Any Families of Open Adoption Here?

Parent Cafe
1

Or anybody else with an opinion?! Maybe I am not looking for an opinion, maybe I am just venting - I honestly don’t know!

My D’s birthmother passed away last week, she was young 39/40. We were informed via a two line text from her (birthmother) mother. For almost 22 years, we have had an open and communicative relationship, celebrating birthdays, holidays, weddings, vacations etc. together. We were not strangers to each other, and not estranged.

Firstly, I was upset to be informed by text, but I temporarily put that to the side and attempted several times to reach one of family members; each phone call was ‘declined’ and a text was sent ‘sorry, can’t talk’. It’s now been a week, and I’ve spoken to nobody. D has a lot of questions ie was she ill / cause of death etc., and we know nothing.

Over the course of this past week, I have sent several texts and made a couple more calls, I have not received a single response or acknowledgement. I can’t get beyond the feeling of being either hurt or pssed that, after all these years, we are worth nothing more than a cursory two line text, Maybe I’m selfish, I know this is not my *thing, to feel so aggrieved.

Secondly, we also found out via text and instagram that the family is, very reluctantly, hosting an open house drinks (rather than funeral / memorial). D wants us to go, but it is 1,000 miles out of state, and with Covid, and the weird communication, I feel reluctant.

All that said, we will go. D has a couple of younger half siblings, who’ve just lot their mother, and she’d like to know them better.

Thanks for reading.

2

Sorry for this tough situation. Honestly there is no way I’d consider that kind of trip for our family during Covid, especially since there is unlikely to be a warm welcome. Maybe after some time is passed there will be an opportunity to reconnect with the half siblings.

3

I am so sorry, both for you and for your D. Was your D’s birth/adoption a sore spot among her family? I ask because it sounds like maybe D’s birthmother was good with things, but her family was not (or just pretended to be). Or maybe the circumstances of the death are too hard for them to share right now. I think the way your D is being shut out is awful, but there is so much that could be going on behind the scenes. I am not saying I condone it, but … it is what it is. I think you have to go with your instincts about the best way to handle this for your D. My best to all of you.

4

@kelsmom No, all her life, the entire family has been amazing. No bad blood at all. I have felt so proud of the open situation we created, but, pride does go before a fall! Over the years, the family has been to stay with us, her sisters (birthmom) have been separately; we attended their weddings, Thanksgiving, b’days etc. Her (ex)husband, not D’s birthfather, is amazing and we have a great relationship w him, he has invited us to stay with him if we go (we won’t), and etc.

5

I’m going to guess that there might be something traumatic involved with the death. Still…

I’m really sorry for you and your daughter. Is there anyone you trust that you can inquire about the circumstances of the death? It might explain some things.

Also if it would men some closure for your daughter, maybe go, wear masks and don’t stay long. I know that it is a very long way but if the wake could answer some questions?

We reluctantly went to a viewing on Friday. Everyone was masked and very careful. But it wasn’t 1000 miles away. People came from a 100 though. He was a very beloved member of our friend group.

6

Thanks for the kind words.

Possibly. An autopsy is pending; I had assumed it was because of her relatively young age.

7

I’m very sorry for your and your daughter’s loss, and for the weird way this is playing out. I know that a thousand miles is a heck of a long distance, but I expect that if you and your daughter, or just your daughter, go, you’ll learn something about how she died. Also, if your daughter wants to maintain a good relationship with these relatives, she will want to be there – with them, and for them.

8

I am sorry for your loss. We have open adoptions, but definitely not as open as yours. In this case, I’m also thinking it may be hard for them to talk about the cause of death. Give them time.

9

@momo2x2018 how old is your daughter? Sorry if I missed that. I am so sorry for her, and your whole family’s loss.

I totally understand that you are upset about your daughter’s birthmother’s family’s lack of responsiveness at this time. I agree with @deb922 that it’s possible that the circumstances around her death made this much more difficult than it would be for anyone who died at such a young age.

If your daughter is older than mid-teens, I think I would try to accommodate what she would like to do to mark this very sad occasion. Just IMHO; of course Covid makes everything so much more complicated!!! (((((hugs)))))

10

So…this implies that the daughter is about random old…or so.

I agree…go if you can. You have had a very good relationship with the family, and they are grieving. I’d give them the benefit of the doubt on this.

11

We also have an open adoption but not a very close relationship to D’s birthmom. When my D needed her she blew her off and then wanted to be close again. D was not having it. Now she mainly communicates with her through Facebook.

That said I think she would want more information if her birthmom were to die (birthmom is on active duty in the military right now). I agree that maybe there could be a traumatic reason for the death. This could cause the family to not want to say more to you daughter because they are hurt or don’t want to hurt her. (My mother was like that to people after my sister’s death).

If your daughter wants to go and you feel safe doing it just take all precautions and go. It may be just a short visit with everyone and maybe she could meet up with one or two of the younger members of the family privately and have a good talk.

Very sorry for her and good luck!