<p>Many of us recognize your feelings in all this, trust me. It is hard to let go, knowing that teenagers may not be physiologically able to recognize consequences and risks. (That whole prefrontal lobe thing.) But in the end, after you have given your guidance, you have to step back and let her find her own path. And to do it on her own, standing alone but tall. After all ,will you follow her to college in a year and a half, when she is still a teenager, and only slightly more mature than now?
Our DS dreamt of being a physician for years through high school. That changed during his first semester in college, which happens to many if not most students. She will find her way to what she really wants, even if in fits and starts. All you can do is not get in the way; I don’t think you can guide her to the point of seeing to it she is doing all she needs to do. Keeping after her won’t work, and is even likely to be counter-productive. If she should fail in some way, well, those are life’s consequences. You can even reinforce that by taking away her ipod or whatever if she blows it somehow. But I know it is very, very hard to stand by and watch her fall down, even if you will be proud to see her pick herself back up. Whatever she really, truly wants, she will work to accomplish. The most you can do is “set the table.” The world will not end and she can still have a good, happy life if she does not wind up as a vet, because she sounds like a great kid.</p>
<p>And well said, blossom!</p>
<p>^^blossom-you sound like my mom…
and to OP, i don’t have parent issues…
my parents are fantastic and let me do as i please…</p>
<p>Was it really necessary to mock a teenager?</p>
<p>^^^thanks ADad.
and i was hoping the OP would get my point. What i posted isn’t exactly how i feel (although i do feel they are hovering) but rather how a teen can take the whole pressure</p>
<p>it was meant to make a point, not to be completely literal</p>
<p>i fear the “ultimate price” will be borne by others.</p>
<p>OP, you have shown yourself to be quite unreasonable.</p>
<p>your post attacking a teen on this board is quite illustrative…you owe both the
poster you mocked, and more importantly, your D, an apology.</p>
<p>my advice…get off the CC board…go to night school and become a VET.</p>
<p>and leave your daughter alone.</p>
<p>Chill, relax. Support, bribe, help are the only things that work with kids in my house. Everybody’s house is different though.</p>
<p>going back to the original post…the op stated she was venting! just asking for some support from her husband…we dont have to agree with her particular process of encouraging/pushing her daughter, or we may agree.
every child is different and this whole college admission process has become so complicated and competitive…throw in the economic crisis and the frustration builds. then you come to cc and can’t help but begin to compare your child to the children of other posters and wonder should they do more, are they doing enough.
No matter your parenting style, i think everyone here would have to admit to “some” degree of frustration with their child (and/or significant other when a difference in parenting arose at some point) (even if not school related but maybe chores, attitude etc) … so she chose to vent here.</p>
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<p>You have GOT to be kidding! That was an “attack”? </p>
<p>Truly, the inmates have taken over the asylum.</p>
<p>When a teenager comes onto a PARENT forum, and makes a number of snarky, insulting, know-it-all overly dramatic posts, and it’s somehow out of line to tell said teenager that they don’t know it all and they’re being overly dramatic, something is drastically wrong.</p>
<p>Purple pen psychology run amok. </p>
<p>I’m quite sure R6L’s tender psyche wasn’t bruised in the least by my verbal brutality. I felt she was being rude and out of line. I don’t think it was out of line to tell her so.</p>
<p>Whatever.</p>
<p>Blossom, you should write a book on parenting. You have so many pearls of wisdom in these threads… hats off to you.</p>
<p>vet2be mom. You didn’t hurt my psyche in the least…
but by posting, you asked for opinions… i gave mine.
I’d also like to add that you were just as rude as me, if not far more.
and if anyone was out of line it was YOU…and you’re supposed to be the adult.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>Irvin Yalom
The Gift of Therapy, 258.</p>
<p>Here’s another vote for “RELAX!” MY SIL drilled this into me, when we were stressing over our middle schooler. She said we should tell him, “Look, your dad and I already ‘did’ 7th grade. We’re not going to do it again for you.” It’s worked pretty well. No, his grades aren’t as high as we would like, but he HAS to learn to motivate himself.</p>
<p>I heard another saying that I try to remember every day: Any time you do something for your children that they could do for themselves, you are CRIPPLING them.</p>
<p>I took my oldest son on a 1500-mile college trip in February. I tried very hard to make HIM do the talking and questioning. I suggested one time that notes might be a good idea, and he agreed. On all of the 5 tours we took, he was the ONLY student taking notes. A professor actually stopped our group at one point and asked if he was a prospective student. When my son said yes, the man said, “I commend you. You’re the first student in two years I’ve seen taking notes. You wouldn’t believe how many parents make the decision FOR the kid.” When one mother expressed surprise, he said, “Oh, it’s really bad with this millenial generation.”</p>
<p>I’m not trying to be argumentative, but I agree with a lot of the other posters here. I think you should listen to your daughter and husband.</p>
<p>OP: If it’s any comfort, my kid was just like yours. I had to drive her, check her assignment book daily, ask her on an hourly basis what homework she <em>should</em> be doing, etc. I often asked myself if I was doing way too much that she should have been doing herself. </p>
<p>But the minute senior year began, she was a changed person. With college now on the visible horizon, she has become self-motivated, and our household is correspondingly calmer. It’s like night and day. We NEVER discuss deadlines, assignments, etc. I was able to be completely hands-off with the whole college app process (except financial aid forms which I do see as my responsibility). For her it was a question of motivation; the goal was just too distant. It’s here now, and she’s found her stride.</p>
<p>The change has been a learning process for me too. I’m figuring out how to back off, and am much more willing to let her make mistakes, even when I can see them coming. Just in time too – this time next year, she’ll be making them hundreds of miles away where I won’t have to witness them personally. She will have to find her own way now, for good or ill. My job was to give her a good start, even when that meant making her study when she’d rather be AIM-ing. She actually has thanked me for forcing her to learn time management and organization, even though she fought like a demon at the time. She knew I was right; she just didn’t feel like doing it. Kids don’t generally know what’s best for them, nor do they have the long view of things. That’s why they have parents. ;)</p>
<p>I know this is hard to hear because you are probably a Type A Mom, as am I, but all the pleading, cajoling, nagging, etc. is probably going to turn her off. She’s got to want it for herself and do what needs to be done. You can remind her “gently” but after awhile she will either listen or not. Tough to zip our mouths, I know!</p>
<p>Unfortunately, the Parents Forum on College Confidential is often the WORST place to try to just get a little sympathetic commiseration. The predictable replies here to the OP could probably be reduced to an algorithm, but let’s just say the OPs original plea for sympathy & frustration about her daughter is one that is guaranteed to bring out the wolves.</p>
<p>The world is awash with slackers whose parents never pushed them (yes, pushed) to do a little better. It is a LOT easier to just let teenagers do what they want and then pretend that is teaching them some kind of valuable life-lesson. I personally think that good parenting often involves taking the tougher road.</p>
<p>where’s the frustration missouri?</p>
<p>D studies for APs on saturday nights.</p>
<p>and mom has a problem with that,</p>
<p>go figure</p>
<p>jd, at least let it be over something she actually said.</p>
<p>vetmom or i want to relive through my D…</p>
<p>"You have GOT to be kidding! That was an “attack”? </p>
<p>Truly, the inmates have taken over the asylum.</p>
<p>When a teenager comes onto a PARENT forum, and makes a number of snarky, insulting, know-it-all overly dramatic posts, and it’s somehow out of line to tell said teenager that they don’t know it all and they’re being overly dramatic, something is drastically wrong.</p>
<p>Purple pen psychology run amok. </p>
<p>I’m quite sure R6L’s tender psyche wasn’t bruised in the least by my verbal brutality. I felt she was being rude and out of line. I don’t think it was out of line to tell her so.</p>
<p>Whatever. "</p>
<p>grow up “Mom”.</p>
<p>grow up.</p>
<p>^^missouri</p>
<p>read the thread…this is how it began.</p>
<p>Chastising her kid for studying AP on a saturday…capiche?</p>
<p>are u kidding me?</p>
<p>mom is attempting to rewrite history through her D.</p>
<p>chill out M…YOU go back to SCHOOL…leave D alone.</p>