<p>A couple of months ago, I read a review in an issue of Atlantic Monthly magazine of the book, “Testimony” by Anita Shreve. In addition to reviewing the book, the reviewer talked generally about what she thought were teenage girls’ real feelings about “hook-up” culture, and she recommended that parents of teenage girls give their daughters this book to read. I bought the book and read it first, and then a second time. While it is a well-written and riveting book of fiction about a sexual encounter between a 14-year-old freshman girl and three older boys at a New England boarding school, I still cannot figure out why I would want to give this to my 15-year-old daughter to read. Have any parents of teenage girls read this book, and have your daughters read it? What did you think?</p>
<p>No teenage daughters here, and I haven’t read the book, but I can’t imagine giving it to a young girl. If I had a daughter and thought she had an issue with promiscuity, I would be taking her to therapy rather than giving her a book to read.</p>
<p>NYmomof2 - I find your reply truly offensive. How can anyone possibly read into my post that my daughter has, or that I think she has, an “issue with promiscuity?”</p>
<p>Oldtimeyfan, I wasn’t implying anything of the sort! But looking at my post, I can see how you could have read it that way. My thought was that the only reason for giving that kind of book to a daughter would be a concern about her participating in the kind of activities described in the book. From there I leapt to the sentence about better ways to deal with such concerns. I did not have your daughter in mind; I was speculating about the reviewer’s reasons for making what I found a strange recommendation.</p>
<p>I am so sorry for being ambiguous!</p>
<p>I understand your hesitation to give your D the book. I think too much detail can be harmful for a girl not yet involved in heavy dating/hooking up. There are other non-fiction books dealing with self-respect and the hook-up culture which might be more appropriate.</p>
<p>Some girls who are innocent just feel uncomfortable or somehow inadequate if they are inundated with a long list of detailed examples of sexual activity before thay have even begun to date. </p>
<p>Trust yourself to know how much detail your daughter seeks now.</p>
<p>I did read the book and thought it might make a good cautionary tale for boys going off to college. It seems pretty raw for a 14-year-old. I’m not sure why any parent would have a child read a book about this rather than talking about it. (FWIW, the girl in the book does not come off looking too good. . .)</p>
<p>I haven’t read the Shreve book, but I would think that if it grapples with the emotional and moral issues raised by the encounter it could be very worthwhile. Some of the popular YA literature widely read by teen girls includes such encounters but without emotional or moral context. For example, in the first book of the Pretty Little Liars series, two of the four suviving protagonists, high school juniors, have sex with adult men, in one case a fellow who turns out to be her English teacher and the other with her sister’s medical school student boyfriend, presented as a problem only because the man his her sister’s boyfriend and because they are found out. The mother of one of the other protagonists has sex with a very young police officer the daughter recognizes as a contemporary of her friends’ older sibs at school in order to get the daughter off on charges of shoplifting and crashing a car while drunk – or perhaps for fun, hard to tell. This is all presented as light and frothy entertainment; my sense is that if Anita Shreve explores the encounter in a way that seems genuine and has some depth, it would be a good foil to some of the other literature that’s out there and aimed at 15 yo readers.</p>
<p>I am glad that I do not like to read, neither my D. Avoided some waste of time, for sure.</p>
<p>MiamiDAP – I’m sure that there are some books out there that you would love and find moving and enlightening. Maybe just not the ones we’re talking about here…</p>
<p>Disclaimer: I have not read Testimony by Anita Shreve, so I am completely unfamiliar with the plot and characters, and I do not know what age kid it would be appropriate to share the book with.</p>
<p>However, I have had some really good discussions with my teenage daughter that were triggered by the topic or issues involved in a book she and/or I were reading. When discussion is triggered by a book, it it a lot easier for us to talk freely and comfortably about an issue, rather than one of us bringing the subject up out of the blue and the other one wondering why this subject is being broached at this time. Discussion spurred by a book, plot line or character is not interpretted (by her) as a lecture or accusation, or (by me) as reason for suspicion or concern. D appreciates being treated as an adult and asked her opinion on the issue, and I get a chance to talk about why I feel the way I do.</p>
<p>Also, even if you are sure your daughter is not sexually active (and she probably is not), I guarantee you that she knows girls her age who are – which means you should not delay talking to her about these issues.</p>
<p>Again, I know nothing about this book in particular, but I have successfully used books as openings for discussions with my teenage D about sensitive issues about which I particularly wanted her to know how I felt.</p>
<p>The 14-year-old girl in the book comes across as shallow and venal and certainly not someone my D would want to emulate. The first chapter in the book goes into graphic detail about the sexual encounter, which is one of the reasons I would not feel comfortable having DD read it. Plus, the encounter is taped, and in the first chapter the headmaster is viewing the tape, and the girl involved seems either happy during the encounter or is simulating happiness and ecstasy, and I don’t want DD picking that up in the wrong way. The rest of the book relates the evolving tragedy following the event going beyond the teenagers involved. The plot is supposed to be loosely based on an actual similar event that took place in a private high school some time before. For adults looking for a good read, I’d recommend it.</p>
<p>Do most of you censor what your D’s read?
Two of my three kids love to read. They read whatever they want. I have read some of the stuff my just 16 yr old has read and I find some of it disturbing but much of the young adult genre is. My D loves Ellen Hopkins. One of the books I read centered around several kids who were in a facility for mental health issues and suicide.</p>
<p>No, I don’t censor what my teenagers read, but there is a difference between not censoring and giving them a book and telling them to read it.</p>
<p>Ditto, mamabear.</p>
<p>I never censored what my kids read, but the things I chose to use for parent-child talks about sex were not lurid descriptions of teen orgies, but things that seemed more realistic. My favorite was really the movie Before Sunrise – very sweet and positive depiction of two early-twenty-somethings picking each other up and deciding whether to have sex when they are probably never going to see each other again. It was enough removed from my kids lives when they saw it (in their middle teens) so that it wasn’t threatening to them to talk about it, but close enough so they could really project themselves into the roles. Also, I remember a great conversation about what was wrong with the depictions of teen sexuality in the later Harry Potter books, how J.K. Rowling was betraying her characters in order to avoid losing a younger audience. Or talking about Philip Pullman’s attitude toward teen sex in The Amber Spyglass.</p>
<p>I am not familiar with the book but I do know that the “hook-up” culture seems to be common in colleges. A former student was visiting a few weeks ago and I asked her to frankly talk with my daughter, who will soon be heading out to college. She shared about how too many guys in college think it is perfectly okay to “hook-up” with girls - no dates, no wooing, no commitment. Obviously, this wouldn’t be so common without girls condoning it by participating in it. She also stressed how the guys will look you right in the eye, lie and tell you they care just to get into your pants. </p>
<p>Now, this is a girl who has been in a long-term relationship since high school and broke up with her boyfriend to date others to “make-sure” he was the one. It didn’t take long before she decided there were a lot of jerks out there and that her old boyfriend was way better. They are back together now and she is working at patching up the hurt.</p>
<p>If my daughter and her long-term and very nice boyfriend end up breaking up I really hope my daughter meets another nice guy, as I know they exist. Personally, I am a little apprehensive after listening to my former student.</p>
<p>I read the book. Didn’t like and see no reason to recommend it to anyone.</p>
<p>There was sex in “The Amber Spyglass”? I missed it. Must have been a real quickie. Gotta read it again.</p>
<p>In “The Amber Spyglass,” when Lira and her young man lose their innocence, their damens settle into their final form.</p>
<p>We found “Amber Spyglass” provide some interesting discussions about religion.</p>
<p>If you want to talk about the hook up culture with a daughter, Wolfe’s “I Am Charlotte Simmons” certainly can provide some intro to the subject.</p>
<p>Another good book about a young woman learning about life and sex is Sittenfield’s “Prep.”</p>
<p>I believe in teens having information when they need it, but I also believe it is irresponsible to take away their innocence prematurely.</p>
<p>Our HS does a survey of ALL kids, 9-12th grade, every year, and some of the questions are brutal, if you’re a 9th grader who hasn’t started thinking about some aspects of sex & drugs. I’m aware there are some kids in the HS who do exhibit of the risky behaviors, and the powers that be need to know what’s going on, but really…I know I would have been shocked if I had been asked some of the questions at that age.</p>