<p>My niece graduated from college 2 years ago (I think), did well, even managed a semester abroad, and worked a few part-time jobs in her college town for a few months afterwards before coming back to the nest (the jobs were evaporating). She’s had physical health issues (asthma, severe eczema, sinus problems, a minor concussion thrown in) and increasing anxiety that has prevented her from launching any kind of independence. I think she was anxious before but was able to function. She is my H’s brother’s daughter, and we all have good relationships but I don’t see her often. Both parents, in their 60’s, are still working, father almost ready to retire but - although he loves D dearly - dreads being in the house with her all the time. Slightly older D also still lives there, but is now working and doing okay. Niece is seeing a psychiatrist, sporadically. Some months ago, I happened to hear of a well-regarded cognitive therapy/anxiety clinic in their city and told all of them. All said thanks, but didn’t pursue it (I think Niece won’t act alone and parents are exhausted - dad has his own health issues also). This is a quote from H’s other brother, who had just talked to Niece’s dad on the phone -
“He says Niece is basically disabled. Although she can go out e.g. to rock concerts with someone else, she cant do anything alone. She does not leave the house alone. When Father, Mother, Sister return home, Father says Niece is a leechafter spending a day totally alone, she wants constant interaction, behaves like a 4-8 yearold child, uses baby language
when the others want some peace and quiet. Father thinks Niece should be seeing her psychiatrist twice a week, but ends up doing so once every 2-3 weeks if lucky in part because the psychiatrist cannot seem to keep a regular schedule, and in part because Niece is incapable of getting there alone”.
Niece is a kindhearted, witty, smart young woman, but I’m sure her unwillingness/inability to leave the womb will only worsen with time. She of course needs to “own” the situation herself, but as things are now, the family is inextricably involved. I think she needs some tough love, but nobody is about to make her leave home (nor do I think they should, but I think she’ll need some form of cattle prod from the 'rents). Our input (H’s and mine) is going to be limited, but any advice from the trenches is deeply appreciated.</p>
<p>I don’t think tough love is the solution. It sounds to [nonprofessional] me like she is developing either extreme anxiety or perhaps a phobia like agoraphobia. I agree that more visits with the psychiatrist might be advisable and, if this doctor can’t accommodate that, perhaps another doctor could.</p>
<p>In addition, if I were the parents, I would call the psychiatrist and ask if the young woman is making progress. I know that the doc can’t tell the parents anything about her condition or her treatment, but perhaps he could tell her whether there’s progress being made.</p>
<p>I agree about the extreme anxiety/phobia (not sure about actual agoraphobia b/c she can deal with situations like ballgames and concerts if not alone, also I think she’s managed some forms of transportation but not others), but am thinking more about tough love towards the principle that she has to make it her determined focus, her occupation really, to get better. Always hard to separate the actual mental illness from the behavior (in this case, the regression and infantilism) that develops around it.</p>
<p>Orkney, so sorry to hear that your niece is struggling so much. No doubt that her struggles are having a deep impact on the entire family. </p>
<p>On the suggestion of another poster, I purchased this book for my daughter:
[The</a> Defining Decade: Why Your Twenties Matter–And How to Make the Most of Them Now: Meg Jay: 9780446561754: Amazon.com: Books](<a href=“http://www.amazon.com/The-Defining-Decade-Twenties-Matter--And/dp/0446561754/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1380041352&sr=8-1&keywords=the+defining+decade]The”>http://www.amazon.com/The-Defining-Decade-Twenties-Matter--And/dp/0446561754/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1380041352&sr=8-1&keywords=the+defining+decade)</p>
<p>The book really opened her eyes to the fact that she needs to take control of her own life and that she needs to be intentional in her decision making. I highly recommend it. </p>
<p>Also, I am a big fan of meditation/yoga in curbing anxiety. I suggest that your niece start with a few private sessions to get a good understanding of what the practice involves. Then maybe join a group where she can practice regularly to receive moral support. </p>
<p>Good luck to her.</p>
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<p>Sounds like she was doing OK before. </p>
<p>Did she suffer from anxiety before? One of the after effects of concussion can be anxiety. Perhaps her anxiety got worse after that. Also, sometimes people experience personality changes. Has she had a doctor look at her with all her health issues?</p>
<p>My daughter in law went through a bout with extreme anxiety a couple of years ago. She had a sudden panic attack while driving her young son on the interstate (thought she was having a heart attack). She quickly became essentially house-bound and could not be alone with their young son, so I drove them and spent a lot of time at their house taking care of him for a few months. She saw a psychiatrist who prescribed a daily medication plus one to take in case of a panic attack. She also began seeing a counselor to talk through her issues.</p>
<p>Today, she is essentially fine. Drives herself and her child all around (though not on the interstate), and is quite independent and happy. She still sees the therapist every month or so, and the psychiatrist about every 6 months. </p>
<p>The point is, this young woman needs to get help. Just seeing a psychiatrist for medication is not the way to go…meds for this work way better WITH counseling or therapy of some kind. Apparently, anxiety and depression is not all that unusual in young adults. I hope this family gets some help and soon!</p>
<p>best to you all…</p>
<p>You are in a tough position in that you really can only offer advice, which they may or may not listen to. My D has an anxiety disorder, although she has learned to deal with it for the most part. We were at our wits end when it first surfaced at the beginning of high school and had tried everything. She was young enough that we could make her see a therapist, but it did no good. We could not even get her out the door to school with out severe physical reaction. Finally our pediatrician suggested we see another Dr. in his office who specialized in adolescent behavior. He finally put her on medication and it was like a miracle. While the first med didn’t work- she became very blah and blank looking- the second one had no real side effects but took the edge off of her anxiety. It is very interesting to look at the chemical process that goes on with anxiety. While medication is not the answer for everyone it really was like a miracle for our D. She used it through most of high school, but slowly tapered off as she got older. She did use it again when she first left for college but only for a short time. She also continued therapy to learn strategies to deal with her anxiety. Graduating from college brought some new anxieties- that unknown of graduating and moving into the “real” world. She did have a little relapse and opted to go back on her meds again but only for a few months. She has now been working for 6 years and has not had to use the meds again. I think she has developed more confidence in herself and also has learned how to address her issues before they balloon out of control. </p>
<p>I am a firm believer in using meds as a last resort, but in this case we were at the end of our rope and it was well warranted. I have a sister with severe anxiety disorder. She has never pursued getting help and would not listen to any input or follow through with any treatment. She is basically disfunctional and has never been able to hold a job or been good socially. She is very bright and artistic, but has pretty much thrown it all away because she refuses help. I hope your niece can accept some help as anxiety can be a debilitating disease.</p>
<p>Ognopgod, she did have problems before. The concussion was the result of a seemingly very minor trauma and I wondered if she clung to the symptoms (can’t be sure, of course - but we had seen her then, and there were some odd inconsistencies) - I work in emergency medicine. Mom is a doctor (gyn) and Niece was extensively worked up for the concussion. My H is in a complementary medical field and has talked to her about meditation and yoga. I think she’s been on meds but I’m not sure which ones. I only occasionally feel okay about asking for more details. My own younger D (a junior in college) has some anxiety too, but luckily is well able to manage herself - if anything, it drives her to keep her life in order instead of paralyzing her. I think if she were like Niece and had returned to curl up in the nest, we would do much more of a full-throttle intervention than her parents are doing, but I don’t say that disparagingly - we’re not in their shoes.</p>
<p>I appreciate all the comments. Takeitallin, very encouraging about your daughter, though very sad about your sister -tons of wasted potential there.</p>
<p>I suffered from debilitating anxiety for many years. Came on suddenly and was completely foreign to me because I was the kid in 8th grade speech who thought it was silly that other people would get nervous. Real anxiety isn’t someone being skiddish or shy, it’s caused from different chemicals in your body misfiring like adrenaline. You can’t see it but it’s very real, mine ended up leading to agoraphobia because every time I would leave the house I would feel overwhelmed and uncomfortable in ways healthy people can’t relate to. Think about the rush of feelings you get when you wake from a nightmare and then imagine having that overwhelming feeling for hours straight. I think she’s really sick. </p>
<p>My problem ended up being caused from a bacterial infection but when I was reading up on anxiety disorders I found out they can be caused by many other physical problems. Psychiatrists don’t run blood tests so they won’t locate a physical problem if there is one, they give drugs that can make the symptoms manageable. A good specialists can run tests and find out what the source of the problem is and attempt to fix it. I know on the surface it seems like she might be a mooch or unwilling to face adulthood, but it’s pretty rare for someone to be so willing to choose to live at home and have no life. Seems like she has her whole life ahead of her with a new college degree and her youth, I’d be surprised if this was something that was within her control. I think the childlike behavior is especially a big flag that her problems are real.</p>
<p>edit: There I go again not reading every response before posting. I see your family is very familiar with the medical field, I would see a doctor who specializes in hpa axis dysfunction.</p>
<p>Like this guy definitivemind.com</p>
<p>I had lunch with an old acquaintance the other day and she told me about a syndrome I had never heard of: PANDAS. See here: [PANDAS</a> - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia](<a href=“http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/PANDAS]PANDAS”>PANDAS - Wikipedia)</p>
<p>Her kindergartner is suffering from sudden, acute anxiety, and they believe it is PANDAS. Apparently a rare result following a bacterial infection, as raiders83 mentions.</p>
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<p>Wow. That is really interesting. I had never heard of anxiety disorders being caused by a bacterial infection! </p>
<p>Thanks so much for the link, VeryHappy; I will read up on this.</p>
<p>Raiders, what kind of treatment/therapy did you have? It sounds like you’re now doing much better.
Niece doesn’t really fit the criteria for PANDAS.</p>
<p>I have lyme disease and am on long term antibiotic treatment which is pretty controversial among Doctors currently. I’m still on about five different antibiotics after a year which usually blows doctors’ minds, but it’s the only thing that ever really helped. I am doing much better and I haven’t had any anxiety for months now. If anyone is interested in learning about lyme disease there is a movie that was made…[Watch</a> Under Our Skin online | Free | Hulu](<a href=“http://www.hulu.com/watch/268761]Watch”>http://www.hulu.com/watch/268761)
Most of my symptoms were mental/emotional which the movie doesn’t cover as much, not everyone gets physically handicapped like many of the people in the movie. Sorry, I’m really not trying to change the subject of the thread, but if I can spread awareness I will.</p>
<p>“am thinking more about tough love towards the principle that she has to make it her determined focus, her occupation really, to get better.”</p>
<p>Exactly. Tough love does have a place here IMHO because the parents are currently enabling her. According to the OP, they are permitting her to live at home and to behave in selfish, age-inappropriate ways that impinge on other family members, and they are not requiring her to maintain any treatment plan. If she were self-supporting, they’d have to give advice and leave it at that (which is all the OP can do), but she’s not. Absent good treatment, these disorders get worse over time, not better. They should not stand by and watch as she tumbles down this spiral.</p>
<p>If she can’t leave the house alone, she needs to be in an aggressive, multifaceted treatment program, probably with multiple sessions per week. She may be able to find someone to do some sessions over Skype if she can’t find a chaperone. If there’s a financial bar to the right treatment, that’s another story, but we haven’t heard that.</p>
<p>Speaking from first-hand experience.</p>
<p>this sounds a lot like H’s brother. He has Dependent Personality Disorder and anxiety issues. </p>
<p>He was able to do very well in school, has a PhD, but has never been able to function outside of school/home once school ended. He’s now 60 and has never worked. Luckily he married a successful woman who seems to be fine with supporting him while he stays home and plays computer chess all day (weird, I know). </p>
<p>H says that this brother never had close friends and he still has no friends. He depended on siblings for “friendships” but really spent much time alone.</p>
<p>I think that these types can do well in a school setting because it’s familiar to them…they’ve been in school since age 5. However, change is very difficult, and meeting new people/situations is frightening.</p>
<p>Hanna, is your experience with your own anxiety, or a relative’s? Not to pry, but I’d be interested to hear more.</p>
<p>Mine, in childhood and adolescence. Compassion and empathy for the daughter’s illness is quite compatible with requiring her to attack the problem like the adult she is. I hope no parent would allow an adult child to give in to a treatable degenerative physical disease that will leave her homebound. That’s the sort of danger the OP’s niece is in.</p>
<p>Hard to discern whether the behavior is a product of choices or things beyond someone’s control. Pushing someone who’s physical illness presents itself as anxiety would be comparable to telling someone to walk off the flu.</p>
<p>A few times a month there are people who commit suicide in the lyme group I’m in on facebook. They are almost always ostracized by their families because on the surface nothing seems wrong. </p>
<p>I’m as gung-ho as it gets when it comes to tough love, but you have to be sure that the situation calls for it.</p>
<p>Total speculation on my part but I’d also wonder if she had some traumatic event that the parents weren’t informed of.</p>
<p>“Pushing someone who’s physical illness presents itself as anxiety would be comparable to telling someone to walk off the flu.”</p>
<p>I’m talking about pushing them to pursue treatment, not to get better on their own.</p>