<p>"What if your child is just slow to mature? A late bloomer not because of parenting but simply physiology. It seems a shame that for some kids, their 16 or 17 year old self can make decisions that so impact their 26 year old self. "</p>
<p>The OP is worried that her D is not taking the steps to succeed in the D’s dream to become a vet. It’s not as if the D is running into an early marriage or pregnancy.</p>
<p>Many young people have dream careers, but their dreams don’t become reality because the young people have no interest in doing the hard work to make those particular dreams come true. In fact, what they imagine their lives to be in their dream careers often bears little connection with reality. For instance, when I taught journalism, I had many students whose dream careers were to be TV anchors. However, they didn’t like to write, research, or do the hard work of reporting – the actions one has to take to become an anchor and stay on the job. </p>
<p>The students just wanted to look cute while reading aloud on TV. Their dream career simply didn’t exist. Their flunking a reporting class or not being able to get a broadcast internsihp because they didn’t have the writing, research, background or assertive personality needed meant that they then were free to pursue more realistic options which would have been real fits for their personalities and interests.</p>
<p>starbright, your post resonated with me because you (and northstarmom) were describing my sister.</p>
<p>She was never a strong student in HS, finally making A-B honor roll her last semester. She decided to go to nursing school. This was in the Dark Ages. I don’t remember her going to college but instead to a nursing school. I was young, about 11, and so don’t have a great recollection of it. But I do remember how my parents spent a LOT of money (for our family) on her books and such. She dropped out after the first semester, after getting engaged. She would cry about how difficult it was and how “she wasn’t smart like me.” Yes, guilt-tripping an 11yo. </p>
<p>Anyway, nothing my parents could have done would have helped her in this situation. Some people just have the drive/determination/self-esteem/whatever to meet their goals. Long way of saying that my sister wasn’t “late to mature.” She always considered herself something of a victim. Sometimes people close off opportunities despite the support of a loving family, and there’s nothing you can do about it. I sure hope my parents don’t feel guilty about her dropping out and the subsequent lack of opportunities she’s had in her life. I know it makes me sad to see some of the choices she’s had to make, but I bet my parents don’t give it a second thought. Probably a generational thing.</p>
<p>I realize that was rambling but just wanted to get it out here.</p>
<p>Oh I agree. I don’t mean to suggest that lack of developmental maturity explains all kids who aren’t cutting it under their own steam. No doubt many have unrealistic dreams, have no idea whats involved, also many who just don’t want to- and never will- put the hard work into their goals. No matter what age they reach, it won’t be happening for them.</p>
<p>But all the above can be true AND it can be true that <em>some</em> students are just late bloomers and might benefit from more parental push than others (that just because a child isn’t yet a self-starter doesn’t mean she or he won’t become one). </p>
<p>How a parent can tell the difference of course is another matter.</p>
<p>Yes, so we’ve circled back to “when to push and when to back off.” :)</p>
<p>And I didn’t mean to compare my sister to OP’s dd or any other story posted here. As I was reading, she just came to mind. Maybe because my entire family is going on vacation together next week – everyone except my sister and her family, that is. Oh well.</p>
<p>You are right, it is HER dream, not yours, and she has to be responsible for attaining it, or not. From your posts, your stress about this is too high for both of you. You sound really driven about it, and as others have said, that’s her job. </p>
<p>The dream of being a vet is always tricky, because many young girls want to be veterinarians, and most of them start wanting it in grade school. It’s just something little girls want. Parents, mothers in particular, really latch onto that. Then often, at some point in high school, a lot of these girls realize that they don’t want to be a vet. It’s hard because by then everyone in the greater universe knows that they want to be one and it’s been talked about proudly for years. I have known more than one girl who felt compelled to keep wanting to be a vet because her parents were so into the idea. </p>
<p>I’m not saying that this is you! But it does happen a lot. Little girls want to be vets. But the idea of being a vet is not the same as really wanting to be one.</p>
<p>I totally understand the feeling of wanting your child to be everything you know she could be, but somehow we have to figure out how to let them be themselves and follow their own paths. I have been in a similar situation as you, and had to learn that even though I just wanted her to achieve her goals, what that meant was different for me than it was for her. They are so young. We forget how young they are, and how much they don’t know, and how much they need to learn by doing.</p>
<p>Let her be. If she really wants it, she’ll strive for it
90% of kids are on their own to figure this out(myself included) and she will be far better of without you pushing her.
If it will work out in the end,
hovering isn’t healthy for either or you…kids need to find their own way. parents did it i’m sure</p>
<p>Heron, that is a great point. We have to recognize that children’s dreams can, do, and probably should drift and change and go back and forth. We should not hold them to their stated dreams. Maybe OP’s daughter simply is not so keen to be a vet after all. Certainly if Mom keeps reminding her how hard it is going to be to realize her dream, D may just decide it is not worth her while.</p>
<p>Regarding comments that OP is overly self-identified and committed to D becoming a vet: the screen name vet2be_Mom does imo seem to be consistent with those comments.</p>
<p>“Tomorrow, 6-7 hours or more will be devoted to her volunteer work, so… doesn’t that mean today should be a “not fun” day? Am I crazy? Am I mean?”</p>
<p>This also indicates that the mom is putting far too much pressure on the D. 6-7 hours of volunteering work is similar to working a fulltime job that day. Presumably that was on a weekday, too. Of course, the D wants some time off after going to school that week, too.</p>
<p>I agree that the mom needs to back off. If the D becomes a vet, fine. If not, sounds like she’s a wonderful young woman who has the ability to find a good career that she’ll enjoy. </p>
<p>I think the mom needs to focus more on her own needs and desires for herself, and I think the mom needs to choose another CC name – a name that isn’t so dependent on her daughter’s future.</p>
<p>I also sometimes feel like I’m the only one who cares. Then I usually take a step back and try to remember that this is D’s future, not mine. At that point I back off. I highly recommend a continuous recitation of “it’s not my future, it’s not my future”…works wonders for me.</p>
<p>Our S is bright but not particularly focused or dedicated. It drives H and me crazy when we feel he is doing the minimum to get by, but lately I’ve wondered if maybe he doesn’t really want to “live up to his potential”. Things are certainly less stressful at home when I’m not pushing him so much. But it’s hard for me to see him playing video games or watching TV when I know he has a lot to do. I have a constant internal tug-of-war going on. :)</p>
<p>" Regarding comments that OP is overly self-identified and committed to D becoming a vet: the screen name vet2be_Mom does imo seem to be consistent with those comments."</p>
<p>bingo.</p>
<p>i mean, who REALLY wants to go to vet school here? D or overbearing M?</p>
<p>OP, I know that you have the best of intentions, and you only want to see your daughter achieve her dreams. And if she seems to genuinely not understand what is required to achieve her dreams, there’s nothing wrong with providing her with info.</p>
<p>But, if you keep up the way you are going, you will <em>destroy</em> your relationship with her. It is possible to be caring and concerned without nagging her to death, which is quite frankly how you are coming off to me. Aside from the effect on your relationship, you’ll kill whatever intrinsic motivation she has.</p>
<p>If she loses out on opportunities now because she procrastinates, maybe she will learn from that. There’s more than one route to most goals. And really, she’s better off learning (which includes making mistakes, and sometimes suffering as a result) to manage her time herself now, and not when she’s at college and things are higher-stakes.</p>
<p>I echo every single sentiment in Youdon’tsay’s post at #27. Very wise words. I especially agree with the she’s not your “do-over” comment.</p>
<p>OP, like others have said, it is clear you love your D very much, but you are over-identifying with her stated desire to become a vet. She’s 16 or 17 - while she may indeed end up in that career, at this age and in the years beyond, her passions and pursuits will wax and wane, and hopefully along the way she will mature into a person that realizes that HER actions, done on her initiative, will get her to where she wants to go. Her life, her dreams, and - ultimately her responsibility.</p>
<p>While I don’t think you’re “mean” regarding the thought that one “fun” day on the weekend means that the other day should be “not fun”, I do think that you are overplanning her life and free time (at least in your mind as to what she “should” be doing). Let the kid be a kid - there’s plenty of time for growing up.</p>
<p>I wish you and your family the best of luck.</p>
<p>Well, my bigger concern was being undermined by her dad… I have this thing about parents at least trying to put on a united front.</p>
<p>So she spent Saturday reviewing for her AP exams instead of working on what I suggested. At least it was productive.</p>
<p>I really just needed to vent. Is that so horrible? For that, people want to play armchair psychologist and question my character, etc? FWIW, my dreams never included working with animals… at all. I picked the user name because I’m proud of my daughter and what she’s working to achieve. Excuse me… I thought this kind of place was about the kids…</p>
<p>Whatever.</p>
<p>She’s a good kid. She’s been offered the “out” many times - “If this isn’t what you want, just say so.” I’ve advised her to consider what her Plan B will be.</p>
<p>But aside from all of that, the way she just <em>glows</em> when discussing any animal, be it our own or the ones up for adoption - if you were her parent, you’d know she can’t see herself in any other profession.</p>
<p>Vet2beMom, I share your frustration. My kids seem to need so much “down time” and “breaks” I wonder how they’ll ever make it through life. I have a D who wants to go to a super-competitive school - her desire - not mine. But of course, she resists any suggestions that would help beef up her app. Unfortunately, she is competing against kids whose parents are plotting every move - and their kids are cooperating. It is definitely not a level playing field for college admissions. It’s amazing that there are 2 hours per day for TV, and only 25 minutes for one math section.</p>
<p>There is also a larger concern here - There will be many times when our children have to accurately evaluate situations and take advantage of the resources available. I worry that this skill is lacking - the idea of setting a goal and focusing on it, strategic planning, whatever you call it. </p>
<p>I think in the long run, I just have to know that I’ve done the best I can.</p>
<p>Did you ever consider you are just as much at fault for not agreeing with your Husband as he is at fault for not agreeing with you. The two of you disagree, so why is the burden completely on him to agree with you? Honestly it seems you are going way way overboard here. I think Nazi is to harsh of a word but when a parent seems dissatisfied that their child is <em>oh god no!</em> studying for AP exams, you know something is wrong. Besides, it isn’t like your daughter is trying to get into Harvard or anything.</p>
<p>Your daughter is 16 or 17. She doesn’t NEED a Plan A or a Plan B!!</p>
<p>She needs to work hard to get good grades and decent test scores, and she needs to have lots of fun time too. She’ll get into college and she’ll forge her own path and career choices. HER career choices. She may be a vet, but then again, she may NOT. As a parent, I certainly wouldn’t hang my hat on what my teenage kid thinks they’re going to be NOW. Your perspective certainly changes when you get to college on what sounds like a rewarding career - or at least it has the opportunity to change.</p>
<p>Sorry that you didn’t like all of the responses, but I honestly didn’t see anyone maligning your character. I thought that some pretty crucial points were fleshed out and you probably didn’t like reading them, though. That’s understandable. So I guess you can take your football and go home. </p>
<p>But it doesn’t make those points made any less valid. As Youdon’tsay said, and I will repeat, this is NOT your college do-over. You love your D and that’s clear, but she will figure all of this out. If she wants to be a vet, then it’s up to her to make it happen. With your subtle support and advice. Because if you keep up with the intensity, it will likely bite you in the rear end some day in one form or another.</p>
<p>Again, I wish you and your family the best of luck in the college selection process when that rolls around.</p>
<p>“I have a D who wants to go to a super-competitive school - her desire - not mine. But of course, she resists any suggestions that would help beef up her app. Unfortunately, she is competing against kids whose parents are plotting every move - and their kids are cooperating. It is definitely not a level playing field for college admissions. It’s amazing that there are 2 hours per day for TV, and only 25 minutes for one math section.”</p>
<p>What many people learn through experience during adolescence is that dreams don’t happen automatically. This is a lesson that many people have to learn after they don’t achieve things that they’d dreamed about, but hadn’t worked hard to accomplish. If you force them to do things to reach their dreams, you deprive them of the learning that will be essential for them to be adults with the discipline to achieve what they want.</p>
<p>When I was in high school, I dreamed of winning a local award for my piano playing. However, my mother had to nag me for me to practice, and even then, I didn’t practice particularly hard. Somehow, I thought that practicing a long time the day of the competition would allow me to win. When I lost to the self motivated students who were practicing for hours each day I learned that if I wanted to achieve my dreams, I’d have to work hard for them.</p>
<p>I decided that winning piano awards wasn’t important enough for me to bother practicing hard, but I did apply to other situations the lessons I learned from not winning that competition.</p>