<p>Even with early admit, you still need a Plan B. Students in early admit programs have to maintain high grades, especially in the science courses specifically required of pre-vets – and some of those courses, particularly the chemistry courses, can be brutally difficult.</p>
<p>OP, I’m definitely in a similar situation. My D doesn’t have as much self-motivation and drive as I think are necessary for her to achieve her goals, and H thinks that college admissions still works the same way it did when he applied in the 70’s. He is definitely the biggest obstacle. I’ve done the research and I try to explain reality to my D, and I think she’d get it if he’d stop telling her not to worry, that high school isn’t that important.</p>
<p>Fortunately, aside from loving animals, my daughter blows the whole “girls = good verbal, boys = good math and science” thing out of the water. She’s geeky that way :-)</p>
<p>Encouragement is great, but when it gets to the point of nagging, its detrimental. For kids who are intrinsically motivated to succeed at academics, getting told to do something and having to do it just to fulfill a requirement removes a lot of that motivation and makes the task a chore.</p>
<p>If your daughter works better at the last minute, then let her procrastinate. She knows what works for herself by now, and you’re only making it harder by trying to wedge her into a workflow that is unnatural for her. Some people (myself included) have found that they simply work better under a different set of conditions. For example, I like to do my homework in the morning, but my parents always want me to finish it at night. They think that I’m procrastinating, but I know that I work better in the morning as the house is much quieter and I’m much more focused. I understand where my parents are coming from, but they just don’t get it, nor do they try to.</p>
<p>On an average day, I’ll go into school with half of my homework incomplete. You’d think that I’d be failing most of my classes by now, but I rarely, if ever, miss a deadline. Why? I come into school early and have a couple of free periods, so I have plenty of time to do all my work in the peace of my school library.</p>
<p>My main point is that you can’t say that your daughter is successful and question her procedure in the same breath. You may not fully understand how she manages her time and resources, but its obviously working, and if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.</p>
<p>No, I wouldn’t say her procedures are working.</p>
<p>She was referred a vet who would have let her shadow him, and basically blew it because of procrastination. So now she has to start cold-calling without a referral. Not good.</p>
<p>She didn’t take her first AP exam seriously enough, and did not pass it as a result. </p>
<p>She wrote an essay for a scholarship competition recently, but because she waited until the last minute, it was not nearly as good as it could have been. </p>
<p>I am deeply concerned about her lack of priorities at times. I don’t want her to fail. I want her to realize her dreams.</p>
<p>I speak from experience. I didn’t get into my dream career because I didn’t take my education seriously enough in the early going. I don’t want her to make the same mistakes I did.</p>
<p>I think a better way may be to just go over with her what she needs to get done or achieve in order to reach her goal, then let her manage her time. </p>
<p>We only have D2 at home now. She knows what she needs to do to get As in school, she has ballet all day Sat, she has to clean her room(s) and her bathroom, and practice piano. I would prefer if she did some of her work on Fri afternoons, but she likes to do everything on Sun and take Fri and Sat nights off. I don’t care as long as she gets everything done. If we had a family event to go to on a Sun, I would let her know midweek so she could plan accordingly.</p>
<p>When D1 was a senior, she had a spreadsheet to keep track all colleges’ requirements and deadlines. We asked (required) her to show us her essays a week before they were due, and it was up to her when she wanted to work on them. I have to admit toward the end I would email her early in the morning to remind her what additional things she had to do, and I cc’d my husband.:)</p>
<p>My H and I were always together on everything. We agreed that if we disagreed we wouldn’t do it in front of the girls.</p>
<p>I can’t believe this is me writing this, thinking back to where I was six months ago, but everyone would be happier if you backed off – you and your dd.</p>
<p>This was very telling to me: “I speak from experience. I didn’t get into my dream career because I didn’t take my education seriously enough in the early going. I don’t want her to make the same mistakes I did.”</p>
<p>Yes, you have the wisdom of age and hindsight, but your dd isn’t your do-over. And you are overfunctioning, which means others in your family are underfunctioning. Your dh is letting you be the bad cop because you’re willing to perform that role. Quit being the bad cop, then sit back and watch your dh squirm. I speak from experience on this. Dh likes to paint me as a control freak because then his halo stays golden. I’ve begun dropping that role, and it’s amazing the change in dh. He’s had to step up. I love it. I know I’m happier.</p>
<p>Also, your dd’s volunteer work dovetails perfectly with her career goals. She IS doing something constructive there. </p>
<p>I think one good talk where you explain where you’re coming from, why it’s important to you and should be to her and then stepping back is in order.</p>
<p>I also think OP should step back, a lot.</p>
<p>A student who wants to pursue a demanding course of study has to be ambitious, motivated, driven. A self-starter. If your D is not these things, you are not doing her any favors by substituting your own self-discipline for hers.</p>
<p>Chill. Let the chips fall where they may. I have found that my own mellow D gets way more done if I just get out of the way.</p>
<p>OP: You are welcome to vent here but I think you should back off a bit. Youdon’tsay has the right idea.</p>
<p>My advice is to have a lot of supportive conversations where you inform your daughter and husband about what SHE needs to do in order to get into vet school. But DO NOT get into detailed monitoring of how she is going to ‘get cracking on task A, task B, etc’. That is an unhealthy pattern and will be counterproductive.</p>
<p>vet2be have you shown her the collegboard’s “How do I stack up?” feature. It can be more motivational than anything you say. </p>
<p>Also last year when I was sitting where you are…twin daughters end of Junior year both aspiring to one day attend vet school I had a very blunt conversation with my more recalcitrant daughter- She was blunt as was I and the upshot was: she was sick of my nagging, she wanted to only talk about college planning one day a week, I gave her the reins and said fine, we talked about college one day a week until the fall when she admitted that she needed more help. </p>
<p>She is no longer sure she wants to be a vet though she know she wants to work with animals and is still planning on a bio major at this point. She is deciding between some wonderful college choices so it all worked out in the end.</p>
<p>Sometimes they just need a break for awhile and once they get it they come back to you for your wisdom. My friend says parenting a teenager is like flying a kite, sometimes you let out the line and sometimes you have to reel it in.</p>
<p>The “how do I stack up” thing on college board could be counterproductive, because she stacks up just fine for admission to the colleges we’re looking at. (Washington State, Colorado State and Oregon State are the top schools, but that would change if she were able to get into any early admission program for vet school, anywhere.) </p>
<p>She goes to a private school with a good reputation for preparing kids well for college, GPA in excess of 3.75, involved with a couple of clubs and lots of volunteer work with animals, NHS, etc. Taking AP and honors all the way through - the school has two levels of honors programs, and she is in the most rigorous. She took the SAT early as a junior - 1290 CR & math, 1830 overall (Writing is NOT her strong suit) - and we suspect that’ll improve a bit when she takes it again in the fall. </p>
<p>She’ll look pretty good on paper to a state school. She’s fundamentally a good kid. But she can’t skate by doing just enough to get by and get into vet school. She most likely will not be accepted into an early admit program without passing her AP exams this year and shadowing a vet.</p>
<p>What she should be doing now can make it so much easier on her in the long run. She could have a year’s worth of credit walking in the door. She could, in one early admit program, not even have to worry about taking the GRE. </p>
<p>I want the best for her. And I’m here venting now, instead of checking in on her progress with what she was supposed to be working on today… that’s backing off a little :-)</p>
<p>Sympathize. Totally. It’s agonizing to watch your kid watch TV instead of opening that backpack or working on that essay. We’re anxious for their futures and we worry, worry, worry…so we nag, nag, nag. Big sigh. I finally had to back off and let my younger daughter experience some lousy grades, some disappointing report cards and develop her own study habits…which are finally beginning to improve now that she is a junior. My older daughter is more academic…she is also older for grade (my younger is among the youngest in her year). As a result of nagging less, our relationship is much, much improved. </p>
<p>The fact that my younger daughter is not super-motivated has been quite an adjustment. BUT, BUT, BUT…she did sign up for a medical magnet program all on her own, she works three days a week and learns lots on the job, and is very funny and quick witted. She doesn’t study as much as I’d like, but her grades are (finally) improving and she’s finally admitted THAT SHE DOES NOT WANT TO GO AWAY TO COLLEGE and live in dorms (gasp). She wants to start off a community college and become a nurse. I now suspect that she was sabotaging her grades so she couldn’t get in. Not sure. </p>
<p>I’m not suggesting this is the case for your daughter…but…it sounds like she’s doing so many right and positive things…if she gets some B’s…well, it is what it is. Maybe try adjusting your strategy to noticing all the things she does right…and praise her for the time she does spend doing her homework or volunteering or staying up late to do an essay. There are also some in-between scenarios. While your daughter may not be one of those 4-plus GPA kids we read about here (hats off to them!), she’s also definitely not a slacker and it may take her experiencing some disappointments of her own making to work a little harder for a goal that is important to her. </p>
<p>Maybe try no-nagging for two weeks…and noticing/complimenting when she does make efforts on her own and see how it goes? Nagging is awfully stressful and anxiety-provoking. Speaking from experience!</p>
<p>Disclaimer: Im not a parent.</p>
<p>I think sometime parents worry too much or push too much. If you have brought her up right, have some faith that she will do the right thing. Shes junior already, soon shell be in college by herself. In my experience, I found parents that guide their children too much create a dependence problem for their kids. So when the kid needs to be on their own, they cant take on any responsibility. For example, my college roommate, smart as all gets out, got good grades in high school and did well on SAT because his parents were on him like white on rice. He gets in college, dont do homework, skip almost every class, smoke weed, and dropped out after first year. On the other hand, in high school, my dad always tells me to stop studying so much and concentrate on being healthy. My mom would tell me stop working so hard in sports, because Im over straining my body. College application time, told me not to apply to too many colleges because its a waste of money. I get in top engineering school on scholarship, graduated with high honors, got high-salaried job lined up before I graduated. </p>
<p>As a volunteer teacher, I see this with my students parents. A lot of students are doing the work only because of their parents; they dont really want to do learn. As soon as the parents ease off, the students start to slack off. You have to realize that at some point, your kids have to be independent. Too much meddling is actually a disservice to the kid. Let them learn their own lesson, if they want something; they need to get it for themselves. As much as you want to, you cant hold their hand forever.</p>
<p>To the OP: I read your entry on a different thread re: leaving home at an early age, etc. Each of us comes into the world of parenting with a particular history. From what you wrote, I can understand the statement you made re: feeling like you wish you could have a do-over. Makes sense. However, you can’t take your experience and foist it on your daughter (none of us can). PLEASE try to take a deep breath and give her the space to grow in the way she needs to grow. Do NOT ruin your relationship with her by nagging and pushing; it won’t accomplish what you want it to but it will definitely rupture your bonds. Perhaps you can get some assistance with a gc or counseling to help the 2 of you set priorities and general guidelines. Then, it is up to her to carry them out. And if she doesn’t meet YOUR expectations so be it. She has her life ahead of her. My niece didn’t make it into vet school here in the US — it is VERY difficult — wound up out of the country and is coming back to WWU for residency. Another way – her way. We each have a path; please let her find hers. Sorry to ramble…it ain’t easy being a mom!</p>
<p>Through the school of hard knocks, I’ve learned that it’s not my job to force other people to do what’s needed to reach their dreams.</p>
<p>If your D really wants to be a vet, she’ll do what it takes, and you won’t have to motivate her. </p>
<p>If she doesn’t do what it takes, she’ll learn that she can’t get into vet school, and she’ll find another dream.</p>
<p>It’s very rare that people end up pursuing their high school dream careers. The few people who do tend to be people who are very focused and self motivated. </p>
<p>I</p>
<p>I love this thread. Thank you for starting it, OP. I imagine lots of parents on here have done this dance at different points in time-- should I have pushed more? do I push too much? </p>
<p>I know I think about this myself sometimes because I err on the naggy side too much. I suspect I would no matter how high she jumped because I could always find something that <em>I</em> would do differently if I were her :). </p>
<p>So many good points on here. These for me are a few gems from many I read that I want to save to remind myself to follow the main theme of advice on this thread:</p>
<ol>
<li><p>You are overfunctioning, which means others in your family are underfunctioning.</p></li>
<li><p>A student who wants to pursue a demanding course of study has to be ambitious, motivated, driven. A self-starter. If your D is not these things, you are not doing her any favors by substituting your own self-discipline for hers.</p></li>
<li><p>I have found that my own mellow D gets way more done if I just get out of the way.</p></li>
<li><p>My friend says parenting a teenager is like flying a kite, sometimes you let out the line and sometimes you have to reel it in.</p></li>
</ol>
<p>I like that analogy, starbright!</p>
<p>^Oh thanks but they aren’t my ideas! I literally cut and pasted my favorite parts from this thread as they deserved to be repeated. Sorry for the confusion.</p>
<p>The most motivational thing I found for my D was touring a college that she was really interested in. Now that she can SEE the reward at the end of the road, it’s a little easier to pick up her load and carry it. She isn’t even complaining about her SAT prep class!</p>
<p>What if your child is just slow to mature? A late bloomer not because of parenting but simply physiology. It seems a shame that for some kids, their 16 or 17 year old self can make decisions that so impact their 26 year old self. </p>
<p>I agree it’s their life and dream and career, but some kids more than others might need more parental push/guidance/whatever because they haven’t developed the self-discipline, or study skills, or a realistic or long term perspective that is needed. Those things come with maturity and the reality is some kids physiologically and brain-development wise will just develop at a different pace than others. They may develop what it takes to be an extremely successful X, but not until later, and maybe not in time before they lose some important options.</p>