<p>We have a rule at home - no dating before 15. D1 claimed it totally ruined her dating life in HS. Last year D2, at age of 14.5, asked us if we could push the time line up a bit because a boy had asked her out to a movie. I thought about it for a day or two and agreed to it. The boy’s father drove the boy to the theater, D1 drove D2. D1 and the father shook hands before they went off. D2 was picked up by her sister when the movie was finished. D2 thought she liked the boy, but after 2 weeks of it she was over it. She hasn’t had a “boyfriend” since then. </p>
<p>OP - work through your mind on what’s bothering you about the situation. You seem to be fine with your son’s situation. There must be something else that’s not sitting right with you - it could be your daughter’s maturity, the boy she is interested in, or your fear of letting your baby go.</p>
<p>I would just like to add, if you should decide to say no, you need to be clear about why, and you should let her know when she could start dating. I don’t think she would be convinced if you treat her and her brother differently. </p>
<p>Other than age 15 rule, we don’t get in the way of our D1’s dating. She is very open with me on everything she’s doing, because whether I like the boy or not I don’t usually say much. When she’s decided to go on birth control, she came to me first and I took her to the doctor.</p>
<p>Last spring a friend of my D’s started “going” out with a boy my D also knew. The parents of the girl said no dating till 16. Last summer I was in the awkward position that the girl would often come to my house to spend the day. Often the boy would also come over to spend the day. At one point I asked the girl does your Mom and Dad know that the boy is also here. She said No. I gave her the choice to tell them or I would. She talked to them and they were fine with her spending time with the boy if my D was present. It put my D in an awkward position. She should not have been asked to do this. Also on one occasion he showed up at the beach when my H was with D and the girl. My husband had to tell them to lay on separate towels. Another awkward moment. The boy was a family friend who we have known since age 5. It was not unusual for him to hang out at our house. Another way the kids get around the no dating is to go to the movies or the mall with a group of girls and the boys meet them there.
My rising soph also has a boyfriend. They don’t do much aside from talk on the phone or hang out at one house or the other for a few hours. I think at this age it is totally appropriate to also have a conversation with the other parent to make sure you are on the same page regarding supervision.</p>
<p>I would be a little worried that your D may see a double standard if her brother had a GF in ninth grade (her current age). Perhaps you are more worried because she is a girl? I understand it is new territory for you but we can’t hold 'em back. You can set parameters of where and when and so on. But not allowing BF/GF seems unrealistic and may invite them not to be open with you in the future. Like oldfort, my D came to us about birth control and I think she may not have had we not been open and approachable about such matters.</p>
<p>I agree with mom60. The kids will find a way to meet up regardless of your rules. Better to have it out in the open. I also agree with her about the issue of supervision. We were always strict with that and for example, D would not be going over the boy’s house or to a party where we did not check that the parents would be home.</p>
<p>When my D was your D’s age, she had a boyfriend who lived seven hours away and even went to visit and stayed at his family’s house. He also visited here.</p>
<p>oldfort brought up a good point. What is the age or grade of the boy? In the early years of high school I would prefer to see the same age or maybe a yr older.</p>
<p>For D1, we told her (well ahead of time) that we would prefer that she wait until she was 16 to date. When she was 15 1/2, she met a boy (same age) at a camp that she wanted to date. He called and asked if she would come to his grandparents for dinner (he lived with them)… we really couldn’t say no to that. They had a few more dates, driven by me and the boy’s grandfather. She finally decided he was just “one more thing to do” that she didn’t need in her busy schedule and broke up with him. She didn’t date again in high school (although probably would have if the right opportunity had come up).</p>
<p>Fast forward to freshman year of college, she just brought home a really great young man. She freely shares quite a bit of information with me about her relationship with him, and I thoroughly approve of him. So in our case it worked out okay to have some flexibility.</p>
<p>D2… is gay and extremely bright, can’t imaging her finding someone to date in high school. So I haven’t even discussed dating rules with her…</p>
<p>The thing that stuck out as a red flag to me was that you say your son had a girlfriend at 15, although he “wasn’t really allowed to date”. Not only should that be living proof that your daughter will continue to try and see this boy no matter what you say about it, it also may seem unfair to her that he had a girlfriend then but she still cannot date.</p>
<p>I had a boyfriend literally a few weeks after my 15th birthday, and my younger sister is approaching that age and putting pressure on my parents to allow her to start dating since I dated then. The oldest child really does set the standard and in my eyes it’s not fair to let one start dating earlier than another unless they really are different as far as their goals/ambition level, which is apparently not an issue with your daughter.</p>
<p>I like the idea of setting the bf and dating parameters. I especially like the idea of my DH driving them to the theater - last impressions…He sounds like a nice person, I just haven’t met him yet. I believe he’s a year older. She really clicked with the soph crowd because of the higher level classes she took as a freshman. </p>
<p>I do worry about the double standard. I wasn’t comfortable with S and gf when I first found out. Now, things are fine. D is so much more serious about school and she’s responsible. So that said, I just have to accept that my kids are growing up. I am happy that they’re finding their way but it doesn’t make it easier on us parents!</p>
<p>In light of the fact that your daughter felt free to speak with you openly and honestly, instead of lying as she could have done, I think you should show her the same respect and work out a compromise you can both live with. It wouldn’t be good for her to take away from this the conclusion that she can’t be honest with you. I understand that you’re emotional, but you should really go back to her and tell her how proud you are that she came to you directly and that you want to meet the boy. Go from there.</p>
<p>At the end of sophomore year, my daughter wanted to date a boy 2 years older than she. I had a howling hissy fit until D1 told me to meet him. I skewered the pour soul (which made me feel better), but let me tell you he is the best thing for her. Her grades, which were always excellent, have gone through the roof, she’s become more adventuresome (in a good way) and he is her biggest cheerleader. A totally excellent situation in which my ground rules govern all.</p>
<p>My D was a bit younger than yours when we found out she had her first boyfriend (and no, she hadn’t told us about it). She was in middle school. Our first reaction as parents was to say, “No, you can’t have a BF, you are too young,” but then we thought about it. We realized that while we could control where she went and with whom, we couldn’t control what she thought or said. If she wanted to think of this boy as her BF, or tell people they were a couple, we couldn’t realistically stop her. We would just be setting up a power struggle. Plus, we would just make the whole thing seem more forbidden and therefore more enticing. So instead, we reminded her that she was not allowed to go on dates until she went to high school. And that was fine with her. She and the boy considered themselves BF & GF, they talked online, they sat together at lunch in school and occasionally went to the movies in a GROUP with other kids. But they didn’t go on “dates” for over a year. As it turned out, the boy was very nice, very mature, a top student, and had a wonderful family with whom we eventually became friends. He and D eventually parted ways, but I have never regretted our decision to allow the “relationship” even though they were only in middle school when it began.</p>
<p>If your D has finished her freshman year, she is old enough to date (IMHO). You certainly can and should meet the boy, and insist that you or his parents (or another trusted adult) drive them places, and give her a reasonable curfew. It may turn out that this boy is actually a good influence on her. </p>
<p>(My 17 year old D has had 3 BF’s. The first one, from middle school, is likely to end up as Valedictorian next year. The second one was a disaster, but D learned from the pain and drama - she now knows what she does NOT want in a relationship. The current BF is wonderful and I think he and D are good for each other - they’re both goal oriented and supportive of each other.)</p>
<p>But I don’t agree with your concerns about distracting her from her goals. Good grief, it’s summer! If she can’t kick back and relax a little in the summer, WHEN can she? And I believe there is as much to be learned from relationships - good and bad ones - as there is from classes.</p>
<p>CIA, that is honestly what she said to me (privately, of course). Well, I think the actual words were, “he feels just like one more thing on my to-do list”. I shared my opinion with her that this could be a sign that he isn’t the right guy for her, and she agreed. She broke up with him the next week (but of course she didn’t use those words to him). Turned out he had been hoping they would get married eventually… so it may have been merciful that she figured out earlier rather than later that he was not a great match. </p>
<p>The current BF is MUCH more than just a thing on her to-do list (although they do make appointments to video chat at specific times, so he is ON the do list… I just think his priority is a lot higher than the previous boy’s). She is definitely making room for him in her life, but in a healthy way - - they are both excellent students, and spend quite a bit of study time together. Her grades were great last year, and he seems like a kind and thoughtful individual, so I have no complaints.</p>
but we can’t hold 'em back. You can set parameters of where and when and so on. But not allowing BF/GF seems unrealistic and may invite them not to be open with you in the future. Like oldfort, my D came to us about birth control and I think she may not have had we not been open and approachable about such matters.</p>