<p>This article might be of interest to the CC family. I certainly recognized myself, not so much as a “vituperative online poster” since I stay away from those flame-inducing political threads. But I’ve been the “road-raging driver” more than once because of the anonymity.</p>
<p>Here are a few of the more interesting excerpts…</p>
I’m sure they have to endure more due to anonymity but it’s surprising how many people are willing to berate, curse, and scream at customer service reps face to face as well - usually when the CSR had nothing to do with the person’s actual problem. It happens all the time in department stores, airlines, and other places. The saving grace is that these puny-minded abusers usually only hurt themselves and usually won’t get what they’re trying to achieve while someone else who treats the CSR reasonably often will.</p>
<p>I don’t think that those spewing people are “nice.” They may be well-behaved in person, but that does not mean that they are nice. If people put threats, deliberate cruelty, etc. on the internet, then those things were already part of their characters. The internet may expose another side of their nature; it does not provoke kind souls into becoming ugly monsters.</p>
<p>I loved the line about the people who left outrageous messages filled with expletives on voicemails, only to be embarassed when they got a return call and realized the messages really were heard. Most of those folks probably just want to vent–and may not expect to get their problem solved. The age-old addage “you catch more bears with honey than with vinegar” is so true with customer service folks. I do some consulting at a managed care company (eww, yes, I know… ) Anyway, the care managers will occasionally play the nasty voicemails aloud for others to hear, and they definitely keep a copy of the recording, so its best to be careful…</p>
<p>As for forums and listserves and message boards, no need to restate the obvious. Part of the issue, IMO, is the immediacy of the response, especially in “hot topics” such as those that fill the political threads. People react quickly and sometimes rather brusquely in both these as well as professional forums. One of my professional forums now requires a second step before a post is posted to the list. After the message is typed, the poster gets an email requiring them to cut/paste a code and confirm the post in order for the message to be forwarded to the list. That causes the person to stop and pause and reflect. Its like saying “are you SURE you really want to say that?” Its really been helpful in cutting down on conflicts on that list. </p>
<p>Another forum I was on had a delay before the post was posted. I believe each post was screened first (that must be time consuming). The downside was that the conversation was extremely slow, but it did help minimize inappropriate or out-of-line comments.</p>
<p>We never know how something we write is going to be read by another person. Something we think is innocuous may be seen as upsetting to another person, and then they react accordingly.</p>
<p>I loved the “rot in hell – signed kittyface” LOL ! And I learned a new word today (SAT word of the day- “vituperative”). Thanks again, patsmom</p>
<p>The first thing that came to my mind was that horrible excuse for a mother who posted online as a young man and helped drive her daughter’s poor classmate to suicide. Though of course she was never nice to begin with.</p>
<p>That story from San Francisco was not an example of road rage, but just as bad. A man has been arrested for that shooting and the current storty is that he thought the driver was from a rival gang.</p>
<p>Sooze, just wanted you to know that I “got” it! That, following the “frothing at the mouse” bit were pretty cool. Good job!</p>
<p>And, I totally agree with the article and have crept away from the CC political threads with my e-tail (“tale”??) between my figurative legs… way too nasty for me…</p>
<p>I’ll confess to a strong tendency toward sarcasm…last year I gave up making snarky, smart-aleck comebacks for Lent! I figured if I could control my mouth for 40 days, it would become a habit to be nicer, and I really think it helped.</p>
<p>But it is a temptation on an anonymous forum. On more than one occasion I’ve hammered out a quick biting reply, but so far I’ve managed to constrain myself and not actually submit the post.</p>
<p>Most people should realize that when they yell at customer service reps or government workers or others in that line of work they just become the subject of “stories” within the work place- as in remember when that moron was foaming at the mouth I made believe I couldn’t help him and his eyes almost popped out of their sockets.
The workers are very talented in tweaking the nasty customer without being obvious and getting themselves in trouble on the job. I am sure some on the Internet do the same thing to provoke someone who is discourteous.
Be nice it works better.</p>
<p>I left forum once because the owner made some changes that opened the door to some really nasty posters ( who have now taken it over and destroyed it ) It was a nice place before that and some of the members even got together for lunch a few times a yr.
I don’t believe that any original members post there any longer.</p>
<p>Also, part of my job is to handle our company phone lines during our peak times…amazing what people will go on and on about, probably because it is not face to face contact. We all get some good laughs at the end of the day…it is the only way to make it to the next day</p>
<p>Rather than supposing that anonymity turns " nice" people nasty, I would suggest that perhaps social " niceties" are the main thing holding otherwise nasty people to acceptable social behavior.</p>
<p>I am, my own biggest critic. ** I always** have to live with myself, even if no one else does. doing something anonymously that is petty, damaging or mean- that you would never do if your name was attached, is cowardly and hypocritical.</p>
<p>Even if you are being an ass, you should always own up to it.</p>
<p>My late father was a police officer who dealt with his share of drunks and drug-users. He and his fellow officers had an old saying about people who abuse alcohol and drugs (both powerful disinhibitors), which he passed on to me, and which I have passed on to my daughter, now a college student: “The sweet get sweeter and the mean get meaner.” I have always found my dad’s old saying to be true, and my daughter (who neither drinks nor uses drugs) is also finding it to be true. I have since discovered that my dad’s old saying applies to the relatively disinhibiting anonymity of cyberspace, as well.</p>
<p>I think most people are fundamentally nice, but “nice” doesn’t translate into “doormat,” even in cyberspace. Every individual has boundaries which others cross at their own risk. Even a “nice, normal” person can react angrily and/or self-defensively if such a boundary is crossed, especially if that boundary is crossed intentionally. I am a nice person, but I have my boundaries; cross one intentionally, and if I choose to respond, you can expect either an icy or a harsh response (before I permanently freeze you out of my physical world or my cyberworld). </p>
<p>Here on CC, I “frothed at the mouse” just once, in an old thread where Poster A (not the OP) intentionally disparaged my daughter; I responded harshly and with appropriate restraint, but then Poster B–who entered the thread to “defend” Poster A–intentionally disparaged me. I promptly skewered Poster B, who responded in kind, and Poster B and I were off and running. (Fortunately, our vituperative posts were subsequently edited or deleted from that thread.)</p>
<p>Contrary to the opinion expressed by the author of the article cited by the OP, I don’t think that the relatively disinhibiting anonymity of cyberspace can “turn” a fundamentally nice person nasty (or, for that matter, “turn” a fundamentally nasty person “nice”). In my opinion, nice people are nice everywhere–including cyberspace. On the other hand, people who behave “nicely” in their physical world but nastily in cyberspace are using the cloak of anonymity to display their true colors. Those people–the writers of the snarky comments, passive-aggressive quips, offensive opinions, personally confrontational observations, and stealthily subversive “advice”–really are fundamentally nasty. It isn’t necessary to look such people in the eye to know who they are and what they are. In cyberspace, as in the local gin mill and drug den, “The sweet get sweeter and the mean get meaner.”</p>
<p>not to disparge your fathers observations- as I don’t have as much experience as a police officer, but my observations have been that alcohol as an releaser of inhibitions but also a depressant seem to be more likely to initially make those who are quiet sober, more gregarious & affectionate, but without an equally strong stimulant like coffee, cocaine or amphetamines, then makes them moody and angry ( or depressed, which is just anger turned inward)</p>
<p>Of course if you are like me & rarely drink, you slip right into the lack of inhibition stage to falling asleep. Kinda a waste of a nice glass of wine, since I then am wide awake 3 hours later.</p>
<p>The online version of the local newspaper here has a “response” feature where people can anonymously respond to articles. Wow, if any of the people who write in are half as mean in person as they are on the computer, they must all be writing from jail. The vitriol spewed at local officials (most of whom are volunteers, just trying to help out the community) is unbelievable. People seem to think that because they pay property taxes they are allowed to say anything about anyone who works for the town, or is on a town committee, regardless of how off-base or patently false it is. Then others pick up and follow it. 3 months later you have people quoting back mis-information from the “responders” and insisting that it is true because they “read it in the paper.” I really wish the paper would get rid of that feature, I have yet to read anything worthwhile that’s been written there.</p>
<p>The problem with the internet is that with the inability to see one’s facial expression or hear one’s tone, things often get misunderstood, misinterpreted confused and otherwise twisted into knots. It is all too easy to overreact. A person may be absolutely <em>convinced</em> that something was done purposefully or intentionally when in fact nothing could be farther from the truth. However, once a person has convinced themselves that something was purposeful, or that there was some malevolent, manipulative, coordinated attack, sadly, that person has closed their minds and ears to the possibility that there was simply confusion or a misunderstanding. We cannot <em>know</em> another person’s intent or assume to know what they meant unless we ask. Sure you can shut them out, but why not consider giving that person the benefit of the doubt? Why not give them the opportunity to clarify what they meant rather than jumping to what may well be an erroneous conclusion? What is funny to one person may be offensive or “passive-aggressive” to another, and it certainly goes both ways. If a person is open-minded, fair and reasonable, misunderstandings can be clarified and resolved. Feelings can get hurt, but is it right to react with an equally if not more hurtful response? </p>
<p>If a person, as you say “permanently freezes you out of your real or cyberworld”, while they are entitled to do that, there are many misunderstandings that can be clarified. It is just as easy to be open-minded as it is to be closed-minded. None of us is perfect. Fundamentally nice people may not be “nice” 100% of the time. That doesn’t make them awful, mean or nasty people. Things, IMO aren’t that black and white. </p>
<p>Quick example. Recently, my H had surgery. I asked a friend of mine if she could help with something, and before I finished getting the words out of my mouth, she responded with something that came across as brusque and insensitive. Long story short, I was hurt, as I have done many nice things for this friend in the past, and yes, she has done nice things for me too. Anyway, I stewed about it for a few days, but I did come back to her and let her know what I heard, how it came across to me, and how it made me feel. Perhaps the fact that I was sitting in the hospital waiting room at the time made me even more sensitive, but regardless, we were able to address it and work it through. She is not perfect, and we have different views about things (she is divorced and has no kids so frequently has a different perspective on things), but I have known her for a long time and I chose to communicate with her and resolve the issue, not blow her off. In the big picture, her good qualities outweigh her bad, and her friendship is worth keeping. </p>
<p>On another thread, some posters talked about “friendships” they had developed on the internet. IMO, its easy to blow off, freeze out or send a harsh response to an anonymous poster. But in some cases, making the effort to clarify a misunderstanding, to see something from the other person’s perspective or to work through hurt feelings is worth it. No one is blameless in any disagreement.</p>
<p>One last thought. It is all to easy to personalize posts by other posters, especially in emotionally charged threads. A poster may post a general thought, but a poster may think that post is “directed at them”. Additionally, how often have we seen poster #1 post a stern retort to poster #2, only to have poster #2 say “I wasn’t talking to you-- I was responding to poster # 3”.</p>
Kinda a waste of a nice glass of wine, since I then am wide awake 3 hours later.</p>