Just found out (although I had suspected) that my 16 year old niece is anorexic. My sister filed for divorce earlier this year and is trying to live in the house with her husband until my niece graduates (it’s not going well - she has friends that she stay with most nights so she’s not around). Her husband works and sleeps. That’s all. Does nothing around the house as far as cleaning, cooking, even decorating for Christmas. My niece is the oldest of 3 and feels like she needs to step in when mom isn’t around.
Niece is in counseling but my sister won’t share the true story of whats happening with her family (so as far as she knows, I do not know the niece is anorexic or in counseling). I live in the same town and some of her friends have quietly kept me informed because they know she needs all the support she can get. She has struggled with depression her whole life but won’t seek medication due to cost. The middle child seems to be coping well but the youngest just sounds sad when he talks about anything relating to his family (even just explaining why there are no Christmas decorations up).
My question is - for those with experience - how can I help without letting on that I know more than she’s told me? I have to really tread lightly. What would help? Hurt? I’m just lost and feel helpless but want so badly to be of use to them.
Encourage her parents, not her, to visit FEAST-ED and look into FBT, Family Based Treatment. http://www.feast-ed.org/ The siblings also need support. FEAST has a list of trained therapists that can help. There is a forum called Around the Dinner Table on the FEAST site where you and the family can learn more and get support from other families going through the same thing.
Can you step up in other ways? Dropping off meals, having the kids over to bake some Christmas cookies, for dinner, decorate gingerbread houses, go to a movie or ice skating?
I think letting them know you are there for them, that you are another adult in their life that they can talk to, that loves them would help without addressing the elephant in the room. I’d even say directly to the kids that you know it is tough right now but you love them and will be for them. That if they ever want to talk about anything, you’ll be there to listen and help.
I’m so sorry. It sounds very painful and difficult for your sister and her children.
IME, it can be difficult to find ways to be effectively supportive. When my brother was seriously ill and expected to live only 2 more years, he hid it from us — siblings and closest friends.
He just desperately wanted to be treated as “normal” and it was very, very hard for him to see the look of concern and sadness and worry in OUR faces, that is, once we found out how serious it was.
And, naturally, once we found out, every single conversation seemed to involve some deadly somber version of “How are you doing?” No wonder he didn’t tell us earlier. It was a big downer for him. Things were not looking good. Terminal illness on top of teetering on the edge of financial ruin.
It was so hard to even ask a question without him feeling like we were judging his actions (or lack of action) + “getting in his business”.
He’s doing much better now (whew!), and it seems that friends and family are handling his various struggles better too.
I learned so much from that crisis, and a lot of it was counterintuitive for me. I think my first instinct, perhaps donning my parent hat, was to get in there and “fix”. That was NOT what he needed, although, eventually, he did ask for some specific things he needed help with. “I need a ride to the hospital”. “I can’t figure out this disablilty application”. “I need someone to bring in my mail”. But, that took time getting there.
My husbands sister is anorexic. You can tell how things are going with her by how she looks. The sad thing is her mom got her to go to the dr to weigh in and the dr just said she could gain a few pounds. People would fawn over her, especially in stores because she is tall and pretty and was impossibly thin. She even got the distended belly you see in the starving African children commercials. So, it obviously isn’t food, it’s control. I’m thinking more of taking the kids out to a movie or ice skating or help get their tree. But honestly, if you don’t officially know, and they aren’t asking for help, having to cover up in front of more people would be hard. The person you need to connect with more is your sister and see what kind of support she could use.
Here are my suggestions: 1) Offer general support, to your sister and her children. 2) Do not pump for information. 3) If you are brought into the circle of people who know, do not offer unsolicited opinions about the causes of eating disorders. 4) Whether or not you’re brought into the circle, go to the FEAST website (noted in an earlier post).
You are very kind to be concerned and want to help. Best wishes to you and your sister and her family.
I’m glad that you are getting advice to get involved. I hope your niece is able to get the help she needs.
As an aside, my niece’s MIL is dying from her eating disorder. Her organs are shutting down and she is on hospice care. She is in her late 50s/early 60s and has five young (18 mos-6 years) grandchildren. She’s been unable to conquer her illness so is dying a very young death. It truly is sad- she’s a very wealthy woman and has always been able to afford treatment. Eating disorders are to be taken seriously.
If you have been included in the knowledge that the parents are going to divorce, but are living under the same roof, you should suggest to your sister that she and her husband go through counseling together. It sounds like she and her husband are not handling the breakup of their family well, and it is affecting their children. Tell her that her children are learning relationship skills from them, and that it is important that she and her husband learn how to communicate. If the parents can learn how to deal with each other rather than ignore each other, which seems to be what they are doing, the children will definitely benefit. I don’t know how they can deal with their daughter’s problem if they can’t deal with their own.
I am so glad to hear that your niece is in counseling. I remember first learning about anorexia when Karen Carpenter died, and lately I have been hearing her beautiful voice sing holiday songs. Such a loss, but treatment has come a long way since then.
I’m not sure if you meant the neice’s or the sister’s depression is untreated due to cost, but does it make sense to see if the family can sign up for Obamacare before the deadline Friday?
I’m confused by your post.Is your sister depressed—or your niece? Are you in touch with your sister’s friends or your niece’s? Is it your sister who won’t take medication due to cost? Or your niece? I’m just not sure I’ve understood the pronouns correctly.
First, don’t tell your sister what to do. I went through a horrific divorce and most of my family felt that I was doing everything wrong and they would have made different decisions. The biggest favor you can do for your sister is to listen–just listen–whenever she does open up about what is going on. Don’t interrupt to tell her she should stay more nights at home or she needs to speed up the divorce process or give any other advice. I stopped telling my family much --not because I wanted to keep them from knowing what was going on but because I didn’t want to listen to them criticize me and my offspring and give me advice I had no intention of following.
It IS okay to ask what you can do to help—and make specific suggestions if your S doesn’t ask you to do anythig. Would it help if you and the kids all stayed with us one night a week? If I made some meals? If I drove the kids to any activities or doctor’s appointments? If I did the laundry for you and the kids once a week?
So for example, I strongly disagree with @stardustmom 's advice that you suggest she and her H go through counseling together. I’m not saying that counseling is a bad idea. I AM saying that it is highly probable that your S is well aware of such counseling and, if she’s not doing it, there’s probably a good reason why not. Maybe her H has refused. Maybe they can’t afford it–or he’s said that if she wants it, he’ll go but only if she pays the entire cost. Maybe her attorney has advised against it. Maybe a lot of things. Just don’t assume that your S hasn’t thought of the things that immediately come to your mind. And especially do not suggest that she do anything that costs money unless you are willing to pay for it and say so.
You say that someone isn’t taking medication because of the cost. If you can help financially, do so. Don’t say “I’ll pay for medication.” Instead, find some bill you can pay and just pay it.Or find some way to give your sister cash. Put it in an envelope with a note saying something like " [Your H } and I know you can probably use some extra money right now. We hope this makes things a little easier."
Also, don’t presume to judge how the 3 kids are doing. The middle one may be hiding her own pain because she knows mom is depressed and older sister is anorexic and so she’s convinced she absolutely cannot give this family any more problems to deal with. You may want to offer to do something with your nieces or nephew one on one as @ doschicos suggested. Living in that household right now has to be very tense for the kids Asking the kids if they’d like to spend a few days at your house during school vacation might help. If the older one is trying to mother the little ones, then don’t ask her without asking the younger ones. You might want to ask the little ones without her. Just knowing that the younger ones are going to get 3 meals a day and clean clothes, etc. could really ease the pressure on the older one.
Bottom line: Listen without making suggestions as to what your S should do AND ask what you can do to help, making specific suggestions of things you are willing to do if your S wants you to.
^^ Some insurance cos will cover counseling. My point is that if the two parents are going to continue living together for what? another two years until the niece graduates, they should work through their own problems. The wife is staying away from home with friends and the husband only eats and sleeps. That cannot be a good environment for the children.
I understood your point…just fine. Mine is that the OP should NOT tell her sister what to do. Believe me, her S will NOT appreciate it and it will just make matters worse between the OP and her sister.
I assume that her S is not an idiot and is fully aware that the situation is far from perfect for her kids–especially as one is anorexic and in counseling. I also assume that she loves her kids and is doing the best she can. The OP should respect that and NOT make suggestions as to what her S should do. Instead, just listen and do what she can to help.
Obviously she should not tell her what to do, but she can make suggestions. I believe OP was asking for advice, and my advice is that she suggest her sister seek counseling. I understand that some oppose counseling for their own reasons, but I have seen it work for divorcing parents.
Can you ask you sister if you can help put up their Christmas decorations this Sat? Offer to bring over some snacks for the kids and everyone can pitch it for a few hours.
We’ll just have to agree to disagree @stardustmom. IMO, the OP should NOT make suggestions. That’s what most people do…and IME it is NOT at all helpful. If the OP’s S were to ask “What do you think of counseling for divorced parents?” then, yes, OP might say she thinks it can help.
But if someone with fully functiioning faculties is in crisis and does NOT ask for suggestions, do NOT give them.
To put it another way, if the S herself were posting here asking for suggestions, then I think your suggestion would be an excellent one. But the S is NOT posting here and IMO it is BAD advice to suggest that the OP should give her S unsolicited advice to do family counseling with her estranged H. I don’t think the advice is bad because I have any issues with counseling. I think it’s bad advice because I feel VERY strongly that all that will be accomplished if OP follows your advice is further estrangement between the sisters.
As a side note, some children develop anorexia nervosa to become “sick”, with the hope that the parents will come together to combat the illness.
I’m all for spending time with the children. I maybe would ask when I could take each or all out shopping for their Xmas gift. I wouldn’t presume to offer advice
Rosered55. I don’t know what you mean. I’ve found many paths to A.N. Control, an attempt to unite parents, a response to sexual maturity, or abuse, a form of depression, a response to,peer pressure, OCD, and more.