Anxiety and lying.

Parent Cafe
1

<p>When I was a child/teen- I was a very proficient liar. ( or I thought I was)
Not to hurt anyone, or to avoid punishment, but to avoid stress.
One case that really sticks out in my mind, was when I was in Girl Scouts , I think I was 7, and we were working on a badge as a troop. I was painfully shy & anxious, so much that I would do almost anything to avoid talking to most people, especially adults. Every time I tried to get one of the leaders to sign my book for this particular badge, they either didn’t hear me or they were busy so that when it came time to turn all of our books in to be checked for the badges to be ordered, I took a * crayon* and signed it myself as neatly as I could. :o</p>

<p>Of course then, it was discovered & they confronted me-but in a way that I couldn’t answer truthfully. It makes me angry now, because they knew that I had finished the badge, as it had been a group activity & as adults- they could have signed all the books at once. </p>

<p>Later I learned to lie to tell adults what they wanted to hear- as it was easier than trying to explain to them why I wasn’t doing what they thought I should be doing. Like when my parents expected me to be popular- I lied about what I was doing at school. I didn’t tell them I spent the entire lunch time walking the halls because I didn’t have any friends- so I made up stories which they ate right up.</p>

<p>It was very hard to stop trying to sugar coat everything & it took me a long time to stop all the lying- because I had to get to a place where I wasn’t so anxious.</p>

<p>My daughter I think is in that place. I don’t think she does it very much, but while I have caught her in some relatively innocuous lies- I don’t know how to get through to her that it is worse to lie, than to tell the truth when you make a mistake , as it makes the mistake more of a mess to clean up.</p>

<p>it is so frustrating, because of the anxiety- I find it difficult if not impossible to get the truth- to discipline her or at least be able to react in some way- but at the same time reassure her so that she may be more likely to tell the truth next time.</p>

<p>Again they are relatively small things- and not intentional but big enough to cause me problems .
Anyone else have to deal with this and have suggestions?</p>

2

<p>First off, I’m sorry for the pain of your childhood. Too bad an adult didn’t see your circumstance and step in to try to help you. My daughter is shy so I know a little bit how hard that can be. She doesn’t lie, but sometimes when I ask her a question she refuses to answer me. The eyes just s…l…o…w…l…y glaze over! She has been like that her whole life. She doesn’t do it much, so I don’t make a big deal and it hasn’t been a problem yet. I figure to make too big of a deal of it may encourage her to do it more, and to me its pretty innocuous right now. How old is your daughter? That would matter in how I would handle it. The daughter is not destined to repeat the mistakes of the mother…</p>

3

<p>emeraldkity4, I too feel for you. I grew up in a household of liars, and when I moved out at 16 I vowed I would never do it. Ever. I have raised my D to know why I cannot tolerate lying, and so far I think she does pretty well. </p>

<p>Perhaps you can really sit down with your D and explain WHY you feel as you do. Tell her about your own situation. Maybe (just maybe) she’ll open up a bit. Or at least think about it.</p>

4

<p>Sometimes I think it’s a faster response. Weird, right? I KNOW my D has lied to me about stuff that doesn’t really matter. I mean why bother? I have said to her that when people lie, they have to have REALLY good memories. As a mom and a teacher, I would much rather have a kid do something wrong and tell the truth than lie about it. It elevates it to a whole different level, and I don’t know how to get that across. Why don’t kids realize that we usually feel this way?</p>

5

<p>I had a counselor way back that told me that lying was for some a way of control. Controling outside events to keep everyone happy- to control discourse- or other people’s moods or approval. I was shocked at the time- because I thought I was being controled…not controlling…once I realized that I was not responsible to keep everyone happy, that I didn’t have to manipulate outside events to keep the peace- it was a tremendous burden lifted. I learned that people have bad days, say mean things and get angry and nothing I did was going to keep that from happening nor was it my job- anyhow, I think that if you can help her let go of that burden to keep up the facade of “perfection” or feeling like she has the “power” to determine someone elses joy or misery- you would help. I think of all the people who lie everyday about their weight, their age, their income, their grades, or buy houses and cars or clothes they can’t really afford to “appear” to be something “acceptable”. The bottom line is if you can help her let go of the lie of “perfectionism”, and/or that she has any control over other people’s happiness- she’ll be much healthier. Good Luck to both of you! </p>

<p>And I agree franglish- sometimes I think they just don’t want to deal with it so they tell you whatever will get you to bug off.</p>

6

<p>I also grew up in a lying household I hated it. After I discovered that my mother did it, I couldn’t trust another word she said. I think you have to do two things: explain to your daughter why you feel this way. That because you know she does it, you can’t take at face value anything she says.</p>

<p>Secondly, you have to put your money where your mouth is. When she tells you unpleasant things, don’t criticize, offer advice, or make a big deal out of it. She will soon learn that telling you what really happened is more helpful than lying.</p>

7

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<p>Frequently, people who say this (not necessarily you, but any kid can find enough examples to be scared off from truth-telling) will still have very unpleasant reactions if the kid tells the truth about what happened. So by lying, they’re gambling - even if they believe that you will react worse if you catch them in a lie, they’re going with the chance where they might get the worst but might escape all together, rather than the one where they <em>know</em> it will be bad.</p>

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<p>Yes. Well, I’m not sure about the offering-advice part…the important part is tone and demeanor. Gentle advice can be fine.</p>

8

<p>emeraldkity4, you have started a very interesting thread. Thanks.</p>

9

<p>I think kids are really not taught the importance of taking responsibility for their actions. And we are seeing that in the current world situation. Accepting that people make mistakes and accepting the consequences for those mistakes is crucial to growing up to be a successful human being, in my opinion. Lying might buy you a little bit of time to continue to wiggle out of a bad situation, but it only makes it worse. Obviously.</p>

10

<p>“Lying might buy you a little bit of time to continue to wiggle out of a bad situation, but it only makes it worse. Obviously.”</p>

<p>Unless you’re a politician, business leader, public relations associate, etc. in which case …</p>

<p>With so much duplicity on public display, I agree that reigning in this behavior needs to be done at a personal level. Put simply, lying ruins relationships.</p>

11

<p>EK
Very evocative thread, thanks.</p>

<p>I also have a liar mom. Sometimes siblings and I can’t see why she’d lie about some things, but now I agree it is a control issue. Usually it is about not paying bills and she doesn’t want to admit failure. Pendulum swung the other way with me. I so hate lyers… then get a DS that I love; who lies…</p>

<p>Then, anxiety… yes. DS lied about turning in homework OR he thought he had. We can’t predict what will make him anxious nor can he. And we are not beating him for missing homework, we were just trying to help… but we didn’t manage to help him, just increased anxiety. If you ever figure out a good way to reduce that anxiety, then post it! As in your own case, I think you just have to grow up.</p>

<p>And … I will try to say this gently … please take it gently meant!!
If you haven’t walked in “anxiety produced lies” shoes, it is very hard to comprehend the possible causes, effects and cures. I truly believe we tried nearly everything to help DS. I certainly was clear all his life about lying being a negative life style</p>

<p>… however, I remain open to positive suggestions. I won’t reply saying yes we tried that and it didn’t work over and over .</p>

12

<p>Emeraldkity, I am so sorry to hear about your past.</p>

<p>I don’t want to sound like Ann Landers, but we went thru something similar with D, and a couple months of therapy helped. D had always been the “happy” one in our house. All her life, when confronted with a decision that wasn’t a moral one (i.e. should I stay with this activity? Should I join that club?) I would say to her, “We just want you to be happy.” What I meant was: we just want what’s best for you in the long run, and we want you to make the choices that are right for you. What D heard was, “If you’re not happy, we’ll be disappointed.” I had NO idea that was her interpretation of what we were saying to her until she hit a crisis during her freshman year in high school. She was smiling and telling me all was fine, until another mom told me that she had heard a rumor about D and she felt obligated to tell me, because if it were her daughter she’d want to know what was being said about her. When I asked D about it she reassured me it was false. I later overheard D’s conversation with a friend and realized the rumor was semi-true - the situation wasn’t as bad as the rumor said, but D had been engaging in a behavior I never thought she would do at her age. When we confronted her she cried, then told us what was going on. She said she did it because she thought it would make her feel better, and that she thought she was depressed. All her middle school friends had turned on her, she had nowhere to sit at lunch, kids were whispering behind her back, etc. When we said, “Why didn’t you talk to us if you were unhappy and having problems?” she said, “Because I thought you would be disappointed.”</p>

<p>A few sessions with a therapist showed D that although she had assumed responsibility for making the rest of the family happy, that it really wasn’t her job. If she felt stressed, or sad, she was free to show it. If there was conflict, she didn’t have to avoid it. The therapist also explained this to us, and gave us instances of times going back to early childhood where D had hid news from us that she thought would make us unhappy. </p>

<p>D is now a junior. This fall she was unhappy with some things involving one of her good friends, and frustrated with her relationship with her coach. But when she got home, she told us how mad she was, and how the situation made her feel. We didn’t try to resolve it, but we sympathized and told her to “hang in there, even though it’s frustrating, you can’t control other people, you can only do your best.” And after a week or two she cheered up. I honestly think that if it hadn’t been for the therapy, she wouldn’t have confided in us and had an outlet for her feelings, and she might be finding opportunities for inappropriate behavior in an attempt to make herself feel better again.</p>

<p>So a good therapist may be worth the investment. Good luck!</p>