Am I utterly hopeless?

Parent Cafe
1

<p>I’m a new college grad.</p>

<p>In general, I’m happy… great job, great friends, good relationships with family, doing well in the field of my choice and off to grad school soon, fulfilling hobbies, etc. However…</p>

<p>I’ve never had a “real” boyfriend before, and I’m a virgin. <em>cringe</em> I had a prom date, meet great guys (straight female here) at college dances (yes, I admit to enjoying grinding and such), even been kissed, but I’ve never been a real romantic relationship. I have wonderful–and mostly female friends–friends. I’m not beautiful but I can look pretty nice (or so I’ve been told). I do have a slight speech disability and a more substantial physical disability, but I also know a lot of women with disabilities who are married or otherwise taken, so I’m not inclined to blame that entirely, though it probably is a factor. </p>

<p>I had kind of a top-turvy college experience–spent freshman and sophomore dealing with some really rough, time-and-energy consuming times during which I relied on the crying shoulder of an <em>incredibly</em> dear friend (also a straight female, no romantic attraction on either side, though I will say her husband is cute quite :slight_smile: ), who incidentally (and seemingly randomly) decided she hated me and never wanted to speak to me the next year. Losing her as a best friend, confidant (and admittedly, the person who figuratively saved my life) threw me for a total emotional loop that year (apparently, even platonic “break-ups” SUCK). Junior year was was also marked by two jobs, an academic credit overload, etc., etc. Senior year, I did almost one year worth of classes in one semester while working the same two jobs and doing a thesis and spent the next semester jetsetting around the country and then cramming 2/3’s of a year-long senior internship into 2/3’s of a semester. </p>

<p>I know I sound like I’m making excuses, but I’m just… scared that I won’t ever find a committed boyfriend/husband (no desire for kids due to physical issues). I want to have a real, romantic relationship with dates, dinners out and dinners in, and yes, sex. I know from my experiences at dances, etc., I’m at least somewhat capable of attracting guys (and when I do they’re good ones, at least), but I’m worried I won’t been seen as real “relationship material” because, well, I haven’t been yet whereas most everyone I know has. I guess I’m wondering if, at 22, I’ve already passed my prime, as ridiculous as that may sound.</p>

<p>Any advice? support? anecdotes? anything?</p>

<p>Thanks.</p>

2

<p>Oh my gosh, no, you are not hopeless. Everyone has different experiences and as my mother used to say, everyone “blossoms” at different times. And you are by far not the only one to have waited into their twenties to have a romantic relationship (sounds like you may have been a little too busy for one!)</p>

<p>I don’t have any amusing antecdotes to give you, but I will say, as a mom and as a former college student…what a gem you will be for someone. So many of today’s kids (even at 20) have had what I consider WAY TOO MUCH experience (already been around the block…several times). I suppose the current culture encourages that and most teens gleefully go along, not understanding the ramifications to later relationships.</p>

<p>Even if it wasn’t necessarily your choice, waiting until you are more mature will hopefully make your first relationship something meaningful and maybe lasting…as I said, you will be a rare gem for some lucky man. Concentrate on all the fun things you like to do…read good books, travel, socialize, continue to grow into someone interesting and mature, and you will be fine. (p.s. I’ll pray for you…you do the same!)</p>

3

<p>No, you are NOT hopeless!</p>

<p>Just found out at graduation time that the oldest daughter (age 25) of dear friends now has a boyfriend – her first since seventh grade! This is a stunningly beautiful girl with a great personality (she won a state pageant in high school) and a college degree, who also has high moral standards. Anyway, before now (even in college) she never was in a relationship, although she had dates for proms, formals, etc. (I am sure that she, like you, is a virgin.)</p>

<p>And now she is blissfully in love. Don’t know if this will be a long-term or permanent relationship, but it’s going well right now. It will happen for you, too. Be patient.</p>

4

<p>fwiw, I married my only boyfriend–met him when I was 23. I never went to prom or any dance. I had a few dates, and turned down others (I was good looking back then–I had plenty of attention from guys–usually the wrong kind). I just wasn’t interested in investing a lot of time and emotional energy in a relationship as I was trying to focus on academics. (Had a sister who was always going through dramatic breakups–that scared me, too). </p>

<p>S is 21–never had a girlfriend.</p>

<p>If you want to meet guys that share common interests, volunteer for something. Maybe join a church or civic group. I know a lot of people who met their spouses this way–maybe not in the group, but through someone (who knew someone, who knew someone) in that group.</p>

5

<p>Wanderwonder, my theory is that lots of people begin their first significant adult relationship when they’re in the last stage of their education, whatever that might be. So kids who are going into the workplace at 18 tend to marry their high school boyfriend or girlfriend, but people who are going to grad school are either too academically focused for a relationship, or are still (perhaps subconsciously) inclined to think of themselves as “not ready.” Anyhow, I have a PhD, and almost all my married friends met in grad school. It’s a good place to find people who share your intellectual interests.</p>

<p>Atomom’s suggestion is also a good one. In her late 20s my mom joined a big urban church young-adults group looking for a nice guy with solid values, even though she wasn’t a believer. It worked, and she got married at almost 30, much older than was the norm in those days (1950s). She and my dad are now in their 80s and faithfully attend church every week, even though my mom privately believes in reincarnation . . .</p>

6

<p>Don’t worry … you are fine! :slight_smile: Just make sure you do things you like, reach out to those around you when you are in a group, and remain active. I have a couple brothers & a couple friends who never married, but they are happy because they are engaged with others in meaningful ways, doing things they enjoy. I just went to a wedding a couple weeks ago for a couple in their mid-40’s … first marriage for both! Life is a journey. Enjoy the ride, whatever it may be.</p>

7

<p>“Anyhow, I have a PhD, and almost all my married friends met in grad school. It’s a good place to find people who share your intellectual interests.”</p>

<p>True here too!</p>

<p>I have three words of advice for the still-single grad student: graduate residence hall. Lots of smart amusing people right on your floor. And, chances are that they aren’t in your department so if you do form a permanent relationship you won’t be competing for the same jobs once you do finish grad school.</p>