Another "Help! My child wants to drop out of school, what do I do?" thread

Parent Cafe
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<p>I apologize in advance as I suspect this could get lengthy, but I’ve been riding a roller coaster with my now young adult child for the past year.</p>

<p>My son is EXCEPTIONALLY intelligent. He’s at school on a full tutition academic scholarship studying engineering. He’s finished 2 years of classes, but with AP and dual-enrollment hours will be a 3rd year senior if he returns in the fall. He’s finished most of the ‘weeder’ courses and almost all his remaining requirements should be professional courses in his major which should (ideally) be interesting to him. After 2 years of classes, he’s got a 3.3 GPA, has done an internship, and has a co-op opportunity lined up in the fall.</p>

<p>Despite that, for some reason - psychologically and emotionally he is STRUGGLING. Most days I feel like I’m standing on a pier watching him trying to stay afloat in the water, deparately wanting to throw him a life preserver, but having no clue what I can throw to him that is going to help.</p>

<p>He doesn’t want to return to school. He wants to drop out completely, sacrificing his remaining scholarship funds. He has no plan for the future. I’ve told him that I WILL NOT support him while he moves back home with no plan, so he’s determined that he can drop out, get a full time minimum wage job, support himself…and (get this) save enough money so when he figures out what he wants to do will be able to pay to quit his job and go back to school… (He even made a budget $300 for rent (or buying a house (he’s confident he can get some mystery relative to provide a downpayment and cosign a mortgage…wish I had the same relatives as him! oh yeah, I do…)), $15 for car insurance, $100 for all his utilities, etc…) I go from wanting to pull my hair out in large clumps, to wanting to sit down and cry.</p>

<p>So how did we get here?:</p>

<p>My son’s always been exceptionally bright. He was reading at a high school level before the first grade. High school came EASY to him. Although we were solidly middle income, he’s never worked a minimum wage job because he never had to. I always told him being a student was his job and that’s what I wanted him to put his effort into. So, in high school instead of working part time he was involved in several extra-curriculars and did some volunteer work. He finished high school with above a 4.0 and scoring well enough on his standardized tests to receive the above mentioned scholarship.</p>

<p>He opted to go out of state to college. He made the choice on his own. The scholarship allowed him that choice and also allowed him the freedom to not need a part time job and to concentrate on school. He earned a spot on the dean’s list his first semester and just missed it by about .1 point his second semester. He went through an adjustment period moving away where he didn’t know anyone, but from the outside, seemed to be adjusting as the year went on. He was looking forward to returning to school, he made plans to rent an apartment with several friends he’d made. He went on a brief travel abroad experience and then spent the summer working at an internship.</p>

<p>Then ‘something’ happened.</p>

<p>He lost all motivation - when he returned to school for his 2nd year, he started skipping almost all his classes. He was feeling extremely depressed. He called home to say he thought he needed to talk to a therapist. I looked up the school’s mental health information and found since he was legally an adult, I couldn’t make an appointment on his behalf. I gave him all the information on how to contact them, what the fees were, what the insurance info was… he never made an appointment. As his grades plumetted, I said I was tempted to drive down there and hold his hand and take him to the therapist and he yelled angrily, “Yeah, like I need my mommy to take me to the doctor.” Out of 5 courses - he dropped one, failed 2, got a C- in a course in his major, and managed a B- in an elective course that he should have and previously would have breezed through. The winter break involved MUCH discussing of the future and what he could do to get back on track or to change course. We discussed transferring schools, studying abroad, changing majors…,.,anything to change the routine and help him find his way. He opted to return for another semester and recommit to getting back on track. The next semester he improved…SLIGHTLY and passed all of the 4 courses he enrolled in, but dropped his GPA to just above the requirement to maintain his scholarship. </p>

<p>If any semester from this point forward he fails to get a 3.0 his scholarship will be in serious jeopardy.</p>

<p>If it weren’t for the scholarship, I’d support him taking a break and figuring things out, although working at the local fast food restaraunt isn’t the dream career that he’s seemed to make it in his mind, but with his scholarship, he doesn’t just have the luxury of taking a break and then going back later…and to complicate it farther, he’s supposed to start a co-op in about a month. When he started struggling, I thought the co-op would be a break for him, I encouraged it because it would give him a break from classes, give him an opportunity to work in his field, and maybe inspire/motivate him to want to finish his degree, but instead it’s leaving him feeling trapped. He doesn’t want to start the co-op at all when he really feels like he’s not going to be able to make it through all 3 required work periods.</p>

<p>If he walks away from school and sacrifices his scholarship, we’re not in a financial position for him to ever return. 100% out of state tuition isn’t an option and the in state options are limited if he wants to keep his same engineering major.</p>

<p>Maybe he is having mental health issues. I’ve seen numerous threads saying many show symptoms at this stage of life. Perhpas it’s depression. But since he’s an adult, I can’t force treatment on him. If he won’t go to a therapist on his own, I’m not sure what I’m able to do. </p>

<p>He’s watched many of his friends struggle over the last 2 years - 1 dropped out of school to live the dream of moving home and working for minimum wage that he wants to pursue, 1 dropped out and was pressured by parents to join the military, 1 dropped out to move home with no future plans, 1 (of his roommates) was arressted for dealing drugs out of their apartment… he doesn’t seem to have many positive role models his age!</p>

<p>I just want him to have a future. Even if it means sacrificing a substantial scholarship, I’ve discussed transferring to another school to see if that would help, discussed travelling abroad just for a change of environment, suggested that joining the military is a better option than working minimum wage if he does need to drop out, even suggested joining the Peace Corps. He’s floundering with no direction and I’m running out of options on life preservers that I can attempt to throw to him. It sucks standing and watching your child with so much potential drown in front of you!</p>

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<pre><code>Contact the school and see if he can take a leave of absence and still retain his scholarship. I know, for instance, my sons scholarship was for 8 semesters and as long as he had them he could use them. It will be specific to your sons school so he needs to find out.
</code></pre>

<p>If he tells you he is having problems I cant imagine what he is not telling you. Keep him home, keep an eye on him and let him take a break.</p>

<p>I wish you well. I know this isn’t easy . </p>

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<p>Top priority, his mental health.</p>

<p>To preserve his scholarship, he can take a medical leave. To accomplish this, he needs see a therapist. </p>

<p>It is time to reach a compromise on supporting him at home while he gets the right help. NAMI is a great resource. Check their website and make a call to a local chapter. Try to be on his side, because you are, in helping him navigate a new and scary place.</p>

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<p>Maybe he is having mental health issues?
No maybe about it, and sounds serious too.
Bring him home, and while the school may not allow you to make an appt for him, therapists in your area will allow it.
Make him a drs appt for a physical and also an appt with a psychiatrist or a psychologist.</p>

<p>Did you know intelligent people are more likely to be depressed?
<a href=“Resources for Gifted Children & their Families | Davidson Institute”>Resources for Gifted Children & their Families | Davidson Institute;
I’ve been much happier since Ive killed off brain cells.</p>

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<p>Schools often can be very accommodating to meeting students’ health needs, including mental health needs. As sax suggests, look into a leave of absence without losing the scholarship. </p>

<p>If he loses the scholarship, so be it. He’s in trouble psychologically and that should be your first concern. Work with the school on a temporary withdrawal (he can always return) and focus on his health. Get him counseling, get him on meds if necessary, allow him time to heal. Be supportive, be patient, talk to as many parents (and kids who’ve gone through something like this) as possible. They will be a source of great information and insight. </p>

<p>Know that many young people who struggle like this DO find their way back to school, to a normal, happy life. Your son need not think he’s “dropping out.” Or quitting school altogether. Encourage him to take things day by day and not make any big plans, about school or anything else. His life preserver is you, and your understanding. Focus on the help he needs now. </p>

<p>Best to you and your son. </p>

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<p>Your child’s well being is more important than ANY college degree or scholarship. Ask for a leave of absence. Find out if he can take a course or two elsewhere during that time. Most important…he needs a plan on what he WILL do during this leave…and this is not “chilling” and “hanging out”. It might need to include a job, counseling, volunteer work, etc. </p>

<p>He can always finish college at a later date…someplace else if need be.</p>

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<p>PS. Don’t encourage him to consider Peace Corps or the military. Both are meant for focused, strong people and your son is neither at the moment. Travel may be an option. My troubled son (similar situation to yours) really blossomed after coming back from a month in Nepal. He was enthusiastic enough about life and its opportunities to really embrace therapy and meds. Yes, it was expensive and yes it was a gamble. But with mental health, that’s the way it goes. You just have to try different approaches, if one or two don’t work, maybe the third one will. Keep trying until something “sticks.”</p>

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<p>OP, do you think maybe he doesn’t want to be an engineer and doesn’t see any way out of it besides dropping out? Just a thought. I agree that there are mental health issues. If he won’t see a therapist, maybe you can see one to help you try to get a handle on what’s going on in his mind.</p>

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<p>TWO S’s here, both very bright, both dropped out and pursued path OP’s S indicated. One S felt trapped in his major as a Junior, got caught up in on line gaming and quit going to classes until they threw him out. He did manual and minimum wage jobs supporting himself until his girlfriend told him to go back or find someone else. He went back, financed it himself and got the degree he should have gotten the first time. He is now married and working in his field, it just took at little longer.</p>

<p>The other S was in gifted and talented programs when he was younger, he also had LD issues. When he got to college he became a good time guy and finally miscalculated what it would take to keep his GPA up. He is still working as a bar tender, supporting himself. I figure it wil take a good woman to shape him up too :)</p>

<p>There is not necessarily a mental health issue, but it does not hurt to get a doctor checkup. Some just need a different time schedule to get where they will be successful. </p>

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<p>Unless he has some VERY compelling special skill, the Peace Corps will NOT consider his application. The vast majority of PC applicants are college grads. Anyone who isn’t is usually older than college age, and has compelling life experience that would benefit the PC. A student who has elected to leave college after his sophomore year, as a 20 year old, would likely NOT make the first cut.</p>

<p>In addition, the application is extensive and includes comprehensive medical forms.</p>

<p>If you have any concerns about your son’s mental health, the PC is NOT a good option.</p>

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<p>As noted the Peace Corps is not actually an option, however if his therapist & your son decide that structure may be therapeutic, AND, if he functions normally, he might want to consider something like Americorps.
He can even take a part time position, and it would earn him an education voucher that he could apply toward loans.</p>

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<p>You seem to have a lot invested in how intelligent he is, as you mention it several times. But his mental health is the priority, not his intelligence (or scholarship). Please think through the lens of “what can I do to help him restore his mental health” instead of the lens of “what can I do to protect his education” and see where that takes you.</p>

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<p>You know your son is having concerns about his mental health-this isn’t a “maybe”. He does, but one of the things I learned from having a close friend who struggles with depression is that even when you KNOW you need help, your depression tells you that you’re either not worth it or that it won’t help. It can also lead to anger at those trying to help. I agree with the NAMI suggestion. And while you can’t drag your son to the therapist, that’s the direction your S should be going, not Nepal or the Peace Corps. He needs to figure out WHY he’s feeling the way he does and deal with it. And you need to learn how to support that. I will leave the expertise about getting a medical leave to those who have BTDT, but it sounds like a good place to start. </p>

<p>After he’s gotten some help, he will be in a better position to make life-altering decisions. Good luck.</p>

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<p>When you said he yelled “Yeah, like I need my mommy to take me to the doctor.” , I thought… he is telling you that is exactly what he needs. Did he actually SAY he would not go? That response sounds a bit like answering a question with a question…not a definitive reply, even if it was said angrily. I’m not sure I caught where he is right now now,(home for summer?, Still at school?) if I were you I’d go visit him and while there get him set up with a therapist, or help him do the paperwork needed to take a medical leave and help him get situated with a therapist at home.<br>
Yes, he is legally an adult, but he is also struggling, and sometimes what seems like an unwillingness to do things for themselves is really a function of the issue itself, an inability to take action. Find the therapist for him. If they won’t let you set up the appointment, then get them on the line and hand him the phone. Maybe make a plan to take him to lunch and to his appointment. He may be mad, but it could help.</p>

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<p>^^
“Yes, he is legally an adult, but he is also struggling, and sometimes what seems like an unwillingness to do things for themselves is really a function of the issue itself, an inability to take action.”</p>

<p>Absolutely. </p>

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<p>Ask him to waive his FERPA rights at his college and permit you (+ dad?) to exchange information with the school. Also, ask him for Power of Attorney - Healthcare and other methods to enable you to participate in his healthcare until he is clear of this crisis. I hope he’d be willing to permit this support. </p>

<p>Perhaps something like Job Corps would work for him. JC is for low income young people, so it seems he’d not qualify for JC. </p>

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<p>strugglingmom, you say you’ve told him that you WILL NOT support him while he moves back home with no plan,
Seems to me his plan, and yours, should be to figure out what is going on with his mental health, and that’s probably going to involve your supporting him.</p>

<p>And it also seems to me that I’m getting the vibe of “Why does this kid want to quit school? No way I’m supporting that. He’s smart, he should suck it up and go back to school. And get As,” from you. Your son is in trouble. He should not be going back to school at this point. The scholarships are irrelevant. School can wait.</p>

<p>I’ve made mental health appointments for my adult son before. I’ve dragged him to them, too. You can do that, and you should. The therapist can’t tell you what was said in those mental health sessions, not without a release, but you can tell the therapist what you have seen in your son.</p>

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<p>I have so much sympathy for you! We went through a somewhat similar experience with my S six years ago. No scholarship involved, but he left a socalled “elite school” in the second semester of senior year, after the same up and down with grades (mostly from not going to class) his previous three semesters, after first two years of Dean’s List level. S wouldn’t admit at the time he was depressed, but it was clear he was in trouble. We did let him move back home; he worked at a serviceable job for about five years. At first we thought he was going to go back after a semester, but he’d taken a huge dislike for the school at the time (for personal reasons) and couldn’t make himself go back, to the point where we accepted he wouldn’t be graduating from that school, and maybe nowhere else, either. </p>

<p>But then in the past year he turned it around (yes, with encouragement from a girl), and petitioned to be reinstated (found out there was more wiggle room than the regulations state online, but it was a complex process), went back to school this past semester, finished with a high GPA and got his overall GPA back to respectable, graduated, and is starting a great entry-level professional job next week, which he is very excited about.</p>

<p>I tell you this because at the time, it seemed so permanent and dire; I mourned the future I thought he lost. But what was more important was who he was and how he was doing. His road got more difficult along th way, but I truly believe the fact that we did "support " him (by letting him live at home while working, and not giving up on him), made it possible for him to move forward.</p>

<p>I’m sending all kinds of Internet hugs–this is not easy. </p>

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<p>If the scholarship allows a deferral, there may be strict rules. Eg, at D’s school the application and all supporting documentation must be submitted no later than 30 days prior to start of term in which the deferral begins. Check into this as soon as possible. If the reason is mental health, the documentation will be letters from doctors, so he needs to get an initial appt with psych/therapist right away so there is time to complete this before fall semester.</p>

<p>Pay attention to the terms of the deferral. E.g., some specifically forbid taking classes at another university during the deferral period. </p>

<p>Is he still living on campus? If so, then you may have to deal with paying a huge fee to cancel the housing reservation, or finding out how to get it waived if the withdrawal is for medical reasons. If he has a lease signed for off-campus housing for he upcoming year, you have other issues to deal with to get him out of that.</p>

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<p>OP, Just reread your original post. If one of your son’s roommates was dealing drugs, a roommate he chose as a friend and roommate to share an apt with, not someone he was thrown in a dorm with freshman year, then you should consider there is a good chance that drugs are involved as well as any ‘non-drug’ mental health issues.</p>

<p>$15 a month for car ins? Young male under 25? Put me in touch with his ins company, please. I would love to get rates like that. It is a good thing though, that he is thinking about a budget, even if wildly unrealistic. Perhaps you could sit down with him and try to craft a real world budget, in a non-confrontational way.</p>

<p>Also, it is a huge hurdle for a depressed person to pick up the phone and make these initial calls to get appts., though it seems like a trivial thing to others. If the mental helath clearinghouse or clinic or whoever it is you deal with insists on talking with your son to make an appt (as our does for adult children) you can still get over the hurdle by making the call yourself and starting the conversation then handing the phone to him, if that is acceptable to him. Our providers feel that if the prospective patient won’t talk to them on the phone, he also won’t show up for the appt., a separate concern from the privacy stuff. </p>