<p>
</p>
<p>Gotta love Miss Manners on this one!</p>
<p>I should add that, although I basically agree with her on everything, there are times that we have broken these rules under unusual circumstances; and I see nothing wrong with that - it was our choice.</p>
<p>MD Mom - My pet peeve, too! I can’t imagine a time or situation where I would EVER throw my own daughter a shower.</p>
<p>I’m with you PizzaGirl. There are times when being a guest twice is warranted. I’m always surprised when the groom or brides mother isn’t at a shower. It’s nice as a guest to meet them before the wedding.</p>
<p>I don’t see anything wrong with having the bride’s or groom’s mothers and wedding party as guests at more than one shower so that people can meet them. I would tell them NOT to bring gifts, though: the pleasure of their company is gift enough. :)</p>
<p>Also note that MM said they should not be EXPECTED to attend more than one. They can always choose to do so.</p>
<p>I agree with you, PG, about the degree of formality/elegance of events. A high tea is much more my style than a backyard BBQ. (For one thing, despite the fact that I am an accomplished cook, I am a LOUSY griller! 
) The essential thing is that the event feel gracious and pleasant, IMHO. I always used to be very irritated at people who would come to my parties when we were in our 20s/early 30s who would say “Wow, you really went all out!” Smiling between clenched teeth, I wanted to say “By this time you should be accustomed to the fact that I a) own china and use it, and b) am not going to serve nothing but chips and onion dip and a veggie platter from the supermarket.” But I refrained. :D</p>
<p>Pizzagirl, As I mentioned in a recent thread, immediate family can certainly be an exception! I agree with Consolation that they needn’t bring additional gifts. But it’s the host’s responsibility to make up an appropriate guest list. A guest can always choose to attend if invited. </p>
<p>I’m in the demographic being discussed. When I was married, showers were rare and as Chevda says, they are not traditional. Quite a few close relatives and friends of parents did send engagement gifts on their own. Today, with the children of my friends, showers are more common than they were , but by no means in the majority.</p>
<p>I feel like 99% of my life is casual - and while backyard BBQ’s are fine for everyday entertaining, it’s fun to occasionally host or attend an event that calls for a little more care, thought, planning and polish. So I truly didn’t get the “engagement parties should be on the backyard BBQ end of the spectrum.” Why?? The showers I’ve been to all have been planned with some care and attention as well, and yes, people dressed up for them. Not to the nines, necessarily, but to a level higher than everyday jeans and t-shirts.</p>
<p>“When I was married, showers were rare and as Chevda says, they are not traditional.”</p>
<p>Is this just an Orthodox tradition? I had a shower, all my friends had showers, my moms friends D’s all had showers and this is a cohort who would be 58+ years old now? Now none of us had baby showers but I know several young jewish women who are even having them now.</p>
<p>Sometimes people are at points in their lives where attending a baby shower or bridal shower is SO MUCH FUN!!</p>
<p>I learn something new on this thread every day. 
Until now I’ve never heard of a shower (other than perhaps something small at the office) where the bride or her mother or future mother-in-law didn’t make the guest list and the hostess then used that list for the invitations she sent. I have never given a shower where I made up a guest list. Usually I don’t know at least some of the guests. I used to not like to put registry information on an invitation, but gave up on that a few years ago. Since these days someone could be registered almost anywhere, it is almost necessary for every guest to call and inquire. That just seems to be nonsensical after a while and pretty time consuming for everyone involved.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>I’m a little younger than that but we all had wedding and baby showers too. I really haven’t noticed much change in these showers over the years. Typically they are either ladies’ luncheon types of things, whether held at a country club, nice restaurant or at home, or they are couples showers that focus on the young people and their friends. </p>
<p>What I personally don’t like are the games - like fashioning a veil out of toilet paper (ugh). One or two word games might be ok, but I think it’s fine when people just chat with one another.</p>
<p>My favorite one that I gave was a pottery-painting wedding shower – it was a group where few people knew one another (friends from different circles of the bride, and the groom had many sisters, none of whom knew the bride’s friends) and the pottery-painting gave people an activity to relax and make small talk over and really break the ice. This was years ago, though, when pottery-painting was the “hot new thing.” I don’t know what a similar thing would be today?</p>
<p>One of my daughter’s best friend announced her engagement. Good. Bad? They are having a three night extravaganza in the desert. At a hotel which is…$400 a night (plus tax, parking fee and resort fee). The only thing that my daughter isn’t paying for is dinner for the wedding night.</p>
<p>My daughter is stunned. This wedding will cost her hotel, food, dress (she’s a bridesmaid) and anything she wants to do. (I believe breathing is free.)</p>
<p>And…the registry? NOTHING under $250.<br>
…and I did forget the shower…and the planned Vegas weekend.</p>
<p>^^variations on this theme seem to be happening more and more often. What is the correct way to handle it? Should those invited to be in the wedding party just start saying, “I would love to be in your wedding, it would be such an honor, but I just can’t afford it.” </p>
<p>??</p>
<p>“Typically they are either ladies’ luncheon types of things, whether held at a country club, nice restaurant or at home, or they are couples showers that focus on the young people and their friends.”</p>
<p>This is my experience, also.</p>
<p>bevhills and alh - how about the bachelorette party??? D1 is in a wedding next summer, and the maid of honor is planning the bachelorette party. Her first plan was a long weekend at the Turks and Caicos! Which would have run D1 around $1500. Thankfully the maid of honor downgraded the event to another one of the Virgin Islands which is a bit further, but accommodations are a bit less, so D1 thinks she can make it out of the weekend for around $1000.</p>
<p>My experience is that people turn down being in a bridal party a lot these days because they can’t afford it, and it isn’t just in those extravagant situations-- being a bridesmaid is expensive even normally, imo. I think it’s common (and appropriate) when the bride knows her good friend cant afford it, to offer to pay as many of her expenses as possible. I think throwing an event that expensive and not offering to cover the bridal party’s hotel, at minimum, is inexcusable.</p>
<p>I just bought gifts off a registry for the first time for my cousin’s wedding, which is this weekend. They registered for SO MANY things, some as expensive as $300, others as inexpensive as $5. I wanted to spend around $100 and buy something COOL, and all the COOL $100 things were taken, so I bought a few cheaper things that added up to something more in line with what I had in mind… It was all very neat and convenient. She did a good job registering for an assortment. Surprisingly, all her very expensive items have already been purchased, and many of the cheaper items-- but almost NONE of her dishes! I assumed the dishes would be the first things people bought, she’ll have one quarter of a set now.</p>
<p>We are tacky people I guess, because it’s customary on both sides of the family for the bride’s family to host a shower (the ONLY shower)-- and evidently my new cousin’s family is the same as her mother threw hers along with my aunt. We don’t invite anyone but family, so I suppose we are safe from offending anybody else. Everybody was really excited for cousin’s shower and wanted to attend, I don’t think anybody cared who had the unfortunate displeasure of paying for the party and our meal. I guess I don’t care if someone wants to feed and entertain me for an afternoon so that I have the opportunity to see the bride and give a gift I wanted to give anyway. That’s just how we look at it, I understand and respect that most people don’t feel that way.</p>
<p>I dislike destination weddings and bachelor / bachelorette parties that require travel. I think it’s really rude to assume other people want to use their limited vacation time and money on YOUR event. It’s one thing if the bride is from Seattle and she’s getting married in Seattle, that makes sense … it’s quite another thing if she just always wanted a dream wedding in the Caribbean at some resort. I am glad I have not been invited to such an event, because I’m pretty sure I’d decline on general principle. Don’t “speak for” my vacation time.</p>
<p>What ever happened to bachelor and bachelorette parties that were simply guys / girls going out for the evening and maybe getting a little silly, but no expenses beyond food and drink?</p>
<p>I had a law student in my office last summer just torn up because she couldn’t afford all her friend’s wedding related events/travel. She was planning on charging it all while in her first year of an expensive private law school.</p>
<p>Bevhills: Holy extraganza, Batman. Three nights at $400 a shot? Does the bride understand just how much this is costing your daughter and the other bridesmaids? </p>
<p>And the bachelorette party in the Virgin Islands? Money doesn’t seem to be an issue for these people. </p>
<p>Emahee: I was also raised that family didn’t host showers, but whatever works in your community. </p>
<p>I was fortunate to receive 3 baby showers for my first born. One from another of my mother’s good friends, one from a co-worker and a third from Max’s large family.</p>
<p>Emaheevul07: Absolutely all your wedding plans sound lovely to me and especially your engagement/house party. If family showers are your family’s custom, they are ipso facto “correct” - I think the point of this thread is that “tacky” only exists in the context of being oblivious to the needs or feelings of others.</p>
<p>My D is getting married this March. Our church (where she grew up and where I currently work) will almost certainly host a shower for her, though we cannot invite the entire church to attend the wedding. That happens a lot in our church, though: when one of “ours” gets married, we celebrate with them by showering them with gifts!</p>
<p>She also has close friends from her own church, and they want to have a party for her. A dear friend of mine, who is also the mom of one of DD’s bridesmaids, has asked to host another shower for her (I hosted one for her D). So we will have the church one and then two smaller gatherings for two different groups of friends. </p>
<p>Her fiance’s parents know a LOT of people (they are from out of town), and we just cannot afford a wedding that could accommodate all of their friends. So I think they are planning to host a “reception” type party for the couple after the wedding and invite all those friends of theirs who could not attend a wedding.</p>