An update, an apology, and a huge THANK YOU

[thisyearsgirl]

<p>First of all, I want to thank everyone who responded to my thread a couple of weeks ago, dealing with some personal (family) issues. I was touched by the care and concern both in replies and in private messages. I’d also like to apologize for not responding to each message individually; I’ve been on vacation with my family, and internet access has been unreliable at best.</p>

<p>Since my last post, I’ve been researching personality disorders, trying to understand my mother’s behavior. Much of it felt like grasping at straws, but the traits of Borderline Personality Disorder are startlingly accurate. The diagnostic criteria is as follows (I’ve bolded parts that I felt were especially on target, and italicized things I’m not sure about, but that seem likely):

A pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image, and affects, and marked impulsivity beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:</p>

<p>(1) frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5.</p>

<p>(2) a pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.</p>

<p>(3) identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image of sense of self</p>

<p>(4) impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating). Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5.</p>

<p>(5) recurrent suicidal behaviors, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior</p>

<p>(6) affective instability = due to a **marked reactivity of mood<a href=“e.g.,%20intense%20episodic%20dysphoria,%20irritability,%20or%20anxiety%20usually%20lasting%20a%20few%20hours%20and%20only%20rarely%20more%20than%20a%20few%20days”>/b</a></p>

<p>(7) chronic feelings of emptiness</p>

<p>(8) inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)</p>

<p>(9) transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms

Regarding the second point, a quote from [this</a> essay](<a href=“Business Portal Department 411”>Business Portal Department 411) explains it in more detail (emphasis is, again, mine):

Most people with borderline traits see the world in purely black and white terms. Those who aren’t for them are against them. Since most of the world is truly grey (or colorful if you wish), the borderline is caught with a serious cognitive difficulty in a close relationship. If you do some little thing they don’t like then you can’t remain “all good”, with the black and white filter applied, you must therefore now be “all bad”. This is what leads to the shifting into the raging states that many borderlines experience. Some borderlines shift into a silent rage, where you get ignored comletely for a time. Once the feeling of betrayal has passed, they go back to seeing you as “all good” again, because, hey, you are actually mostly good. At this point the bad is forgotten (at least until the next “all bad” phase) and you are your wonderful worshipped self again. (Note that some people that also have NPD traits never quite get fully to the “you’re great” stage, but just to the “you’re sort of ok” stage.)

This fits in with the way that, if I disagree with an opinion of my mother’s, even cordially, she sees it as an attempt to antagonize her personally.</p>

<p>There seems to be a differentiation between “high-functioning” and “low-functioning” borderlines, with high-functioning ones being able to function more or less normally in society, showing traits of the disorder only in their closest relationships (because the fear of abandonment is stronger). They can be charming, social people, with successful careers. My mother would fit into this category. [This</a> essay is more specific.](<a href=“Business Portal Department 411”>Business Portal Department 411)</p>

<p>Please note, though, that I’m in no way treating this as an actual diagnosis. I’m only trying to make sense of an incredibly confusing situation.</p>

<p>I joined a mailing list for people affected by family members or significant others with BPD. Whether she has the disorder or not, the emotional impact is the same. The members there have been incredibly supportive, and generous in their advice.</p>

<p>As for “real life”, I’m doing my best to focus on the positives. I’m ready to go back to school next week, and I’m determined to make this year the best possible, both in terms of academics and extracurriculars. Emotionally, I’m trying to become more relaxed, and less unstable–my mother has her issues, but I can’t ignore my own responsibilities. I feel like I’ve gained a more optimistic outlook, and I can only hope that it’ll last.</p>

<p>Thank you for your support,
Anya</p>

[Northstarmom]

<p>Thank you for taking the time to update us.
There are some excellent books about dealing with borderline relatives. In addition, your college counseling center or a group like “Adult Children of Alcoholics” (which helps people whose parents are dysfunctional even if the parents are not alcoholic) could be helpful. You definitely have a lot of company in having a parent who is difficult.</p>

<p>Hugs to you. Best wishes on your school year.</p>

[marite]

<p>Anya:</p>

<p>I am so impressed by your attitude and your articulateness. Thank you for sharing your news, and best wishes for the new school year.</p>

[epiphany]

<p>There is an even more targeted support group out there for TYG’s situation. (Versus Adult Children of Alcoholics). It’s a group called ADMDA (Adult Children of Mentally Disturbed Adults). It deals specifically with the self-blame & inappropriate sense of responsibility such offspring naturally feel, as well as coming to terms with abandonment.</p>

<p>(Forgot to put that in my PM, tyg.) More hugs to you.</p>