<p>This would make out as a good creative writing piece. However, the graders are looking for a well-written, informative essay. Don’t describe the scenery around you; don’t use imagery. Use concrete examples. I’m not sure where you were going with this essay till the end. DON’T do this to the reader (SAT). Have a well defined thesis, which you sort of have here:
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<p>I’m not sure you did it as well as you could, however. </p>
<p>Show strong topic sentences. Your organization is weak. The beginning was great, it got my attention, but then I immediately stopped focusing as soon as you went on and on about your friend Abby. The example is great, but there is too much description, which detracts from this type of essay.</p>