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My husband does that and it drives me nuts. I find it selfish and obnoxious. If money is an issue, it should be an issue shared by both partners, not foisted off on one. If something actually “needs” to be bought, then man up and deal with it with your wife. This specific behavior just allows the “doesn’t want to know” spouse to avoid responsibility if there’s a problem later and also avoid the stress of figuring the details of buying that thing.</p>
<p>*I think that Amy was correct in her analysis that hubby is surly because he’s disappointed that she doesn’t like the ring he gave her.</p>
<p>I don’t think so–I think he’s surly because he knows she’s right. The best advice would probably be to keep the ring and get rid of the husband. *</p>
<p>I agree. I don’t think his feelings are hurt at all. He was cheap, he’s been called out, and he doesn’t want to man up and fix it.</p>
<p>This guy reminds me of my friend’s ex-husband (note the “ex” part). They got engaged in the month of Nov and all he bought was a plain gold band (which is fine for those who want to go that route - this bride didn’t). Then, Christmas came and when he didn’t have a gift for her, she asked why. He told her that the gold band that he bought in Nov (less than $75) was her Christmas gift as well. Ugh. She should have broken the engagement right then…it just got worse after that. I won’t even tell you why he cemented shut the chimney for the fireplace! OMG</p>
<p>*I think there is also a “my money-your money” issue going on…something that I would think older established people who get married may have and can be quite divisive. When you get married young when you both were broke, it’s quite clear that it is all “our money.” *</p>
<p>I agree with this, too, which is why he made the crack about spending her own money to get a better ring. If this were a younger couple, their attitude would have been, “what can WE do to get you a better looking ring.”</p>
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<p>I dunno, I doubt you’d say that if you understood the situations.</p>
<p>I mentioned to my wife that we should get some new tablecloths and cloth napkins a while ago. She started telling me how much they cost, and finally, I said, “it’s ok. We can afford them. Be careful and use coupons, but buy the ones you like and several styles so we have have our dinner table looking nice.” </p>
<p>Had I gone to the store with her, we would have walked away empty handed. Not because we can’t afford things like cloth tablecloths but because I don’t like the pricetag. </p>
<p>So she went and spent a lot of money - I saw the credit card statement and about croaked - but our dining room table looks nice now.</p>
<p>Can’t tell from the letter if this is marriage # 1,2, or 50 for either of the partners in this marriage. Perhaps the hubby is gun-shy if he’s been taken to the cleaners by other wives. Maybe the wife has bling from another marriage that she can reset. But if the hubby is buying cheap stuff for his wife and the best of the best for himself, then it is understandable that she feels devalued.</p>
<p>Personally, I don’t like flashy stuff, and I have never seen people flashing/comparing their rings. thats just tacky. If/when my DH and I go jewelry shopping (which is a rarity b/c I dont really wear much , I don’t personally care about jewelry and I tend to misplace it) he calls it a “start”, because we tend to go back and exchange if he picks something out that isnt my taste. The point is, the jewelry is for the wife-- and it makes sense that it should be something she wants/likes (within reason/budget). It shouldnt be about what he wants her to have, it should be about giving her a gift she enjoys.</p>
<p>No indication that this 40something simply settled for “mr acceptable”.</p>
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I will celebrate my 25th wedding anniversary in two months. I can assure you that there is very little I haven’t seen.</p>
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If you can really afford them and it’s not a big purchase, you don’t have to be involved. It’s simply a matter of preference. However, if money is an issue and the object is something you “need” (as opposed to table linens), then you should be involved in crafting a plan and taking responsibility.</p>
<p>The issue for the wife here likely wasn’t the money, per se, but that she wanted a gift from her husband.</p>
<p>Yesterday was my birthday. I asked for a gift that I really, really wanted (a Kindle). God knows we can afford it, but my husband chose not to get it for me. His answer was that I could have just ordered it myself. I didn’t want to order it myself. That wouldn’t have been a gift. I wanted him to get it for me and make a bit of a fuss. Sometimes it’s not about the money.</p>
<p>I think, in the end, it’s all about effort. A gift shows that someone took the time and effort to put thought into making you happy.</p>
<p>When someone spends a lot on him/herself but skimps on gifts to those who are supposedly important in his/her life, it basically sends the message “I have the means but you aren’t important enough for me to care about – my happiness comes first and yours a far distant second.”</p>
<p>His claim that she should just “go buy one herself” is somewhat proof of this. Even if she went out and bought a more expensive ring, that isn’t the point. It’s not a ring he chose and actively gave to her. He chose a cheap ring that took no real thought because he wasn’t really concerned about whether or not she’d truly be happy with it. He probably just chose something so he could say he got her a ring.</p>
<p>I’m thinking that she should just go and buy one herself - just like he said.</p>
<p>*His claim that she should just “go buy one herself” is somewhat proof of this. Even if she went out and bought a more expensive ring, that isn’t the point. It’s not a ring he chose [or they chose together] and actively gave to her. He chose a cheap ring that took no real thought because he wasn’t really concerned about whether or not she’d truly be happy with it. He probably just chose something so he could say he got her a ring. *</p>
<p>Exactly! I know a guy who did just about that. He was getting engaged and he knew he had to buy a ring, but he was a cheapskate. Well… He knew a friend who had a broken engagement , so he bought it from him for pennies on the dollar (it wasn’t a great ring in the first place). When his wife later found out (after the wedding) the source of the ring and the very low price, she felt very insulted.</p>
<p>^A used engagement ring!!! That is nervy…</p>
<p>Well technically if you pass along a family ring, thats also a “used” ring. My mom’s stone is a whole lot bigger than mine. Not sure if I’ll let either of my s’s give it to an intended or if I’ll keep it. Its a classic setting.</p>
<p>But a reject ring, thats kinda funny… in a cheezy kinda way (and feels like bad luck.). Who spilled the beans??</p>
<p>Yeah well … my H was engaged before he met me. The former fiance insisted on the whole three ring set, the engagement was broken, and he had been keeping the three ring set, with the gold bands never worn in his sock drawer and the diamond ring only worn for a few months.</p>
<p>We got engaged. He went to go sell the set to the jeweler … and found out just how much it was all (not) worth. It was worth next to nothing, compared to what he’d paid for it. </p>
<p>Long story short. I preferred to have down payment cash on a house. We sold the gold, reset the diamond, and never looked back. But I’m not that into jewelry … and don’t wear the diamond now at all. It wouldn’t have mattered if it was a really big fancy new good one … I probably would not be wearing it every day today. I’ve been married 26 years.</p>
<p>^ My father wanted to melt down the gold from his teeth when they yanked them and gave him a set of choppers. Ewww. I dont think he ever did that. Whew.</p>
<p>Also being practical, cnp55, I, too, would have taken the stones and put them in a setting of my own choosing. I wouldn’t want to wear the ring set as is from a former fiancee.</p>
<p>For those men who want to surprise their girlfriends with engagement rings when they pop the big question, one of the local jewelers will put the stone he chooses into a simple setting. After the question has been popped and she says yes, the couple then comes down to the store and the woman picks a setting that she likes.</p>
<p>Seems very practical.</p>
<p>Zoosermom, belated happy birthday wishes to you. I hope you will order the Kindle that you want. IMHO you should also buy yourself a huge bunch of your favorite flowers along with whatever food/drink/pampering splurge you enjoy. If your dh asks why the flowers, you can tell him that you needed cheering after feeling hurt about your birthday being ignored/downplayed. He needs to hear that paying attention to your feelings is important. I wish I’d learned that a long time ago, but I am finally taking steps to remind dh, as well as myself, that I deserve a little special treatment and attention once in a while. </p>
<p>You have time for a frank discussion before your anniversary. The results may disappoint you, but at least you will have tried. My dh has improved a little bit (he’s gone from zero to stopping at the grocery store on his way home from work to grab a <$10 bunch of flowers, a bag of cheap candy & a card - sometimes.) After missing another occasion recently, he asked me for a written list of suggestions and promptly ordered a couple of things online. When the packages arrived he set them aside unopened. I’m guessing he intends to save them for Christmas, feeling happy that his shopping is done already. Instead of getting upset, I’ve ordered my favorite perfume and am planning a large order of flower bulbs to have planted this fall. Then I reminded myself that dh does some other very thoughtful things, but this is his blind spot.</p>
<p>I don’t know why the wife’s account of her H’s spending is doubted; it sounds quite plausible to me. I have several relatives who behave in a similar manner.</p>
<p>The husband sounds rude and self-centered (spending money for the best for himself, but not her). But at the same time the wife is too caught up in appearances and imaginary rules. There is no such thing as a ring “too small and inappropriate for our incomes and ages.” This is a complete fabrication encouraged by the diamond industry. If the size bothered her so much, the time to speak up about it was before she got married.</p>
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It’s not just men who do this. I thought I was getting an iPad for my birthday. No dice.</p>
<p>For my fiftieth birthday, my wife gave me a beautiful, expensive, leather…toiletry kit. </p>
<p>Some people just have issues with gift-giving.</p>
<p>^^^My issue with gift giving is that DH is so picky that it’s only rarely that I can truly surprise him with something he’ll actually like. This is a guy who’s content to replace his shoes/briefcase/backpack with the identical model for decades and is unhappy when the manufacturer moves on to bigger and better styles. </p>
<p>He has wanted new pots and pans for three years. Finding a set that meets his criteria has proved darned near impossible.</p>
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That’s very true. To give my husband credit, he will do things like clean out the linen closet or the pantry and completely reorganize them as a surprise to me. He means well, he really does, but he’s not good at things that should be special or outside of the ordinary. He’s also up against the fact that I’m the cheapest woman in the world. Just can’t spend a buck!</p>
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Thank you very much! You have good advice. I’m going to tell him before the anniversary that I want it to be a day that is special and out of the ordinary and that we can work through together what it should look like.</p>
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LOL Hunt!! Maybe if you got a suitcase too, she might have been trying to tell you something?? 
(jk)</p>
<p>MY DH and I are not great gift-givers to each other. We tend to get something when we need it. That then tends to make holidays tough for gift-giving, because we don’t really want or need anything and don’t like “stuff” just for the heck of it. I think the ideal gift is from the heart. I always tell my H he gets an “A” for effort.</p>
<p>I *do *like stuff just for the heck of it, but my wife thinks that’s silly. Once, for Christmas, my kids convinced her to get me a mystery box from Archie McPhee–full of useless junk, but I really liked it.</p>