<p>As you old timers know, as Ellebud, I have the most challenging in laws. While I know (and have read) so many of our stories about hurt/and cruelty here I haven’t really seen us survivors come out the other side.</p>
<p>I have read (privately and online) stories about weddings and get togethers where people were made to feel like garbage I need to finish up my part of the story.</p>
<p>My mil was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer about a year ago. She is still alive. Mil announced that even though she lived with her favorite son she wanted to die with her “family” This would be her brother and his kids. Yesterday Mr. Ellebud drove his mother, brother and sil to the airport. They were flying her “home” where she would be revered as the person who “made it.”</p>
<p>My kids did a run to the house to say good bye. They knew that it was a nice thing to do. But they didn’t care. My husband is sad, but not for the reasons that one thinks. He is sorry that he would never receive what he wanted and needed from a mother.</p>
<p>And as for me…I am the person who would have called weekly (which I did until MIL called me a conniving K…and told me never call her again…which I have been happy to oblige her by not calling). And as a note: I am to be a mother in law soon. My future dil is exactly what I wanted: a young woman who adores my son, and he her. That was my starting point: and yes I truly like her. </p>
<p>So…to all of us who have been through this…In the end we do have the family that we make and hold dear.</p>
<p>Even though, as the saying goes, you can’t pick your relatives, you can still choose how to behave with them and how much to interact with them.</p>
<p>Congratulations, ellebud, for having come out the other side older, wiser, and infinitely more patient.</p>
<p>Give your wonderful husband lots of support, as he never got what he wanted/needed. Wonderful kids, to go out of their way to say “goodbye”. You all gave her respect that she didn’t deserve.</p>
<p>Even though I didn’t get all that I wanted from my father growing up, and chose college and career path that allowed me to be financially independent, I got all the love and praise in his later years. Closure for me, but none for your husband. Now it is time for her brother to take over. I wonder what trials await his wife and kids.</p>
<p>Ellebud, you are a classy lady and brought up classy children. I know that you will be a lovely MIL and I guess in the end that is all you can be. </p>
<p>So sorry for your H but he chose his wife well and I am sure his children feel the love he should have had. May he feel peace. </p>
<p>I do not know the demons your MIL had to behave how she did, but as she is at the end of her life she will not wear out her welcome in her new home.</p>
<p>I too am dealing with family issues and have read many stories here. It just makes me sad. We have no control over how others behave , only ourselves. Elle you have always held yourself above it, and taken the high road. I admire you, she seems like a cruel prejudiced woman. Although your husband did not get the love he needed from his mother, he has a wonderful family tat loves him and that is the ointment he needs.</p>
<p>You’ve behaved with dignity and that’s the best anyone can do. You can’t make sense out of nonsense. People like your MIL have serious problems.</p>
<p>which I did until MIL called me a conniving K…</p>
<p>I hope that K word isn’t what I think it is. If so, then she is really sick in the head.</p>
<p>Somehow I’ve missed your past posts with the back story about your MIL. However, this post paints a pretty sad picture and it is enough to understand the gist of the situation. My Husband has a similar situation with his parents (esp his mom). </p>
<p>For 9 years, we were the only one of the siblings to have children. Our children were there only grandchildren. 6 months after our 4th was born, my SIL (my husband’s sister and the only girl) gave birth. He was speaking with his mom shortly after the birth and his mom actually said to him, “Now I feel like a grandmother.” I still remember the hurt in his voice as he told me about the conversation with this mother. So very sad.</p>
<p>Ellebud; there is a reason your husband chose you…and I think it was because you epitomised all that his mother did not. I never understood how my mil could be the way she was and it was hurtful at the time; but her passing caused little distress to all of us in her orbit…the main emotion was sadness for what she had missed because of the way she was.</p>
<p>You have been gracious beyond belief and a wonderful example to your children. As MIL goes into her final months, you have shown character and tolerance.<br>
I’m sure you have been thinking about this, but does your DH have a non-alaigned person to talk with or a therapist? Best friend, whatever? He’s got to have some baggage despite knowing he has made the right choices.</p>
<p>First: thank you all for the kind words. I hope that I did, in fact, act like a lady. I know that I tried to protect our children by not visiting (or talking) to all the family on his side. </p>
<p>I have read so many times here about wedding/family events/shunning of a parent or grandparent/child shunning. This is the kind of hurt that will stay.</p>
<p>Oh and yes, the K word is the one that you are thinking about.</p>
<p>Hugs to your husband for feeling such a sorry lack of love from his own mother. What an awful waste that is, and we should really be feeling sorry for her for making such stupid and limiting choices but my compassion is with you, your husband, your children and everyone else that the mean lady has hurt.</p>
<p>She will pass on and all of you will feel a little lighter and more free as the burden of her poison leaves you. </p>
<p>And if that K word is what I’m thinking it is - remember it had simple origins as just the Yiddish word for “circle”, since illiterate Jews preferred to sign their names at Ellis Island as a circle rather than an X.</p>
<p>Thank you all. I wish for all of us with difficult families peace. I have read here (and in real life) so many stories…Zooserman (and the wedding) and a few others whom I’ve exchanged pms all of us have stories.</p>
<p>Yes, I hope that I will be a good mil. Our son is engaged to a lovely girl. She lights up when she talks about him. I love how she talks about him…although both girls think that she is confused our son with someone else. </p>
<p>I like the information about the K word. I had no idea that the k word came from Ellis Island. But yes, she called my then unborn son a GrandK… MIL got that from sil. I was amazing calm…but there it was.</p>
<p>ellebud - I have read many of your posts and you really are such a classy person to have risen above this. You can be happy inside and at peace with yourself as you never sank to the level of your inlaws. You are going to be a wonderful MIL!</p>
<p>Thank you FallGirl…really. Being a future mil I walk softly. My future dil wants a religious ceremony… (not Orthodox) When my son (who would be fine with a 5 minute walk down the aisle, kiss and then dinner) started in with why…I simply said that will make her happy. And, that will make all the difference.</p>
<p>Two women come to the rabbi dragging a young man. One says, “He’s my son-in-law!” The other says, “No, he’s MY son-in-law!”</p>
<p>The rabbi strokes his beard and says, “I learned from King Solomon that there’s only one way to resolve this. We’ll cut him in half, and you can each take half.”</p>
<p>The first woman cries, “No, don’t do it! She can have him!” The second says, “Yeah, yeah, good idea! Cut him in half!”</p>
<p>The rabbi points at the second woman and says, “THAT’S the mother-in-law!”</p>
<p>bev - the meaning I told was from an illuminating book called “Wicked Words - a treasury of curses, insults, put-downs, and other formerly unprintable terms from Anglo-Saxon times to the present” by Hugh Rawson. He quoted from “the Joy of Yiddish” for that word (and probably many others). </p>
<p>It’s an interesting dictionary, to say the least!</p>