Any advice for rising empty nesters?

Parent Cafe
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<p>I think having unresolved issues that were shoved away for the joy, frenzy, engrossing nature of child rearing is one of the things that can make empty nest so uncomfortable. Some of the depression is internal and from the past for me; I just didn’t notice because I was so in love with D and S.</p>

<p>I have also recently divested myself of many draining “friendships” that were not reciprocal. My timing was kinda off I guess, but I’m working on having the next phase of my life being more authentic and constructive so back to the drawing board.</p>

<p>I know I would be lost without my profession, and thank god because I’m working hard paying for two!</p>

<p>bethie: You’ve found the secret. Good for you. Everyone was very worried about me too, and I was great until I wasn’t.</p>

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<p>mythmom</p>

<p>I didn’t say I don’t have unresolved issues–perhaps a subject for another thread–under a different name!</p>

<p>When my son was about 3 months old we took him on his first International trip, to the UK. I was talking with a very perceptive teenager about how it felt to be a Mom and she said, “Oh, you’ve fallen in love, haven’t you!”</p>

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<p>MidwestParent- I loved the ship metaphor and sayings- thanks for those!</p>

<p>I had no major trouble with now sophomore dd leaving, and I’ve got another 2 years (yikes, actually only 1 1/2 now!) until empty, after my HS junior son leaves. But it feels like his ship will launch without a jib since his illness this summer which will be lifelong for him- it throws a whole added emotional layer to the thought of living empty nest. We’ll just cross that bridge when we get there, but I can see that you all seem to be managing in different ways- so I’m hopeful…</p>

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<p>“To have a child is to decide to have your heart forever walk around outside your body.” </p>

<p>Periodically, I type this saying on threads like these…because it speaks to all of us… we made the decision to have kids looongg before we really understood what it all would mean, long term. </p>

<p>I have S#1 in his senior year in college…and a S#2 who is a HS junior now. I have always worked…before they were born and after…in fact, I celebrated 32 yrs with my company in Sept…my H and I have a fairly rich, active social life. We have wonderful friends…some “couple” friends that we date…some guy friends he will watch RedSox games with…some gal friends that I garden, read, ski and drink with…we are semi-active in our community, less so right now as work rqmts have picked up…but not hard to reengage as needed. </p>

<p>But, I am responding to this thread primarily because there is a hole in our hearts…in our home with S#1 away…and S#2 growing up in front of our very eyes. We have been very focused with our kids…our choice… we like them and their company very much. So, we miss them when they are out and about… we know it is the right thing… but we value our rhythm as a family and yet we understand that some day they will have their own families and their own flow. </p>

<p>I often think of that song “Is that all their is?” which is followed by the refrain “so lets keep dancing” … unfortunately, not as many occasions to dance!! I like to think God gave me a little gift recently…the house immediately next door was turned over…and now 4 kids live beside us, the youngest is 4.5 yrs old…the oldest is about 9… having them next door prompted me to do more Halloween decorating than ever before… sooo broaden your perspective and find a few other kids to enjoy and or care about… or causes… or start a new hobby… stay interesting and you won’t be so lonely??</p>

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<p>Since you have more free time, send more care packages to your child ;)</p>

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<p>The other day my doctor and I were talking about how I was doing with the nest empty. She said she doesn’t know what she’ll talk to her husband about when her own brood leaves in a few years, since their lives are so completely kid-oriented now. I told her that in September, along with youngest D leaving, the TV in our kitchen/breakfast room broke. In the last year or so we’d fallen into the somewhat embarrassing habit of often watching Jeopardy while we ate dinner, but now H and I have to actually talk to one another. The doctor was very funny, suggesting that I start my conversations with “What is…?”</p>

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<p>Guys, you’re making me nervous…my husband is also out of town three weeks a month. He’s thinking that maybe next year I can rearrange my work schedule to spend one of those three weeks with him. It will be so quiet! Our two cats just don’t cut it as a replacement.</p>

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<p>My H works nights and weekends. But there are so many people who write here who have no spouse. Even the idea of someone else helps me. Besides, a spouse is someone you can tell that you miss your kids without a lecture or good ideas or attempts at consolation.</p>

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<p>I just want to reinforce what Bethievt said earlier in the thread:</p>

<p>“Because my son really seems to fit in his college and is happy, I’ve been happier than I could have imagined. Hope it lasts.”</p>

<p>I has worked exactly that way for us with our two kids (one is a college sophomore now, the other is in grad school)</p>

<p>If you believe there is a time for everything, the empty nest is something to look forward to rather than worry about. I know this is not going to do much for those of you that are getting ready for the last <fill in=“” the=“” blank=“”> but as long as your kids find happiness where they are then the separation becomes easier (and don’t forget we now have e-mail, IM and cell phones).</fill></p>

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<p>Pardon me for not giving credit for poster who said this—but she hit it right on the spot for me–I feel aimless. Then again I also identified with the ship rotting in dry dock!</p>

<p>Also to Puzzled, we also have gotten in the habit of sitting at the kitchen bar with the TV on during dinner–why set the table or mess it up for two? I also don’t cook much at all anymore (and this is the person who made her own baby food and teething cookies and later homemade pastas, baked galore, canned veggies from the garden, etc. etc.) it just doesn’t seem rewarding to do it for two people (plus way too many leftovers).</p>

<p>As far as the animals–we are down to 6 (3 cats and 3 dogs) from a high of 8 and two of the ones left have cancer. I actually have been thinking about fostering for the humane society or raising a puppy for the organization that trains Seeing Eye/Aid dogs. Without my furry buddies, I know I would go stir crazy.</p>

<p>One thing that is easier is that now when something comes up with any of the kids, I am free to go without worrying about who watches the one(s) at home. So when daughter calls and invites me for a shopping weekend or son calls and has an extra ticket to a game–I can take off in a flash.</p>

<p>I’m not miserable and during the days, there is enough work to be done around here to keep 3 of me busy—but the nights …(well I’m here on CC aren’t I?)</p>

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<p>My wife and I have twins and we went from two kids to instant empty nest. Both boys are not in driving distance and are at different schools. We keep thinking about retirement it was almost like well our life’s work was complete so where do we retire to now?</p>

<p>After a couple of months we are shaking the blues off and the boys are doing well. It sure took awhile. In two weeks we fly to Vegas for a 3rd honeymoon and are beginning to realize this could be fun after all.</p>

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<p>curm - I could have written your post #7. Some days I just want my old life back. Tomorrow night she’s attending the first formal for which I won’t get to witness the “transformation”, picking up, etc. It makes me so sad!</p>

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<p>I like my empty nest. I DO miss my kids and all of the things we enjoyed with them. My son is playing in a concert in two weeks and it will be only the second one I’ve missed in all his years of playing an instrument or singing (the other one missed was due to a snowstorm…we had planned to go). My daughter is 3000 miles away and comes home only for the Christmas holiday. My husband travels on business at least once every two weeks. The timing of his business travel was good…he never traveled when the kids were here. BUT my house is always clean, the electric bill is half, the food I buy is in the fridge when I go to cook it. There is always gas in the car…oh and there is always a car here for me to use! I can make impromptu plans and not worry that I haven’t cooked dinner or that I’ll miss a meeting or event for a child. I LOVE getting little packages ready to send my kids, and I also love getting and receiving pictures they send to me…and both of them are very good about sending them. It’s been a transition, but it’s been a good one. Also, both are very happy, and their happiness spills over to us here at the homestead. We (the grownups) also have a little more time to reconnect with the other adults we know. For so many years we and our friends didn’t have a lot of time together because it seemed like we were going to our kids’ events. Our pet cat is getting more than her share of attention. I do miss my kids, but I don’t miss the “stuff”.</p>

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<p>Wish carefully!</p>

<p>I decided to become an atheist many years ago when I realized that God had a vicious sense of humour. Well, obviously, the game is still on! Last summer, I was bemoaning my future empty nest: D1 working abroad and D2 going to the US for 4 years. I was profoundly and totally miserable. D1 then had a serious breakdown, cancelled the job, the work and came back home. D2’s passport and visa were lost and it took so long to go through the whole process again that come September 6th (my back-to-school date), both Ds were at home in various states of hopelessness and despair. My collegues had organized an impromptu party to cheer me up. Imagine my embarrassment in having to confess that both girls were still at home!
More seriously, when D2 finally left, there were cheers and songs at the airport instead of the pathos I had anticipated, and I realized that there are far worse things in life than having one’s kids busily and happily employed in making a life for themselves. I have too many friends whose children have dropped out of college or haven’t been able to find a job, or much worse. That empty room will do fine for out-of-town friends, or hopefully grandchildren in a few years, but, please believe me, you definitely don’t want to see your kid back there except a few weeks a year.</p>

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<p>In the Hindu tradition, this is the time for the spiritual quest. The householding days have passed and we’re free to move on to an even higher calling. Meditate on that–or do like I did and get a hot tub.</p>

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<p>Oh gosh, bethie, you make me laugh. I hope the hot tub is providing spiritual bliss. And move over, I want a corner of it! Both the enlightenment, and the hot tub. </p>

<p>This process is so up and down. Or maybe as mythmom says, the old issues are coming to the forefront again. Over the last few days, I’ve been cruising the airline sites with my D on the phone for hours, looking for a rather complicated airline ticket to book for her. Spending time together that way was so heartwarming. Realized when the ticket finally was organized and she returned to her Fri night dorm fun, how much I miss the laughter and fun of having her, and her age group around. Being around teens, while infuriating at times can be a high. So much energy, dreams for the future, optimism. Most of us on here have had fairly to very succesful kids. There’s a contact high (as some of us used to say back in the day) with being around all that energy and success. Especially as many of us worked so hard to help them get there, it was a lot to be proud of. Still is. </p>

<p>But…what are we left with? Email and phone calls to varying degrees, houses that need attention, slightly worn psyches and aging bodies. Surveying all this is just a little deflating after the high and anticipation of the last year. I took some short term classes and was thrilled during that period. Need more classes, or a serious volunteer project. I find myself playing with energy level, and some days it’s great, and get goals accomplished, others I’m kicking myself for sloth. That particular struggle was easier with a housefull and too much to do all the time. </p>

<p>Lost in trans…I gather you’re an expat, and my observations of expat landings back in home country for college is that they can be a little rough. It’s a unique transition, and very different from the average freshman student trials. Hope all is on the upswing. </p>

<p>In the greater picture, I do see this as a unique opportunity to develop the life I’ve always wanted. Possibilities, on the best days, seem limitless, and this can be a time for a new and more authentic self to emerge.</p>

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<p>Mkm56, we have been a puppy raiser for Guiding Eyes for the Blind (GEB). If you want to dip your toe in without the full commitment, they need temporary sitters for a week-end or a week while the primary raiser is on vacation or just to acclimate the puppies to different environments. You will, however, be required to attend a series of classes first and have your house approved, if they run the program as they do here.</p>

<p>The puppies need LOTs of attention and we found it as challenging as having a toddler. For example, if we went to a football game, we brought the puppy, but then we couldn’t really watch the game as the puppy needed a lot of watching. The puppies must never be allowed to pull on the leash so when young a neighborhood walk is not a walk but strictly a training activity–two steps forward, one step stopped, repeat. With that said, they need volunteers and if you have the time, love, and patience required, I highly recommend it.</p>

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<p>Thanks for the info TheAnalyst. My d. had given me the local contact number and I haven’t followed up yet. With the number of animals I already have, I wondered if it would be the right environment for the training–of course the best thing would be for me to call and ask!</p>

<p>It sounds like a wonderful way (being a sitter) to ease in and see if it fits well with your own household.</p>

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<p>We have other pets and that was not a concern and in fact considered a bit of an advantage. They want these dogs to be thoroughly socialized to different environments. They even said it would be OK to treat the family pets completely differently from the GEB puppy.</p>

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<p>We’re not there yet, so I can’t say how we are handling empty-nesting, but we have already had a major change as our youngest child is a day student at a private high school that is half boarders and we barely see her during the week. Our son, who is a senior, is typically very busy and works with my wife’s cousin, so again we see him a lot less than we used to. On weekend evenings, they’re often with friends and we have dates that we don’t need to organize. It feels good.</p>

<p>We’ve also made something of a transition since having kids. I travel a fair bit, often to nice places (places I’ve been in the last year: London about 8 times, Paris, The Hague 5 or 6 times; Sydney and Melbourne twice, Kuala Lumpur, San Diego (Four Seasons Aviara Resort), Mexico City twice, plus some less exciting places like Houston). My wife is a very talented painter (serious career, with galleries that show her work and collectors and museums (lesser museums for the most part at this point) that buy it) but she has flexibility with her time. Before kids, she used to join me on some of these trips. She is just starting to be able to again without much effort. We had a long weekend in Paris; the whole family came with me on trips to Japan and Australia. When the kids are gone, it will be easy for her to come to London, say. I’ll be working hard for a few days but she can stay in usually a first class hotel and go to museums and galleries during the day and we can usually eat together. She can try to find galleries in cities in which she’s not represented. And, we’ll have fun. We’re actually looking forward to that. My wife is already pleased at how much more work time she has.</p>

<p>But, I think it will be harder for her, as has been the kid’s normal adolescent need for greater independence. We built a studio for her 30 feet from the house, so she could be there when the kids come home. It was great and she has been and is a terrific mother. But, the kids want an increasing amount of independence and that has been difficult for her as she’s been so involved. I feel proud watching/helping them become more independent. So, I think I’ll feel thrilled as they blossom (assuming we have bethievt’s good luck that the kids are happy when they go off to school). My wife will happily have more time to invest in her art, which is really an important part of her self-expression as well as her career. I’ll have more time to do things like write another book above and beyond my work. But, for those who don’t have a fulfilling activity to invest time in, I think finding something that feels deeply fulfilling and about which they feel passionate is a great way to go. Doc Edgerton, the former MIT professor who invented strobe photography and took a phenomenal series of pictures and was apparently an first class character, said, “If you don’t have something that you wake up at 3 in the morning excited about, you’re not living.” I couldn’t be excited about anything at 3 AM but we can all, although raising kids can be something that keeps arouses us at 3 AM. But, replacing that with something else that gives meaning seems like a good way to go.</p>

<p>Of course, it is easy to dispense advice about something that I haven’t yet experienced. I have been planning a book on about how to think about and make important life choices and thus have been thinking about issues that are relevant to this question. I hope I haven’t been presumptuous (or at least too presumptuous) for an ignorant person.</p>