Any other adults having Facebook conflicts?

Parent Cafe
1

<p>O.K. I don’t know if this problem is indicative of my personal relationships or what, but I have for the second time deactivated my facebook page. I’m wondering if anyone else is being flung back to junior high school every time they try facebook.</p>

<p>The first time, a guy I was friends with in high school/college popped up on my page wanting to reminisce about our hard drinking days. As someone who works very hard at staying sober, I’m not interested in laughing about that. I communicated that to him more than once, but when he didn’t stop I felt I had no choice but to shut it down and get rid of him. </p>

<p>I waited awhile and then started up again, as I have some far-flung friends I enjoy keeping in touch with. My neighbor friended me–though I’ve known this guy for years and our boys are friends we’re not social other than to wave and say hi–I accepted, and in turn friended his wife. He posted something about some health issues he was having, so when I was out walking the dog I stopped to chat with them in their driveway. </p>

<p>Now, we may not be having barbecues together on the weekend, but Bill and I have known each other for close to twenty years and we’ve often joked when talking about the kids, so he knows my sense of humor. His wife might not know me so well, but I guess I assumed if Bill has a sense of humor then his wife does. This is his third wife. Anyway, I told her she looked fantastic and Bill volunteered that she’s lost 30-some pounds by walking. I said that was terrific, and then I also complimented her new haircut. I asked if she had naturally curly hair, because it was in ringlets and it used to be straight and she said yes. I said,“Well then Phyllis, I might have to hate you.” We all laughed. </p>

<p>Phyllis went home and made her status,“Went for a walk and found out my neighbor hates me.” Her friends–none of whom know me or knew who she was talking about–proceeded to say all sorts of disparaging things about me. Then Bill commented that I was just jealous because she looked so good. What?! In what universe do these people live that your neighbor would walk up and seriously announce, “I hate you.”? And if she thought I was serious, why did she laugh? </p>

<p>So, excuse me, but what the ****?! </p>

<p>Is anyone else having trouble with this? Should I just give up on Facebook? It’s great to keep in touch with my uncle in Maine and my cousin in San Francisco, but now I’m going to have this awkward feeling every time I see my neighbors, so I’m not sure it’s worth it.</p>

2

<p>Umm… make your profile private and don’t “friend” people you don’t like/know or drop people who annoy you (they won’t probably notice). But if your neighbors seem to viciously feed on her (unwarranted) lament, I don’t know what to do about that! You live with them, but if they don’t know who she’s talking about what does it matter?</p>

3

<p>I know intellectually it doesn’t matter, but it was still startling to be reading this stuff directed at me, and clearly she does not like me or she would have inserted a comment saying that it was a joke. </p>

<p>My profile is private, but her dh has my e-mail address so I must’ve popped up as a potential friend for him. I mean, if somebody sends me a friend request and I ignore it then they’ll obviously know I’m not friending them, right? They each have less than two dozen friends, so I do think they’d notice, but it doesn’t matter anyway. I de-activated it because her actions seemed fairly hostile to me and I didn’t want to leave that door open. I posted a comment that said I was terribly sorry if my joke fell flat and that of course I didn’t hate her, then I shut it down. Frankly I didn’t want to read anything else that might pop up after that.</p>

4

<p>Also, you don’t have to shut down your whole facebook to get rid of someone unwanted (your former drinking friend). You can un-friend and block them. The beauty of it is, they won’t get notified. You’ll just vanish from their friend list and they won’t be able to find you on search.</p>

<p>As for your neighbor, you could comment on her status, “Hi, you do know I was joking right? I only hate you cuz I’m jealous of your awesome haircut!” For all you know her status was meant sarcastically/ironically and her other friends are misinterpreting it.</p>

<p>*** cross posted. Well after you posted to her that you were sorry your joke fell flat, then you shut it down - now there’s no way for you to know if she and her friends are apologizing to you. You shut the door on the easiest way for her to smooth things over. I’m not sure that’s the best idea.</p>

5

<p>Ah, I wish she was being ironic. </p>

<p>So. Lafalum, if I unfriend and block someone, does that mean I won’t show up on another mutual friend’s friend list?</p>

6

<p>You’re only back in junior high if you want to be. You don’t have to friend people you don’t like; you can de-friend people & keep your profile private to non-friends; and you can block people, including your “friends”, from seeing content on your pages. </p>

<p>And if they are making disparaging comments about you, you can ignore them.</p>

<p>That’s what the grownups do, anyway.</p>

7

<p>So are you saying I shouldn’t egg their house tonight? :)</p>

8

<p>I think there is an option where you can block people from sending you friend requests, from seeing your picture, from sending you a message, from seeing your friends, etc. </p>

<p>That way, you’ll be able to add the people you want and not worry about being friended by other people.</p>

9

<p>I just felt that maybe I’d stumbled into some weird dynamic between hubby and wife. It occurred to me that maybe she’s uncomfortable with how long her dh and I have known each other.</p>

10

<p>For the old friend I would have just unfriended him. For the neighbors - that is awkward. I am not sure how i would have responded. It is odd behaviour - especially as they know you can read what they are saying. </p>

<p>I haven’t had any problems with facebook so far. But I’ve only had one for a little over a week. So far I’m having fun with it but it is all distant (geographically) friends and family I have as friends (all 8 of them so far). I don’t think I will have any problems with these ones. if I did I would just unfriend them. There is a setting on your privacy settings where you block people from finding your facebook (all or specific people) so if you unfriend anyone and they say anything you can just say you didn’t have time to keep up with it.</p>

<p>I wouldn’t close it down because of just one individual.</p>

11

<p>Yes, swimcatsmom–it is odd behavior–and I’m surprised and taken aback by the whole thing. She clearly intended me to read it, which seems a pretty clear signal that she’d prefer not to be friends. It’s not like a tragic loss for me. This woman spends hours immersed in some online fantasy game. We’re not going to be starting a book club any time soon. It wouldn’t matter at all if they didn’t live across the street, but it seems clear to me that she’d prefer we not interact.</p>

12

<p>Your neighbors sound like a pain. It’s probably just as well to not be friends with them, online or in RL.</p>

13

<p>I’ve only been on FB for a few weeks, and the jury’s still out. I have found old friends/family I’d lost touch with, and that’s great. But I spend a whole lot of time avoiding the “food fights”, “quizzes,” taggings, “I sent you a tattoo” 's etc, without offending anyone. I just want to connect. The other stuff, makes me tired. But I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings, either.</p>

14

<p>Yes, I already have enough neurotic relatives so I don’t need neurotic virtual friends too. I guess I’m so stuck in ‘mom’ mode that I forget that any woman might react to me as some sort of threat. Like Liz Lemon on 30 Rock, I often have food stains on my shirt. I am usually covered in dog hair, and I spend about 20 seconds styling my hair. If this woman is threatened by me then she’s in serious trouble.</p>

15

<p>yes garland, somebody sent me an invitation to a prayer page, and I felt a little snarky ignoring it. Was God sending me a friend request and I rejected it?</p>

16

<p>My biggest issue is that it’s become apparent that some of my old HS and cc friends don’t share my political views and feel compelled to advertise it. I never post about politics.</p>

17

<p>^^^ I even avoid the political thread on this forum where I don’t even know the people. The couple of times I have been tempted and made a comment I have regretted it. People can get very nasty about politics. Definitely seems to be a “ne’er the twain shall meet arena” when people have opposing political views. Happily so far most of my facebook friends post about pretty innocuous family and silly stuff. Good fun so far. Course it has only been a few days.</p>

18

<p>I ignore the food fights and gifts to send people or that I’m supposed to respond to. I just click “ignore” and so far as I know no one hates me for it.</p>

<p>I admit I can spend a lot of procrastination time browsing bumper stickers, though…</p>

19

<p>You really need to spend some time in your privacy setting area. There are a lot of options. You can also create your own groups and give different levels of access depending on the group they are in. I have different access for family, family and friends, and the rest of the world. I use the Facebook as part of my business so the family restricted group is where I post family photos, etc. I also do not hesitate to block an unwanted requester. I got a random request from a guy in Africa one time and blocked it. </p>

<p>Get one of your children to help you if you can’t figure it out. I had DD walk me through it all when I first started. Now I only friend the next generation if they ask - and most of my kids, nieces and nephews have.</p>

20

<p>So, Helenback, will you make an olive branch attempt and follow Lafalum’s advice in post #4?</p>

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<p>Even if you never deal with her again, putting your side out for “public record” could prevent you from being the target of private gossip. If not, your silence could imply agreement.</p>