<p>Last night, my D told me that she has a boyfriend. She just finished her freshman yr in hs and is a great student. She asked me if she could go to the movies with him and I said no. I went on to explain that she’s too young to date and that I felt she shouldn’t have a boyfriend this young. She’s got a lot going on w/summer classes and her sport - which keeps her really busy during the summer. I told her it was okay to have friends who are boys but having a boyfriend is another thing. Her brother has had a steady girlfriend since his freshman yr and is now a sr but he wasn’t really allowed to date until his jr yr. Plus, his gf has always been goal oriented and just graduated as a top scholar and is going to a top univ.
I have always be open w/my opinions on hs relationships and I don’t want her to rebel. I am also worried about her thinking there’s a double standard. Her dad and I were high school sweethearts but we were both goal oriented and even went different colleges in diff. states.<br>
I hope I’m not overreacting. I’m not opposed to her having boyfriends - I just don’t want it to interfere w/her goals. She has a good chance at an athletic scholarship if she works hard in her sport. She is also an honor student and will be challenging herself w/high level classes. Did I do the right thing by telling her NO to boyfriends?</p>
<p>What behavior by your great student, great athlete, taking extra classes in the summer daughter make you thinks she is not mature enough to go on dates, which you will be driving her to and from?</p>
<p>No, I don’t think you did the right thing. Having just finished freshmen year, she’s presumably, what, 15? I think that’s a reasonable age to date. She can’t drive, so you (or your husband, or the boy’s parents) would have to bring them to the movies and such, so they’re moderately supervised. If she’s a good student and is taking summer classes, she appears to have some motivation to do well, and won’t let a boyfriend deter that. Let her have a little fun-it sounds like her summer is packed enough. At that age, a boyfriend can help to teach her balance between school, activities and a social life. I understand not wanting her to be with this boy constantly, to let it interfere, but if you allow it as most 15 year olds are allowed, she’ll have nothing to rebel against and will likely have a good experience that can build up the trust between you two.</p>
<p>Also, from the sound of it, you ARE setting a double standard. You say her brother was dating at that age, but his girlfriend was goal orientated. It sure sounds like your daughter has goals in mind and is hard working. </p>
<p>I’m biased, sure, but this is coming from someone entering an ivy league next year, did well all throughout high school, will be playing a college sport, and whose parents always trusted me to balance my life as I saw fit, and let me date. I’d say it worked for me, and it sounds like your daughter is in a similar situation as I’ve been through.</p>
<p>I don’t know the details of course, and there could be a situation involving her that would make you more cautious to let her date, but it sounds like she’s a good kid who should be allowed to experience some typical fun high school stuff, like dating.</p>
<p>chuy, its not so much the behavior that I’m thinking about (at this point). Its “going down that road” of relationships. She’s the first of her friends who has asked for permission to date (or the close friends I know).</p>
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<p>What do you mean by “wasn’t really allowed”? Could he, for example, go to the movies with the girl after his freshman year of high school?</p>
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<p>Is D not goal oriented? What about the proposed boyfriend?</p>
<p>What was D’s reaction when you said NO? And did you mean, by capitalizing no, to say that you rather announced it as not being open to discussion?</p>
<p>lilyrobin, thank you for your reply. I was hoping that someone could help me see things from another point of view.</p>
<p>I personally don’t agree with what you did, though I’m certain that many people will have different opinions, and of course a lot depends on your daughter and your relationship with her–you actually know her, unlike all of us here, so take this advice with a grain of salt. </p>
<p>If you really want her not to rebel, telling her unequivocally that she can’t date right now because she’s too young is not the best way to go about it. She certainly doesn’t think she’s too young, so it could feel patronizing to her. But you have a point, that relationships can skew priorities and that she IS rather young. Perhaps instead, you could speak frankly with her about your concerns, but in a way that encourages her to talk about how she feels and what her priorities are. </p>
<p>If she is dead set on having a boyfriend, you probably won’t be able to stop her–but you can talk to her about how to be in a healthy and age-appropriate relationship (emotionally and physically), how to keep her priorities in order, and set yourself up as a person that she can come talk to when she’s confused or lost. </p>
<p>If you focus on the specifics that you’re concerned about (time commitment, etc.) as opposed to The Relationship and The Boy as the problems, you two will hopefully be able to negotiate something that satisfies both of you (can they watch a movie at your house? go to a movie with a few other friends too? go to a movie only if her sports and academic commitments are up to date?). </p>
<p>Good luck!</p>
<p>No problem, we teenage girls gotta stick up for each other! I hope your daughter finds happiness and, whatever happens, it turns out to be a good experience for her and for you, as a mother who clearly cares deeply about her.</p>
<p>So if she didn’t tell you he was a ‘boyfriend’, would you have let her go to the movies with a guy friend? And what would you do if the guy friendship evolved into something more exclusive?</p>
<p>She is open and honest with you as she explores this new aspect of teen life. Don’t blow it and encourage her to sneak around.</p>
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I’d have been mortified at having to ask permission from my parents to date at 15, and don’t know anyone else who felt the need. The fact that she came to you in the first place should tell you a lot. She’s presumably going to be driving and everything in a year or so, or at least driving around with friends, and wouldn’t you rather she get a little experience dating while she still has to rely on you for a ride?</p>
<p>I don’t agree with your stance on this. I think you are predicting problems when none may exist. It would be different if your D had a boyfriend and it was interfering with her life’s goals. </p>
<p>I have two daughters and only one has dated. She was dating throughout high school and throughout college. She is extremely goal oriented with very high standards of performance and achievement and is very very driven (I know I am her mom but everyone who knows her says this). She has had several long term relationships at this point of at least a year each (she is now 20 and just graduated college) and she has never let dating a boy interfere with her goals and heavy duty involvement in academics and extracurricular endeavors. Time with the boy never takes precedence. She fits it into her life somehow but never diminishes her goals and endeavors for the relationship. </p>
<p>I don’t know your D but given how you describe her, you don’t have reason to believe that a boyfriend will take the place of her pursuing her goals and achievements full throttle. If she dates and it becomes a problem, then deal with it. </p>
<p>Also, by saying she is not allowed to date, it is not going to take away the “relationship”…they will either use phone, IM, email, text messaging or informal get togethers among friends to keep the relationship going. They may even sneak around. I don’t see how actual movie dates will make the difference. If they want a relationship, they’ll have one regardless. You could discuss parameters in terms of how late she may stay out or how often she may go out or that she needs to finish X, Y, or Z in order to do it (if that becomes an issue). </p>
<p>If your D is goal driven, she won’t give up her goals for a boy. My D hasn’t at all. My D has a BF right now who she has dated for the past 15 months and her career is just getting started and in fact, she was cast to go on a tour for a couple of months. Never did she ever say she would not take the opportunity because she would be apart from her BF! In fact, he did a tour last fall himself. Same idea. Her goals come first. But she fits a BF into her life somehow.</p>
<p>Parent here. D’s are 17 and nearly 19. I think that telling her she can’t have a boyfriend is a bit much if she is a rising sophomore. Now, saying that she can’t go out in a car with a boy, that’s OK. What is the harm in having a BF? If he has to hang out with her at your house, and if they can only go to the movies with a group of friends and you drive them and pick them up, what is the harm.</p>
<p>If she is 15/going on 15, better to let her have a BF and have him over than for her to be tempted to have a BF behind your back. Then she is going to her friends house to be with the BF, or going with a group to meet the BF at the movies. </p>
<p>Just my two cents. There is a way to have a BF without having a BF. There is a way to have a BF with limitations on what that entails. I think that approach is more reasonable than “you can’t have a BF.”</p>
<p>ADad, even though S has been w/gf for a while, its a very casual relationship. They’re both very busy. They’ve just started spending time together outside of school in the last yr. I feel comfortable w/it since we’ve gotten to know her. I don’t want to hold D back from what is really a natural hs experience but boy, was I surprised!<br>
D is as goal oriented as a fresh/soph can be. She has more talent in her sport than she realizes and coaches have approached us telling us so. I may feel better about this if I meet the boy. She says he’s an avg student who’s involved in sports.<br>
I didn’t say no to boyfriends - I told her that I feel she’s too young to date exclusively but there’s nothing wrong w/going in groups. I told her that was the way her dad and I started dating.
etselec, I am starting to feel that I’ve overreacted. Yes, she’ll be driving in a year but so much emotional growth happens in one year!<br>
Funny, i reread my post and I realized that I said at I’m not two different things - that i’m not opposed to boyfriends and I said NO to boyfriends! If I knew she was keeping her priorities straight and I knew this boy, I would feel okay with it.</p>
<p>There’s absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to meet the kid, and if she’s going to be seeing him outside of school it’s pretty much a necessity.</p>
<p>Re Post #13:
Well, you have no reason to suspect that she won’t keep her priorities straight. If they get skewed, deal with it at that time. She should be trusted if she is a good student and an athlete who excels to continue with her goals. </p>
<p>As far as dating, even if you say no to the movie date, it is very likely she will go to the movies with her girlfriends and arrange to meet the boys once they are there. </p>
<p>Right now, you could control other things such as who drives them and picks them up and where she can go. </p>
<p>If you don’t know him, invite him over for dinner or some such. </p>
<p>As far as dating “exclusively”…I dunno but most kids don’t date more than one person at a time. But I would not take it as “serious” at such a young age. I have never considered my D’s HS or college boyfriends as super serious but rather the boy they were dating at that time in their lives. I didn’t evaluate them for potential. It was just part of her growing up to date boys. That’s all.</p>
<p>Perhaps you could get to know the boy a little and also share your concerns about priorities with D?</p>
<p>Wanting to meet him is totally a reasonable request! If your daughter wants to spend time with anyone exclusively-boyfriend, close friend, whatever, at her age I think that’s your right to know who he is on a level more than hearing about him. I’d assumed you already had.</p>
<p>Thank you, everyone. I didn’t realize how emotional I was going to get about this. I definitely will ask to meet him and you’re right, soozievt, I shouldnt make decisions based on things that might (but haven’t) happened. Now, how to talk to DH about this…</p>
<p>I was going to pipe in, but I see the situation has resolved itself in an hour and 11 minutes! 
Good luck.</p>
<p>lilmom, I commend you for seeking other opinions from other parents and rethinking the situation and adjusting it.</p>