anybody plz!...critique this essay

<p>hello i will be applying to the ucs this fall, my gpa and sat scores are mediocre, i will be applying to ucr ucsc uci...any help u can give me on this essay will be greatly appreciated thank you!~</p>

<p>question #2 Tell us about a talent, experience, contributions or personal quality that you will bring to the university of california.</p>

<pre><code>The dark red Toyota violently swerved to the right, nearly colliding with several cars, and made an abrupt exit. The driver parked the car and dashed out. His face was flushed red and his eyes were filled with tears. He leaned over the shrubbery, hands at his waist. Meanwhile, I sat in the driver’s seat with a look of horror on my face, realizing that we had just narrowly escaped death. No, we did not almost die that day because of some tragic or unfortunate news I had shared with that man but, because as people often put it, I was “too damned funny.”
By no means, am I the class clown performing shameless acts to get a laugh or two. Rather that tall, nerdy kid that the girls try to avoid (god I’m a loser.) I’m that kid in class that can make the teacher keel over in laughter with an oral presentation. I’m that kid that gets chosen first for taboo just for the funny clues I give. Finally, I’m that kid that finds humor in any situation, and just doesn’t know when to be serious.
Someday, I will grow up and enter the harsh working world. I’m bound to change as the stress of the real life takes its toll on me. Be this as it may, I vow never to stop making people laugh, this is who I am.

<p>it has 233 u think itll be ok?? ya its pretty crappy but its rough draft...THANK YOU FOR READING!!!</p>

<p>It starts out serious, then goes into how you're funny. Kind of an abrupt turn, and it takes you totally off guard. Not sure how I feel about that.</p>

<p>Also, don't tell me your funny, show me why you are funny. Tell me something funny you've done. Also, the (god I'm a loser) comment is not going to look good to colleges. </p>

<p>To tell you the truth, for a 'funny' guy that is a completely unfunny essay. I'm not trying to be a jerk, just giving you my honest opinions.</p>

<p>craaaap u college confidential people are all cold...well thank you for ur honesty..</p>

<p>Don't tell them who you are; tell them WHY you are who you are.</p>

<p>ooo ok~thanx any more comments?</p>

<p>Repetition of the word "I" is a little off-putting.</p>

<p>Also, whether you take these suggestions or not, keep in mind we're only trying to help you get where you want to go. My first essay was ripped apart by a friend, so I redid it, gave it to teachers, parents, anyone I could think of, really, and it is now some of the best writing I've ever done.</p>

<p>I don't get the point. You told a joke to someone and they almost got into an accident? What's funny about that?</p>

<p>If you are going to highlight your humor, I think you should use an example that actually is funny, not frightening and not almost tragic as was the example you gave. I also think you should not call yourself a loser in the essay.</p>

<p>I agree with all of the above. But here's another suggestion: you want your essay to say something about you, to paint a story. Your essay does not tell me anything about you, except that you think you're funny. You want to ask yourself, "After reading this, what will an adcom remember about me?" I hope that helped.</p>

<p>ya thanx for ur comment guys i gotta lot of work to do ^^</p>