Ivy League, Oxbridge, and student stress. If is bad but you must play the game, if you want to be a player. Given that my D got into her dream school, I am perfectly OK with the process. We know the separation is difficult in the age of helicopter parenting, but it always is. Anyone else have thoughts?
I would not be so sure that once in, the pressure abates as students take gen eds and sample majors.
The parents who don’t take kindly to philosophy rather than business studies are ignorant (or maybe this writer is for playing up that caricature). I don’t believe that all humanities & social science departments are rigorous and sharpen minds everywhere, but (analytic) philosophy would be and does.
@frazzled2thecore, once in the pressure certainly doesn’t abate. If anything it ratchets up in intensity in different ways. But that is life.
Hi @PurpleTitan. I think that we should support the trajectory our kids choose rather than try to control or shape it. Business isn’t for everyone.
@alcibiade, indeed. Though many kids can do well and have an interest in multiple fields.
@PurpleTitan where are your kids now? My d is in the UK, which forces her to focus on one subject, fortunately she was ready for it, but I do regret she can’t experiment more. She enters her final year in the fall.
@alcibiade, they’re not college-aged yet. We’ll be going through the search process in the future. I doubt the UK system would have changed much by then, but the US system may see more options/changes.
“Ivy League, Oxbridge, and student stress. If is bad but you must play the game, if you want to be a player”
-No need for any of the above, it is artificially created. The kids who are smart realize it easily and being “happy, go lucky” type with the attitude: “I will do fine anywhere” just attend at the places that make them feel at home. Since we are talking here about the very top caliber who would be at least considered for Ivy, ALL of these top kids will qualify for full tuition Merit awards at several colleges, public and private. So, they happily “glide” into one that fits them the best and successfully proceed to their next step after graduating (… with very high college GPA) from their respective colleges. I see many of these type around my D. and many of her friends (and she) are graduating from various Medical Schools this year.
Save all this “stress” to where/when it belongs. Plenty of it at Med. School, Law School, future job. No need whatsoever to artificially mount such stress on a very young shoulders of the high schooler. C’mon, this step should be easy and enjoyable, fun memories for whole family. At least that is how our family and many around us approach this process.
I disagree, at least for some kids. This is not to deny your family’s experience.
The stress begins earlier and earlier, you must choose to cope or not - and it isn’t for everyone. Sure, kids should go where they will be happy, but stretching themselves with all the anxiety that entails is how some people naturally thrive. After all, with the stress, can come great networks and work habits that will inform the rest of their lives, if that is what they want.
^Apparently, we and people around us have different phylosophy about success. There are real stress situations in life, many, many ahead, there is no reason to mount any kind of stress on the HS kid. College application is fun and memorable process that should bind a family closer. Kids around us are successful, many of my D’s friends will be called MD this weekend, it is plenty enough for us to acknowledge that the goal was reached. I guess many out there would still be dissapointed in something just to make sure that everybody is under stress.
@MiamiDAP I don’t mean to advocate stress for stress’ sake, of course, or naked ambition without soul. I am just arguing that it is a part of life and, if a kid chooses to deal with it for college applics, that’s fine (and vv). Our kids should pursue their passions or interests in their own ways.
My d expressed a desire to get into Oxbridge from age 11, a goal that did not come from us. We encouraged her, provided opportunities, and gave her an occasional push, but she pursued it completely of her own volition. After a rough junior year, she mobilized herself for a senior-year push with a singularity of purpose and got in. She now loves Cambridge and has definitely found a niche of inspiration, but the stress continues, and it can be extreme.
Interestingly, she went to public school in France and did not enter into the rat race we have observed from friends in the US (whose kids got into Ivies). She rarely worked more than 3 hours a night, slept enough, and worked steadily. In contrast, our friends’ kids often did 6 or more hours of work (much of it makework inho) in private schools that cost as much as college tuition, often going to sleep at 2 am, and cramming relentlessly. So there are degrees of stress that are definitely choices. Our son is very clear he does not want that kind of stress and we are fine with that.
I agree comlitely that stress is part of life, it is inevitable. However, doing this: “friends’ kids often did 6 or more hours of work (much of it makework inho) in private schools that cost as much as college tuition, often going to sleep at 2 am, and cramming relentlessly”
- is absolutely not necessary. My own D. went to private HS that happen to be #2 private in our state and she also graduated as #1 from this HS. She was as busy as one could be, in a sport that required 3 hrs commitment every night and on the weekends, played an instrument, and all other things which are normal for a happy go lucky kid who wants to try everything in her life. The rule in the house was - in bed at 10pm. This rule by her own admission (she is 25 and as I mentioned graduates from Med. School in 4 days) removed tons of stress from her life. I was very strict about it. I did not allow ANY homework after 10pm, she would not dare. This requires nothing but time management skills. And I have to add that if one does not develop time management skill by the time they enter college, I do not see them being successful at college. As busy as my D. and her friends were at their rigorous HS, the college student life is much much busier (and I am talking here about in-state public college).
Now they have a choice. That is why I said previously, one may CHOOSE to have stress at this point and one may CHOOSE not to. There are many many events in their future life when they will NOT HAVE A CHOICE about being stressed or not, they unavoidably will be under huge stress and pressure. As adults we are very aware of this. This is not the time though, now they have a choice.
To state what should be obvious: not every student admitted to selective schools is upper income or overparented.
If your child got in to HYPS etc. be prepared for prejudice!
@MiamiDAP then by your definition we chose less stress - reasonable hours, well managed time, etc. - but the pressure she put herself under was pretty intense. Congrats on med school, btw. My son says that’s what he wants, though it is undergrad in the UK.
@Compmom you are correct about prejudice. I don’t mention it often here because competitive parents can, shall we say, pile on.
alcibiade,
Thank you and hopefully your S. wil avoid all stress also with his decision!
KIds have a lot more success when you support their efforts and the pressure you put on them is to do their best, as opposed to measuring them by their peers.
Support and putting pressure do not belong in the same category. Many kids feel that the pressure on them is showing actually that they are NOT supported and loved UNCONDITIONALLY.