Please someone, mods, lock and pin this thread before it devolves into yet another “there are reasons for going to a elite school that any parent should be willing to shell out any amount of cash for” vs “state U is great, no reason to go anywhere else, it’s all the same” thread.
@albert69 that’s not what I was saying at all and I don’t want to start any kind of argument! I’m just trying to legitimize the feelings of my peers, like I said. I don’t think people are able to shell out any amount cash for college, I’m not stupid. I just feel like parents often mistake a kid wanting to go somewhere where they feel like they’d be comfortable and happy for a kid who wants to go somewhere that will impress their friends. I don’t think that’s a fair assessment. Please don’t shoot down my honest discussion as something that needs to be locked down! This is what I mean when I say you parents often forget that we’re real people with legitimate emotions who can say legitimate things
One thing to remember is that the Ivies + Stanford & MIT give the most money. Out of the schools my kid was accepted to, Princeton would cost us the least followed by MIT, JHU, Rice, Duke, UT and most expensive was WUSTL. Initially, not one penny from UT until a $2,000 engineering scholarship magically arrived.
By all means, apply to schools with lower costs, just be aware that many private elite schools will end up costing almost nothing.
Plus, if your child is a NMSF, he/she can get a free education from many good schools like UT-Dallas. They even give you an $8000 stipend annually.
@lalalemma, please, read what you’re reading rather than what you’re reacting to. I don’t know where you’re getting the vibe from comments on this thread that teenagers’ opinions ought to be dismissed; this thread was developed as a bit of a reality check on the sometimes-unrealistic ideas about college attendance and cost and such that, yes, teenagers but also adults have.
(I don’t know if you feel like you haven’t been heard in your own personal situation or if you’re reacting to something more general, but really, what you’re saying seems a bit misplaced here.)
@albert69 Just who are you to decide that the current discussion has no merit. Nobody has said either of those things.
You read a post and attribute things to it that aren’t there. Keep an open mind.
You’re just a kid! At times you seem quite intelligent, but at times, you are borderline disrespectful. See if you can participate in a discussion respectfully. If you disagree, do so respectfully. I think you can. At least try. It demeans you to have such an arrogant attitude.
@dfbdfb The thread is called “An honest letter from mom” which I think is a pretty clear indication that it’s directed at kids. The letter and some of the comments were suggesting that kids want to apply to certain schools either because they have a lot of prestige or because they’re trendy among their peers, which sounds like a stereotypical shallow, teenager-y thing. I don’t think that that’s the whole story and I just wanted to give a voice to my peers. All I’ve done is state my honest opinion, and now I’ve been told that I’m misinterpreting, the thread should be locked, and that I should be reading over my comments (which I’ve been doing, and I still don’t see anything wrong with them). I don’t think I’m the one who’s overreacting.
@ClassicRockerDad - just want to clarify, was the last part of your comment directed at albert69 or me?
@lalalemma Me. It’s just that I think people are taking this far too seriously. It’s supposed to be lighthearted.
Only if you’re predisposed to read it that way—cf. the “Mommy Wars”, which are pretty much adult-to-adult things.
Anyway, I’m done with this subthread. I thought the original conversation was interesting, and would be happy to get back into that discussion.
Well yes, I am predisposed to believe that a letter addressed “To my dear son or daughter” is addressed to a kid rather than an adult.
(But, since we were on the topic of the usage of the word mom, I think it’s also worth noting that “And honest letter from mom” reads a lot differently than “An honest letter from a mom.”)
I think all children who intend to apply to colleges need to understand how it will be ultimately paid for. For most students this means a major commitment from Mom and Dad. Only parents can let their children know how much they are willing to contribute (how much they’re able may not be any of the child’s business depending on how you view things). The child in question seems to be under the illusion that so long as she is accepted that the funds will be there for her to attend. The letter seems to be a letter this parent would write to her child if this situation were hers. It is also a situation many who are sending their precocious child off too a university and are tempted to spend far more money than they can afford might benefit from seeing.
I would also suggest that the immediate worry about having to move home with one’s parents for a while after college pales in comparison to the worries parents may have about what their lives might look like in retirement. Yes, it’s important to invest in a good education, but at a certain point, you’re not buying that much of a difference in your future (as someone pointed out elsewhere, the secret ingredient is the individual, not the institution). Foregoing a dream school in favor of something more affordable may bring other dreams within reach (or make other burdens less daunting). Think big picture.
Your posts are so refreshing!
But, mom & dad, it’s NYU!
You have to worry about their fiHmm, this thread is a few months old, but @lalalemma, ask yourself: why do you think that you’d be comfortable and happy only at (or more at) certain schools? For that matter, why should “comfortable and happy” (as opposed to, say, challenge and growth, which could come from going to an environment where you do not see yourself) be the goal?
Mind you, I know where you’re going from, because when I was your age, I cared a lot about fit and wanted what I wanted. I’ve come to realize though that that’s because I was like most teenagers; insecure about my place in the world and so empowerment/self-affirmation came from being able to decide and make myself by the college that I go to.
I’ve come to realize though that that it is in large part due to marketing jobs, and you don’t have to wrap your identity around your school. I know that that is easy to say but tough to internalize as a teenager (when you get older, you can take pride from many more aspects: being a parent, your work, your experience as well as your schools; my identity certainly isn’t wrapped up with the company I work for).
Even as a teenager, though, you can take pride in other things: a cause or being someone who’s earned a lot of merit money and so contributed to the family bottom line. When you do something, is it to reach the “prize” of getting in to certain colleges, or for a greater reason? What would happen if the first goal was removed (so you will go to the same college or CC or no college regardless of what you do). What would drive you?
And as @porcupine98 said, think big picture. Money your parents spend on your college is money that can not go elsewhere. Life often comes down to tradeoffs. If you could choose, would you choose a dream college and financial insecurity for your parents, where they and you have to worry about their financial security in their retirement, or a cheaper college but your parents have less worries?
I somehow missed this thread originally, but its reappearance is timely. I’m sure there are many students who come from comfortable homes, if not wealthy ones, who do think that only “top” schools will do, both for their educations and for years down the road due to name recognition, prestige, all of that. But my D goes to a school where many of the kids don’t have that luxury. I know it’s commonly put out there on CC that lower income kids get to go to college “for free”, but that isn’t true for many of them, not even at the “meets full need” schools, not even for high stats kids.
So D has friends with great stats going to one of the very decent state U’s instead of a “top” school. Maybe they’ll transfer, maybe they won’t. But chances are they’ll do fine no matter what, since they have internships, and projects and great grades to speak to their talents.
One of D’s closest friends had some financing fall through at the last minute and her ability to go to her “dream school” was dashed. Now, she could have whined that her parents could have done better to pay her way, or that her friend was going to a “better” school, but instead, she picked up the phone and called a 2nd choice here in-state to see if she might still attend. They said she could, AND they tossed in some additional merit money. With the scholarships she already had, money from her 3 summer jobs and a couple of yard sales and a GoFundMe, her education will be very affordable. And she left for her 2nd choice with a smile on her face.
To the young people who think peer pressure or pressure to attend only “top” schools is the way to go-like Purple Titan said-look at the bigger picture. Some kids have no choice but to do so-but you, too, can learn how.
@PurpleTitan I don’t entirely understand why you’re opening up this conversation again. I get that you’re trying to be a helpful parent, and I thank you for that, but you’re coming off as extremely patronizing. I feel you are misunderstanding the comments I made before. Since you don’t know anything about me other than a few things I said on the internet, you are making assumptions and saying a lot of things that just don’t apply to me. I don’t want to go into specifics on this thread because I don’t think it needs to be reopened, but please don’t assume you know my situation just because you were my age once etc.
@sseamom I am glad that that is a decision that worked for your daughter’s friend, and I do think many kids can learn from that! But I think you are mistaking what me and other posters on this thread said about wanting a good fit for wanting prestige and wanting to attend a “top school.” I think those are two very different things. I’m personally not that interested in “top schools,” despite the pressure - which comes far more from the adults in my life than from my peers - to attend one.
Well, we had the financial limit talk with D and she was not “turned off” by it. She went on from there, and has found some schools that fit within her financial and academic parameters, and seem to be a “good fit” for her. She has visited most, and likes them. These are all LACs and mid-sized publics that are not the flagship, btw.
But D is also more frugal than her parents are, sometimes. At times like this, I’m glad for it.
And yes, some students are counting on getting a scholarship to a regional public or small LAC no one’s ever heard of, just to be able to attend college at all.