<p>I too, feel I was ill prepared for the empty nest. At first I was fine, but maybe it’s the onset of cold weather that’s gotten to me. The fact that my husband travels 60-80% of the time isn’t exactly helping. I stay busy, have many friends in the same situation, but something about coming home to the quiet, empty house saddens me. The evenings are the worst when H is gone. It’s harder because most of the people I know are with their H’s, and the time seems to drag. I definitely feel as tho I lost a job. Knowing my kids ar happy and well adjusted in college brings me great joy, but they are on opposite coasts and the distance feels great right now. H has been traveling like this most of our married lives, so it’s nothing new. But I feel like I’m adjusting to it all over again. I know this too shall pass, I just wish it would hurry! :-/</p>
<p>Nikrud: My H spent a considerable length of time a few years ago commuting to a job several hundred miles from home. It was very sad. I know how you feel. And that on top of the kids being gone would have been pretty bad. :(</p>
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<p>I found sending the second child off much easier than the first. I sort of understood it. I miss my kids a lot, but I also am comfortable with my life. (Which most people would consider pretty lame I suppose. ;)) I feel pretty free. I feel like I’ve finished a really hard job that I gave my all to - although I know it’s not really done. </p>
<p>And I’m only half kidding about the dogs. I ADORE my dogs. BUT I also sort of resent (oh! that sounds so mean) that responsibility still being all mine.</p>
<p>nikrud,
I was sort of startled to read your post as it could have been written by me. My H also travels much of the time. He just returned yesterday from his first long trip since my youngest started college. I went with him on a business trip in September but clearly I can’t always go mostly because, Weenie, of the damn beloved dog! For the last few years that my D was at home, she spent all her time up in her room with her computer, phone, music, etc., and communicated very little. But still, it is so different with her gone. So quiet. I’ve never been much of a television watcher but I had it on many evenings last week just for the noise. I barely bothered to cook most of the week and I felt sort of invisible with nobody here to notice if I came or went. I’m realizing that after growing up in a big family, living in communal situations through college, working and having my H around in our early years together, and then 24 hectic years with kids, I’ve never been so alone. That sounds pathetic but I’m not really sad or depressed, it’s just strange.</p>
<p>Weenie - I sympathize re:dogs - ours is 14 -and not doing well - his OWNER is the son now graduated college and working - but we are leaving town for 13 days and the idea of boarding a incontinent, limping, blind, deaf, staph-prone cancer-surviving thyroid deficit dog for 13 days seems cruel…but son will be home for Thanksgiving and so we are wrestling with a decision…</p>
<p>I have had an “empty nest” for a little more than two years, as my younger child is now a junior in college. My husband travels a lot for work and also tends to work late at his office, so I am in an empty house quite a bit. I have worked full time the whole time my kids were growing up, and I actually feel that I can focus better on my work and accomplish more now than when my mind was so divided between kids and work. But I can definitely see how it would be very difficult when the kids leave the nest if kids and family were one’s full time job for many years.</p>
<p>What I wanted to say is that I decided to do something new now that I have an empty nest. I have always liked helping my kids and other kids with their studies, so I have become a volunteer English as a Second Language tutor for an adult who is an immigrant who has asked for help with English. The agency which I tutor through also provides literacy tutoring for non-immigrants, GED tutoring, etc. I enjoy tutoring very much - my student is almost exactly my age (within a few months) and I have learned a lot about her home country (Myanmar aka Burma, which has been in the news a lot recently). A friend who has an empty nest has become a volunteer for a crisis hotline (which is more up her alley - I would not be good at that). I am sure there are many other types of volunteering which match other talents and interests. These volunteer commitments are not terribly time consuming or inflexible - it is expected that volunteers and students will have weeks when they are unable to meet due to other commitments. It is something new and interesting and worthwhile to do, which I was not able to do when I had kids at home.</p>
<p>Dizzymom Someone used the word irretrievably when it came to describing the childrearing time you have with your children. When those years are gone, they are irretrievably gone that is what is so bothersome. I think we do the best we can with what we had to offer at that time. You cant ask any more of yourself than that. </p>
<p>Curm I have read your posts forever and the one thing that has always shined through crystal clear is the overwhelming love you have for your daughter. Being the parents of two girls, we feel your pain.</p>
<p>The word I keep coming up with is ‘aimless’ - I just feel aimless without my kids here. I seem to be having trouble keeping to any type of a schedule, which was so much a part of my life with kids. As I said in another thread, I know that this is how life is suppose to go, but we miss them.
We have so enjoyed the last 22 years of having kids at home. Any parents who tells you they enjoyed it all would be lying. But, all in all, it has been a wonderful 22 years. Things are just so different now.</p>
<p>My husband is a professional who has always worked 12 hour days and his grief is as deep as mine. He calls home during the day and asks, Have the girls called? One picture that will be with me until my dying day is the pained expression on my husband’s face as he hugged our youngest D goodbye on college move-in day - literally broke my heart. Sometimes when we are watching TV or lying in bed, our grief is palpable. Not to say we are walking about in a depressed state we love not have a time we have to be home, coming and going pretty much as we please we just miss our former life. I am sure this too will pass.</p>
<p>Having the youngest leave has definitely been harder for me than when the first went off to college. I was sad, tearful, etc. etc. when the first left, but I still had a back up child at home and life pretty much went on in a normal fashion.</p>
<p>My sister had her oldest leave for college this fall. We came up with the metaphor of a ship leaving a port for our children leaving home. I send her ship quotes and she sends them to me. Our own form of mental mother torture I think! She gave me a necklace with two different ship charms that symbolize my two daughters. When she was at a luncheon with all moms who had sent a son off to college this year, she told them about our ship obsession. Later in the lunch, one of the moms burst into tears and said, I just cant get past that ship thing! Here are some of the ship quotes we have shared with each other if you need a good Friday cry!</p>
<p>A ship is safest in harbor, but that’s not what ships are made for.<br>
William Shedd</p>
<p>I’m not afraid of storms, for I’m learning how to sail my ship.<br>
Louisa May Alcott</p>
<p>If my ship sails from sight, it doesn’t mean my journey ends, it simply means the river bends.<br>
John Enoch Powell</p>
<p>Set your course by the stars, not by the lights of every passing ship Omar Bradley</p>
<p>’Tis skill, not strength, that governs a ship.<br>
Thomas Fuller</p>
<p>The Ship That Sails
I’d rather be the ship that sails and rides the billows wild and free;
Than to be the ship that always fails to leave its port and go to sea.
I’d rather feel the sting of strife, where gales are born and tempests roar;
Than settle down to useless life and rot in dry dock on the shore.
I’d rather fight some mighty wave with honor in supreme command;
And fill at last a well-earned grave, than die in ease upon the sand.
I’d rather drive where sea storms blow, and be the ship that always failed
to make the ports where it would go, than be the ship that never sailed.
Unknown</p>
<p>Weenie I am with you on the dog thing. I love him to death, literally. After him, there wont be a replacement. Right now my elderly neighbor is sick and I am taking care of her dog too ughh!</p>
<p>Geez, if I didn’t have the dog it would be really strange – she’s the only other living thing in my house. I had her kenneled when I was going out of town and ended up spending 2 nights at home without her and really did not like that at all. So no college for the dog! (I don’t think she’s college material anyway.)</p>
<p>When we’d driven half way home after taking our youngest daughter to college, my very reserved and unemotional husband called her and said “Come home now. That was enough already.”</p>
<p>Everyday, when my W and I see each other after work, one of us will say to the other “What did D say when she called you?”. Like we were trying to trick the other into revealing a “secret” call from our daughter. There is a palpable disappointment when we both find out that she didn’t call.</p>
<p>I have taken to saying the following when someone comments that I am looking “down” :</p>
<p>“I just can’t wait until she gets her ‘doctor condo’ and we are all living together again.” They look at me with pity and just walk on. </p>
<p>I have said it in public, with D and her friends around to “overhear” . She just sighs an exasperated sigh and says something like “I’m breaking it to him one piece at a time”. I wonder what she means by that? ;)</p>
<p>Oh, and we are also “waiting for the pets to die”.</p>
<p>Funny that we all have such mixed emotions about our dogs. I can’t remember where I saw or read about a dog’s headstone that read “Bad Dog, Greatly Loved.” I plan to use that one day. Just this morning I noticed that when my little dog was under a blanket, she looked very much like a baby - pang of love. Then when I think of how she ties me down, I’m very resentful. My husband and I both coo at her in a loving voice “Nobody likes you.” We are crazy.</p>
<p>As a stay-at-home mom, I too worry about what life will be like as an empty nester. My D and S are only a year apart in school. My D just started college in September, so I haven’t gotten used to one leaving, let alone both. I know it’s only been 2 months, but I miss my D. It still feels strange seeing her empty place at the dinner table, or stopping myself from saying goodnight to her empty bedroom. What will it be like next year when they both are gone? I’m definitely not prepared for this.</p>
<p>Midwest, thanks so much for the ships. My oldest is a senior in HS and we have two more at home. The connection to each is different, and somehow the first feels strongest right now. I sense her slipping further away every day. This year is a transition for us, and I try hard to imagine her really gone, and to get used to the idea. We share the same sense of humor, and I find it my daily challenge to make her laugh until she can’t stop. I’ve also been making her favorite meals: chicken and dumplings, pot roast. I don’t even pretend that it’s subconscious; I know I’m trying to create some memory for her that will call her back home.</p>
<p>I haven’t done well here. When we made the decision for me to stay home with the girls full time( they were 6y and 8y) I just never thought it would end, I guess I expected I would be doing something -I was an intersive care nurse -I have two degrees - but that something really hasn’t declared itself. The day I finally realized D1 was never going to live here again was a terrible wake up call. I have kept her room as she left it. Somehow thinking she’d be home on break and we could purge clothes and stuff- that has never really happened - jobs, summer school, a year abroad -now planning graduate school - her amazing life as it should be . We recently had houseguests with a two year old who stayed in D1’s room. I felt completely invaded when we had to turn D1’s bookcase around because this child liked to rip pages. We had to completely rearrange the room to make it toddler safe - I really resented it . To say nothing of the goo two year olds produce - guess I don’t miss that stage. </p>
<p>D2’s room is the same. She was home part of the summer. I like to keep her door closed cause I like to smell her perfume when I go in there. Both girls check in often - they are doing great- DH and I hug each other and know they are happy. But the house is quiet and I don’t cook as much and I over compensate the care packages.</p>
<p>We have a 13y old golden retriever. She is a retired Certified Therapy Dog. Now she is my sanity. She doesn’t work anymore cause her hips are hurting. I take her with me everywhere - she just wants to be with. I am pretty sure we are both afraid of being alone.</p>
<p>Empty nester? get a dog…</p>
<p>Seriously though, there are stages of this stuff. The first blow is when the kid leaves. But at least you can visit for parents weekend, holidays come frequently, phone calls are cheap, so staying in contact is not too tough.</p>
<p>The second blow comes when they spend a period abroad. Suddenly you can’t hop on the plane for a short weekend visit. Suddenly, calling is tougher, whether due to time zone differences or cost. (but skype is a budget blessing…)</p>
<p>Massmother and I are now facing stage 3. Massdaughter has applied for a scholarship that would take her to Europe for two postgrad years. This would be great for her, but terrible for us: Europe is too far and too expensive for frequent visitits. And time zones will make it hard to talk, especially with no skype at work.</p>
<p>So I hate to bring the bad news, but getting over the departure of that freshman is not the last of it…</p>
<p>(and to make things worse, at least we HAD two wonderful dogs as surrogate kids. But one died while we were on vacation, so even the canine family is shrinking…)</p>
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<p>LOL. You keep the doors OPEN when you have boys (and the windows too).</p>
<p>
Absolutely! And how about those bathrooms?</p>
<p>My youngest son is a senior in high school. We survived S1’s departure – he is close enough (2 hour drive) to visit, and we know he’s so happy at school. But I am expecting it to be much tougher when the youngest leaves. I’ve been home since they were toddlers – 3 1/2 and 1 year old. I’ve been driving them to school for 16 years or so. This year, the youngest is driving himself, and I find that I miss the time in the car. I think it’s the beginning of the separation for me. </p>
<p>The only lifesaver is that I know I have to find a full time job to help pay the costs of their education. I plan to be so busy that I don’t have time to think – my husband travels 3 out of every 4 weeks, and I’m not looking forward to being alone in the house at night. We might have to get a dog.</p>
<p>Everyone who knew me expected I’d be miserable when my dearly loved only child started college. I’m also a stay-at-home mom and for the last 2 plus years, I’d gone off the school board and quit my other board and focused completely on helping my son with the college search and helping out with HS ECs. My son and I are VERY close, so I couldn’t imagine how I’d cope. But I really am doing fine with it. So, OP, you never know.</p>
<p>Maybe it helps that we have a big building project going on and I have constant decisions to make. And loads of people around here everyday.</p>
<p>MidwestMom–the ship metaphor is beautiful.</p>
<p>Ditto, bethievt…my D is also an only…and we also have a major building project going on, which we are doing mostly ourselves (with me acting as General Contractor) so I am very focused on what’s going on with that, and if I have clean clothes and something to make for dinner, rather than if I miss my D.</p>
<p>And I’m actually enjoing the quiet, when we have it. The other night, DH and I actually went to our local coffee shop just to have coffee! No other reason, just that we needed to get out of the house! It was delightful!</p>
<p>I am so glad to find this thread. I was feeling like I must be a bit pathetic that my life is so wrapped up with my kids that I am so sad thay are gone - really is a relief to realise it is not just me! My D is a freshman in college also - she was actually already gone the past 2 years because she elected to go to a State math and Science school that is a boarding school. I was depressed her sophomore year when she decided to apply (we did not want her to go but supported her decision) and kept hoping she would decide not to go. Despite her being gone already for 2 years college just seems more final - as a previous poster said - she will probably not actually live here again. She is keen to do study abroad and various summer programs - I am excited for her but gosh I miss her! Then my best friend ups and moves darn her. I just got back from visiting family in Europe and would usually make plans for lunch but had to make do with a long phone call. My son does live in town but between school (he just restarted junior college after a 2 year break) and full time work and his girlfriend we only see him occasionally. And our current cat does not like me which is really weird as the family cats usually attach to me - this one is my husbands shadow when my daughter is gone then her shadow when she is home. Gosh what a tale of woe - sounds like some sort of really bad country and western song 
. </p>
<p>So thanks everyone for making me realise I am not alone. In the new year I am seriously going to look into finding a job or doing some volunteer work.</p>