H and I had the two oldest kids before we married. Consequently, they used to tease their younger brothers about being at our wedding and they weren’t invited. Son 2 (child 3) was about 4 when said - “I was too there, I was an egg person in mommy’s tummy and I watched the party through her belly button!” For years after that, they teased each other about being egg people. They said the youngest was supposed to be born first, but he was so pushy, the others shoved him to the back of the line!
Let me just preface this by saying my ex used a lot of profane language. She didn’t learn it from me:
When my D was about 2, we went to my parents’ house where my dad was sitting on the floor next to the open dishwasher. D walks in and says, “Papa, what are you doing?”
“I’m working on this dishwasher.”
“I’ll help you,” she said, and walks over to the dishwasher, lifts out the silverware basket and says, “G&#Da*% it.”
Without missing a beat, my dad says, “I see you’ve worked on dishwashers before.”
My mom and I had to leave the room so D wouldn’t see us laughing. As funny as it was, I was mortified because D was supposed to start going to Mother’s Day Out at our church that week and I was afraid she would drop the GD word (or something else) at church!
Funniest thing my son ever said is unfortunately something I can’t post here or ever talk about in polite company. Too bad, it’s a doozy.
So glad I kept a journal and wrote things in it! When my daughter wasn’t yet two, her grandparents came for a visit. She had a rapidly expanding vocabulary at that time. My in-laws were the same age, but my mother in law, who must have been 78 or so at the time, still had a lot of naturally blond hair. She looked at Grandad and said, “Grandad old.” That made us all chuckle, Then she looked at Grandma and said, “Grandma new.” Hahaha! Still makes me laugh to think of it.
Oldest had a fun one with speech. He couldn’t say the “w” sound and replaced it with “f.”
We’re at my very strict and straight laced (hated me) MIL’s when the lad came in the kitchen and said, “Let’s go out for a walk!” (Replace w with f.) MIL was absolutely horrified and it took H a long time to convince her the lad meant walk - he just didn’t have the ability to say it yet. She already knew I was an awful parent and to her, what he said (without understanding his development level) helped confirm it. Even if it were accidental he should be reprimanded (spanked+) and corrected!
We knew what he meant and language would come in time, so no harm came to the boy. I felt for H in the middle though. Fortunately, he respected me and our ways more than his mom’s.
I’ve mentioned this before here…
S1 & S2 both attended a Jewish preschool/K.
When S2 was in K, the teachers were talking about Yom Kippur. The kids were asked to say what they were sorry for and to draw a picture. The teachers transcribed what the kids said, and turned it all into a booklet the kids brought home.
Many of the stories were about a fight with a friend/sib or not behaving at home.
S2’s drawing was blank. What he said: “I can’t talk about this. I need to speak to a lawyer.”
My spouse was never so proud of S2. And yes, I still have the booklet. ?
Kid walking me through his KG homework (“draw a chick here”):
Big oval. “This is his body.”
Nice orange L shapes coming out the bottom. “These are his feet.”
Smaller oval on large one. “This is his head.”
Black dot in small oval. “This is his eye.”
Sideways V beak coming out of small oval. “This is his pecker.”
Yeah, I think you’re ready to turn that in, Honey.
One day while driving, we had stopped at a bakery and I gave my 3 year old D a gingerbread man cookie. A short time later, she said from the back seat “oh…no… I have to do something… my gingerbread man is SO sad. Mommy, he’s crying!” “Why is he crying, sweetie?” “Because… he KNOWS.” “He knows what?” “He knows I’m going to eat him. I don’t want him to cry! It’s making me sad!” “It’s okay, Honey, you don’t have to eat him! We can take him home instead, and hang him on the Christmas tree with the candy canes. And then you can still see him, and he won’t be sad!” She considered this for a moment and then she said “It’s ok, Mommy. I’m just going to eat his head first, so I won’t see him crying anymore.” OY!!
The wife of the elderly couple next door passed away when D20 was 4. We went to the funeral to pay our respects and D wanted to come because she wanted to help the husband cheer up. We had explained why we were going and what happened and she understood, maybe too well… When the husband walked up to us he said his wife was “sleeping with the baby Jesus” D looked at him and said “No she isn’t. She’s dead!” I felt awful but he laughed.
Some of these belong in Reader’s Digest.
When my daughter was about four years old, we tried to introduce her to performing chores like cleaning her room and putting away her clothes.
Having been spoiled by grandparents from birth, she folded her arms defiantly, turned away, and plopped herself on the couch with the exclamation:
“I will not be treated like a poor old Cinderella in the house.”
@hebegebe Did “not-Cinderella” ever change her mind? 
My kid wasn’t that young when this happened, but it’s still funny.
I’m guessing he was about 12.
We were in the car, and for some reason I told him something like “I think you need to MYOB.”
He then said “I think you should ■■■■.” (Ouch - and my kids don’t normally cuss, even now at 24 and 26).
When my S was in preschool, he asked the teacher for something to drink. She told him that he’d have to wait, so he went into the bathroom, took his shoe off and filled it with water. He’s always been a great problem solver!
At age 4, in a major Southern city, my daughter stated during rush hour traffic that we were lucky to drive in the HIV lane. I told her it was the HOV lane, but she repeated it ALL the time for as couple of years. Thank goodness it was only me in the car with her all the time.
I was picking out daughter up from daycare when she was about 3, and she started singing, loudly and off tune, as most toddlers do, “POLICE LOLLIPOP, POLICE LOLLIPOP”, and for the life of me I could not figure out what she was singing.
Then it finally dawned on me.
It was her version of “Feliz Navidad”…
Every time I open this thread, there’s always something to give me chuckle!
LOL @MWolf !
I remember being super worried when D was a pre-schooler that Finding Nemo would be too sad for her because the mom dies. (I was totally traumatized by Bambi so was having flashbacks and projecting). She loved that movie and watched it a million times with absolutely no issues. Years later, she told me she thought the mommy went on vacation. It never crossed her mind that she had been eaten by the shark
My son had a friend from preschool over and when they seemed a little too quiet, I found that they had unwrapped my tampons and were pretending they were rockets. My son’s friend asked if he could keep “his” rocket ships and I said “Sure!”
@Massmomm - your story reminded me of a trip we took to my grandparents when my guys were young. They were upstairs playing as kids do at my grandma’s house. It’s where she kept her game/toy closet and tons of things were in there to keep all ages amused. However, when I went upstairs I found them with one of my aunt’s bras (she had left it in an open laundry basket in a “center” room). They were trying their best to figure out exactly how the cool slingshot was supposed to work!
When my now 29 year old was about 5 or 6, he asked me about the sign in our neighborhood which warned drivers to drive ‘Slow, children!’ He asked me why the government needed to tell drivers that there were children in the neighborhood who weren’t very smart.