This is my response to the first Common App Prompt: a significant experience.
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The most obvious error is that it is too long, exceeding the 650 Common App word limit. I need serious help with that. Suggest some words in replace of long phrases.
Also, I found that making reference to a religious aspect is a risky move for conservative universities. I am applying to NYU Abu Dhabi. Although, New York University has a reputation for being open-minded, Abu Dhabi is set in a Muslim country. So I haven’t made any changes to my draft about that, but please make any suggestions as to how I can convey my message respectfully.
With the warnings all posted, I do not know why you posted your essay openly like this. I’m sure you could have asked for private readings and feedback.
First of all, your opening about your sister is completely disconnected from the rest of your essay. It feels almost as though you started writing one essay, changed your mind two paragraphs in, and wrote something completely different. I would just take out the italicized part and the paragraph that follows it.
Another problem I noticed is that you seem to be trying too hard, and a thesaurus appears to be your best friend. I want you to take a moment and think about this sentence: “Seven-year-old envious and economically-aware Pamela indignantly elucidated on a tangerine floral stationery.” It’s too much, and it confuses your message. Also, elucidated is not the correct word for this context. As for “tangerine:” are you referring to the scent or the color? I could say the same about the word “floral.” Is it an orange paper with flower designs? Is it an orange paper that smells like flowers?
“As I walked through foggy glass doors of an airport, I breathed humid misc-and-dukhoon-filled air, gazed at a starless black canvas for a sky and tall date trees and greeted men in kandoras.” This is a run on sentence. Clean it up.
Also, you totally misused the word “discerned.” I have no idea what definition you found, but that shouldn’t be the word to use there.
I like the overall theme and message of the story, but you are trying waayy too hard here, and it’s painfully obvious. I do not believe that you write/speak like this naturally because the difficult vocabulary contradicts your simple sentences. Not to mention that a lot of words are misused. Ask an English teacher to look at this, because it requires a lot of work in terms of the writing itself. Your content is fine (except for the bit about your sister. I still have no idea how that has anything to do with your essay).
By the way, you really shouldn’t have posted the full essay here.
I’m sorry I’m new here. I don’t know how to do that.
First of all, sorry, I’m new here… I don’t know how to privately post anything. I’ll take it down soon.
To clarify… I am Pamela. I wrote that letter to my parents telling them to not have another baby. The theme was how isolated I was being an only child but after my experience in the UAE, I found my non-biological brothers and sisters in the church group.
I have showed it to my English teacher and she has made necessary adjustments. And as hard it is to believe, I do write and talk like this naturally haha.
I do agree, however, that I give off a pretentious tone. I’ll take your comments into consideration. Thanks.