most egregious (besides the father/911 tragedy) was when I was about 21 and trying to break it off with a man who was not only a passive aggressive alcoholic, but who had been arrested for assaulting a friend of mine (with his car) when he was trying to help me. I tried to use this opportunity ( his arrest) to get out of the area for a few days to clear my head- and begged my mother not to tell him where I had gone. ( I had moved back with my mother inbetween apts for a few days)
However- I doubt that she made it very difficult for him to get that information from her, and while thank goodness, I was too far away for him to come and get me, he did barrage me as soon as I returned and the combination of where I was at and pressure from my mother ( who liked him) and him- resulted in resuming the same relationship.</p>

<p>She thinks she knows best- although the evidence I see- she isn’t’ really thinking much at all.</p>

<p>Obviously I am not one who thinks we should give respect to people just because they are older-and I feel as I should apologize for that- but there is so much baggage with everything - that I probably do just add it together.</p>

<p>Boy you guys are great- cheaper than a shrink anyway!
:slight_smile:
It is disappointing to feel like I can’t ever tell her * anything* because I don’t know what she will do with it.
But, * boy* I sure get tired of hearing about the movies she goes to, how she is so busy baby sitting my sister and brothers kids ( which she was also too busy doing- when I needed help- like when I was a single mom) & her lunches with her friend from high school that lives in the area, who always has to make snippy comments about the college D attended, and asks if she is still “gay” and why that is, ( and my mom has to tell me about it)</p>

<p>That brings up another thought- why do(some) people seem to delight in sharing bad news?
It’s kinda sick :p</p>

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<p>emeraldkity4 (now don’t tell me there were 3 other emeraldkitys so you had to use #4!!)–</p>

<p>My mom sounds allllmost like yours, saying and doing exactly as she sees fit, and has always been this way. Differency might be this: occasionally my mom
redeems herself with some incredibly generous, heartfelt action. So I do forgive her the blunt speech.</p>

<p>I think maybe she hurt you because she hung up on you. Nothing worse than that. Try to replay the tape in your head. You said you were “Incredulous” rigth before she hung up.</p>

<p>That would be the place to modify your response, and add in all the suggestions from others about, “Well, mom, I know you probably meant well but that was NOT a safe thing to do.”</p>

<p>I do find my mom is always making mistakes about safety precautions, based on what was the norm back in her day. I keep clueing her in about things that were of no issue in the l950’s that could today cause identity theft, etc.</p>

<p>Or things that she is proud of me for, but she doesn’t realize it could embarass me. I shared with her how I shop ebay or at consignment shops. Next thing I know we walk into our synagogue and she’s telling everyone how I buy all my clothes second-hand. Stuff like that. I know she wants to applaud me for being clever and frugal (a value in our household) but that’s not positive in a social context to share with strangers.</p>

<p>So you have my sympathies. The only thing to work on is not to overreact so she doesn’t hurt YOU, like by hanging up on you.</p>

<p>You have nothing to apologize for. In fact, perhaps the other way around, but don’t expect that to happen.</p>

<p>Love her, keep checking on her, resolve to speak with greater sensitivity as you age, and set a good example for your kids. They’ll treat you well that way someday. I really want to emphasize that. Young adults watch us now as models for what to do with aging parents, so I think about that stuff too whenever I want to lambast my mom.</p>

<p>Your kindness and forebearance now will be rewarded in future years, when your kids make allowances for you. Look there, and not to your mom, for the balance of justice re: appreciation.</p>

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<p>"That brings up another thought- why do(some) people seem to delight in sharing bad news?
It’s kinda sick "</p>

<p>The other trend my mom and my daughter share is communication through complaint. If I close my eyes sometimes I can’t tell who’s talking to me.:)</p>

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<p>Your mother was wrong to give the information out without your permission. Whether or not you have anything to apologize for depends on exactly what you said to your mother and how you said it, IMO. IF you think you really may have overreacted in the moment you can, if you want, apologize to her for <em>that</em>, without compromising your position on the issue at hand.</p>

<p>Then, when she is calmer, would be a better time to revisit your expectations for giving out your personal information to strangers - which is what you really want to get across to her. The way you describe things though, I wouldn’t hold my breath for much to change going ahead. Unfortunately, she sounds like the type who will never really apologize for anything. Some people in her generation do feel that older people are entitled not to be challenged and should be respected at all times, regardless. They grew up that way (couldn’t say boo to parents or in-laws for example) and feel the same is coming to them or are used to an authoritarian model of interaction, even with adult children.</p>

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<p>Have that kind of mom, too. She’ll do anything to feel important and that the world and every trip to Ghana revolves around her.</p>

<p>Narcissism is very difficult to change; I just nod and let her feel important. It’s driven me crazy all my life, but there it is.</p>

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<p>it isn’t so much that I thought that I over reacted- but when you were raised by someone who didn’t employ boundaries- and who still doesn’t- ( for instance ,she will tell me things about other people that is really TMI!- do I really need to know things about anyone elses sex life besides my own?- I didn’t think so):p</p>

<p>it is hard to know what is “normal” and what isn’t .</p>

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<p>

.</p>

<p>On one level, I think we can never view a close relative entirely objectively. Just as we can’t be trustworthy to write report cards or recommendations on our own “perfect” children for college, we’ll never know how our own parents compare to all the other strangers standing on an elevator.</p>

<p>But to give away your phone number to a stranger because someone in your family is going to visit his home continent…not normal. Irritating (to me, anyway). Not pathological. So, somewhere in the middle of that spectrum.</p>

<p>“No boundaries” summed it up. SOunds like an old Calvin Kleins bluejean ad.
I’m thinking that when a MOM fails to uphold boundaries, that’s particularly upsetting because we want them to protect us from harm, because she’s the MOM.</p>

<p>I realized this a year ago when I visited my Mom alone, without my spouse or the grandkids in tow. She’s widowed and lives very long-distance. I unpacked into an upstairs bedroom and realized I felt safer there than anyplace else in the world. A phone rang downstairs and I realized it’s either for her, or if it’s for me she’ll tell them I’m resting, but no matter what, she is my fierce tiger defending me from all harm that the world might bring my way. (I know, I totally regressed. It was a great visit.) </p>

<p>When she gave away your phone number to a stranger, even if she thought there was something for the two of you to chat about, she didn’t protect you in that visceral way I just described.</p>

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<p>Wow–what a piece of work, ek! One thing I learned in “shrink school” was that the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. She’s not likely to change. Your best bet is to do what you’re doing–get it off your chest with your cyber-buddies.</p>

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<p>I find myself recalling (and missing) my dear MIL who died about 20 years ago. She was spontaneous/ impulsive / boundariless to a fault. Whereas my husband notes the many trials (and embarrassments) of his growing up years, i just recall how much life she brought to any gathering. (She bought us matching leopard print spandex sweatsuits when I was pregnant, AND SHE WORE HERS!)
I hope your mother has at least a few of those fun traits as well as just the irritating ones.</p>