Another Essay???

Hi everyone, I just decided to write this essay because I’m not really happy with the ones that I have so far. Please tell me what you guys think…I am awful at judging my own stuff. All advice and criticism welcome! Thanks

Topic: “meaningful event”

That all too familiar feeling reared up in my stomach again: the sort of tightening that happens right before you see your grade on a big test or while giving a presentation to thirty of your inattentive classmates and one very discriminating teacher. But this time it wasn’t exactly the same – yes, my leg bounced frantically and my heart beat a little more quickly than normal but excitement also pulsated throughout my body. I hugged my parents and waved goodbye and headed towards the room full of forty other teenagers I would be spending an entire week with. I was at medical camp.

I had heard horror stories from my friends a grade ahead of me: everyone is so mean; I left a day early because it was so terrible; my roommate was the worst ever! With this in mind, I slunk into the gathering room and found a seat next to a girl who seemed to share my fears.

“Hi, I’m Chris,” I said in a quiet voice, scared that her expression would shift into a look of disgust and indignation. The reaction I got, though, was nothing of the sort.

“Hey!” she squeaked. “I feel like such a dork sitting here all by myself!” My heart instantly stopped palpitating and my breathing slowed: I had found at least one friendly cohort with whom I could pass the coming days.

Just as my nerves calmed down, however, came the unthinkable. The director of the camp told us all that we would each be doing a skit to introduce ourselves to the group and to break the ice. My new friend and I just stared at each other, jaws agape, wondering how the counselor actually expected getting up in front of everyone to make a fool out of ourselves would be a positive way to start off the week.

“Chris ***” came the first intonation, the counselor going alphabetically down the list of campers. “Here it goes” I thought to myself. I had concocted a skit that attempted humor, poking fun at my studious habits. Much to my surprise, my jokes actually evinced giggles and laughs and, by the end, I even got applause. As I sat down, I realized that perhaps the coming days held some true fun in store.

Luckily, my prediction turned out to be true. That night the counselor handed out the schedule and, glancing through it, I saw that in addition to the expected medical forays, she had planned many social activities. As the week progressed, I bonded with fellow doctor hopefuls from entirely different backgrounds and with entirely different perspectives. I danced, I swam, I laughed, I played volleyball, and I even sang karaoke to “Baby Got Back.” I found that my initial reservations were completely unwarranted and my usual shyness melted away. Not only was I having a blast exploring the different realms of medicine, but in the meantime, I was gaining self-assurance and making a few more steps towards adulthood.

“Okay everyone, be sure to get up by 6:30 tomorrow so we’ll all be ready by the time your parents arrive,” shouted the counselor over the conversations. “What? The week can’t be over already!” I declared to myself. Between all of the exciting adventures and new faces, I had lost track of time. After the next day’s brunch, I exchanged goodbyes and phone numbers with all of the people I had become surprisingly close to in such a short while. By the time the last picture was taken and the last farewell said, I realized that this week had been one of the best of my life.

<p>that bad???</p>

<p>It's not a bad essay. it's well-writen, but i just don't feel like you were writing from your heart, as cheesy as that sounds. i think you should explain more about how you grew up from this event. also... i don't know if you should include: "I even sang karaoke to 'Baby Got Back.'" IMO i don't know if you would want the adcom to have a flashback to that song. When i read that part, all i could think about was the song's lyrics, but maybe it's just me..</p>

<p>Please, anyone else? Any comments wanted and appreciated!</p>

<p>i think it's a good essay. maybe cut out some of the quotes and explain more how this event affected your life.</p>

<p>i thought it was a good essay. i kind of wanted to hear something about you peeing your pants in front of everyone ;) jk! haha, anyway i thought it was interesting. maybe you should mention why you had to be there (parents made you, hint at problem, ect.). you could also try to be more reluctant and shy throughout more of the essay instead of having one tiny event completely change your outlook on the camp. otherwise it might look like your making it up and didn't really experience the event. good luck!</p>

<p>after rereading the essay, i thought of another change. you might want to take out "As I sat down, I realized that perhaps the coming days held some true fun in store.Luckily, my prediction turned out to be true. " and put in, "despite this somewhat pleasant experience, I could not help but think that this was merely a glimmer of light in a excruciatingly long week". or something to that extent. if you can take out those two sentences the essay will sound less cheesy and more realistic.</p>

<p>1) I like the baby got back part. Really. Don't be a wimp. Admission Commitees know we're kids! 2) You have a good vocabulary. I don't know what some of the words meant. MAKE SURE THEY ARE RIGHT--have english teachers read through them.</p>

<p>opening paragraph was great. can relate.</p>

<p>ummmmm....maybe make a connection from going to medcamp with reservation and college with the usual fear....but u know it will work out!! haha, i don't know. maybe that's cheesy. well anyway, GL~

<p>Thanks for all the advice!</p>

<p>Changes I made:
"As I sat down, I hesitantly began to believe that the coming days held some true fun in store."</p>

<p>"As the week progressed, my confidence grew, my social skills expanded, and I bonded with fellow doctor hopefuls..."</p>

<p>Chelsea2005, first off, thanks for all the tips. About why I had to be there, it was actually a completely free camp where they picked 2 students from 20 or so high schools throughout the region. I really wanted to be there, I just am (was) a shy person.</p>

<p>Camus23, I've tried to relate my experiences to going to college and it always sounds cheesy and a little bit forced. Thanks for the advice though! I like the Baby Got Back part; I think it gives the reader a good vision of me "coming out of my shell"</p>

<p>"and my heart beat a little more quickly than normal "</p>

<p>my heart beat a little quicker than normal</p>

<p>and meh... it's not wonderfully written, it doesn't flow extremely well, and it didn't really hold my interest. The topic is interesting, you could have written about it in a SLIGHTLY more capturing way.</p>

<p>First of all, thanks for the assistance.</p>

<p>How do you suggest I go about writing in a more capturing way? I tried to include details, imagery, and action to hold interest. Also, what can I do to improve flow? Maybe I'm too close to it, but I don't see problems with flow...</p>

<p>btw, my favorite is "Something's coming"</p>