An honest letter from mom

College Search & Lists
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To my dear son or daughter,
As you start to look at colleges, I feel the need to have a frank discussion with you. You’re not home right now, out with your friends. So allow me to put my thoughts into writing.

You know that Dad and I love you to death. And there’s almost nothing we have that we wouldn’t give you and your siblings, gladly. You’re such a great kid-- bright and kind and caring, and we forsee great things in your future.

But there’s one thing we do have that we’re not willing to give up: our retirement. We’ve worked a lifetime, gotten up and gone to work with bronchitis and toothaches, in snowstorms and rainstorms, had days that made us cry and days that made us want to quit. And of course we haven’t quit, knowing that we had to provide for you and your siblings, and that some day we would be too old to work and would need money for retirement.

That nest egg is nowhere near where it should be. There were repairs to the cars and the house, and the misfortune of an entire family that needed braces. And some medical bills that took our breath away and some vacations full of memories that will warm our hearts when you kids are all out of the house. But we do have a little saved, and we’re hoping and praying that it will eventually be enough to keep us from being a burden to you.

As you begin to look at colleges, we NEED you to keep the bottom line in mind. As much as it hurts to type these words, we simply cannot afford a lot of the colleges we know would love to admit you. If you can get Merit aid, great. But keep in mind that there are thousands of wonderful schools in this country, and that you’re good enough and smart enough to get a fabulous education at so many of them. Some of the kids at school will be concentrating on the big ticket colleges. And if you get into them, and can get enough merit aid to make them do-able, then great. But, if not, then you may have to lower your expectations a little. You may need to go to community college for two years, or to a state school, or to a lesser known school that brings with it a lower price tag.

We know that your potential is unlimited. But, unfortunately, our bank account is not. And we will not, we can not, mortgage our future so that you can attend the school that will impress your friends. Yes, even if you really, really, want to go there. Even if they really, really think they would be a great fit. We can only afford what we can afford.

As you begin your college search, please keep that bottom line in mind. We would hate for you to fall in love with a school that you have no hope of being able to attend, whether or not you get accepted.

Love,
mom

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I love this.

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Hear, hear!

4

The funny thing is that I didn’t write it to my own son-- he’s got a list of schools that, while not “affordable” are most probably “doable.”

I wrote it after speaking to my friend. Her daughter has the classic “champagne taste on a beer budget”. My friend repeatedly tells her that dad will NOT be getting a third job to finance her college, but the young lady still has visions that simply will not come true.

5

Well, tell your friend to invoke the Parent Pick rule…lol. Parents pick a couple of schools that the student must apply to…those should be financial safeties in this kid’s case. Plus, the parents can also invoke the “we won’t pay for more than a couple of apps to schools that aren’t likely affordable” rule.

In the meantime, the parents can run the NPCs of the “champagne schools”, see the results, and clearly state that the schools expect the parents to pay X, but the parents can only pay Y. Also, make it clear that the student can only borrow $5500, and the parents will never cosign add’l loans.

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Love this @bjkmom !

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we’re not just shallow and looking to puff up to our friends. we’re survivalists. we have no idea what our prospects will be out of college. we feel like if we don’t have the pedigree and the great credentials, we’ll be back home after graduation and burden you more than the cost of our educations. we’re basically just scared.

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I vote this letter be plastered on the homepage of CC. A must read for every high school student with an unaffordable dream school in their sights.

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Excellent post bjkmom. If a student has the credentials to make it into an expensive elite college, they probably have the stats to get substantial merit scholarships from a financially feasible college.

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I was on board until this.

While I sympathize with your financial constraints (and would never write this letter myself), you would be in denial if you try to claim that the only benefits of attending an elite college or university are superficial and social.

If you really want to express what you are expressing, just take this out.

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I’m not going to get into the whole prestige thing…that’s the subject of several different threads.

But I’ll stand by my comments, at least for the personi had in mind when I wrote the post.

And I won’t pretend for a moment that the only way to avoid " being a burden" to your parents is to attend a college that’s so expensive it eats up your parents retirement.

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i think you may be out of touch with the anxieties and pressures of being a student, as much as students are unable to comprehend or accept that their parents can’t afford their ivy league educations. maybe tone down the guilt, and introduce affirmative statements that lend credibility to the idea that going to the second rate school is better.

convince me that that school that everybody jeers is better for me without bringing up finances. nothing will turn a teenager off faster. you may not be able to completely transform the disappointment, but you may be able to turn a state school into something wonderful without contempt, guilt, or cynicism.

and frankly yeah, calling or insinuating that your student is shallow and selfish isn’t really constructive. what will they say? “you don’t understand.” and maybe they’d have a point.

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I was thinking more along the lines of faculty resources per student along with extremely challenging peers to learn from. I always learn a lot from people smarter than me. For the merit scholar, that community may be smaller than is ideal. Depends on the situation. I hope your child finds a good one.

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@ClassicRockerDad Did you read OP’s post that said she wasn’t writing this to her own kid, but with a kid of a friend in mind?

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Another vote to paste this up on CC. ^^^As far as being out of touch with students, most of us replying have kids who have gone through this recently. I think it all boils down to having these types of discussions with your kids starting at an early age. We started talking to our kids when they were young as part of the whole discussion on why it is important to keep grades up so that they would have choices later on. Our kids knew from the start that there were financial limitations and that if they wanted an education on their terms they would have to work hard at school so that they had as many choices as possible. They also knew that working hard did not guarantee automatic admissions or merit scholarships and that in the end their choices might be limited by finances. As a result, our kids had very realistic lists and were not disappointed. What is so sad is that we know several parents who are taking college funds out of their retirement and are going to end up either working longer to replace those funds or living very frugally after retirement. Great letter bjkmom!

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Maybe it shows my State U experiences, but unlike ClassicRockerDad, I didn’t read the expression “school that will impress your friends” as referring specifically to elite colleges and universities. I read it as simply referring to whatever college/university happens to be the hot favorite of the student’s gang of high school pals. For high schoolers in New Jersey, that could very well be an unaffordable Penn State U instead of the much-maligned but affordable Rutgers.

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@optimisticky wrote: “i think you may be out of touch with the anxieties and pressures of being a student, as much as students are unable to comprehend or accept that their parents can’t afford their ivy league educations. maybe tone down the guilt, and introduce affirmative statements that lend credibility to the idea that going to the second rate school is better.”

This sounds like we should just be totally fine with the existence of this sort of peer pressure, without taking a stand against it. I’m not okay with that.

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@dfbdfb but the point is it’s not about peer pressure! We’re not just shallow non-persons who just want things because our peers think they’re cool! High school is really stressful for plenty of other reasons besides peer pressure. A lot of students are just looking forward to the day when all the hard, stressful work will pay off. The college process is a really exciting for us kids because there’s all these schools and we get to pick which we feel like will be the best for us individually - very unlike high school, where you’re thrown together with a bunch of hormonal teens and you have no control over what type of people they are. You have to understand why it’s legitimately crushing for kids when they’re told that their parents can only afford a state school. It’s not just because of peer pressure at all.

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@lalalemma—I think you misinterpreted. Peer pressure does not equate to being “just shallow non-persons who just want things because our peers think they’re cool”. Peer pressure means doing things because it matches peer norms. That’s not shallow, that’s being human, and like most human things it can be good or bad. But—peer pressure that results in something quite good by pretty much any measure (e.g., going to a state school) being interpreted as “legitimately crushing”? I’d argue that that’s some incredibly bad peer pressure right there.

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@dfbdfb No. Please read my comment again. There are lots of reasons why students would be interested in schools that aren’t state schools, even if they were isolated from their peers. Obviously state schools are great and students who go to them will be successful. What I’m saying is that it’s exciting when you find a place where you know everyone is really similar to you and the community is great and you love everything about it, and it can be disappointing when you’re told you can’t apply there because it’s too pricey. I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with state schools. I’m just trying to legitimize the emotions of my peers, who have reasons other than peer pressure for being interested in certain colleges. I know that peer pressure is human, but we are also real people with real emotion that has real logic behind it other than matching the norms of our peers. You parents often forget that.