<p>“Is this not the case anymore? I was just invited to one, and I assumed I wasn’t supposed to bring a gift, but maybe I’m wrong. Does anyone know what the custom is these days? :-)” </p>
<p>I was invited to an after the wedding party hosted by the brides parents (my 1st cousin.) It was a second marriage though the first lasted less then a year and was only 4 years ago. I gave a large monetary gift the first time, plus was a hostess at her shower. The parents were not paying for the 2nd wedding (they paid for the first and it was a 6 figure affair) and the couple was keeping it fairly small - 75 people and mostly the couples friends and immediate family. Even though I spent a lot of money the first time I felt I had to do something to acknowledge their marriage and gave a small-ish check. I saw a lot of other envelopes being carried around so I assume most gave the couple something.</p>
Sorry if I wasn’t clear. It wasn’t a matter of not knowing everybody at the shower, it was a matter of knowing no one other than the bride, her mother and her sister. In any event, I declined the invite.</p>
<p>“Sorry if I wasn’t clear. It wasn’t a matter of not knowing everybody at the shower, it was a matter of knowing no one other than the bride, her mother and her sister. In any event, I declined the invite.”</p>
<p>Was this the only shower she had? I would have been very hurt if my nieces didn’t invite me to their bridal shower.</p>
<p>I will have nothing to do with the guest list or invitations for my shower, I’m just showing up at the door. Why be mad at the bride?</p>
<p>Something to think about… I am realizing just how many opportunities there are for my in laws and extended family members to get mad at me for things I had nothing to do with. We’ve only just set our date and I feel like the etiquette police because every time I turn around somebody is doing something they shouldn’t be at the risk of making me look bad-- my family thinks I just have ideals above my station from watching we tv and does things however they want. I have stunningly little control over anything that is happening right now. I’m not even hosting the wedding, all I get to control is my little not-engagement party!</p>
<p>“I will have nothing to do with the guest list or invitations for my shower, I’m just showing up at the door. Why be mad at the bride?”</p>
<p>I’ve been a hostess at numerous bridal showers and we always consult with bride on invites, but I suppose if it’s only a co-workers thing an Aunt might not be invited, so I can see your point.</p>
So you weren’t invited to the wedding itself? You didn’t make the A list (even being a first cousin who was close enough to host a shower for the first wedding), but you felt you needed to give something at the after-party. Do you think the “after wedding party” was really just a thinly-disguised gift grab?</p>
<p>In our case the bride’s mother is holding the engagement party at her home. We adults will invite 10 to 15 of our dearest friends. The bride’s family (parents are divorced) will take care of their list. The “most” invitees? The young generation will be invited on the off chance that some one doesn’t know someone.</p>
<p>The invitation states No Gifts. No pussyfooting here. This is a party period. </p>
<p>I believe that I’ve mentioned that there will be two or three showers. When I was a child my mother went to a wedding shower. She related back then that a financially challenged family member was cringing. She was afraid that she would be looked down on because she (the cousin) didn’t bring a big gift. The bride was a lady No one had “hurt” feelings.</p>
<p>This doesn’t dovetail with my experience. When my girlfriends and I were of-marrying-age, it was very common that the “young people” would host a shower for our friend and then the “older people” (older! these women were in their FORTIES, LOL!) – typically friends of the bride’s mother who had seen the bride grow up – would hold a shower which was more for relatives and family friends, but those of us young people who were standing up for the bride would still be invited. </p>
<p>There is no planet in which I would have “resented” showing up at 2 of these showers and / or spending money for 2 gifts. It feels stingy in spirit to me to resent it. I am very frugal in a lot of areas in my life, and money was tight back then as we were all just starting out, but it gave me great pleasure to figure out some way to scrounge up $20 in my budget to go to Crate and Barrel and get my best friend some cute dishtowels or ice cream glasses with a scoop and wrap it attractively and festively. I don’t know, I just can’t see spending money to celebrate the happy events of people dear to me as a waste.</p>
<p>When I was a young I attended a few VERY social showers. The bride and both sides of the family told us, with no bargaining allowed that we were wanted at every party. BUT we were not allowed to bring something new. We were advised to rewrap the present, take a picture of the present to all events. We had fun. We were included. And no one broke the bank.</p>
<p>A couple my son and daughter are friends with got married with no advance notice while on vacation last year. Fast forward to this year. after buying presents for several friends weddings, they decided they’d missed out on that, so they threw themselves a first year celebration reception sort of dinner, complete with a very high-end registry (and friend sort of hinted that she really wanted registry presents.) D and her H resigned themselves to a very upscale frying pan. S, on my advice, opted for small check instead. Nice couple, but sort of questionable approach.</p>
<p>That is a pet peeve - registries that don’t offer options up and down the range of prices. It’s rude to assume that just because your parents’ friends can drop a few hundred bucks, everyone can. </p>
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<p>I’ve gone to showers for my husband’s cousins where I’ve known no one other than the bride and a few other relatives (my MIL, my SILs). I’m still not sure what the problem is? Depending where people live and how often extended families get together, I wouldn’t expect to know a lot of these people, at all. I have a very small family and what little extended family my H has, they don’t all live in the same area or hang around together.</p>
<p>“So you weren’t invited to the wedding itself? You didn’t make the A list (even being a first cousin who was close enough to host a shower for the first wedding), but you felt you needed to give something at the after-party. Do you think the “after wedding party” was really just a thinly-disguised gift grab?”</p>
<p>When the bride told me about the wedding and that they were paying for it the first thing out of my mouth was “please don’t feel obligated to invite us!” But none of the first cousins were (we are a very big family.) It was also his first wedding so they wanted to include more of his family. There are enough family weddings to go around that not being invited to one is no big deal. </p>
<p>I think everyone understood - including our extended family and the brides parent’s friends who came to the party and I don’t think anyone felt it was a gift grab.</p>
<p>“and then the “older people” (older! these women were in their FORTIES, LOL!) – typically friends of the bride’s mother who had seen the bride grow up – would hold a shower which was more for relatives and family friends, but those of us young people who were standing up for the bride would still be invited.”</p>
<p>This is what the showers I host are like. There are always 10 or so of the brides closest friends - even if they are all not in the wedding party.</p>
<p>Pizzagirl, I get your point of view, but my mother was not encouraging people to be stingy or mean. I grew up in a rural area with great economic diversity and while my family is fortunate to be at the high end financially, that was not/ is not the case for a number of our family members and friends. there were people invited to my wedding who were on very limited budgets and my mother was acting out of consideration and respect for those people.</p>
<p>PG, the kind of shower where people give an ice cream scoop or a couple of pretty dishtowels is not the problem. My mother has often told me that that was the norm back when she was in her 20s: small gifts and a good time for all. The showers we now see, with people being expected to purchase a significant registry gift, are another kettle of fish altogether.</p>
<p>Is that really an expectation, though? I’ve been in economic circumstances where I purchased dishtowels and tied them with a pretty ribbon, and circumstances in which I bought the Mixmaster off the registry list, and everywhere in between. Either way, it’s what reflected what I could afford at that stage in my life and how close I was to the person. If someone else judged my offering-of-dishtowels, that would reflect poorly on them, not on me. Life’s too short to worry about it. If all you can do is dishtowels and a pretty ribbon, do it and own it! (It’s rather like the - if all you can do is cake and punch in the living room, then so be it!) There’s nothing attractive or stylish or impressive about stretching beyond your means to do something just to impress others.</p>
<p>I think it does differ based on location, religion and frankly, one’s budget.</p>
<p>I was raised in Southern California in a junior league world (that trumped all religions & ethnicity) and one strictly adhered to etiquette. Max & I live in the Pacific Northwest and were married here but my family pretty much kept to the Emily Post way of doing things.</p>
<p>One shower was here and the other was in my hometown hosted by my mother’s BFF. Both were high tea type events. My bridesmaids threw a surprise engagement party for us. There were no gifts, just a very nice catered affair and lots of alcohol. The guest list included only us young people. Everyone invited was also on the wedding guest list. My friend’s neighbors are still talking it about 21 years later :)</p>
<p>Max’s parents paid for the rehearsal dinner and they insisted it be at an expensive dinner house. My parents (at their insistence) paid for the wedding with the exception of the flowers and the car, which Max covered.</p>
<p>I recently hosted a shower for the daughter of a close friend. It was a high tea type of event, and everyone on the guest list was invited to the wedding. She was given two other showers – one by the groom’s family in another state and the third by work friends. </p>
<p>In those situations where the happy couple has only registered for $100 plus items, one always has the choice to purchase off of the list. </p>
<p>We attended a wedding on Saturday of a good friend who did not register at all, insisting that they didn’t need anything. We vacillated between a restaurant gift card and cash. I ran out of time to get the gift card so they got money.</p>
<p><a href=“Per%20the%20Miss%20Manners%20link”>quote</a> Multiple showers are warranted only when the bride or the couple has more than one distinct set of intimate friends. They should not be catch-all occasions, and nobody should be expected to attend more than one.
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<p>I don’t know anybody who doesn’t have distinct sets of friends from different circles, be it work, school, clubs, relatives - who often don’t know one another. My college girlfriends don’t know my friends that I’ve made through work. My friends I’ve made through work have never met my sister or mother. And so forth.</p>
<p>And I adore MM, but I do have to disagree on the “nobody should be expected to attend more than one.” If my sister’s girlfriends throw her a wedding shower and invite me, and her groom-to-be’s mother’s dearest friends throw her a shower to welcome her in the family and invite me, I should really turn one of those down? REALLY? Who here would actually do that?</p>
<p>I love Miss Manners. One of my pet peeves is people throwing showers for their own kids. Ick.</p>
<p>Pizzagirl, I think immediate family would be exempt from MM “nobody should be expected” rule. Mothers and sisters would be included in almost everything. </p>
<p>When I got engaged, I expected to have no showers. Then the people at work surprised me, my husband’s mom’s friends had one for me, and the Army wives had one too. And my husband’s family did a family party. There was no overlap in the guest lists at all. I was shocked at everyone’s generosity.</p>