<p>I’m a few years younger than that, not Orthodox, from a major east coast city. None of my friends or relatives from home or school had bridal showers although I believe I was just starting to hear about them. At the time (though not anymore) it was something that just wasn’t commonly done around me. </p>
<p>Nobody had baby showers, either, because of the superstition against not bringing anything into the house before the baby is born. By the time I was having kids, the hospital stay was only a couple of days and people started bending the rules, a bit, although I know a fair number of people who still operate this way. I haven’t heard of any baby showers among my friends and relatives’ kids who have had children, though and most are very Reform.</p>
<p>I guess when I think about it, we are inviting almost NOBODY that isn’t family-- that makes our situation really unusual. Our wedding is all family, a few coworkers we are casually friendly with but not close with, and a couple of mom and dad’s VERY OLD friends who live far away and we haven’t seen in a decade, but apparently they would be hurt not to be invited. We would never invite casually friendly coworkers or VERY OLD friends who live far away and haven’t been heard from in a decade to an event like a shower, so we certainly wouldn’t expect them to throw one… and the family wants to have a party. So, they will, and the rest of the world will never need to know.</p>
<p>I think it would be nice if there were some established rules about what is okay to expect from the bridal party-- brides seem to be going hog wild without them. I think few would disagree that these multi thousand dollar extravaganzas are over the top. But, for example, everybody I know in recent years who has gotten married has expected the bridesmaids to pay to have their hair professionally done, sometimes nails, too. I have heard others say that’s completely unreasonable. I would prefer everyone did get their hair and make up done professionally for the photos, but I don’t know yet how big the bridal party will be or if it will be possible for me to pay for everyone myself. I’m not sure what should be against the rules, and what’s reasonable to ask. I feel like asking for professional hair and make up is not unreasonable for $3,000 photos.</p>
<p>We (the parental units, with and without the kids) have gone to several destination weddings. They have been…interesting. Always expensive. None of the locations that I would choose for a long visit…but ok. (Oh, and the bachelorette party is in Vegas). </p>
<p>Honest: This girl and her fiancee are not from wealthy families. I don’t know what their deal is…big wedding in lieu of a life after their special day? And since we are planning our son’s wedding…I have noticed several things: budget (we have one…most don’t). They other families will spend until their credit cards are burning. (And I must confess I can whip out a credit card faster than a speedy train…but I stop and assess what I am purchasing). </p>
<p>I am not sure what my daughter is going to do. She hasn’t asked for my opinion yet. But $2500…for a weekend wedding?! At our stage of life we can do it if we chose to…and I guess that she can do it as well. But seriously?</p>
<p>“I’m a few years younger than that, not Orthodox, from a major east coast city. None of my friends or relatives from home or school had bridal showers although I believe I was just starting to hear about them. At the time (though not anymore) it was something that just wasn’t commonly done around me.”</p>
<p>Well, I am talking about people in the NYC metro area (LI, Westchester, Southern CT) and we all had bridal showers so it must just be the specific circle of people each of us knows. I don’t believe there is anything in the Jewish tradition which precludes bridal showers - baby showers are a whole different ballgame and not given for a very specific reason.</p>
<p>I strongly feel that it is unreasonable to expect this unless you are offering to pay. Even then, it is totally up to each person whether or not to take advantage of the offer. You can’t require it.</p>
<p>We went to a wedding on Saturday. It was held outdoors, at a beautiful little vineyard complete with a red barn. There were no flowers other than the bouquets, no band and the bridesmaids did not have matching hair, nails or shoes. </p>
<p>And it was one of the loveliest weddings I’ve attended. </p>
<p>Emilybee: Can you explain the baby shower thing? I’m unfamiliar with the Jewish tradition to not have a baby shower and we have many Jewish friends. In fact, I attended a baby shower of such a friend when we were both expecting our first child.</p>
<p>Dude here. (Does that make me a wedding crasher?). I will just echo the thought that in the right circumstances a “'meet the couple” party can be an elegant solution. I got married out east about 600 miles from my hometown, and my home church threw a party for us the first time we were back to visit my mom and dad after the wedding. Nothing fancy – but the ladies at my old church CAN cook – and there was no expectation that my distant hometown relatives or old town friends would bring a gift. We didn’t invite those folks to the wedding because we didn’t want them to feel obligated to send a gift or make a long trip. (As an aside, nothing will embarrass a new husband faster than an event where your wife meets basically every teacher you ever had from K through 12.)</p>
<p>I think the moral of the story is that the wedding is about the couple but not ALL about the couple. As long as you give the folks who want to wish you well a way to participate in a fashion that makes them feel included but not burdened, you’re ahead of the game. What gets you there probably differs in every religion, region, and family, so it’s hard to make universal judgments.</p>
<p>This is all so interesting. Thank you all so much for sharing. The more I read, and the more I think about different approaches and expectations, I am concluding that ultimately the way we approach weddings says so much about us as people. The bride who only registers for expensive items and doesn’t consider that not everyone can afford them, or who plans her wedding in a place that offers only rooms at $400/nite and an expensive plane ride away, or who is bridezilla about even the nail polish matching and thereby causes her best friend to have to decline being a bridesmaid is probably not the most thoughtful person in her non-bride life. And maybe doesn’t care. Our niece got married a couple of years ago on the inaccessible Caribbean island of her childhood dreams, and caught a year’s worth of grief about it from every single member of our family about the physical toll on her 88 year old grandmother, the financial toll on her invited guests, etc. Throw in a few drinks and people in the family are STILL talking about this. End result: the grandmother attended because didn’t really feel like she had a choice, but a bunch of the rest of us sent our regrets with honest reason: we just could not afford it. Niece ended up a little sad that so many people RSVPd “No”, but to this day says that for her, place trumped people. But whether she knows it or not, she lost a giant amount of respect and brownie points as a result of her not giving a **** attitude towards her family and other guests. As a result, in planning our daughter’s wedding, we are all now bending over backwards to make sure that there are registry/housing/travel options for people at all price points and that we make it as easy as possible for our guests because for us, people do trump place. (And we for sure do not want to be the topic of discussion around the family tables for years to come!) In the meantime, my daughter is keeping her fingers crossed that her now 90 year old grandmother is still well enough to be with us at her wedding next summer.</p>
<p>It was thought to be bad luck to even think about a baby to be and this superstition became the tradition of not having baby showers or even buying anything for a baby until after they are born. Most of my friends did not even set up the baby’s room before the birth. It’s not, however, jewish law - just a custom.</p>
<p>And don’t forget the complications that almost everyone involved has a viewpoint. And some of them have lots of influence and/or money in the game. </p>
<p>Whether it’s a MOG who has no daughters and really really wants to be involved or the DOB who thinks all his business partners should be invited…or like my former MIL who wanted everyone invited who’s kid she ever sent a gift to. (smile)</p>
<p>I always thought that tradition was a remnant of an era when infant mortality rates were much higher. We have friends who still observe it, and we are happy to respect it.</p>
<p>And Tempe’s post reminds me, there is one iron-clad rule. It is ALWAYS tacky – and against Tax Court precedent – to try to deduct the costs here as a business expense. </p>
<p>Thanks, EmilyBee. Learn something every day I suppose it’s a good thing we didn’t follow that tradition. My mother nearly had kittens waiting to discover the sex so she could buy, buy, buy for the grand babies.</p>
<p>(I attended a baby shower for a Jewish friend about 12 years ago where the baby died 2 days after birth. It was tragic. It was a rare recessive genetic issue in certain Jewish populations that once known about was handled w the help of fertility docs for their future kids but really really tragic. And not so long ago really.)</p>
<p>Ema, I know you are no bridezilla, but…I think you should stop and think about this. Are the photos for their benefit, or yours? Are you doing the wedding for the photos? Many people seem to be more obsessed with creating a wedding album that looks like a magazine spread than anything else. Personally, hell would freeze over before I would pay $3000 for photos! My whole wedding cost $3000.</p>
<p>These extravaganzas make me think that some people–not you Ema, you are not having an extravaganza! --spend far to much time watching “reality” tv.</p>
<p>My question is how to tap into it. As a chocolatier, I should be cashing in big time on wedding favors! :D</p>
<p>I don’t think it’s reasonable to expect bridesmaids to get hair and nails (or makeup for that matter) professionally done. If you want to arrange a spa day and hairdresser and treat them, on the other hand, great. But I wouldn’t expect them to unless I were paying.</p>
<p>I agree! We wouldn’t have dreamed of expecting anyone to get professional anything done at D’s wedding! But we wouldn’t pay 3000 for pictures either. We are using friends’ pictures.</p>
<p>Heck, D wouldn’t even ask her bridesmaids to wear particular dresses or even color. She left it up to them. The pictures are lovely.</p>
<p>And her bachelorette was a night on the town with her best buds. Her friends don’t have much money, and she was just glad they could make it to where the wedding was (she paid the airfare for one flying in from CA.) We located an inexpensive motel and the younger guests shared rooms. We didn’t want anyone to not attend because of money.</p>
<p>I don’t even have any bridesmaids, at this point just my little sister and my mother or I will be paying any of her expenses-- I am just musing, since that is what I have seen everybody doing and all the bridesmaids in other weddings seem on board with it. I don’t think I’ve ever known a bridesmaid not to get her hair professionally done, but maybe fewer paid for it themselves than I am aware of. We get our hair done just to attend weddings as guests, so to be in the bridal party and not get it done seems crazy!</p>
<p>I am hoping I WON’T actually spend $3,000 on photos, but after a cursory search last week we didn’t find much outside of amateurs for less than $1500-$2000 for the cheapest packages. I think that is a bummer, but outside things necessary for hospitality to my guests I think the photos are the most important thing to me. Besides my new husband, it’s the only thing I get to keep forever! :)</p>
<p>My cousin’s fiancee picked a dress without letting anybody try it on, picked specific shoes and threw a fit when one of them wanted to substitute a nearly identical shoe that actually FIT her foot. I think that’s crazy, I don’t want to do anything unreasonable. Those bridesmaids are not happy about the dress and shoes, but are A-okay with the hair appointment. Not saying I agree, just simply observing. I find the rules on this sort of thing to be very unpredictable. If I do end up picking more girls to stand up with me, I am going to do whatever I need to do to keep everybody happy.</p>
<p>I seriously don’t know anyone who gets her hair done to go to a wedding (as MOB, my sister did mine.) Guess it’s just a different crowd. I slapped on some makeup for the first time in about 10 years.</p>
<p>(D was bridesmaid at one wedding where everyone was treated to hair appts, but def not expected to pay, and this is an outlier in all the weddings she’s been to or in.)</p>
I suppose it’s a good thing we didn’t follow that tradition. My mother nearly had kittens waiting to discover the sex so she could buy, buy, buy for the grand babies.</p>
--spend far to much time watching “reality” tv.</p>