I have acquired the book, and plan to post again after I have read it. 
Yea, âtwo body problemâ could be true of engineering couples and many other two-job combos.
âI will also mention that mothers with engineering degrees seem over-represented within the autism communityâ There may be something to that⊠for mothers and fathers (but more based on genetics than the work itself).
http://www.disabilityscoop.com/2014/05/20/parents-work-autism/19380/
thanks, @colorado_mom - I have been aware for some time that professionals who collect information about parental education and occupation have seen the connection, but it is always interesting to me to read the comments.
Years ago (actually decades ago) a very well-known professional with an MD degree wrote in a report that the majors that H and I had pursued in college as well as our subsequent career direction, were typical of parents presenting with this type of child.
I found it patronizing and even offensive at the time, and angrily thought of many peers I had gone to school with and in similar occupations, some socially awkward, who did NOT have autistic children. It did not seem fair that they got to laugh at their personality quirks, while H and I mulled over every single one of ours and wondered out loud whether we had been selfish in wanting children.
Perhaps I was being overly defensive and even a tad unfair though, since I myself told lots of people that I was surprised to go to a support group and find so many women who had majored in the hard sciences/engineering.Or perhaps the good doc could have phrased this differently.
I have no clue whether or not itâs true, but if indeed it were proven that the same genetic tendencies that predispose one to a science/engineering career predispose one to having a higher rate of autistic children, it would seem to be odd that a scientist who prides himself or herself on âjust the facts, maâamâ would be offended by that.
I probably would not have been offended if it had been stated as part of âjust the factsâ alongside family history of physical and mental illness, or learning disabilities. That is what is now standard practice. Interestingly, I did not answer in the affirmative for several relatives who had been diagnosed with depression (also now believed by some to be a risk factor for autism)- there was stigma back then, and I didnât know.
I would add that at the time, many professionals seemed to believe that autism was very rare, high-functioning autism was even less common, and that any genetic contribution was negligible. It was all in parenting âskillsâ or presumed lack thereof, and a parent with this type of education was presumed to lack parenting skills or empathy.
When we have gone over reports with agencies (these tend to be cumulative) we have been asked if there are any turns of phrases from old reports that we wanted revised. I had this pared down to a matter of fact statement several years ago, and that is what anyone new working with my child will see.
There is also an historical context to this beginning with the ârefrigerator motherâ theory, and anyone who is interested can read Neurotribes. Another interesting book to read is Roy Grinkerâs Unstrange Minds. Roy Grinker is an anthropologist and also a parent. Iirc, his father was a child psychiatrist, and his wife is also a child psychiatrist.
I suppose we are getting OT here.
I will read the AMS book and I would read frazzledâ book if she ever publishes it.
Something AMS touched upon was the idea of doing career relevant volunteer work during time away from the workforce. Having been a SAHM for 10 or so years, I did not feel it was very realistic. For the most part volunteer jobs just donât work at a level that will be seen by an employer as anything equivalent to workplace experience. In my experience itâs a large stretch to think that being PTA treasurer, auditing the books for the a volunteer group, etc will be much like working in corporate finance.
There may be a few volunteer jobs that might work out that way but I would say very few and I imagine the are in high demand.
Not in my opinion. One thing the book emphasizes is the need to change societal attitudes towards caregivers. In a world where we blame the caregivers for the problems of those for whom they care, it is pretty easy not to care about the caregivers or feel any responsibility for them.
I am too old and way too tired and worn out for the mommy wars. Iâm a veteran. However, I did finally decide to respond to this PG.
Probably you didnât mean to compare retirement to being a SAHparent. and Iâm sure you didnât mean to devalue the life work of SAHparents. However, it might read that way to someone who hasnât been following your posts for years, like I have.
I thought about listing all the tasks many of the SAHparents I know have done and continue to do, even in their âretirementâ as caregivers of not only their nuclear families, but their extended families, and their neighbors, but it would take so many pages and might really be off topic. Basically I see these individuals as being frequently taken for granted for taking up the slack for others. Recognizing and appreciating caregivers doesnât mean not recognizing and appreciating competitors. Society needs both types of individuals to function. Both are important. We can celebrate both. In the best of worlds, we have the opportunity to be both at different life stages.
When you have free time, you have time to give to others. When you have little or no free time, that becomes difficult, if not impossible.
Alh, part of what is behind my retirement is that there is more I want to do for both my mother, who has some issues that are complicated, and my MIL who has Alzheimerâs. I certainly agree caretakers are undervalued.
However, if one were to suggest that the ability of (many) SAHMs (and Iâm not including those caring for a disabled child or similar) to redirect energies to community causes, public schools, etc is precisely because they have more TIME - then youâve accused SAHMs of having more time than WMs and then it becomes another round of âbut I work just as hard too!â and pretty soon itâs âI work 24/7 as a SAHMâ as if parenting duties magically suspend themselves for WMs.
Itâs not a competition. Do what works for your own family. No wars here.
Thank you PG. The volunteer activities you list usually do (and definitely should!!) receive some societal approbation. Caring for elderly parents, or a disabled child, is the sort of work that is frequently taken for granted by society. I am so sorry to learn about your mother and mother-in-law.
I donât think they need societal approbation; or maybe itâs that I donât need societal approbation.
Thatâs part of what perplexes me about mommy wars. âYou should support my choice to âŠâ Well, no. You donât really âneedâ my support any more than you need my âsupportâ to paint your living room yellow or serve chicken and rice for dinner tonight. Unless you are harming your child in some way or asking me to pick up the tab, these choices just arenât my business or my concern. I donât âsupportâ or ânot supportâ working mothers or SAH mothers. I just leave them alone to do their own thing.
I believe Slaughter is arguing we all have to pull together. We have to support each other for the greater good. We need social programs that support caregivers. It is all of our business.
I see a lot of people who pick up the slack with their families and communities regardless of employment status. Some of the busiest people I know juggle kids, jobs and volunteering. Depends on the person.
I agree with AMS that we do need to address the needs of caregivers and with our aging population this is only going to worsen.
I have only read about a quarter of the book so far, so this point might be addressed later on, but I think that a major question is: Why is caregiving undervalued in US society? Overall, I think Slaughter is certainly right that it is undervalued. Even if there are some people who are acutely aware of its value (and probably more women than men in this set), I think that the importance of caregiving is not generally understood.
I have a tentative hypothesis about the reason that caregiving is undervalued, and it is not simply that it is a responsibility that is typically handled by women.
Rather, I think that people in general are unaware of the significance of the care given to them. The fact that peopleâs memories tend to start at age 3 or 4, with very limited memory of the earlier time, means that people have no recollection of the care given to them when they were most vulnerable. Later on, there is also a great deal of caregiving of children, teenagers, and young adults, but I think this is not fully registered by the recipient of the care. We were all super-easy to bring up, right? Nothing to it!
Then, at the other end of the age spectrum, I doubt that anyone wants to think about the possibility that they will need care as they approach the end of life. Certainly Iâd rather not think about it.
Most employers do not accommodate leave to take care of an elderly parent very well, even though that is covered by FMLA. I think that Slaughter is right that people are often discouraged from taking leave that they are legally entitled to take, because the attitudes in the workplace suggest that one is not serious about a career if one takes the leave that is technically available.
In my opinion, if people actually understood what caregiving entails, and how genuinely important it is, more value would be attached to it.
This gang will have many shifting to concerns of parental care. There are so many combos of family responsibility Each family has to sort through it the best way they can. Obviously those with better financial stabilty have more choices.
Hereâs a shout out to Meals on Wheels. My mom just gave up her car and uses MOW as well as Walmart-to-Go. Even with my job, I would have time to help mom with shopping etc. But the truth of the matter is that she prefers being independent. .
I havenât heard AMS saying anything that those interested in this issue havenât been saying for a long time: we need to improve the work/family balance. The reality is that this is a difficult lift and I donât see her giving any concrete ways to change things. In her own life, she chose to opt out of a great job due to her family needs (no judgement, but that is what she did). I donât see what systemic changes could have been made that would have changed her decision.
In todayâs incredibly competitive job market, it is difficult to have both parents try to balance family with work. Typically one partner focuses on work, the other on family with work as the secondary piece of a full like. That person is most often the woman and, letâs be honest here, most of us took that option because we wanted to be the one home with the kids, even part-time. And of course, most women have no choice but to work while raising their children in order to meet family needs.
The other issue for many families is that just at the point when the kids are in school full time or when the care-giver parents has gone back to work, mom and dad need help. This is an even more difficult challenge as there is less support for changing work schedules to care for parents and a wide range of needs. We had to hire someone to help my parents during the week and then spent time with them on the weekends.
^ Caring for the elderly is a big challenge. For one thing a lot of us live literally hundreds of miles away from our aging parents which is an added complication. I agree that AMS did not offer any real suggestions in that regard.
In the context of Slaughterâs discussion of competition vs. caring, Best Buyâs âWin the Holidaysâ ad campaign provides an interesting illustration of a way to involve men in caringâconverting care to something you can âwin.â