Wow! I thought this issue might resonate with other posters on this forum. I see many of us continue to be anxious about our children’s happiness long after college or even graduate school. I don’t believe it’s “helicoptering,” just a desire to want those we love to be happy. So who among us is computer savvy and can put together a private CC dating site? (I’m only partially kidding. I’m sure your children all treat others with the kindness and respect that you all demonstrate on this board and would be major “catches”!)
I have always heard that weddings are a good place to meet people, as @garland’s experience confirms. Any other ideas outside of the dating apps?
I work with a lot of young people. I notice they do date/socialize with people at work. One of my favorite consultant met his SO when both of them were working at a client site. He liked her, so he organized a happy hour for all consultants (from different firms) so he could get to spend some time with her. D1’s best friend also met her finance at work.
This seems like borderline unacceptable behavior in this day and age. Many women will say they don’t want to be asked out at the office.
28 yr old Goskid 2 had a serious relationship with a girl I adored…and I was devasted when he broke up with her. Still painful (for me!), as they just seemed to mesh so well on many, many fronts. Totally pictured her as my DIL. He just felt it was getting too serious too fast blah blah blah.
1 1/2 years later, he’s still single… dates a bit…but my mommy radar thinks he’d be happier with a SO.
@gosmom - I get this. Soon-to-be 25 year old D just ended a four year relationship a few months ago. We really, really liked her BF and thought the two of them worked well together in so many areas. And I feel sad for her BF as I know he is heartbroken and didn’t want this. But she felt they had issues around communication that couldn’t be overcome. She’s had a few dates but her career in Investment Banking doesn’t leave her much free time. She does admit that it’s harder than she thought to go back to being single after being part of a couple for so long.
And even though I know my D is a smart and very capable young woman, I do worry about her being in NYC, 3000 miles away from us in CA. At least when she was in a relationship there was someone else looking out for her in the big city and she looked out for him as well. And now there’s the whole dating thing. Sigh…
In both my and my husband’s extended family, we have members who are 20s, 40s, 50s (4 people - 1 on my side, 3 on his) who have never had significant others, nor even dated or expressed any interest in dating either opposite or same sex. Nothing, nada, zilch. Most of them aren’t the affectionate, huggy type either. We are an accepting, liberal family so hopefully they would feel comfortable about being open about being gay/bi. We speculate they might be asexual.
Both my kids are currently in serious relationships from a string of relationships.
The OP also mentioned the general social dynamic. I’ve seen with my own single kids that they often feel they aren’t a high priority in anyone’s life (except ours, but we’re the parents).
Our sons got involved with people in undergrad. 27 y.o. son and DIL have been married for just over two years. 30 y.o. son and SO of over seven years (lived together for six of those years) broke up a few months ago.
Both my kids began seeing people before concern about it came on my radar – I was still in the mode of hoping they’d be happy at school as they worked through academic load, living on their own 3,000 miles away from us, etc. So I never had a chance to dwell on it until now.
I think single son likes being with someone; I also think he may still be adjusting, so I don’t outright hope he meets someone unless he hopes for that as well. It’s the same as others have said, wondering if it’s harder to meet someone now that they’re out of school. Son is very thoughtful of work climate and boundaries, so I’m not sure whether he’d consider it appropriate to approach someone he knows through his job.
Not sure if he’s using any dating apps. He enjoys his friends a lot, though, and seems to have formed some really nice supportive bonds. He has said that he believes actively socializing is a good way to meet people. Mostly I’m anxious that he feels all right with the way his life is going at any given point. He’s been very healthy about it, which is so reassuring. I wish I could do some benevolent mom hexing and provide him with RightPersonRightTime. That’s one for the “Say It Here” thread, though. 
Mostly, I’m happy my kids aren’t in relationships with toxic folks, which I feel would be much more worrying than no relationship.
I feel that for D, when she’s ready, she will meet and have a good relationship with a wonderful person, as she has amazing social skills.
My sister met and married her H later in life. H was 42 when we married, so I know later relationships can be excellent ones.
Both my D and I look to the examples of my sister and DIL…the former married at 39 and has two teenaged kids and DIL met my S at 34, married him at just shy of 36, and had their first baby at 37. I think things happen when they happen and no amount of wishing on my part will make it happen any sooner. I know she’d like a relationship but she also is strong-willed, opinionated, and picky, in addition to being smart and beautiful. She’ll know what’s right for her when it’s right. So, here I wait!
My 26 year old had three disastrous year long relationships in a row. Now when he goes out I yell after him, “Don’t fall in love!”
Our son is happiest when he’s in a relationship and is definitely looking for “the one.” He had a GF in middle school and then a steady all through HS, but they mutually broke it off to go their separate college ways. “Cadating” was tough at the academy and generally avoided. Now that he’s out in the big Army, he thought it might be easier, but he’s in a male-dominated field in a male-dominated bureaucracy. He has used a dating app for several years, but it only produced one serious relationship that did not end well. He’s not looking for hookups. He tried it again when he reached post this past summer, met a young woman for coffee, and discovered she was in his training program. That was a no-go for both of them, but they have become good friends.
He’s 23 and definitely has the goods, but I think it will be a while before he’s settled enough in his new life to be able to seriously pursue a relationship. He wants one, though, and we want one for him. I sure wish there were some way to connect our fantastic CC kids.
I wouldn’t use the term “anxious” but I do hope my D (31) finds a special someone to share life with. She’s an independent spirit that loves to travel, prefers museums vs bars, loves history, theater, music and reading, enjoys the outdoors, has a wickedly funny sense of humor and is art oriented. When she was younger she simply was unable to find others (male or female) who would rather explore than go to a bar/party. Now that she’s older she’s finding some like minded citizens (both male and female) to share some things with and that makes me happy. When she graduated HS I wrote this to her, and I stand by it: “In real life there are only a couple of things I care about. Are you happy, and do you feel fulfilled?..The
rest is just filler. Really. I swear.”
I hate to say it, but this issue affected my mother’s life a lot for the last 45 years of it. I have two sisters, who are completely different, but neither ever developed a long-term relationship. My mother was someone who accomplished a lot (she got a PhD at age 61) and had a big community profile, but love and family were really at the center of her life. Seeing her daughters alone kept her up at night for as long as she lived. I can’t imagine how many hours of therapy – hers and theirs – have been devoted to it.
It makes me sad, too. I have the same values. One of my sisters does as well. The other generally has whatever values we don’t have, although the gap has narrowed a lot as we all age, and as we are no longer mediating our relationships through our parents.
Just got back from a wedding where the first-time bride is 43. Deliriously happy.
Ds2’s last relationship was a disaster. He hasn’t had a real date in three years. He’s ready.
“She lives in a house full of guys who are brothers to her”
I think that there have always been men who were uncomfortable approaching women. Now with current trends some are probably just not willing to. There are probably cases where men and women are friends but no one feels that it is okay to admit that they might be interested in dating, even if they both are. Looking back I think that this might have happened to me in the distant past (before I met my wife, which happened a long time ago).
We have made dating complicated in today’s world. It is not an easy thing for our children to navigate.
“I’m happy my kids aren’t in relationships with toxic folks”
I agree with this. There are worse things in life than having no serious relationship.
Another thing that I have wondered about is the overlap between a serious relationship and graduate / medical / veterinary school. One daughter is in a very good serious relationship, but lives in a state that does not have an appropriate “post graduate” university for what she is looking for. I do not know if her S.O. would be able to find an appropriate job in a nearby state with an appropriate university, but I am pretty sure that he would be willing to try.
To a large extent our kids have to figure this out on their own.
They will have to do a long distance thing for a while. My D won’t settle down for another 3-4 years at least. That will be tough.
I never understand why there were matchmakers. Now I do and I’m not so sure it isn’t a great idea!!! Seriously.
My S will be 28 in a month. His GF of more than 5 years broke up with him a couple weeks ago. We like her, and for a long time, we thought they would be together long term. We understand what happened, but we are sad … especially for our S. I have 2 brothers who never married & 1 who was married only briefly. One of my best friends never married. I know it’s possible to have a fulfilling life without marriage, but I still hope S will eventually find someone to share his life with. He has been very anti-marriage (part of the issues that led to the breakup), but he does want a life partner. We never stop worrying about our kids’ happiness, do we?
No, we definitely never stop worrying about our kids… I don’t care whether mine get married, but I think some kind of reliable life partner is very important to them (and at this point, a bit hard for either of them to imagine). When my oldest was maybe 14, someone made a joke about a fathers adjusting to daughters having boyfriends, and she said, “That’s probably not going to happen until I’m fifty”. On some level she seemed to really think that. I have no idea why.
I have a work friend, age 61, who has always lived with his identical twin brother (they have 2 other sibs, but not in-house). They own a big house, both work their butts off but also entertain all the time, go on trips with big groups of relatives or friends, and host huge Thanksgiving dinners. I never met the twin, but my colleague seems asexual but content.